Young Writers Society

Hey there El.

Did I post a review for the original? I remember reading the original, but can't remember whether if I typed up a review on it or not.

Anyways, after reading this, I didn't think there was much difference between this and the original. A lot of the problems that I had with the original still existed here.

Please try to this first point into consideration: Your characters. No offense, but they too pretentious and naive to even be considered to be elite knights. To me, they seemed more like regular teenage girls out at the mall, listening to their Ipods, gossiping and into things like Twilight... You need to do more research as to how knights are chosen and what character traits are normally sought after in knights. To me, if I was to choose a knight, I would expect one to be mature, confident and have an insight as to how things work in their world. Your characters lack that.

My 2nd point ties in rather closely with my first point: The overall message and theme of this piece. To me, this read more like a version of a reality show like American Idol, The Bachelor etc whereas more mature themes like servitude to one's country, war and death are almost ignored. When people become knights, they aren't joining it just to feel important, but to serve their country despite the fact that they might lose their lives. If a person doesn't have that in their minds, then they are totally screwed. I am quite certain that within a few seconds of war, your characters would die in a snap of a finger. Never just think that knighthood is about rank and respect. It's not.

Thirdly, I'm wondering as to why you chose to have fairies as your species. You could of used humans for all I care. I think you need to make more use of the folklore of fairies and tie it more into the situation. Point is that for a story having fairies, you aren't really making much use of their folklore in telling a story.

And lastly, I think you could of expanded on the king himself. I mean how does he know that he's going to die? Why is he so desperate to appoint elite knights? He is easily one of the more interesting characters in this piece, but you much rather focus more on the whole reality show affair. I really do want to know more about the king himself and his motivates as that could make this piece more interesting.

Hope this helped.

Andy.

Hello Elinor! (Allow me to reiterate that I am overly critical nowadays. It may stem from the fact that college is getting to me in more ways than one)

I know I am privileged to be in imperial palace of the king and enjoying a feast with ninety-nine others, including my best friend.

However, I see the others. Their faces are beet red, their palms sweating. Even I can scarcely breathe.

I try to gaze around the room, try to admire the beauty. Very few faeries will ever see the inside of the hall in which I am sitting. Glistening pearl flooring; a large diamond chandelier, and tall, gold trimmed walls; it is all too beautiful. I sink back into my crystalline chair, tapping Elisabeth on her shoulder.

“I can barely consume this,” I tell her, pointing to my plate of barely-nibbled venison.
Elisabeth just shrugs, sipping her moonberry juice. “Even if we don’t get selected, we should know how privileged we were to be able to stay in the imperial palace for two weeks.” I nod, thinking back to the newspaper that announced the hundred. That was a high honor in itself, but to go one step further, to be one of the two who are chosen as knight-adepts would be the greatest thing imaginable.

Even though I would leave my family, they would visit occasionally, and I would live for the next ten years in the imperial palace, never to be impoverished again. I would be trained personally by the king in preparation become a full fledged knight. I sigh at how wondrous it would be.

But I snap back into reality. There are a hundred of us. Only two will be selected. Those were not very good chances, and there were plenty of talented faeries in this room. Suddenly the noise grows. I see that someone is coming through the hall. It is the king! I straighten up in my chair, feeling my wings flap faster than absolute. Suddenly we all grow quiet. The king, who has taken a seat in the large, throne-like chair at the table end clears his throat and speaks. Across the glass table, a girl nearly faints. Someone sitting next to her grabs her hand and helps her sit up.

“Before I announce my selection, I would just like to say a few words.” His voice is dry and cracked, I notice. “The final selection was a very difficult one. We have exactly forty-eight faeries in the knight force right now. What did I look for in numbers forty-nine and fifty? I needed two young faeries that were skilled in battle, obviously. It is a talent which you all posses. However, I also needed people who were patient, kind and brave. I needed to know I could trust them, because there is one thing that I looked for that only applies to this group.”

We grow silent. What could the king mean? Several begin chattering. Elisabeth and I exchange a look.

The king continues. “As you all know, I am childless. In the event of a childless king, one of the two knight-adepts will ascend to the throne.” He pauses to cough and then continues. “I have been told that I will be dead within the next ten years.”
The king cannot continue, for the room bursts with gossip. Even my mind is racing with confusion. Dead? The king had been ruling for the past seventy years. He seemed ageless. What was even more confusing was the ease and comfort in his voice. However, I quiet down, telling myself I will hear more information regarding this matter later on. The king continues.

I blink. Me? Chosen? This was impossible. I’m frozen with shock, and all eyes in the room turn to me. Elisabeth dabs my shoulder, reassuring me.
“Congratulations, Dinah, now get up there!” She helps me to my feet, and I move over to the king’s place, avoiding jealous stares as I glide along the floor.
I can feel my legs shaking as the king gives me a silver circlet, which will be a sign of knight-hood. There is applause, but it seems feigned.

“And now, the second young faerie is not only a powerful fighter, but is strong, brave, and a great friend to us all. Elisabeth Fallon!”
I open my mouth in surprise. Elisabeth? This was impossible. I had just been granted the highest honor in the land, and my friend would be right there beside me? I felt as though I was living inside a dream. But this was real. I knew it.
Thick, wet tears began to flow down my cheeks. Here I was, the envy of so many people, in a situation which few scarcely dream of. It was a perfect moment, and I didn't want to end.

Hi Elinor,

Quick review for you today.

I thought this was clear and fairly well-written. The tenses are a bit shaky though - you need to watch that conditional tense (would) in particular.

I'm finding it slightly counter-intuitive that the king now has fifty faerie knights, forty-eight of whom are experienced warriors, but he wants to choose his successor from the two who have absolutely no relevant experience at all. This leads me to worry that the story might be suffering from a slight bit of romanticisation. Qualities like being "patient, kind and brave", while good for PR, probably wouldn't be as useful to a future monarch as, say, leadership experience, a good grasp of economics, possibly military and tactical strength, interpersonal skills, etc. Whoever is normally in charge of the faerie knights would, I assume, have won the respect of his knights and proven himself to the faerie community, and therefore be a much better choice than a young, low-ranking soldier with zero experience.

The protagonist seems like a generic good girl. All she's done so far is sit and listen passively while a third party gives her what she wants. I feel like I might get a better sense of her as a compelling, well-rounded character if there was some conflict in the story - a source of pressure and desperation, something she had to fight for.

My suspicion is that the story might start at a later stage, when things start going horribly wrong.

Hope this helps, Elinor.

Cheers,
Karsten