A/N: Not really a short story, just a follow-up scene for Timothy Sees Santa.
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Timmy’s dad pushed through the front door, his hands full with boxes of gingerbread biscuits and a carton of eggnog. Christa, Timmy’s mum, placed fourth empty glasses on the side table and went to help. The little boy fidgeted on the rug in front of the Christmas tree, eagerly awaiting a present.
“Where’d you manage to find all that?” Christa asked, taking the eggnog. It was Christmas Eve, and even Timmy knew that most shops were either closed or sold out of festive foods.
“Burgers, Bread ‘N Butter,” his dad said. That was the deli down the road. “Bless that old woman, she stocked up this morning, knowing there’d be last minute shoppers.”
“We’re lucky she was open, otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to leave for Santa.” Christa handed Timmy a glass of cold, spicy eggnog, which he eagerly took. The little boy couldn’t stop his hands shaking with excitement, and almost spilt some down his shirt as he drank.
“Steady, there, champ.” His dad tore open a box of gingerbread, and passed the biscuits around as the family settled down in front of the tree.
“Who wants to go first?” Christa looked at Timmy as she spoke; everyone knew that he had to open the first Christmas gift. It was a family tradition that on the Eve, they each picked one present from under the tree. Timmy shoved the food into his mouth, and raised a hand. His mother laughed, and handed him a big box. “Alright, open it up.”
The little boy lifted the lid, which was decorated with paper snowflakes, and let out a shocked gasp. Inside was a green pickup truck!
“But this is what I asked Santa for,” Timmy exclaimed, “and he hasn’t been yet!” He looked at the fourth glass, waiting to be filled with milk for Saint Nick, and an unopened box of gingerbread beside it.
“But that’s where you’re wrong,” his father quickly explained. “Santa knew this was what you wanted most, and he made a special delivery so you could have it early.”
“That’s right,” Christa added, “Santa made a special journey from the North Pole, just for you.”
“Wow!” Timmy beamed, cradling his shiny new pickup truck. He hadn’t thought that the man in red even did special deliveries. Timmy must have been very impressive and convincing when he’d sat on Santa’s lap and made his request. “This is awesome!” He was truly delighted to have that green vehicle, and felt honoured that Santa had travelled all the way from the North Pole just for him.
Christa dipped her gingerbread in eggnog and said, “You better leave an especially large pile of cookies for Santa tonight.”
Timmy nodded, excited to think of what else Saint Nick might bring him. “And some carrots for the reindeers, too!”
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hello, EverWinter I'm currye0.
I guess I'm here to give a review but I found myself enjoying your story, in the end, I agree that it's a bit anticlimactic it works to your favor having the parents almost uncomfortable with the inevitable that they will have to tell their son the truth of saint Nick. the topic of Santa is one that parents have to take on carefully. if you tell your kid too late he'll end up getting bullied. I love the use of a real world scenario where it is quite difficult to get what you need right before Christmas, but if you get lucky you might end up finding what you need. well I do like to keep things brief so I'll take my leave
Hey! EverWinter here to give you a review this fine evening.
So I think this story is really cute! You did a good job capturing the way parents act around their kids. But I think the innocence and wonder is lost a bit from Timmy.
"The little boy lifted the lid, which was decorated with paper snowflakes, and let out a shocked gasp. Inside was a green pickup truck!" So this line is kind of anticlimactic. It leaves the reader missing the excitement of Timmy getting this toy for Christmas, something he wanted enough to ask Santa for. There should really be more of a build up.
I'd also like to see more of doubt swirling in Timmy's mind before he accepts his parent's explanation of why he got this truck early. I mean, little kids are constantly bombarded by their peers and the media saying that Santa isn't real, and he just has to force himself to keep believing. Didn't you ever have to talk yourself through why Santa had to be real? I had to when I was little.
So I'd like to see more emotion from Timmy, but other than that, you did a great job and this story was adorable. Great job!
EverWinter
Hi there, I'm Joe.
So I looked for the story you mentioned at the start of this ("Timothy Sees Santa") and I couldn't actually find it on your profile, so I'm reading this as totally stand-alone.
Because of that, I feel like I'm missing a lot of context.
This story draws you in, certainly. You have great description and dialogue flow here, offering little lines of imagery that are vivid enough to give a clear vision and voice to the piece, but not so much that the scene is bogged down. That's something I legitimately admire. It's an effective balance you've struck here.
The biggest weakness I can spot is that there's not actually a story to follow, but I'm going to assume that's to do with the fact that this links to another piece which does have a plot. In all honesty, though, I think this would easily be turned into an effective short fiction if you made the content of the box something shocking. Trade the truck for something entirely unexpected, and you could quickly lend this very stereotypical Christmas scene a surreal or symbolic meaning. It wasn't your intention, I'm sure, but it's a fun idea I thought I'd throw your way.
You have a good handle on grammar and punctuation, so I didn't personally catch any technical errors.
If you link the story this is tied to, I'd be really interested to take a look at it. This is quality writing and I'd like to see more.
Congrats on NaNoWriMo, by the way!
If you look on the list to the right that says 'Related Items' you can find all my NaNoWriMo stuff there. Here's a direct link though: Timothy Sees Santa
It has to be a truck, that's what he asked for.