So, another poem from Crimson. Still a little rusty and needs to be polished up, but I think that it's alright so far.
The pitch
Black
Consumes my whole,
Swimming,
Deeper,
Into my soul.
The echoes
Reverberating
Throughout the hall,
Closer,
Faster,
I can’t feel at all.
The Dark
Face
Concealed in a cloak of jealousy,
Faster,
Closer,
To die must be my only destiny.
The knife
Glinting
As he raises my death high,
Plunges,
Downward,
My soul soars to the sky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
xD I can't believe I spelt that wrong! -shot-
Thank you both for your feeback, I do agree with the 'Throughout' part, and will change that.
Thanks again!
~Crimmy
That line flows well enough, but I think it would flow better if you did "Throughout the hall." This is merely my opinion, but I think that adding the syllable will pick up the speed, matching it to the rest of the poem, instead of slowing it down.
I believe you mean "soars," which is spelled with an A not a U.
Overall, I like this poem. The rhymes sound natural, not forced, though they are often perfect rhymes. I also like the flow, the structure. I like the message this holds, how, while not clearly saying that she is being murdered, you get a vivid picture of the happenings. It wasn't confusing, either, which can happen a lot in poetry.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Hey Crimson! I have one correction, but it's pretty vital: your soul sours to the sky. Sour isn't a verb, unfortunately. Hmm. That's kind of funny, though. I couldn't imagine a sour soul flitting up to the sky.
On the plus side, I really like the repetition you use throughout the poem. Repetition is a great quality of poetry, and it's hard to use it without being boring. You weren't boring at all, though, so congrats!