AN: Hi guys! So, this is a rewrite of I'm Coming Home for Christmas, a short story I posted on the site a while ago. A lot of people suggested that I rewrite it from the point of view of Rosalie (the girl). I'm ahead in NaNo but I still I wanted to write, so here is what I came up it. Obviously since this is being told from the standpoint of a six year old, it's not going to be as complex. So, which version do you guys like better? This is also in Historical Fiction because I've added a bit of detail and pinpointed the setting. The title is an homage to Andy Williams's classic song -- you'll soon see how it fits.
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I smell them as soon as I wake up. Mommy's cinnamon rolls that she makes every year for Christmas, with frosting saved from our rations. We don't get to have many sweets because we have to save up our rations, but it is always worth it. I love Mommy's cinnamon rolls.
It is finally Christmas, and I can't wait to see what presents Santa has gotten me. I hope he got me the nurse dolly or the crayons I've asked for. And I hope Sean doesn't mess with me when I try to play with my toys or say that they are silly and only for bratty little girls. But I am not little. I am six.
Maybe we will even get a card from Daddy. For a long long time Daddy has been off fighting in the war. Mommy says he's helping America stop a really bad man from taking over Europe and doing bad things to people. But Mommy doesn't tell me what kinds of bad things he does. I know she tells Sean. He is eleven. We haven't gotten a card from Daddy in a while. I hope he's okay.
I don't want to change out of my nightgown so I put on my fluffy pink robe Aunt Alison got me and head downstairs. I smell the cinnamon. It so good-smelling and I am so hungry!
“Rosalie, honey?” I hear Mommy's voice from the kitchen. “Come in here, dear. There's a surprise waiting for you?”
Mommy must be talking about the cinnamon rolls. But it's not a surprise because I know she makes them every year. I go in the kitchen anyway.
It seems normal. Sean is at the kitchen table eating and he has frosting on his cheeks. Mommy is at the kitchen washing dishes. Then I see someone behind me. He's still wearing his army outfit.
“Hello, Rosalie,” says Daddy, giving me a bear hug.
Daddy is home! How long has he been here? Why didn't Mommy tell me? Did Sean know? “Oh, Daddy, you're back from the war! Are you back to stay?”
“No, Rosalie. Just for the week. But at least I get this time now and I get to you see you and Sean.”
After so many months, our family is finally together. And then I realize I don't care if Sean teases me when we're opening presents.
“Daddy?
"Yes, Rosalie?”
“I think Santa gave us the best present of all.”
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Ahhhh, that was really cute! XxX
I would suggest having more narration. This is a little too short. You have a few sentences in between, which is good. But I think you could add a bit more. And detail, lots of detail - describe the flush of her cheeks, the red in her hair, the sweet crusty smell of cinamons. You have to have more narrative for this to work. Only a suggestion though. Hope this helped
Hi there!
So I read both of them and I think this one is the better of the two. This is because you seem to be concentrating on the emotions of your MC, and first person manages to portray that clearly.
Just a nit pick,
It's a statement, not a question.
Now, this was good, but I think you can make more of it. I realize she's six years old, but the mind of a six year old is something you can really play around with. You should show us the world through her innocent eyes. Six year olds see everything differently, Christmas is like magic to them. I think you can add a more festive feeling to your story through your MC.
Good Luck!
Final thoughts:
I'll forgive the simplicity because it's supposed to be in the POV of a six-year-old, but I can't forgive the lack of showing or the forced quality of the voice. The piece doesn't flow at all. It's stiff and it's clear you're trying your best to sound like a six-year-old in the narrative, but it's not good enough. I can see your efforts, though, and the first paragraph was perfect, in my opinion.
But after that, it went downhill. Sometimes your own voice slips in and it starts to sound more mature. Try to observe your younger siblings or your cousins during Christmas morning. They're less: "X will make fun of me!' and more "Presents!" (At least, in my experience.)
Also, the hardship of wartime isn't coming across clearly here. The only thing that seems different is the fact that they have to deal with food rations; otherwise, it seems normal. Perhaps a few more details? I feel as if there should be more fear, or at least, hints of war.
Finally, towards the end, the dialog is stiff. It sounds rehearsed. Try reading it out loud.
Anyway, those were my two cents. PM me if you have any questions!
-Octave