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“It’s a no, Christian. We need the money.”
Christian Scott sighed as he glanced down at his knapsack, knowing that its contents would never be delivered. Of course his father would never understand. Why had he even bothered to ask?
Earlier that day, on his way home from the general store, he had seen a hungry young child dressed in nothing but torn rags. He didn’t even want to contemplate how the child could have survived in such cold weather. Christian guessed they were on the brink of death.
“Father,” he pleaded, trying one last time, “It’s almost Christmas, and I believe that the children of town could use some gifts. We have more money than of them. In times like these, we should share it.” Christian’s father was Timothy Scott, a farmer, famous in their hometown of Nova Scotia for growing maple trees that produced the best maple syrup anyone had ever tasted.
“I said no. Have you fed Rudolph today?”
“Not yet. I’ll do that now.” Christian had a feeling that his father was kicking him in the house, although he didn’t care. He needed time alone with Rudolph, his pet deer which he had gotten for his birthday. No matter what the circumstances are, Rudolph was always happy to see him.
Christian swung open the front door, taking in the view. The ten-acre farm he lived in sported a fantastic view of the small town below. The sky was crystal white, and Christian had noticed there was a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. He began to make his way towards the pen where all the animals were kept. Thankfully, it wasn’t far, and Rudolph looked overjoyed to see him.
“Hello there,” said Christian, grinning as he tried to quiet the deer. “Would you like some food?”
Rudolph happily bobbed his head in agreement.
“There there,” said Christian calmly, getting a bucket of carrots from the nearby stable. Rudolph seemed surprised that he was getting such a treat.
“Well,” Christian explained, “my father wouldn’t let me use some of his money to buy gifts for some of the poorer children in our neighborhood. For the sake of Christmas, I would like to at least make someone’s day better. He finished with a smile.
With that, Rudolph grabbed the carrots from his owner’s hand, wolfing them down as If he hadn’t eaten in years.
“Hello.”
The voice startled Christian. He didn’t know there was anyone else behind him. He turned, viewing a girl with caramel curls and large, aqua green eyes, carrying a basket. He knew the girl; it was Jacqueline Hart, his neighbor and a friend who went to the same schoolhouse as him from first through eighth grade. Christian wondered what she was doing here.
Jacqueline must have seen his expression. “I need to buy some of your father’s delicious maple syrup. We just ran out, and my mother wants to make flapjacks tomorrow morning.”
“I could get you some,” said Christian, not wanting to return to his father.
“That would be perfect,” said Jacqueline with a smile.
“Follow me,” said Christian quietly. They walked for a few minutes in silence, through the beautiful snow-capped wonders of the farm. Christian had always thought his hometown was prettiest in the wintertime.
“Are you alright?” Jacqueline asked, noticing the slouched expression and quiet tone of her friend. Christian sighed, not wanting to reveal the argument he had had with this father
“I’m fine.”
Jacqueline rolled her eyes. “Christian,” she said quietly, “I’m not really here for maple syrup.” She yanked him by the shoulders and turned him around, giving him a seductive look. “I was actually wondering if you wanted to come with me to the Christmas play tomorrow night.” She winked. Christian found the offer hard to resist, even though he had already guessed what his father’s response would be.
“I’ll be sure to ask,” said Christian, an idea forming in his head. “So, I’ll see you later?”
“Yes,” said Jacqueline, smiling as she left.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hiya, Teddy!
I find this idea very cute! Especially Rudolph. He makes me smile. Every story needs a lovable character like Rudolph. (Though is it really legit to have pet deer? I've never heard it, but maybe you have.)
I feel that this has a lot of potential if you slowed it down. If you're like me, you'd have been so excited to write about Rudolph that you forget everything else! Take your time to describe the scene, explain what each character is doing or saying, and help the reader get an idea of what's going on. At the moment, it's hard to picture.
The dad sounds flat and authoritative. He just says no. Describe how he says no. Does he say it with force? Does he look angry with Christian? Does he shrug off his questions like they don't matter? Does he make eye contact with his son or glare at him? Perhaps there's a reason Dad doesn't want to give money away? I, as the reader, wouldn't mind exploring the options the dad's avoiding.
Jacqueline scares me. She seemed like such a sweet friend that I was happy Christian had such a neighbor, and then she goes all "willyougooutwithme?!?!?" with a seductive look? Completely taken aback, and I didn't like that fish smacking me in the face. If I was Christian, I would definitely give her an odd look, shove the syrup in her hands, and run back to Daddy (even if he would bite my head off).
I can definitely see this turning out very well (kind of like a Scrooge story or something). The only problem I see is description/pace. Just take your time to talk about it. The reader (as well as yourself [hopefully]) has five senses you can use (sight, hear, etc.) to help out. When it comes to explanations, keep asking yourself why. If the answer's not obvious in the writing, then find a way to explain it. If it's a given, then you can probably leave it out.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey there EB, it’s lily here as asked. Shall we get started? We shall.
Nitpicks
I think you forgot a word in there after ‘than.’ Probably ‘any’ or ‘many.’
Um…I think you meant ‘him out of the.’
You seemed to have forgotten your ending quotation marks as well as turning that period into a comma.
Seems you’ve capitalized the ‘I’ in ‘if’.
The comma here is rather unnecessary.
Dialogue
The speech patterns here do feels a bit forced in my opinion, especially between Christian and Jacqueline. Have you ever listened to a pair of people (especially close, kind of nervous teenagers) talk to each other? Well, whether you have or not, you have to pretend that you have or imagine that you have. It has to flow realistically. Not only that, but in this type of situation, there would be a lot of awkward pauses and nervous ticks occurring. Things like biting their lips or twirling with a stray piece of hair. Together, those little habits and the right word choice make a story seem a billion times better.
Characters
Things are still feeling a tad bit two dimensional. Christian is a good kid who obviously sees a lot of meaning in Christmas. However, Jacqueline and Scott lack a lot of life. Just make sure you put some focus on them to make sure that they start to really feel alive to the reader.
Overall
I know I’m going to sound like a terrible person when I say this, but I’m not really a huge fan of Christmas myself. However, I liked how you used certain Christmas clichés (like the name of the deer) but you didn’t over do it which is good.
If you ever need me, just send of the Chat Girl signal and I’ll be there in my chat mobile.
~lilymoore
Hi Eli, I'm here with the review like you asked
. I thought this was an interesting idea but it confused me a little in the beginning. When you started off with the father saying no it confused me, I didn't know what was asked so I was wondering through the first few lines. Because of this confusion I wasn't really hooked at the beginning. I also didn't understand about the knapsack. If they needed money there would be nothing in there he would be able to take anywhere, also the fact that I never knew what was there made me think it wasn't as important as your MC made it to be.
....kicking him out of the house. I think that's what you meant.
Other than that I didn't really see anything wrong with it. I think it will get better as it gets a little longer and you can tell us more about the characters. Also the idea of Christian keeping the deer as a pet sort of reminded me of the movie Prancer. But I want to see how you write the rest of this. Good job.
PM me if you have any questions. I hope I didn't confuse you too much
~peanut~