z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

An Impromptu Battle

by Dracula


Uther Pendragon sat on his throne, watching the two children demonstrate their new sword skills. On the left, gracefully swinging her wooden practice sword, was Morgana. She was the king’s ward, though he treated her like a daughter, and had long black hair and a pale complexion. The people of Camelot thought she was as beautiful and elegant as a princess, but Uther knew she had the strength to become a deadly warrior. On the right was his son, Arthur, the future crowned-prince. He had messy blonde hair, a strong build, and bright blue eyes. Though only twelve, Arthur was a skilled swordsman and held his weapon steadily at Morgana.

As the young girl lunged forward, thrusting her sword towards him, Arthur stepped to the side. A cloud moved in the sky, and a ray of light shone through the window, temporarily blinding Morgana. He used this to his advantage and flung his sword at her.

“Hit!” Uther declared as his son gently tapped her shoulder. Arthur was a proud little boy, though, and he let his guard down to celebrate.

“I got you!” He bragged, holding the wooden sword at his side. Morgana swung her weapon at his legs, not showing the same gentleness as her opponent, and knocked Arthur right off his feet!

“Hit!” Uther laughed, and Morgana smiled victoriously, never lowering her sword. Arthur wrapped his arms around his knees on the floor, sniffing.

“That’s not fair! I’d already won!”

“Come now, Arthur,” Uther stood from his throne, “and get up. A knight doesn’t sob when he’s knocked down.”

“He gets back up,” Morgana held her chin high, “and keeps fighting!” Arthur blushed at being made a fool in front of a girl, and promptly rose to his feet. A bruise was forming on his leg, but none the less he held the sword in a fighting stance.

“You’re not meant to hurt me,” Arthur complained, “I didn’t whack you!”

“You’re going to get whacked a lot when you’re older,” she smirked, “so get used to it!” Morgana jumped to her right, not even trying to hit him. This confused Arthur, and he stabbed his sword at her. She giggled, dodging each blow, and ran a circle around him. Arthur followed her, spinning on the spot, and tried to hit the moving target. He couldn’t though, Morgana was too quick.

“Remember what I told you,” Uther lowered himself back into the throne, judging his heir’s performance. Arthur stopped in his tracks, breathed deeply, and focussed on one spot in the room. He waited patiently, until Morgana was almost in his sight, and lunged forward.

She skidded to a halt, nearly running straight into his weapon. As Arthur swung towards her, she jumped back, narrowly missing his blow. Now he had the upper hand, and started swiping at the air around Morgana. She raised her arm, their wooden swords banging together. Morgana was nimble, but not as strong as her opponent. He thrust harder, pushing her towards the wall. Just before she was trapped, Morgana ducked down and shuffled out of the way. Arthur’s sword hit the stone wall, and he grunted in frustration.

“You won’t get me!” Morgana teased, straightening her posture. She was about to begin running again, but Arthur quickly swung around, his sword heading straight for the king’s ward. Morgana gasped and raised her weapon to block his strike, but he was too fast, and her sword was knocked out of her hand.

“Concede the battle, Morgana!” Arthur ordered, pointing his sword at her.

She rolled her eyes and said, “Fine, but only because I’m hungry!” Arthur grinned triumphantly, depositing his practice sword in a sheath on his belt. Morgana looked towards Uther, who clapped his gloved hands.

“Well done, the both of you.”

“But I won, father,” Arthur interrupted, feeling that only he deserved praise.

“You did very well, Arthur, but a good knight also knows when to admit defeat.”

“Can we go eat now?” Morgana asked, looking eagerly towards the open door. Uther nodded and motioned to an old woman who had been hiding amongst the shadows near the exit.

“Take them outdoors for a packed luncheon.” The woman curtsied at her king and walked out the doors to follow his order. Morgana and Arthur’s faces both brightened at the prospect of a well-earnt picnic. They followed her, giggling and jumping about. Really, they should have bowed to Uther before exiting, but he didn’t mind. The king was proud of his two children, and wished them a happy childhood before they had to experience the sorrows and hardships of governing a kingdom.


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624 Reviews


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Thu Nov 24, 2016 12:45 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Casanova the great bombards through the enemies, swinging left and right, invincible against the stories that oppose him... Last review!

Anyway, to start off with this will be short, as I do not read fan fics nor do I watch Merlin anymore(I'll get to it eventually)

The over all plot is decent, I'll give you that much. It's suspenseful, and dramatic. It does build up overtime instead of being too fast, and it doesn't go out too fast. It's kinda like a fire. You put your wood in the pit, you poor a little lighter fluid, and you drop your match. That's the first part. Then a big fire. That's your climatic point, or the heat of the drama/suspense. Then the fire slowly starts to die. That's the part where your story is about to end. Anyway, on to the next thing.
Your character description and dialogue is decent this time, so props for that. You don't have anyone that is sounding like a robot or like they're reading from a prompt card, so that is a good thing. And the next thing is you do really well in making your characters mean something like they're alive. They're realistic, so I'll give you that.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one. Last short story in the portfolio! Tag me if you need any more reviews.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




Dracula says...


Thank you for all the reviews!!!!



Casanova says...


No problem!



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Wed Nov 23, 2016 9:55 am
Mea wrote a review...



Oooh, more Merlin fanfiction! And Uther's being so niiiice why can't he be like that on the TV show? :( Time marches on...

Anyway, this was sweet and adorable and generally well-written. Personally, I'm surprised that Uther let Morgana practice with a sword at all as a kid, even a wooden one. I would have thought he'd be too over-protective and/or doesn't think a woman should learn swordplay. *But* I also think he might let her because it would make her able to defend herself, and I think that's something he'd want her to be able to do. So you could do that.

If I had to make a critique, it would be that this piece doesn't really have any conflict. I don't know how big of a deal this is, though - I know this is more of a slice-of-life piece, and it's meant to be sort of heartbreaking just by virtue of the fact that we as the reader know exactly how broken this little family is going to be in just a few short years, so seeing them playing happily like this is terribly bittersweet.

And I think you could heighten that even more. Maybe have Uther make an offhand comment about magic (and his lack of tolerance for it), or maybe have Morgana do something that the astute reader will realize is an early manifestation of her powers, but so that the others don't realize what it is - maybe a particularly agile twist or something? Basically, just include small things that reference the future, and twist your readers' heart that little bit more.

I think that's pretty much all I have for this one! You could tighten up some of the action parts, but overall this was very smooth. I'll be back again soon. :)




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Wed Nov 23, 2016 3:01 am
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey Dracula,

First Impressions: Well, it seems like a direct "fan-fic" of the television show "Merlin," which is mostly because it's the legend of Arthur, and you can only write it one way. Perhaps a bit overused, but your piece was written well enough that I enjoyed it, despite there not really being anything original about it.

Positives: Your style is simple and clean, very clean, which makes it refreshing to read. I don't have to think much to know what's going on. You pretty much give it to me.

There wasn't any specific part that I thought was stellar, which is to say that there wasn't any "golden-egg" for the piece.

I do like the fact that you've taken us back a few years into their childhood days, rather than just using some epic battle scenes from Arthur's days as king.

Negatives:

As the young girl lunged forward, thrusting her sword towards him, Arthur stepped to the side. A cloud moved in the sky, and a ray of light shone through the window, temporarily blinding Morgana. He used this to his advantage and flung his sword at her.


There are some places, such as the above quote, where the writing style seems a bit blocky. It flows, but too well, making it seem more like a step-by-step origami instruction book, versus a creative piece of writing.

Overall: Classic. Very classic. I'd love to see you work some magic and build the piece.

I give it:
ImageImageImage


Joseph Henry George





"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind