Onward we go! And I bet after the last few, you're expecting me to say how not a story this is, but in fact, I think it fulfills my criteria. The character has to make a "choice" when she encounters the baby birds. She also experiences some growth and change, because she meets the elderly lady. There are very small stakes and the "tension" could be brought out more, but there are tiny wisps of it. Where, for example, the movies and the duck race seem like you'd need to go back to the drawing board in order to bend them around to fit what I'll call my "story criteria"; on the other hand, this one I think just needs fleshing out and tweaking but fundamentally makes a charming story.
I think part of the issue is you have a lot of fluff cluttering up the narrative. Past perfect tense always rings alarm bells for me. My rule of thumb is that you really shouldn't be in past perfect tense for the first two or three chapters in a novel, and either not at all in a shortstory/flash or only for a sentence or two at a time. Also, there's a fair amount of, how should I call it, inessential words? Redundancy? Meandering narrative?
I'll hone in on some specific examples and then leave it to you to extrapolate, because I think that will be easier.
Christa had just veered off the main street and was now walking along the nature trail; a muddy dirt track which weaved between old stone cottages and massive pine trees, every now and then meeting the river.
She loved the walk, it calmed her mind after a stressful day at work and the birds always greeted her with their tunes. But today, there was silence. Something was off; not even the trees were swaying, and there wasn’t a bird call to be heard.
Christa spun slowly, looking in all directions for signs of wildlife… or any life, for that matter. The cottages all had curtains drawn and doors shut, as if their inhabitants had also sensed the sinister feeling in the air.
Her eye caught movement a little further down the dirt path, and what Christa saw devastated her: Laying on the earth were the corpses of two baby birds. They looked days old, with no feathers and dark skin that clung tight to their fragile forms.
If I were writing this, I would do all this in one or maybe two paragraphs. I also just realized I was probably getting at "show vs tell"--there's a lot of telling where you could be showing. For example, that second paragraph is very telly. Then, as I was talking about redundancy, that third paragraph doesn't ADD a lot.
Not that you should write it this way, but here's my quickie re-write so you can get a sense what I'm talking about:
Christa balanced along the edge of the familiar muddy track of the nature trail. She inhaled the quiet, crisp air of early spring and let go of her thoughts, gaze wandering lazily over the old stone cottages and tall pines. The gurgle of the river was the only sound.
She paused. The forest was silent. Even the trees stood stark and still. A cloud passed over the sun, and the shadows deepened in the gray haze of the forest.
Movement caught her eye. She tiptoed further down the dirt path, and her heart dropped. Laying on the earth were the corpses of two baby birds. They looked days old, with no feathers, and dark skin that clung to their fragile forms.
Okay, I ended up doing three paragraphs actually, because I felt it was appropriate to put a break before the pause and before the movement for dramatic reasons. I guess my version isn't a whole ton shorter than yours (though it *is* shorter). I think the bigger difference is the showing rather than telling. I also tried to engage a few more senses. But for instance, instead of saying that what she saw devastated her, I had her heart drop, which is more visceral and personal. Instead of saying the forest soothed her mind, I tried to describe it in a relaxed and soothing way.
The same principle could be applied to the elderly woman and the scene with her as well.
But yeah, flesh out, make the lady her own character.
Points: 23295
Reviews: 264
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