The Lion Guard

by Dracula

Published November 7, 2016

E - Everyone

In NaNoWriMo 2016

It was mid-afternoon, the perfect time for a robbery, in Kyle’s opinion. Everyone expected thieves to come at night, not whilst the sun was at its brightest. But after years of daylight robbery, Kyle knew better. He wore normal clothes; checkered shirt and jeans. To the world, he was a boring antique dealer. So boring that no one would ever pause to wonder where he sourced his treasures.

Kyle casually approached the property so that anyone driving by would think he was a visitor. And, if statistics were on his side, the residents would either be out, or inside and not paying attention to the front of the house.

The house in question was an old, stone-brick cottage. It was beautifully kept, with freshly painted cream windows and a red roof. The front garden boasted lush, green trees, and a white picket fence paraded around its perimeter. The driveway, though, was enclosed by a tall, iron gate with spikes. It didn’t belong with the property. It looked like it had been plucked from a haunted mansion. On either side of the gate was a life-size lion statue. The creatures sat boldly, guarding the house.

They couldn’t guard it against Kyle, though. He didn’t exactly know what he was going to steal, but he’d heard the most marvelous and mysterious stories about the people who lived inside the house. They sounded exactly like the sort who would own foreign, expensive antiques. His plan was to break into the front room, take whatever was there, and then leave right away with his loot. No one would suspect a thing.

As Kyle neared the iron gates and eyed the house for movement, he reached a hand towards the closest lion, intending to pat its pale stone head. But, as his hand made contact with the creature, he felt warmth. He felt fur. Kyle jumped back in surprise and found himself looking at a fully grown, very much alive, African lion. Its beautiful golden mane swayed in the breeze and its muzzle shook slightly as the big cat sniffed the air. Its big blue eyes found Kyle’s and the creature pushed up on its hind legs so it was no longer sitting, but standing.

Kyle’s heart raced. The lion was almost as tall as he was, and far more intimidating! He heard a deep growl emit from the animal’s throat and its tail whipped the air. The thief stepped backwards, but his arm brushed against more fur... the other lion! It was pacing back and forth behind him. Together, the pair had Kyle trapped. Beads of sweat began dripping from the tip of his nose, and the lions licked their lips, delighted by the fresh human scent, anticipating their next meal.

The first lion tilted its head menacingly to the side, then raised its jaw and opened its hulking mouth. The lion’s sharp teeth made Kyle whimper with fear, and he staggered on the spot as a thunderous, bellowing roar filled his ears. The earth seemed to shake as the king of the jungle spoke. Kyle froze, feeling the second lion brush past him. It stood by its partner, creating a crescendo as it opened its own massive jaws.

“Sleep, my children!” The world stopped and the lions’ roars died as Kyle heard the shout of a stranger. A man was standing beyond the iron gates, wearing a cult-like brown robe with ancient runes stitched on its hem. His beard was long and grey, and he spoke with an otherworldly power. Kyle looked back at the frightening creatures. They were stone. Blood no longer coarsed through the lions. They had returned to their original state. Kyle found himself wondering if they had ever been real; had he imagined it all? But no- the sweat on his brow was real, and the rapid beat of his heart was no illusion.

“You came here with ill intentions.” The bearded man looked directly at Kyle and his golden eyes burned a warning right into his soul. “You will leave in peace, and never return.”

Kyle took one last look at the statues, those powerful beasts, and imagined their sharp fangs piercing his flesh. Kyle heeded the man’s words. If he had to pick between going to an antique auction empty-handed or handless, he’d choose the former.

Not wasting a second, Kyle swung on his heels and ran down the road. The tall iron gates disappeared from his view, never to return.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Megrim
Review
Megrim wrote a review Review · Nov 27, 2016

This one is a cute story, and I really like the lions (that's what I was expecting to happen, too). I guess my only complaint is that I don't care/like the MC--he seems like simply a device through which we get to see everything that happens. He does have some personality to him, but it seems kind of one-dimensional. I would love to see him humanized a bit further, with some extra depth and complexity to make him a creature of more shades of grey. Maybe a motive beyond greed? Especially since this is a deep POV, I think it would be nice to have a protag who's unique and memorable, even if he's not necessarily likable. I personally prefer likable, but again, that's a matter of taste.

