Tidal Wave

by Dracula

Published November 16, 2016

E - Everyone

In NaNoWriMo 2016

Matilda Karmer was sitting at her computer, watching the incoming tide from the window of her first floor. She was supposed to be marking History essays, that was her job, after all. But the way the waves lapped at the sand, and the way the setting sun reflected on the water… it was beautiful, like the sunset was creeping up to her doorstep. The school assignments could wait a little longer.

What happened next couldn’t wait though. Matilda shot from her seat and flew at the window, leaning into the sea breeze. As she craned her neck to see what had just plummeted into the ocean, a massive wave leapt up from the sandy beach and landed on her front lawn. Mist sprayed in her startled face, the scent of seaweed filling her nostrils, as she watched another wave begin to form, the water rolling into a tube.

She’d seen it for just a second before it disappeared into the water, but the mysterious object had been round and metal, and big. There were no plane routes in this area, and as she quickly glanced up, she saw nothing except clouds in the sky.

Matilda’s eyes darted back to the beach as she heard a loud rumble. It sounded like a giant’s belly rumbling, and then grew louder, as if the giant was stomping his great big feet on the earth, hunting for his next meal. The water swirled, the wave growing louder as the noise did. Matilda knew what was going to happen; the wave would keep rising, and it wouldn’t just hit her lawn this time.

“Mix!” She called to her tabby cat, who would be lounging in his usual spot; the couch downstairs. The comfy piece of furniture was only metres from the front door, which Matilda hadn’t locked. She could see it all play out in her mind, and felt the hair on her arms rise. The ferocious wave would crash into her house, water bursting through the door right at her best friend. His little lungs would fill with water, his body thrown around like a doll…

“Mix!” She shouted again, louder over the rumbling of the ocean. Matilda pushed herself away from the window, sprinting down the stairs. She froze at the first landing, eyes widening in shock. Mix was sitting behind the entrance, looking curiously at the rattling door handle. Matilda grabbed onto the stair-rail as the whole house started shaking. She saw Mix open his mouth, but couldn’t hear his meow over the thunderous roar.

Matilda was about to jump off the landing, straight to the floor below. She wanted to save her friend, she had to, but before she could move, the door burst flung inwards and a watery hell broke loose.

It felt like she was within a cinema, watching an action-packed movie in 3D. A blue wall had just exploded, and she was watching from a victim’s point of view, the glass and blue bricks flying towards her, larger and larger. The world was silenced, except for a high-pitched ring and the rapid beat of her heart. She saw a grey ball, Mix, being stirred amongst the water as it plummeted right for her.

When it hit, Matilda felt the air being sucked right out of her lungs. She felt like Atlas, like the entire earth had fallen on top of her. Her vision turned white, and the history teacher knew she was flying backwards though all her senses had ceased to function. She waited for impact, for her fragile form to be thrust against the hard wall. Nothing happened though, she felt nothing. Matilda just existed, in a white space, floating in a realm of nothingness.

Then her senses returned. Her vision came first. She was in a hospital room, with lights flashing on a screen not far from her pillow. Then her sense of smell. It was so normal; the room smelt clean, with a hint of chicken soup. She hadn’t been fed any soup though, because next she could taste, recognising the bitterness of medicine. Then her hearing returned, a beep beep beep filling her ears. There was something else though; it was quiet, but she could hear purring. Mix. Finally Matilda could feel again, and she felt something soft against her side. She craned her neck to look, and there was Mix, laying beside her, kneading her thigh. He looked happy, but more importantly he was alive.

Suddenly, a radio sputtered to life somewhere in the room. Victims at this time… meteorologists are yet to est… Matilda remembered the massive wave which had plummeted into her home, and the frightening moments before she was knocked unconscious. She also thought of the object which had fallen from the sky; the round, metal mystery which had caused it all. As Matilda listened to the radio, her mind was flooded with possibilities, crazy ideas as to what the ball was. But, as Mix massaged her leg, Matilda realised she didn’t care; she was just grateful to be alive.

Witnesses report seeing a metallic orb falling from the sky. Though scientists are skeptical, the public appear convinced that it was an alien craft crash-landing on earth.

Comments & reviews · 4
charlottejoness wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2017

I really enjoyed reading this, it was very imaginative and very unique which made it very interesting. I didn't see many spelling/grammar mistakes which is great! The character's emotions of shock and sense of desperation came across to me clearly.
I'm still very curious about the object that fell to the ground, if you had have added more detail to this the reader would have had a greater feel as to what it looked, sounded, moved like etc.

Thank you for the great read, I'd love to read more of your stories :)

User avatar
Megrim
Review
Megrim wrote a review Review · Nov 27, 2016

Wow! This one's pretty intense!

This one draws me more towards prose technique as opposed to content, because I think the content is pretty solid. To recall back to my other reviews, here's a bit on why it works:
- What does the character want? To save her cat.
- What's stopping her? The tidal wave hits too soon.
- What choice does she have to make? Get out or save the cat.
- What happens if she fails? She'll lose her best friend!

