Oh wow it sucks when yet another boy is treating my friend like dirt... So much for prince charming, eh? If only life worked out like the Disney films.
(This poem is not meant to be sexist in anyway, because I know all too well how awfully girls can treat boys as well. Us princesses can be just as callous and manipulative as princes can be - this poem is just simply a response to something that happened recently to a friend of mine)
I used to believe in fairy tales.
Enchanting legends of beautiful princesses,
with hair like spun silk and the voices of angels.
Desperately searching for someone to save them
from the dragon, the stepmother, the malevolence.
A shining light, a knight in shining armour, prince charming.
And on his glorious white stallion he would ride,
journeying incessantly to find the girl in the tower;
slay the evil; watch as its blood stained the earth;
win the heart of the naïve, credulous princess and then,
(after the wedding ceremony that always ensued)
Happily ever after.
.
Where are these princes now?
All I see are demoniac figures,
cloaked in a facade of smirks and serenades.
They lift you off your aching feet
only to hurl you to the floor much harder,
and turn blind eyes to the fractures in your bones,
the ruptures in your heart.
They pinch the crown from atop your head;
merely as a trophy to augment their traitorous status.
And those longing princesses who’ve lost their crowns,
are left broken, they wilt and wither. They gather dust and fade,
like the pages of fairy tales from long ago.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
*sniff* ITS SO SAD!!!!!!!!
This is probably one of my favorite poems. Very well written. Just one thing though: what style are you writing in? I'm trying to figure out the name of the style of poem where you don't rhyme.
I really like your comparison of bad relationships to disintegrating book pages.
I hope that douche who dumped you gets what he deserves.
Hey Crimsona!
Happy Review Day!
I wanted to make sure I read those poems I had seen you post for today! I think this one is great! I love how you turn it from a happy dreamy story to a dark reality in the next stanza. I thought it was the perfect length, and I loved the last line, how it brought everything together so perfectly, summarizing the old and the now. We don't even care how it got to be this way - just the fact that it is, and that it's life.
I only have one problem with this poem, and that is that I found the beginning a little clichéd. I do take it will be granted seeing as we are on the topic of common fairytales and it is hard to work around it. But if there was a way of making the language more poetic or focusing on one aspect of fairytales in general it would make it less clichéd because you are looking at a small scope there. So let's say we are focusing on princes and princesses - then you can talk about them holding hands and dancing perfectly at balls because they make such a picturesque couple. That could be one idea of the first stanza and you focus on the small details in that.
Then the second one could be the adventure one. Instead of listening multiple things like the step mother, or the dragons and so on, you could choose one and take that situation to describe in detail and poetically. Then we get the change in tone of the third stanza, which I think is perfect and there isn't a single thing I would change there.
I have one nitpick for you!
When you read this you trip over the words 'hair like spun silk.' My suggestion is you switch the words spun and like around in position, so you get a nice little simile and it is easier to read. I am looking forwards to reading the next one! Keep up the creativity
Deanie x
Hi there Crimsona! Niteowl, your fellow Ultramariner, here to review!
Now, I have to agree with the previous reviewer that the "fairy tales are not reality" theme is fairly common. That said, I think you used it well.
One thing I would encourage you to think about is your word choice. Fairy tales are told with simple language, so sometimes when you use the bigger words it doesn't feel quite right.
Examples:
For the first line, I think slashing credulous would be fine. For the second, I think it needs some rewording. Maybe "another trophy to hang on their walls" (or bedposts if you like that image).
One last thing, you seem to be putting in a lot of extra punctuation. Generally, punctuating as you would in prose works well, especially for a narrative piece like this. The semicolons in the first stanza could just be commas. You also don't need the comma after "fade" at the end.
Overall, this is a well-done twist on a theme. Keep writing!
Hey, PeanutPhoebe, READ ALL OVER's co-leader, and I'm here to review your awesome piece! First off, I loved this poem. It expressed your feelings so well! I know how you feel, it's so easy to just look around and see guys who treat us princesses so badly! True princes are getting so much harder to find! Anyway, I really liked your wording in this piece. It's so symbolic and picturesque! I'm awful at poetry, so I really appreciate a good piece like this. It's awesome. Even though it's free verse, I was able to pick up a good rhythm throughout the piece. However, your formatting was just kind of awkward looking at times. That may just have been the way you wrote it, or it could have been YWS. (It hardly ever wants to co-operate with me:) Another thing I noticed is the grammar. Now I know this is free verse, so sometimes us reviewers just have to deal with comma splices. But you seem to have an unnecessary amount. So many of them could have just been fixed with a period or semi colon! As a final note though, while this could be improved, it's still a great poem!
PeanutPhoebe
Thank you for your review! You are so right about the comma splices - I can't seem to get out of the habit of doing them! I'll have a tweak of this and hopefully it'll be a bit grammatically better once I've finished
Thanks again and happy review day.
I think this poem is FANTASTIC. Just because I can relate to it so much. This reminds me of Disney movies like Cinderella, Snow white and the seven dwarfs, and Beauty and the beast. When you get to the part to show how it is in the real world, how you put it into words, I couldn't of done no better. This is a masterpiece to me. My favorite part was when you said "They lift you off your aching feet
only to hurl you to the floor much harder,"
because that part is so relate-able. The feeling that you're trying to show, i'm guessing, is sadness, because that's what i'm feeling. Great job. I'm out now. Have a nice week.
Thank you very much for your review, it's always nice to hear positive feedback.
Hey there, I'm The Black Sheep and I agree with what you're saying here. I understand the emotion that you're expressing through this writing piece, the frustration, an possibly the anger. A reader can feel the realization of reality in this writing piece and that is almost like a coming of age feeling. I love the fairy tale reference even though some people think it's over done I think you did a great job with it. Grammatical errors are minimal and might very well just be keyboard slips that you missed and believe me I'm not one to judge about conventions because I'm not the best with them either. Once again well done with this piece. It reads like music which is always good with poetry.
Thanks for your review - I totally see where you're coming from with the over down fairy tale reference, you're completely right but I'm very glad that you thought I did a good job with it. Thank you again and happy review day.