User avatar
Casanova
Review
Casanova wrote a review Review · Nov 23, 2016

Heya, Dracula! Casanova here to do a review!

Alright, so the first thing I noticed was this sentence-

Everyone expected thieves to come at night, not whilst the sun was at its brightest, but Kyle knew better.


This felt really weird to read. I would suggest making the first two parts and the last part two different sentences, because when I read this it felt extremely weird.

On either side of the gate was a life-size lion statue, the creatures sitting boldly, guarding the house.


This, too, I felt could have been made into two separate sentences. I would suggest doing so, but it's up to you.

Anyway, the first thing I wanted to say was this didn't seem like a short story. This seemed like the beginning of a short story where you could have extended the plot out a lot further. There's basically nothing here, except a man wanting to steal something and a fake lion turning into a real one. That's all I'm grasping from this. There isn't really a climatic point, and there's basically nothing to keep my attention focused on it.

In your character description you really don't have much. All we know about Kyle is that he's there to steal something, and that he thinks he's being clever by trying to steal something in the middle of the day. He seems to be a rather simple character, with rather simple reactions and things of the like.

I would suggest spicing this up a bit, overall it just seems bland and tasteless.

That's all I have. Hope this helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

User avatar
Costa
Review
Costa wrote a review Review · Nov 7, 2016

Heh, are you sure this is meant as a short story? I feel like it could make for something longer than that!

Regardless, I like what you did here: keeping the plot contained to this lone scene and just focusing on making it stand on its own. More often than not, I see short stories that are spread too thin between various different bits. That usually ends with them not being memorable at all.

Your descriptions were on point and painted a very clear picture. As CC below said, I also approve of the short but sweet contrast between the overall home and the gateway to it. The way you talked about the lions, their movements, certainly sold me on the threat they presented.

I've half a mind to say that Kyle's reaction to the lions seems a bit superficial in its description... But, on the other hand, since this is a short story, there hasn't been a lot of room to make us care about him.

If you do as CC suggested and expand on building his character before it all goes down, then you COULD provide a closer insight into his mind. Without, any deeper, inward reaction you try to wring out from Kyle would strike me as a bit weightless.
If this is truly a one-time story, then I think sticking to his superficial reactions is the better call.


Oh, and that wizard is certainly nonchalant about using his magic stuff, huh? I give him half and hour before about five videos of this stunt show up on Youtube.

User avatar
aether
Review
aether wrote a review Review · Nov 7, 2016

Hiya! Coffee coming at you with a review :3


It was mid-afternoon; the perfect time for a robbery, in Kyle’s opinion.


Great opening. Immediately sets the stage of when, what, who.

You did a nice job contrasting the description of the house with the foreboding driveway in the second paragraph.

and its tail whipped the air threateningly.


Ooh, I like this. The imagery is strong with this one.

The thief stepped backwards, but his arm brushed against more fur: the other lion!


This is a well-written sentence. It’s good how you substitute ‘Kyle’ with ‘The thief’ here to give the story variety and keep it interesting. You’ve captured the character’s perspective splendidly.

Its sharp teeth made Kyle whimper with fear,


Haha yes!


Overall:

The story is lovely in its fairly simplistic plot and characters, almost as if I was watching a dream play out. You spelling, grammar and paragraphing was all spot on. I couldn’t see any sentences or words that needed changing.

The only constructive feedback I could give you for this is to maybe include a brief backstory and/or clearer reason as to why Kyle wanted to rob the house in the first place. This will help the reader connect with the character and be more compelled to know what happens to him.

Great read! Keep writing that awesome stuff.



Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus