Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Tell me a story, Grandpa.” The little girl had just been tucked into bed by her elderly grandfather, that she wasn’t ready to sleep yet. No child could drift into the realm of dreams without first hearing a tale to dream about. “Please?”

“Hundreds of years ago, there were two villages separated by a tall mountain. Because of the mountain, neither village knew that the other existed, and they lived very different lives.”

“The first village, we’ll call them the Wakers, was full of very smart and innovative people. As each year progressed, their village became more advanced and efficient. First they learnt how to farm without having to work hard, then they developed electricity, and then cars just like ours. Pretty soon, the village was full of bright lights and big power stations which sent great fumes of smoke up into the sky.”

“The second village, they can be called the Sleepers, was full of dull, unlearned people. They kept following the same routine, day after day, because they couldn’t be bothered doing anything else. The sleepers kept toiling away at the farms, they kept lighting candles instead of flicking switches, and they never discovered how to make cars. Whilst the Wakers evolved, the Sleepers stayed the same.”

“Soon enough, the smoke from the Waker’s power stations reached so high into the sky that the Sleepers could see it above the mountain. The Sleepers were certain that the smoke was in fact the form of a god, and they worshipped the fumes, singing to it and dancing in it. The smoke became their master.”

“But the Sleepers bodies hadn’t developed the immunities of the Wakers, and soon enough the smoke made them sick. One by one, the villagers began dying, and they didn’t know how to stop it.”

“The Wakers, being ever in need of new building materials, eventually started to mine through the mountain. They carved into its base, going deeper and deeper, until they broke through to the other side. The Wakers found the remaining Sleepers; fragile, ill and dying. They took the sick Sleepers back to their village, and used their advanced medicine to heal them.”

“The Sleepers couldn’t understand how the Wakers had healed them. They thought the god in the sky had sent them to help, or perhaps even that the Wakers themselves were gods! To thank the Wakers for healing them, the Sleepers became their servants. They did whatever the Wakers asked, because they believed they owed them their lives. They mined, farmed, cleaned, built houses and roads… the Sleepers did everything, whilst the Wakers watched, ordering their new slaves. The Wakers had never been so efficient in their work, had never been so advanced. All because they had slaves.”

The little girl tilted her head and asked, “But Grandpa, the Sleepers wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place if it weren’t for the Wakers. So why did they work for them?”

“They were blind, they didn’t realise that, they wouldn’t even consider it. That’s why I called them Sleepers.”

I really liked this one, but it didn't quite "wow" me, and I think a lot of that is that the "twist" at the end felt a little... flat? Like it wasn't a big zinger, and it got more of a "huh?" reaction from me than "ohhhh!"

Since this is so short, it raises the question of what direction you might want to go when editing. You could, for instance, flesh out the scene with the grandfather--describe the bedroom, the feel of the covers, the light outside the window. Have actions as the grandpa speaks, and tone of voice, and other beats between the dialogue. You could even do a mini parallel plot/story, with them putting something away or building with blocks or some other such tiny goal.

Alternatively, you could get rid of the frame story and simply tell the story of the Sleepers and Wakers. The frame story doesn't have much in the way of flavor or uniqueness (it's basically ONLY there to tell us the grandpa is telling a story), so if you did away with it, it's not like you're losing a whole big scene or arc. You'd be left with the "storyteller" style as the narrative in its place. Which, I suppose, like I've said, I don't really care for.

You could also take the concept of the Sleepers and Wakers and show it more in depth, show things as they unfold, take the story to then and there as opposed to someone talking about it many years in the future. That would probably necessitate coming up with a character who belongs to one of those cultures, for us to see everything through. Maybe a Waker, who first sees the smoke and is gripped with holy fear and spreads the word, and then we see as he falls ill, but still worships the very thing that's causing it. Actually that might be pretty fun, really digging into the emotions there.

I'd say any of those 3 directions is equally viable. I like #3 the best, followed by #1 , but that's just my taste.

I'm here for a review! Lets see if I can get this one in faster than @Casanova.

This piece feels rather bare-bones. We get a simple introduction about the girl and her grandpa telling her a story, and that's it. It's a framing device, and I'm really not sure you need it.

But the story, while interesting in concept, isn't really compelling in and of itself. I don't understand why the grandpa is telling this little girl this rather odd story, and the story itself is again, bare-bones. Which is how you would expect a grandpa to tell a bedtime tale, but since there's no other conflict to the story, the entire thing hinges on this tale. And yet it doesn't feel like there's conflict - it's more like a history book or a legend, and those don't stand on their own without some thematic connection to the actual story.

I'm curious though - are the Sleepers even unhappy being slaves to the Wakers? It seems like they'd be doing the same things they were doing before, and from what you've told us clearly they don't care about progress or improving themselves. So I can't help but wonder if their lives are much different, even as slaves.

The little girl had just been tucked into bed by her elderly grandfather, that she wasn’t ready to sleep yet.

Heya, Dracula! Casanova here to do a review!

Since this is a short story, I will start off by saying I would rather something more than just dialogue. You've entitled your work,"Wakers and Sleepers," Whenever they're something a character from you story is talking about. There really wasn't much of anything as a climatic twist to this, and the story itself seemed a bit dull. I'm not saying scrap it, but maybe you could add in a bit more context. Practically what we have is a work about Wakers owning Sleepers in a sense. Sleepers worked for them, although they were blind. But, as far as yoru main character goes, we don't have much of a plot line. This would go better in something like a chapter, where it would be getting to the end of the chapter, if you know what I'm trying to get at.
The overall character description is.. Well, basically not there. As I said, it's mainly dialogue. But the dialogue is mainly telling a story. So, there really isn't much of that going on either.
I don't like reading a short story or something of the like and finding it to be mainly dialogue. Really all you have to do is think if a conversation- boom you have your dialogue. It takes more thinking to do the context stuff. SO I would suggest doing more of that.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on. I hope this helped!

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Wow. I've read a couple of things by you now, and each time I'm amazed. You're a very talented writer. The only thing I can find to complain about (as a nit-picky, grammar freak, perfectionist) is that in the second sentence, "The little girl had just been tucked into bed by her elderly grandfather, that she wasn’t ready to sleep yet." I think you meant to say "but she wasn't ready to sleep yet." I don't know, the that just doesn't sound right.

Regardless, the piece is great. It starts out in such a way as to intrigue the reader with the story, without giving anything away that the little girl doesn't know. You get to experience the story with her. It also hints that there is a lesson to be learned, but it doesn't beat you over the head with it. In fact, you allude to it just enough that we know it's there, while still leaving enough out for each person to interpret it differently.

At this point, I'm just rambling. The bottom line is I enjoyed this short little story infinitely more than I could've hoped to when I first started reading it. Keep writing beautiful things!

lovely piece which requires a strong introduction to keep the reader in the story. Just a little sparkle of suspense needed.It gives an good example of whats happening in some of the countries in the world. At the same time leaving the reader to decide on what to become.