I tried to write a poem

Heya Crimsona!

I finally got round to reading some of your poems! :3 And I'm going to try and review this one because it caught my eye the most. The thing about it is that I've read a lot of love poems because of course, they are written an awful lot. But I like this one because it's not so much focused on the love they have but the fear that is behind the love, which is something different and new. I really like that idea you've toyed with in the poem. Fear and love? Perfect combination here.

I actually like the rhyme that comes in this poem. Usually when it comes to things like this sometimes the rhyme needs a lot of improving because it sounds so forced. But here it kinds of fits in although at some points it is a little awkward because of the enjambment. So maybe make the rhyme smoother when it comes to rhyming within a sentence. Also, there was one line where I didn't exactly like the rhyme going with it.

I will never amount to those sorts of girls.

Hey! Retro here for a review.

First off, I'll do some nitpicks then talk about what I liked, okay?

' That all these feelings were locked inside this vault

Otherwise known as my heart. And this

Hurricane of sadness is pouring down my face. '

These have the potential to be something fantastic, but as it stands they seem to be lacking a bit of oomf. I think the use of otherwise here breaks up the flow a bit, and causes a bit of jarring in your meter. I would, personally say '...locked inside this vault, my heart.' The bit about the hurricane of sadness I think need some more poignant imagery to accompany because it is a really really nice idea, but seems to fall short of the punch at the mo But it has some great potential!

' I’m just all over the damn place. '

I think you could have a better way to put this. Maybe with some actual fragmentation. The poem is fall of breaks and jarring, most of the time it works well. I think you could exploit that here, maybe with a bit of something like. My mind. I just. Can't. Some actual jarring would make this point much more powerful in my personal opinion but it just be my personal preference

'My sorrows in vodka right now'

I'd change the word 'in' to something like are. because in sounds more like a message in a bottle rather than the metaphor I think you've gone for.

I can't seen any spelling mistakes or things like that, so I'll talk a bit about what I like I think so of your imagery here is excellent. For example when you talk about them being a speckle of light that comes through your window. I think you have an excellent point there and it is very well constructed. I also quite like your theme here, and I think it suits the non formality of the piece so Kudos for that. I'll briefly analyze your ending, because I have a thing about endings.

' The fear of losing you torments me.

I tried to write a poem about that. '

For me, the ending of a poem needs to be an almighty crux which draws the poem to a succesful close and I think here you have an excellent ending. The last night parelling the start is an excellent idea and I think it is beautifully done, and is also incredibly powerful and gets across the struggle of your protagonist.

Overall, well done!

Keep it up,
~Retro

Heyo, Subtle here as requested! Who says writing at 1am is a bad idea? I always write things at that hour, and I think you have a splendid poem here. I could only sum this poem up in one word, it is absolutely heart breaking. To evoke such a feeling from me isn't that easy, do you've outdone yourself with your wonderful imagery and language skills. Perhaps is because I can relate to this as well, a time ago I had someone to whom I feared very much to loose and that feeling of fear is one hard to describe. Although, you've done it justice here. I really liked a lot of the metaphors used here, and the ways you expressed what you wanted. Your imagery wasn't too flowery but it gave your poem colour and emotions, so that the readers feel more intimate and in touch with our MC or in this case, you.

I don't have a lot of nitpicks for this one, I don't usually do when it comes to poemd that I can relate or are well written. I noticed your use of damn on the first and second stanza, I don't know if this really fits the context well. The use of damn in the first one was alright, because it empathize your point. But by the time of the second one, it seemed like you were running out of word. So, try and not be repeat the same word in the same poem twice. Instead of damn, you could use some other words. I can't think of any right now, but there is always the thesaurus. In any case, without damn your sentence wouldn't have even effected at all.

'Cracked porcelain face' - So, I'm assuming you're trying to say that you're something that is fragile and small? It sounds odd, porcelain is generally used to describe dolls. I'm not saying you can't use it on people, but porcelain just reminds me of something that's form from fine china. The simile doesn't quite work there. The same goes from crack, these two combinations actually clash awkwardly in this case. I mean, cracked, porcelain heart would have worked however to me. Is just awkward. To me, 'down my face' would have worked better. Sorry to be blunt.

I liked the repetition of the same line but with blood, on the last stanza. Nice correspondence.
Also, the speckle of light is just absolutely adorable. Indeed, the sun and moon is way overused. That's a very clever idea there.

And that palindrome ending, is absolutely brilliant, it just refreshes the pain and the fear all over again. A very nice finish. So, there really isn't much except for that one misused simile. Your imagery and your voice is already developed, the rhyming pattern was a bit sporadic but it didn't intrude the overall pacing of the poem.

I think you have a great potential in you to be an awesome poet. Keep it up!

Hoped I helped.

-S.s