z

Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Ghost Man (2/4)

by Elinor


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

"I'm fine," I replied. "Liz, thank you for everything." I didn't get it. In the three weeks I'd been in the hospital, she was the one who'd spent the most time with me. Rod had visited once, and our conversation had been short and somewhat awkward. He'd left a card, and patted my shoulder on his way out. "Feel better, Monty," he'd said. I was distant now, thinking about it, and Liz's touch, a simple hand on my shoulder, brought me back.

It was still pouring when she pulled up to my house. “Do you need help?”

"I'm fine," I replied. "Liz, thank you for everything." I didn't get it. In the three weeks I'd been in the hospital, she was the one who'd spent the most time with me. Rod had visited once, and our conversation had been short and somewhat awkward. He'd left a card, and patted my shoulder on his way out. "Feel better, Monty," he'd said. I was distant now, thinking about it, and Liz's touch, a simple hand on my shoulder, brought me back.

She handed me my keys and a tote bag of a few things I'd taken to keep myself occupied. She gave me her umbrella too. "I'll get it back from you later," she said.

Then, she'd stopped me before I could get out the car. I didn't know what was wrong. "You’ve got to be kidding me," she said, cursing under breath.

"What's wrong?

"Ssh," she said. "I'll take care of it." That’s when I saw the photographers hiding behind my bushes.

Liz approached them. “If either so much as takes another step forward, I’m filing a restraining order.” The photographers just stood there. “My bad side isn’t a place either of you want to be.”

This did the trick and they began to walk away. “I better not see any pictures tomorrow!” Once they were far enough away, she opened the passenger side door. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

I shrugged and let Liz help me out of the car and into my house. I somehow had expected it to be different, but it was exactly the way it was. “Thank you, Liz.”

“I know you’d do the same for me,” she replied as she turned on the lights. “Is there anything else you need?”

“Sleep.”

She nodded. “Do you want me to come by tomorrow?”

“That might be nice.”

She hugged me again and I locked the door after her. For the first time in an eternity, I was alone. In the hospital there’d been my visitors, the nurses and doctors every three hours or so. I had been aching for time to myself. Now, I had it and the solitude was overwhelming.

I walked over to the couch and sat down. Outside, it was still pouring. It was relaxing in a way, watching the rain on my windows. Still, I shut the blinds in case there was anyone else outside. Once I stretched out, I realized how exhausted I was. And the rain was so calming.

“Stay a little longer. You haven’t even been here that long.”

“My call’s at 6am, Liz.”

“And mine’s at 7. I’ve barely seen you since you started shooting.”

“Alright, I suppose one more glass wouldn’t hurt.”

I woke up with a cold sweat. It was 2:30 in the morning, and the rain had finally more or less subsided. In my dream, I got into the car, but I hadn’t been knocked unconscious right after I fell. I heard Liz screaming my name, and I felt every flip before my car finally landed upside down in an empty field.

Maybe that was it. It was all just a nightmare. I went to bathroom and again, saw my reflection in the mirror. One side a little scarred, but fine. The other stretched out, deformed, on fire.

In the hospital I’d spoken to Joe, and he assured me that the movie would finish as planned. But he hadn’t seen me yet.

No way was going to pay to see my face on a movie screen, no matter how much they’d loved me before. 

-

More to come. 


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Sun Apr 22, 2018 2:54 pm
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hello again! <3

It looks like you might have a repeat paragraph (1 and 3 are the same) at the start of this bit, which threw me, but once I figure that out everything was right and perfect again.

My feedback on this section is mostly a host of missed opportunities. You've given yourself such great basis-es (bases??) for scenes that then get brushed over in summary. I think you're really missing something by not exploring the scene in the diner, or the scene with Monty alone at home for the first time. Take these moments to slow down and really explore how Monty is feeling coming home after spending so much time in the hospital.

This story seems to be so much about Monty's internal narrative and internal recovery, yet we spend a lot of time outside of him. Exploring an internal recovery via external events/narrative is definitely a thing you can do, but it's not really what I get the sense you're aiming for here. These don't have to be long scenes, but taking some time to slow down and ground us in Monty's experiences in these places following his hospitalization will really help us connect to him and his story.

Otherwise, another lovely section! On to the next <3

--Lauren




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Thu Apr 05, 2018 12:56 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here again. Bear with me. :D

Instant thought: can't help but to compare Rod with Liz. Obviously the latter is a much more likeable character, but I think there's more to why Rod's acting awkward. And I hope so much it would be something understandable. I want to like more of your characters. I'm still scratching the surface, I hope.

(First paragraph is repeated twice, by the way. I think you meant to place it as the second paragraph, so just ditch the first one.)

“If either so much as takes another step forward, I’m filing a restraining order.” The photographers just stood there. “My bad side isn’t a place either of you want to be.”


Dang photographers! So desperate. This dialogue is rather awkward because of the 'either of [you]'. The first one is fine though I think you missed the 'you', but the second one can be ditched. 'You don't want to get on my bad side' seems more natural because of the subject. I expect people who are angry usually direct their anger by having 'you' as the subject of their dialogue.

Urgh, the rain just makes everything sadder. That little detail of the weather can give so much impact to the atmosphere of the story.

The other stretched out, deformed, on fire.


This description is just so frank, so on-point, that I can't help but to visualize it and saying 'uuuuurggghhh' like, it's not something I want to happen to me, you know? Remarkable how simple imagery can affect you so much. And the fact that Monty thinks it's just a dream? Poor, poor man. Really, why are you doing this to me? I need to take a break from absorbing all the gloominess in this part.

In the hospital I’d spoken to Joe, and he assured me that the movie would finish as planned. But he hadn’t seen me yet.

No way was going to pay to see my face on a movie screen, no matter how much they’d loved me before.


In the first paragraph, the rejection is implied. In the second, it shows its ugly big head in full view. Seriously. It's like having a stone thrown at you before a boulder follows up. The troubles that keep falling on Monty's shoulder are too overwhelming for me to follow this without taking sometime to compose myself (I'm sensitive like that). And I think this is the first time where I truly feel for a character in YWS.

Kudos, girl, kudos. On to the next one. :D




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Sun Apr 01, 2018 6:02 am
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Hattable wrote a review...



Hey there, Elinor!

Same deal as last time - grammar stuff, then I'll try to mention my thoughts on the content itself. Here we go!

"I'm fine," I replied. "Liz, thank you for everything." I didn't get it. In the three weeks I'd been in the hospital, she was the one who'd spent the most time with me.

I'd drop the “I didn't get it” part to a new line, and then you can continue the rest of the paragraph beyond it as usual.

Also, I notice that the first paragraph is repeated immediately after itself? I'm not sure if this was a mistake of copy/pasting or if it's some kind of repeat of his memory? I'm leaning more towards the former scenario, but if it is a repeated memory, then you'd really wanna word it differently, because that's way too repetitive, lel

Liz approached them. “If either so much as takes another step forward, I’m filing a restraining order.” The photographers just stood there. “My bad side isn’t a place either of you want to be.”
This did the trick and they began to walk away. “I better not see any pictures tomorrow!” Once they were far enough away, she opened the passenger side door. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

This scene happens pretty quickly, and it's not entirely clear what happens for a portion of it. So Liz sees some photographers (why they're trying to get pictures of Monty, I'm not sure), and she decides to go confront them. Reading it the first time, I thought she was telling Monty that she'd file a restraining order against them, despite her already approaching them. I think you should add “of you”, make it “If either of you so much as [...]”. It would read clearer, and it sounds more realistic.

Also, I feel that the photographers should have had more of a reaction to this. Were they spooked? Annoyed by her chasing them off? A bit of insight into their expressions or body language could do this scene some good.

I'd also suggest adding “she called after them” after her final dialogue directed at the photographers, then a line drop at “Once they were far enough away”. I think the flow would be smoother with these changes, and it wouldn't feel so awkward to read.

In the hospital there’d been my visitors, the nurses and doctors every three hours or so.

I'm a big supporter of the Oxford comma, so I'll suggest it here (“my visitors, the nurses, and doctors”), simply to avoid the uneven feeling that this sentence initially gave me, but it's entirely up to you which comma you use!

“Stay a little longer. You haven’t even been here that long.”
“My call’s at 6am, Liz.”
“And mine’s at 7. I’ve barely seen you since you started shooting.”
“Alright, I suppose one more glass wouldn’t hurt.”