Stakes and consequences. Hey, they're not earth-shattering, but intensely personal stakes are often the best kind. Everyone reading this is imagining it as THEIR cat, and what THEY would do. And oh thank goodness the cat is still alive! We have something to root for as the story progresses.

So, that said, onto prose.

One comment is in a similar vein to the mixed messages I felt from the vampire one. I think it's just what you choose for metaphors and analogies--be careful with the language you use, because there are unintended tone implications. In particular, this line:

It felt like she was within a cinema, watching an action-packed movie in 3D.


That's pretty hard to take seriously. It's the kind of line you'd use in a humor or satire story. So that makes me pause and wonder if you meant this to be a humor or satire story. Consider that a real person in this situation is NOT thinking that. That isn't a bad way to describe it, as I think it conveys what you the author are picturing. However, like I said--unintended tone consequences. Since we're experiencing this all through the POV of the character, it's pretty jarring to be in a life-or-death situation and get a lighthearted thought in the middle of the house exploding and the water rushing in.

That's a fairly minor point. The big thing I think will help is being more aware of filter verbs.

To wit:
...watching the incoming tide from the window of her first floor.

As she craned her neck to see what had just plummeted into the ocean,

She’d seen it for just a second before it disappeared into the water

...she saw nothing except clouds in the sky.

Matilda’s eyes darted back to the beach as she heard a loud rumble.

It sounded like a giant’s belly rumbling

Matilda knew what was going to happen

I'll stop there, but you get the idea. I may or may not have written a YWS article about this.

Two other smaller points.

1. Be careful to avoid body parts doing things. Such as her eyes darting to something or her pupils widening. Especially since this is a deep POV, she can't actually see those things happening and wouldn't be thinking them. The narrative is better served focusing on what the *character* is focused on. Eg she doesn't think about her eyes darting to something, the thing that is her focus CAUSES her eyes to dart, because her attention is there. The renowned puppetry episode of Writing Excuses mentions this principle by making the analogy with how puppeteers use "focus" with their puppets.

2. Also be careful about cause and effect. I noticed it around here in particular:

What happened next couldn’t wait though. Matilda shot from her seat and flew at the window, leaning into the sea breeze.


There's actually a lot of words in the way of her calmly grading papers and ZOMG TIDAL WAVE. The reader doesn't get that moment of CRACK WHHHHZZZSH POW SPLASH as the thing falls and crashes. We only get it after the fact, delayed, from a distance, through a filter--when the MC comments on it. So it's more dry and clinical, as opposed to in your face happening right this second oh my god what just happened.

Okay this is turning into a long one! I still have a zillion tabs open so I shall move on. :)

User avatar
Casanova
Review
Casanova wrote a review Review · Nov 21, 2016

Heya, Dracula! Casanova here to do a review! I normally don't do short stories, but I think I can give this one a shot.

The first thing I want to say about this is the length. It's rather short. I know it's a short story, but I thought it would be longer.

Okay, so. I know the objective of a short story is letting the story unfold in a short period of time. But the way this one unfolded felt more like a novel chapter. It's like.. This obviously isn't the end of it, and it seems like you should continue it. I would suggest it, if you wanted to. I think this would be an interesting novel.

Over all you don't have but two things of dialogue, so I really appreciate that. I'm a fan of story telling through little dialogue, so that style is preferred.

You don't have anything actually wrong with your paragraph, so props for that. No grammatical errors that I could tell, nothing too bad.

And although you do unfold the regular story rather fast, you leave a lot of questions unanswered.

Oh, one thing I did notice grammar wise.

It sounded like a giant’s belly rumbling, and then grew louder, as if the giant was stomping his great big feet on the earth, hunting for his next meal.


This sentence bugs me. For one,"giant's," should be,"giants'," and here's the other thing- it can be shortened. Take this for example-

"It sounded like a giants' belly rumbling. It then grew louder as if the giant was stomping his big feet on the earth; as if hunting for his next meal."

I think this cleans it up. But it's your decision.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say about this one. I hope this helped, even a little!

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on!

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.

User avatar
Joelsweet
Review
Joelsweet wrote a review Review · Nov 18, 2016

Interesting concept. You executed it pretty well, although I feel like you could have included more about the main character. Little quirks that she has and such. What is her family like? What is her house like? Why does she worry more about her cat than her family? Are they not home? Does she not have any? Also, you misused your commas in several places, I noticed. Although I'm glad her cat is okay, I'm also a little confused as to why it's at the hospital with her. I don't think they allow animals. And what about her family? Why are they not there? I also felt that you could have expanded this a bit more, but that's just me.
In conclusion, while it has some problems, it is an interesting concept, and I'm curious about the object that fell.

Thanks,
Joelsweet
Ps, I'm by no means a professional, haha



Maybe I should say something quote-worthy, like, I dunno... "You can only be happy if you decide to be happy?"
— Necromancer14