Amanda Pritchet and her lifelong best friend, Becca, were sitting on the red carpet outside cinema one, third and fourth in line to see the most anticipated sci-fi movie of the year, right at the second it was unleashed to the world. They were at the midnight screening; two people amongst hundreds eagerly waiting to see what would happen to the citizens of Planet B after the previous movie had ended with its explosion.
The girls had 2D tickets, and looked vengefully across at the fans outside cinema two, wearing dorky 3D glasses that were eight sizes too big for some and three sizes too small for others. Amanda and Becca would have seen the movie in the third dimension, but tickets were too expensive when you considered that they were teenagers without any income. Others shared their financial difficulties; the 3D line was substantially smaller than the 2D one.
“Two minutes!” Amanda checked her watch, counting down the seconds to when the doors would open and allow them to sit before the big screen. 3D or not, they felt honoured and deliriously excited to be there, alongside people wearing cloaks and snouts and alien helmets.
“If Sadie dies I’m gonna cry,” Becca said, her white knuckles holding onto a box of buttery popcorn. Her words were met with the nods and murmurs of three or so others in line, who couldn’t help but overhear, they were packed so tightly together. The line went all the way down to cinema ten; but it wasn’t a problem, since no other movies were being shown. All these hundreds of sci-fi nerds had come for one reason, and when the doors clicked open, all hell broke loose.
Well, not really. Amanda and Becca knew that the fans of the franchise were very kind and clever people, but everyone was in such a rush that they were almost knocked to the ground and trampled in the stampede.
“Come on, Becca!” Amanda pulled her friend behind her, who was trying to avoid dropping any popcorn. They pushed and shoved, ran and jumped, and the third and fourth in line ended up being tenth and eleventh to get inside. That didn’t matter, though, they still got their favourite seats, right up the back in the middle. Most people hated the back (what was the point of being at a cinema if you don’t seat up front?) but the girls loved it. They could see the whole screen from back there; they could focus on everything at once without having to constantly turn their heads.
“Oh my goodness!” Becca shrieked as she positioned her popcorn beside her. “This is actually happening!” Amanda settled into the seat beside her, she yawned but felt as alive as ever. The cinema filled up quickly, each red chair being taken by an eager sci-fi nerd. The two friends stared at the big, white screen, anticipating the movie which would be projected onto it… any second now…
But nothing happened. Becca and Amanda sat there, just watching a white void, for what felt like hours. It was only ten minutes really, but that was long enough to cause murmurs and worried whispers to echo through the cinema. Amanda checked her watch, and her heart beat quickened.
“Becca, it says five past twelve,” she declared, face pale.
“What?” Her friend’s eyes widened. This meant that they weren’t the first anymore, they had missed the midnight start. All over the country, fans would be watching the film right this minute. They would be finding out what happened to all those on Planet B. They would know whether Suzie survived the explosion. They would know. And the people in cinema one were completely oblivious.
The person sitting beside Amanda jumped up from her seat, as many others were doing. They all looked left and right, up and down, towards the exit and towards the screen. The fans were helpless, they didn’t know what to do; if only the sheer will of wanting the film to play would make some sort of picture appear on the screen. Anything.
“We’ve missed it.” Amanda moaned. She pulled at her hair, thinking of all those lucky people in cinema two who were no doubt watching the film, seeing the characters leaping towards them, feeling as if they were actually on Planet B. If Planet B still existed; she didn’t know. “We should’ve raided our parents’ wallets and seen it in 3D.”
“It’s too late now,” Becca sighed, stuffing an emotional handful of popcorn into her mouth. She chewed slowly- jaw up, jaw down- it was all she could do to avoid bursting into tears. The girls hadn’t seen the film at midnight, they had failed as fans. Their cinema companions shared the same feelings; they cried and wailed, growled and shouted curses at the cinema people.
Then everyone went silent, and Becca stopped chewing. Amanda shuffled in her seat, following everyone’s eyes; they were looking at a man who stood in the exit. He was a cinema employee, and held a big cardboard box.
“I’m so sorry, everyone, but we’re having trouble getting to the 2D session started,” he said, placing the box on the ground at his feet. Someone shouted at him, something Amanda’s mum would have grounded her ten times over for saying. That’s how frustrated and disappointed everyone was. “I know,” the man looked sympathetic, “and we will provide full refunds for everyone after the movie.”
“What movie?!” Someone yelled.
