Oh jeez. I haven't been here in about two years, but I'm back with a disaster of a poem to share with you! Apologies in advance, my writing style has deteriorated due to my ridiculously long absence - I've definitely missed this place!
“Keep your heart open and your eyes closed”
That is what my mother told me to do
When it came to the art of loving and I never opposed
It. I smiled and nodded as a naïve, willing child without a clue.
But when my eyes were ripped open to all the hurt, the pain,
The betrayal and all the love I ever felt drained
From my heart, which had snapped shut tightly.
I can’t help but wonder deep into the night
Why. Why did my mother tell me these things?
Love is no fragile butterfly but a wasp that stings
And it hurts. It hurts when you are naïve and willing.
But I listened to mother, the words she was instilling.
I kept my heart open, I loved all too freely
And I met the boy with the blonde hair and the steely
Gaze. He took advantage of my closed eyes,
Came up from behind me and despite my cries
Thrust the knife deep into my back.
My heart snapped shut. My eyes ripped open.
The naïve little girl had been thoroughly broken.
“Keep your eyes open and your heart closed”
This is what I will tell my children to do
When it comes to the art of loving. And I don’t suppose
They will listen. They will be naïve wild children without a clue.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write!This is way better than anything I could ever write! Seriously though, it's really good
Wow.
*is a little overexcited about your beautiful poem*
RoyalHighness has arrived to review, and that was a good "wow." In fact, that was a /great/ "wow."
Before I get to gushing about how much I LOVED THIS, I have exactly one thing, and that is the ending of lines as the beginning of other lines. In my english classes, those poems were always the toughest to read, because in my mind, my voice made the sentence sound choppy, as it was part of the next line. So, I applaud your advanced skills (because I know for a /fact/ I can't do that that well yet), but I just didn't /love/ it.
But what I did love was pretty much EVERYTHING ELSE SO LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
The eyes being ripped really gripped my attention from the start. Wow, what imagery!
I love the concept of a heart "snapping shut," because I so /get/ that, you know? I /feel/ that on a spiritual level, man.
I love the image of love as not a butterfly, but a wasp. That really solidified in my mind the narrator's real view of love, in contrast to her mother's.
I love the story you've put in here with so few words. I love how the image of the narrator's love stabbing her in the back kind of reflects the eyes being ripped out from the beginning.
"My heart snapped shut. My eyes ripped open." YES YES YES YES YES JUST YES EVERY LINE AFTER THAT IS JUST UTTER PERFECTION
TEN OF TEN STARS. GREAT JOB!
You are so sweet and kind! That review really made my day, thank you so so much! I totally get your point of the the ending of lines as beginning of other lines, I just find it so hard to get rhythm and rhyme without using enjambment >.< Thanks again for your lovely review!
Absolutely! You totally deserve it!
This was a powerful piece. The rhythm was good, as were the word choices. I was reminded of a song lyric that goes, "Single is just another word for nothing to lose."
When you're not in a relationship, love is easy. Even with family, if you are distant from them, it can have the same effect. I think a lot of people could relate to this piece, myself included. I don't see anything wrong with this piece. I especially like the opening line “Keep your heart open and your eyes closed”.
Altogether it was a great piece - please keep up the great work!
Thank you very much for your kind review, it's always great to hear positive feedback!