This is for tnme22's flash fiction contest.
A stream of fresh, crimson blood trickled down Tom's leg. He was just twenty-four, enjoying a hike with his friends. As he lay down in pain, with an extremely sharp thorn in his leg, he began to contemplate how it had happened in the first place.
It was a hot and humid mid-morning. The sun shot its rays out like laser guns, turning Tom and his friends into dripping fountains of sweat. The water that the guys had packed was no longer cold.
"I'm hungry," Tom had said. "Let's go get something to eat."
"Yes," agreed his friend Jerry. "I want to be done with this hike. Lets get some Arby's." Out of the four friends, Jerry was the weakest of the group, the one with the least endurance.
"We have to go back through the trail if we want to eat," Adam, another friend, reminded him. At this, Jerry sighed, groaning a little. "You can make it. If you don't, I'll tell Lucy you're a wimp." Lucy was Jerry's girlfriend, and a very fragile one, who only wanted the best boys around.
They sighed and went back to the trail. Tom was in front, with Jerry, Adam and Ben, respectively, behind them. As they were walking, however, Tom lost his footing and scraped his leg against the a thorn. He tripped and fell to the ground. The fall was sudden, making Jerry, Adam and Ben trip and fall as well. They all flew in different directions off the main trail - Jerry into a patch of poison ivy, Adam into a briar patch, and Ben in an area where ant nests were forming. Tom lay in the middle of the trail, bruised and bleeding.
However, pulling the thorn out only made more blood trickle down Tom's leg.
"Ben," he asked wearily, "Do you have the first aid kit?"
Ben didn't respond, for he was busy trying to get ants from crawling up his leg.
"Adam," He pleaded. However, because Adam had fallen into the briar patch, he was in much worse pain and he replied,
"Why should I help you, when you made us trip over?"
Tom rolled his eyes. "Jerry?"
"I agree with Adam," he said bluntly. "This is the worst hike ever."
"Listen," Tom said. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But I didn't make you trip over. We'll all go, get cleaned up." As his friends began to get out of their respective ares, Tom added, "Feel free to punish the real suspect."
And with that, Ben picked up the thorn and broke it in half.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this started out kind of rushed and a little janky with its actual setup but then after that I think it was pretty well done. It definitely felt like a decently realistic conversation for people of that age who were stuck in such a situation. And it did have a noticeable plot which is also nice and you seem to have stuck to it pretty well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well um that was a weird change of tone to put there right smack dab in the middle of the paragraph. Was very surprising and just a little bit weird to see. I would recommend either cutting right to the chase and beginning with thorns or maybe starting out with an establishing shot describing hiking and friends.
Ouch that does not sound like good hiking conditions. Also a thermos flask...those things are very useful you know.
Well that was a quick 180 from all the hiking talk. The way that you started this story I thought it was going to have a lot more than this to do with hiking.
Okay I personally think that's an odd description for Lucy right there but then the move by this dude is definitely extremely realistic and pretty much exactly what tends to happen in real life.
Okay suddenly this feels less like a hiking trail and more like a twisted house of horrors of some kind. I mean what are the chances of what just happened actually happening unless its like a Scooby Doo episode. And the Physics also seem a little off there for something like that to happen.
Well that at least is accurate. When something gets stuck into you its usually a good idea not to pull it out.
Well I mean was it really his fault though?
Well that's one way to get past such a situation although I still maintain that is is cartoonishly impossible in some bits then all of a sudden very realistic in other bits and that's a little awkward like you've written something wear it looks like you couldn't decide which version you wanted.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty cool little story. Like I said the overall tone of this and the message its trying to convey seemed a little undecided but other than that it was still some fairly decent dialogue and overall pretty funny as well.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Fair enough ending. Fair enough indeed. I didn't actually get into it until I read the ending, but that's because I'm picky and not much for mundane every day stories. Either way, it works.