I wrote this poem when I was about 6, I re-read it today, and I actually thought that I could do something with it. So I did.
Original;
The seal swam down to the sea bed
'And a lady seal said come out to swim with me.'
He said of course.
But he goes out once and never again because
he loves them then leaves them
'cos he likes to be alone.
'Once is enough' is his motto he says, but then again…. Who believes a seal!?
There, it probably doesn't make any sense to you, because it doesn't make any sense to me. And even that version is edited, because before the spelling and grammar was too bad for words. >.<
New version;
-deleted because the first version was actually better-
I realise that this is an utter disgrace to literature. I just had a sudden urge to do something with it, and I suppose that's all that matters really, I mean... writing is inspiration, no?
Not too harsh critique on this one please, my six year old self may get offended. >.< Hahaha.
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Canary word: Present
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Sorry, I literally need 3 points to post O.o soz pour la spam >.<
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome
You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome You're Awesome!
Keep it real blud
This is an utterly gorgeous disgrace to literature. :p
Hi there Crimsona. Lavvi in to review for you today.
Yeah...um, this seems kind of nonsensical and I have no idea where it went, really. I know you said the errors are purposeful but I don't see how they could be of any positivity to the poem. The errors just make it seem very messy and distracting. It also ruins the flow. I'm not really a fan of it.
Yours,
Lavvi
Aww, I wrote when I was little too. I folded printer paper and stapled it, and I used them to write about a paragraphs worth of story in them. I had so many ideas but none of them took place in America or this time period....I was a fantasy kid when I was six, go figure. I had this one name website, and I still use it today! It's 20000-names.com, I think. Either way I loved it. My first poem was about tree's and picking flowers off of them but avoiding the ones that look like bees! I was probably the same age you were when you wrote this. Well, anyway, this is adorable and adds a little sense of cuteness to YWS.
Thank you superchipmunk.
xD So did I actually, I don't know how I really knew about that sort of stuff... then again, I probably heard the phrase in a film or something.
I actually really enjoyed this. I love the line about how he loves them and leaves them. That's an interesting concept for a 6 year old to use in a poem.
You know what, I hate the second version, and I'm going to get rid of it. xD
Thank you heybeccahey!
this made me laugh. I don't know why. I actually liked the first one better, I think I spent about five minutes trying to figure out what that poem would mean to a six-year-old.
but I really got nothing. This has some deep meaning here... wahaha.
Thank you iheartbooks.
I did actually spend about fifteen minutes trying to find some sort of message in there. Nope, nothing, just nonsense.
xD I'm glad you think it's unique and cute, I was worried that it was going to be torn apart... xD
I like the 6 year old version, it reminds me of some of the stuff I used to do. Not the whole not making sense part, but the simplicity that we thought everyone would get, but it turns out nobody can. I can't really give a critique, because most of me doesn't want to. I like the way it is, it's an unique poem. It's like trying to tell you a message, but then again, it could all just be goofiness. It leaves you wondering. And I like the way you have it set up, it's unique. This is cute.
-iheartbooks♥