Snowball
Dedicated to my pal I grew up with. He always protected us. ~To Blizzard.
As a ball of fluff he pads happily,
One paw after the other
Wondering where we're going
Panting his tongue off at Dad's side
As a white furball he jumps
His tongue hangs out
His eyes glitter with joy
As he serves his masters,
(Particularly Dad)
Loyal,
Always.
That never wavered.
He grows
And grows
And he’s still man’s knee height.
Still taking off into the sky for a short flight
Taking a brisk, warm journey around the block.
But life's senses are no longer felt
The pallet severely weakened.
His chewing mechanisms ached and creaked.
Skin pulled thin- grooming too painful
His brain forgetting every day things
Losing memories
Even though I know his love never left.
In the end, it is decided he must leave
Is served one last meal
Of decadent roasted meat, a big hunk
Brown and juicy.
He could no longer romp around
No longer take flight
His words not understood
Walking off he stood without sounds,
Afraid
Until mom showed up
Relief flooded his eyes
His taut snout relaxed.
As he ran in the snow one last time,
Blending in with the icy, crystalized blanket of cold
The happiness returned one last time.
His friend,
(And bully)
Mourned
She did not understand either.
But he did not fall
To me
I think we rescued him from a more despairing fate.
He left with a happiness
He has now passed our realm
And joined his significant others
I miss you, old friend.
~Not a creature, but family.
Not spoiled, but loved.
A friend to me through all of the difficult times.
Surely mourning him is not the thing he desires?~Another Truth
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Ok, I'm going to attempt to write a review on this beautiful and emotional poem. Hannah gave you wonderful advice that I would not have even thought of before, so try and do what she says, if you can. I do love how you repeat the first word of each line several times in a row. Only the two pairs of "But's" are a little awkward. Oops double meaning there!
I love this poem so much. I can picture Blizzard doing everything you spoke of in your poem: romping in the snow, being Daddy's boy, and receiving his final meal. There is just so much emotion in this poem, and that's what makes it so wonderful. It's sad, true, but a good sad. It's a sadness that helps you remember your little guy as a joyful puppy growing, growing. It summarizes his entire life from a tiny snowball to a full-grown dog. And it also sums up your life, in a way, since you had grown up with him. Excellent job!
~Wolfie
Hi there Cynder! Niteowl here to review for a fellow Ultramarine this fine Review Day!
Overall, I like the images you give us about your lost dog. It gives the piece an emotional touch . As I've lost a cat and a dog, I can definitely relate.
My first critique would be about the punctuation. I don't know why you have, a comma at the end, of every single line, but it is really annoying, and not necessary. I usually punctuate my poems the same way I would prose. If you're having trouble with that, I suggest laying out the line in a paragraph form and figuring out where the punctuation would be.
Secondly, I think you have a lot of repetition in this poem. Some of that works, and some doesn't. The repetition I do like is the repeating of the opening image. It shows that he's in a better place where he can still do those things.
The repetition I think could be smoothed out is the constant repetition of simple words and sentence structures. A lot of your sentences begin the same way, which is a little boring. I recommend using the same starter once in a row. For example instead of
But he no longer hears,
But he no longer chews.
It would be smoother as
But he no longer hears,
No longer chews.
When repeating, focus on your most interesting words and images.
I also think Hannah has some great advice about making your images even better!
Overall, this was a sweet poem. Keep writing?
Nooo. ;_;
Ah, the pain of losing an animal companion is so bad, especially when you grew up with them, when they supported you through hard times in your life. When you can't ever know for sure that they knew how much you loved and appreciated them. Haha -- this is a topic that I think a lot of people are very familiar with.
And it is for that reason that I would suggest getting out a microscope and pulling in real close to your experience with Blizzard (Snowball?). We know the generals. We know how it feels when your old pet cannot do the things it once did, and we know he's passed, and we know he's missed.
Can you evoke those emotions and ideas without saying them outright? Can you pull in closer to the images of this dog (?) in the snow -- the jumping? Can you show us everything about this moment -- how did the sun shine on the snow? Was it cold or just brisk? Where did the snow get on Blizzard? Nose, just paws? Did he roll in it and it was all over his back? Were there icicles by his mouth?
Build up the moment really clearly so that the reader can also fall in love with Blizzard. When we also feel that emotion, we will then also be devastated and reminded of devastation when you reveal, maybe through fading images, that he is gone -- the point that he is dead and this is a poem in remembrance.
I hope this makes sense to you! If you need to talk about it more, PM me or reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing, and I'm sorry for your loss!
Hannah
You are soo right. Even the others agreed. Thank you, really. If you could PM me any specific examples I would be very grateful, if you'd let me tap into your knowledge some more.
Well, maybe start by answering the questions from the review -- that might help you get a good specific starting place -- Blizzard in the snow. After that, if you want to talk about it more, if you want more specific questions, I can help you try to think about those!
I'm glad I could be helpful~ PM me ANY time!
Hi, I hope you don't mind me making a review in this poem. Don't worry, I'm not doing it for the points. Just to start off, I would like to describe how sad and deep this poem is. We lose the people and pets that are important to us and that have always protected us. I can tell that you're talking about a pet, and I think it's a dog. I think all dogs protect their families, and it's said how our dogs would die due to any kind of cause.
Anyways, not only that this is a deep and sad poem, but it's very good too. So keep writing until the very end, Cynder!
Oh my goodness.
As you know, I'm not a particularly emotional person, but this poem about Blizzard made me cry. I will try and review it later... but that's going to be hard because it's:
Excellent. Beautiful. Perfect.
The review will be full of praise, then!
Wow.
I wouldn't be surprised if this became a featured work soon!