Oh, shooting as in filming, I presume? So the photographers would be paparazzi, alright-- that's all cleared up now, haha.
Also, this bit here isn't quite clear to me? I'm not sure the context. Obviously it's a flashback/memory of some sort, but the segue into it is odd and doesn't give context as to when it's from or what, exactly, it's about. Maybe you could add a preceding sentence to briefly set the scene?

It was 2:30 in the morning, and the rain had finally more or less subsided. 

“Finally” gives a sense that it's all done (a sense of finality, if you will), but then “more or less” indicates that there's still a sprinkle or such. These phrases feel contradicting, and I'd recommend working one out, based upon which sense you meant to convey (no more rain, or a little).

In my dream, I got into the car, but I hadn’t been knocked unconscious right after I fell. I heard Liz screaming my name, and I felt every flip before my car finally landed upside down in an empty field.

This is also confusing to read. A better wording may be “I had gotten into the car”. As for the rest, I'm not sure how to offer assistance-- I just know that I'm not sure what's going on. “I hadn't been knocked unconscious right after I fell” particularly confuses me.
I take it that this is a dream to the car accident that injured Monty? (I hope I'm right in extracting that he was in a car accident). But this description is a bit difficult to grasp.

I went to bathroom and again, saw my reflection in the mirror.

*the bathroom, and the comma isn't necessary.

In the hospital I’d spoken to Joe, and he assured me that the movie would finish as planned. But he hadn’t seen me yet.

(Oh, alright, now I'm piecing together the details of these characters)
I recommend making it “he'd assured me” or “he had assured me”, since you say “I'd spoken to Joe”. The absence of “had” (or its contraction) makes this portion feel as though it's shifted briefly to present tense, despite the overall tone of the sentence.

No way was going to pay to see my face on a movie screen, no matter how much they’d loved me before.

*”No one”? Or “No way was anyone”?

And that's all!
The pacing in this part was good, and the characters remained true to their portrayal in the previous part. There wasn't as much imagery as I'd have liked and there's a vague sense of shifting tenses here and there, but it's still good work.

The only major issue I have with your writing here is the lack of dialogue tags. An overabundance of them can be bad, of course, but having so few that the potential for confusion on who's speaking arises can also be bad. I'm not saying to tack them onto every bit of dialogue, or even every conversation, but sprinkling a few more in here and there might help the flow of your story. Plus, dialogue tags allow you to explore the emotion of a character even more, should the dialogue not be quite enough to convey their emotion (though-- p sure I heard somewhere that good writing conveys feeling through dialogue, so maybe don't pile into that too much).

Well, I think that's all for this review! Sorry again that I'm not the best when it comes to actual content. I hope this review was helpful in some ways!


Keep up the good work!
- Hatt




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Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:58 am
Nobunaga says...



[ignore this please I don't know why it posted my review twice]




Nobunaga says...


I don't know why this posted twice..



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Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:58 am
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Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello again!

Whoops. Looks like you doubled up your intro paragraph there.

I'm really feeling for Monty right now. I mean, as an actor, your face is your most valuable possession! I couldn't even imagine being in such a situation. That'd be like breaking all of my fingers. I would just... I don't know what I'd do. Actually, probably talk-to-text BUT STILL! And I'm very interested about this Rod guy. Is he Monty's boyfriend? That's the vibe I'm getting. But, if that's the case, where the heck has he been? I'm very worried that something is about to go wrong with that relationship.

You've done a good job about making me care about Monty. I don't know if it's his particular situation or the gloomy tone of the writing, but it's working. Liz is working out to be my favorite character though. She's so kind and selfless. I love her already. This seems to be a story that's going to be driven more by characters than plot. That's not to say that your plot is lacking, but rather your characters and our investment in them is what's going to make or break it here.

I don't have any comments to make on grammar, you've got that locked down.

I do think you're missing a word here:

“If either so much as takes another step forward,


Should it be "If either of you"?

Well, that's all I have for you right now! In the next chapter, I would like to see more focus payed to emotions (facial expressions, gestures, etc.). I feel like we might move too fast through this if everything is kept so simple as it is now. In my opinion, this could really benefit from slowing things down and taking a closer look at our cast. Let me know whenever you post again! I really appreciated the ping :3




Elinor says...


Not his boyfriend necessarily but more there%u2019s sexual tension/a history there. I want to play into it more going forward. Thanks for the reviews and I%u2019ll let you know when I post more. C:




We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy