We all know the language
Rooted in His twisted Bible;
We all know His words
As they are our own.
This is no religion--
Just waiting time before His hand is the play,
Made of the Seven Sins-
Only seven cards to flay-
He collects our darkness in a bin
None try to pray
For none can ever win.
That Devil's darkness surrounds you
Dread drapes over like a cloud
The only thing to do
Is watch as you are covered in the suffocating shroud.
The sea of dark, billowy masses
block out the rays of light,
Your chance to escape,
The hope to fight.
Here comes dawn,
But nothings changed
The nightmares continue on.
Hopelessly you wander
Trying to think your way out
All you can do is ponder
While lost in His pouts.
Drown! is His final command
You begin to sink again-
A reprimand-
A life evaporating drain.
~~~~~~~~~
Breathe His smoke-
He is no joke,
But you shant die
You cannot lie
You cannot free from the wrought-iron clasp
Only suffer in His grasp.
Try as you might
This is too strong a blight.
Never give in to falter
Or ready to succomb to Devil's altar
A sacrifice to His grace
No hem of lace
A bride to be
As is His cree
A vow of solemn glee.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi there,
Firstly this is a great poem, its exciting with a sinister element to it, I love how you have crafted the subject of good and evil and turning Satan into a metaphor, its very powerful.
I like how quick the pace is, it suits the concept of the poem however you need more punctuation. There's a significant lack of pauses throughout so I suggest reading it aloud and add commons, semicolons, full stops when you feel there should be a pause. Otherwise its easy for the reader to get lost in what you're saying; its great that it has a quick pace but it needs more punctuation for it to not sound confused or rushed.
Also maybe break it into three stanzas, the second being after the line "For none can win" just because this will help improve the overall structure and flow
This is just a suggestion but maybe change "or you'll be at the alter" to "all you'll be at Devil's alter" this is one of my favourite lines already but I think this version would be even more striking, because it has that contrasting tone of 'devil' and 'alter' - which could relate to the idea of evil and love/good and evil being connected. But that's just an idea.
Your underlining message was clear and well developed, you wording was effective and dramatic. I was mostly just focusing on the grammatical problems because the rest is pretty perfect.
Keep writing,
~*Annapurna*~
Oh very clever, very clever indeed. Cynder, this is a very well wrought poem. Okay, I will start with grammar and proceed to ooze praises about the cleverness of this poem!
Okay, so grammar.
Throughout the entire poem, I spy one period at the very end. I'm not sure if it was intended to be this way or what, but commas and periods make it easier to tell stanzas and rhyme scheme and all that fun stuff, so I would highly recommend putting those in.
"Only seven cards used to flay" - for this line I would omit the word "used" to make it sound a little more smooth and flowing.
"He collects the darkness into a bin" - I would change this line into, "He collects the darkness in a bin," once again just to help with the fluid movement of the poem.
The line, "None pray" seems abnormally short in the middle of the first stanza, I would add something to lengthen it, once again, to help with a smoother reading of the poem.
This line, "You cannot free from his clasp" doesn't really make sense to me, in a grammatical sense. Is it supposed to be, "You cannot be freed from his clasp" or something similar? Please, correct me if I am wrong about any of these.
Okay, once again, I am sorry if this seemed to picky, just drop me a line if you think it is, I'm trying to make my reviews as helpful as possible, so i could use the feedback on whether this helps at all. Anyway, here comes the oozing compliments at the success of this poem. As a Christian, it can only seem to me this poem is representing Satan, which is kind of showed considering this poem was also filed away under spiritual. The line, "His hand made up of seven sins, but seven cards used to flay" also suggests Satan because the Bible talks about the number seven often, and you also mention the bible in this poem. The line, "A vow of solemn glee" also suggests a demonic figure, even if it is not actually representing Satan. I don't know why, it just seems like that. I would love to continue to write more, but I have to go write some other reviews, so kudos for such a good work!
Thanks! I wanted to inspire the element of Satan, but I didn't want to outwardly write it and offend someone who read my work. Besides, everyone's depression has a different name. Your review was pretty helpful, and for the record, it's the author's choice on whether or no they take your advice. So just say "take it or leave it" basically when giving a review. Probably don't actually say that as is but... well you get my point. Thanks again
Okay, this was well versed and well framed. I enjoyed it.
You could've made use of commas and merged some lines, or maybe extend them. They were choppy, a mistake I usually make. Don't make it too choppy. Lengthen this.
It was pretty vague. I understood the meaning but to readers who aren't good with understanding vagueness, it would be useless. Add more structure to it.
"No hem of lace
A bride to be
As is His cree
A vow of solemn glee."
The ending was amazing. Simple words put into beautiful lines. I loved this. But the element that usually keeps the readers on was missing. If someone who isn't patient reads this, he or she would probably leave it halfway through.
But it was overall good. Nice idea. Brownies.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo