Ghost Man (1/4)

Hello, darling! <3 It's been so long since I've read anything of yours.

First things first, I adore the opening:

The night I went home, it poured like hell. Liz was waiting for me as the nurse rolled me out. She had her windshield wipers on but they did little to stop the stream of rain that poured down her dashboard.

It does all those mysterious things really great short story openings do, that I don't even know if I can explain fully, but it was so good. I do wish, though, that the pouring rain was maintained more through this first part of the story (maybe it comes in again later?). It's such a clear setting and mood, it will do a lot of good work for you if you just maintain it.

The main point of feedback I have is that we're about 1/4 into this story and I don't have a good sense of who these characters are and what their relationships are. I had to re-read part of it to figure out that Rod and Rick weren't the same person. It's a short story, so don't overburden us with backstory, but I think we need a line or two about Monty's relationship with Liz (most importantly) and Rod. With Rod, I think it would make it clearer who he is up front (I assumed he was Liz's boyfriend, and with Rick having such a similar name you can see where the confusion came in!).

My only other advice is to slow down the scene when they arrive at the diner. You have such a nice pace going in the car, but everything starts flying once they go into the diner. I found myself wanting a stronger sense of place, of how Monty is feeling going into this familiar place having changed so much. I'm surprised Monty even wanted to go anywhere that wasn't directly home. I'm sure this is a supremely visceral experience for him, and it would be good for us, the reader, to feel it.

Otherwise, this was lovely! I'm excited to move on to read the rest <3

--Lauren

I wasn't planning to review this piece as I read, but I couldn't help notice things... so here's me noticing things.

"God, I don't know what have done if....we're all so happy you're alive."

Missing word between 'what' and 'have'.

Her and me.

Personally, I think repeating the phrase with a bit tweaking doesn't seem to give the desire impact. I would suggest 'She and I', but it's really my personal preference. Take it as a grain of salt.

Overall, this part is really easy to read, and yet still poignant. The parts that stand out the most is when Monty thought about the left side of his face, and the juxtaposition of the people's reactions in the bar before he got into accident and after. I feel sorry for him easily, and Liz is an instant likeable character because of how much she cares about him despite them being exes (I think).

I also think Monty is ... gay (or bi? Because it looks like he's dated Liz for once?), so that's an added bonus. Is this something that's normal in the setting? Because he did say people usually flock towards him before the accident - does his sexuality not a hindrance to how they view him? Maybe it doesn't, but this might be something worth thinking about.

Other than that, Monty's voice is strong. The flow of the story is smooth - every transition between scenes feels natural. I'm curious how the story goes (I'm planning to read all the parts now, wish me luck since I don't usually binge-read multiple-parts short story). Right now, the conflict is Monty's struggle to adapt to his still-damaged form, but I expect more conflicts in the sense of clashes between parties in further installment.

Keep up the good job!

Hello!

You managed to present a lot of information in such a short amount of words. Everything flowed together so effortlessly. I never felt as if I was having unnecessary information forced on me, or as if the information was out of place in its context. I really wanted to commend you on that.

I don't know exactly how to say that, but you have a very casual, easy-flowing writing style. I was surprised to see the chapter end! I felt like I had only just begun getting into the flow of things. I was ready to turn the page. I will say, though, that your beginning was sorta slow. At first, but not for a long time, I felt as if I'd missed a chapter or was dropped off into the middle of a paragraph. I guess I'm used to reading things with a very definite start, something that grabs the eye and pulls you in. I didn't get that here, but it didn't take away from the chapter as a whole. I'm starting to think that may just be your style.

As far as grammar, I have nothing to say. There was one part where you doubled your words,

Once I was I was

,

but that's most definitely just a slip of the fingers. I did find a small fault in continuity.

Liz pulled me over and took me in her arms.

Before this line, there was nothing before hand to indicate that Liz had pulled over or stopped. So, in this moment, she's still presumably driving. Needless to say, they'd wreck. I noticed later that you mentioned her beginning to drive again, so maybe the part about her stopping got accidentally cut in editing? Either way, I just wanted to bring it to your attention.

And that's all I have! I'm very intrigued about the circumstances of Monty's accident. Part of me is guessing a fire, but it could be anything really. He also seems to be famous - an actor? I see that this is a short story so I'm excited to get to the end of this! Please let me know when you post a part two. Though, if the second part is as short as this one, I don't know how all the mysteries are gonna be solved. Is this a short story like a novella or is it more essay length? Let me know!

Anyway, enough rambling from me. I'm interested to see where this will go :3

Hiya, Elinor!

I caught your work in the green room and thought I'd drop you a quick review!

Gonna focus mainly on grammar-type things because that's my typical jam. I'll try to squeeze in some stuff about content at the end, but I'm still not great at that, so forgive me if it's lackluster.

Let's get going, then!

She had her windshield wipers on but they did little to stop the stream of rain that poured down her dashboard.

Unless she's got a crack in her windshield, I sure hope the rain isn't pouring down her dashboard! If you wanted to give the image of the reflection of rain on the dashboard, you might be able to rework it reasonably. Or you probably meant windshield and mis-typed. I dunno, but I thought I'd point this out!

Once I was I was standing on my own two feet

Accidental double “I was” here, oops.

Liz began to drive. “Rod had to go to dinner with his parents,” she said. “They’re in town.” I nodded. “How are you feeling?”

This is some disconcerting formatting. Dialogue is usually separated from actions and whatnot, unless they're tags or go along with/are directly following the dialogue. (Not the best explanation on my part, but I'll show an example of how to better format this.)
You can drop a few things onto their own lines so that it doesn't feel like such a quick-paced, confusing spiel.

Liz began to drive.
“Rod had to go to dinner with his parents,” she said. “They're in town.”
I nodded.
“How are you feeling?”

You may also consider added “she continued/asked/etc” after the last bit, but it may make the portion a bit dialogue-tag-heavy.

The sentence following her last bit of dialogue there should also start on its own line, and I'll touch on it again because--

My reflection, blurred in the dashboard by the rain, was my answer.

Dashboard again! So I'm guessing you did mean windshield when you said dashboard. I'm not sure if you say it differently where you live, but where I live, the dashboard is like the bit behind your steering wheel and where your GPS may be located. It's below the windshield, and not really a part of it.

But this may be how it's referred to where you live, or it may have been an accident, so I won't pester you about it any further!

First, at the right side. It was the face I'd stared at in the mirror for twenty-five years, the one seemingly untouched by my car careening off the cliff.

Is it seemingly untouched, or is it truly untouched? Seemingly implies that it looks to be untouched, but actually is (touched), and-- In this context I think omitting “seemingly” may work better.

I'd written it off as a nightmare, and the longer I avoided it, the less real it was. The man staring back at me now, blurred though it was, made my skin crawl. I quickly looked away. "Monty?"

“Monty?” should start a new line, as Liz is the one saying it and the paragraph so far has been about Monty. Even with a dialogue tag specifying that it's Liz, a new line would be appropriate. (Also, that isn't a call for a tag here. It's great without the tag. There's no confusion, just to clarify that!)

I could see tears welling her eyes.

Typically this is phrased as “welling in her eyes”, but I'll leave its fate up to you.

Smile by Nat King Cole came on.

So here, the title of the song would either be italicized, or placed within single quotation marks. Not only does it make the sentence look cleaner, but it can help to avoid possible confusion. Stylistically I prefer italics, or you can do both, but you can go with whichever, of course. *finger guns*

"Oh, Monty, honey..." Liz pulled me over and took me in her arms. "It's not that bad."

Oh my god I thought they were driving, even though you never specified. I just assumed for some reason, and right here I almost flipped out, lel

"God, I don't know what have done if....we're all so happy you're alive."

*”I'd have done”, is what you meant, I presume?

The truth was that I was putting on a brave face for her. My whole body hurt like hell. The ten different pain medications they'd given me hadn't made any of it go away. I felt like I was on fire. But I didn't want to talk about it now. "I'm hungry," I said. "Do you want to get some food?"

This is a good paragraph and I just wanted to give props. *thumbs up* Like, if there's a time to tack the dialogue onto the end of a paragraph rather than starting a new line, this is the way to do it. Nice work!

"Sure," Liz said. She started to drive again. "Hoagies?"
“You read my mind.”
Inside of the restaurant I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, staring and whispering.

This is a big jump in scene. One minute we're in the car with them, as they're deciding what to eat, and then boom-- already there. I'd suggest either a break with some sort of symbol (you know how books do) or adding a bit more in, at least about Liz putting the car into drive and then do the paragraph break and go with this.

Also, Monty is obviously in a bad spot, both physically and emotionally, but I still feel that you should add some emotion to his “You read my mind.” comment. Perhaps a tag stating whether he's grinning or, like, tiredly chuckling at the coincidence, or anything really. It just feels bland and rushed through. Even just an inkling of insight into his emotion in that comment could benefit this scene a bunch, I think.

That three weeks ago, if I’d gone into this same restaurant, they would have flocked to me, asked if I would take a picture with them?

So the question mark isn't really grammatically correct. It says that people would have asked a question of him, but that doesn't warrant a question mark on the statement itself. Unless you meant to say “would they have flocked to me,” rather than “they would have”. In that case, whoops, typo, and the question mark works great!

Anyway, this was a nice little part! The pacing was good, and almost entirely consistent throughout, aside from the hiccup with the transitioning to the restaurant. The characters are built nicely – I'm guessing you've already done a lot of stories with them? If not, then great job on making them feel established already!

Plot-wise, it wasn't super active, but it's only one part and it's not action or adventure as far as I can tell, so a bunch of activity isn't really warranted. The story still progressed, so it's all good.


I don't really have a lot else to say, but I hope this review was helpful in some way! Keep up the good work!

- Hatt