“The 3D session has not yet started,” he explained, “the advertisements are still playing.” He knelt down and started prying open the cardboard box. The man emerged with a pair of those dorky 3D glasses and waved it in the air for everyone to see. “We invite you all, free of charge, to move to cinema two. We have added extra seats on the ends of the rows, and there will be adequate room for you all so long as children can sit on their parents’ laps.”
Someone started cheering, and everyone in cinema one quickly joined in. Amanda fist-pumped the air, and Becca attempted the same, accidentally flinging up her box of popcorn. She didn’t even care as the buttery clouds rained down on her; they were going to see the film. They were going to find out the fate of Planet B, the destiny of Suzie. They were going to be amongst their fellow fans, and the glasses-wearing dorks who had so kindly made room for them in cinema two. And they were going to see the film in 3D, free of charge! They were going to see the characters leaping towards them, were going to feel as if they were actually on Planet B.
“This is going to be amazing!” Amanda squealed as she and Becca accepted the dorky glasses, and triumphantly ran across to cinema two.
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Hello, Remington38 here, pleasure to meet you.
Honestly, I thought this was the cutest story ever. I was honestly picturing myself in place of the charactor the whole time. I am that dork waiting in line for the science fiction movie, I really loved how relatable you made it. Teenagers being dorky, lacking in money, and going to the movies. I felt for this charactor a lot, I felt dissapointed when they were, then really excited when they got to go to the 3D showing. You are an extraordinary writer, and I honestly want to read more of what you have written.
Hi again! I'll be hitting these kind of at random because I opened up a whole bunch in new tabs and now have no idea what order they were in
I'm feeling more like a content focus than a prose focus today, so you'll notice I haven't slowed myself down to talk about in-line stuff.
For this one, I had a broad impression of: Why?
More specifically, what makes this a story. I kept expecting something big or unexpected to happen. Some huge wrench in the works. But it actually ended up being very straightforward. The characters had a brief moment of worry, which TBH didn't carry a whole ton of tension for me, and then ended up being rewarded with what they always wanted anyway.
I think the big things this lacks as a story are
- Stakes
- Change
- Conflict
I've recently had some discussions with my flash-fiction-savvy friends and apparently when you're working in short form fiction, it can get a bit blurry about what makes a story or doesn't. Sometimes we end up vignettes like this--a glimpse into a character's daily life (which may be ordinary or extraordinary). But what really makes a proper story is growth and change. And what makes interesting fiction is high stakes and conflict. So to go back to basics: What does the character want, and what's stopping them from getting it? What CHOICE do they have to make--and what consequences are there if they succeed or fail?
As I'm typing this, I've quite decided--choice and consequences, that's where the issue is. Which, really, is just another way of saying stakes.
Whether you want to apply this to THIS story, or just keep it in mind for the future, is up to you. Personally if it were my story I'd just move on (that's the nice thing about short fiction; keep writing it and writing it and throw out the duds). If you do want to revise this into something more engaging, I'd suggest reworking the premise. I think we need a bit more than "they don't get to see the movie" as stakes. And if they are going to get the payoff of seeing it in 3D, I'd like to feel really satisfied about that--I'd like them to have to work for it, or face some kind of conflict, and then the payoff is like a release and a reward. Currently, the MC's are pretty passive, and the story just happens to them. I think that's the main way to make it more interesting--make them make choices, and make those choices have consequences.
Heya, Dracula! Casanova here to do another review of another short story! Let's get to the review!
First off I'd like to say I liked this. The plot is a bit more dense than the other short story I read of yours- but what can you expect from a movie night? I mean, you took that idea to its potential so I give you props for that. A couple things I'd like to point out-
Paragraph breaking. You know, where you break a paragraph at two different ideas, thoughts, and when you're adding dialogue. It's simple to look over. Here's an example-
I would suggest breaking this at the last line, like this-
"“We’ve missed it.” Amanda moaned. She pulled at her hair, thinking of all those lucky people in cinema two who were no doubt watching the film, seeing the characters leaping towards them, feeling as if they were actually on Planet B. If Planet B still existed; she didn’t know.
“We should’ve raided our parents’ wallets and seen it in 3D.”
Also, I would suggest rephrasing that sentence. It's a little long, and doesn't feel natural. I would suggest trying something like-
"We've missed it,"Amanda moaned. She pulled at her hair thinking of all those lucky people in cinema two. They were no doubt watching the film, seeing the characters leaping towards them and feeling as if they were actually on Planet B. If Planet B still existed."
I think doing that really helps it, and fixes the natural part of it.
Anyway, overall I think you portrayed what you wanted to well, and took this idea to its potential. Again, props. That's all I have to say on this on. Keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.