12+ Violence

War of Dawn - Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Cornered


The Risen unleashes a Haste glyph and dashes forward. He closes the distance in mere moments, striking at Owen with an overhead swing of his axe. The blow is blocked by Owen's Shield but it's already strong enough to crack the tiled floor below. Moving to counterattack, Owen pushes him away and swings at his throat. The Risen simply evades underneath and now he's the advantage.

"Owen! Watch out!" Hilda yells but it's too late. A Burst glyph strikes Owen dead center, sending him flying into a nearby wall.

Hilda charges towards the Risen, sword raised high and filled with anger. She swings wildly, downward, sideways, upwards, but nothing connects. The Risen dodges everything without breaking a sweat. Then he gets on the offensive, parrying her sword aside and kneeing her straight in the stomach. Hilda loses her breath, dazed by the attack. Through her strained sight, however, she catches a glimpse of him preparing a spell.

Hilda conjures a Shield in preparation for whatever it is and gets it up at about the same time as a Wave crashes atop her. That's the brunt of the damage prevented but the hit still pushes her back. She's unbalanced and the Risen takes the opportunity to close in with a jumping slash of his axe. He's held back, however. Flaming cords wrap around his right hand and pull the Risen towards the ground – Owen's doing.

He moves after the downed Risen, flinging a barrage of FireBolts on approach. The undead leaps back upright, blocking them all with precise Shields. Hilda's also back on her feet and tries blindsiding him with a thrust. It doesn't work in the slightest. The Risen dodges, grabs her by the neck and flings her right on top of Owen. Together, they slide across the ground.

"Damn it... Pay attention, Hilda!" Owen grunts, glaring at her as he stands back up. "This is difficult enough without having to keep an eye out for you!"

"I haven't seen you doing any better than me...!" Hilda snarls at him in frustration.

"Don't take your eyes off the enemy, you idiots!" Vanessa yells at them from afar, pointing towards the Risen.

A tier two spell lies in his hand, two nested, runed circles with a triangle surrounded by small lozenges in all cardinal directions. As it's unleashed, dozens of small pellets of earth appear above the Risen.

"Oh, no...!" Owen gasps. "Dodge!"

The pellets begin raining down upon them like stormy hail. Hilda and Owen cast their Haste glyphs and begin running like mad, dodging the stream of attacks as it follows them. When in front, they slash the incoming pellets with their weapons. From the side, they block it with a Shield. Still, it is also coming from behind, from above, from below. The attacks are unrelenting and it doesn't take long before they start to connect. For every one they evade, another finds its mark.

Hilda staggers after the consecutive blows and almost fails to notice the approaching Risen. He bears upon her with his axe glowing orange with abounding earth elemental. With nary a second to spare, she parries his initial swing. They trade blows, earth and lightning flying with every clash. The problem, however, is that the Risen's previous spell hasn't stopped.

"Hilda! Behind—" Owen tries to warn her but, being hounded by the Risen's attack himself, he is too late. Three pellets hammer Hilda right at her back. Her defense breaks apart from the pain and the Risen blows her aloft with a Wave spell. He gives chase, each hunk of stone flying about the room a platform for him to stand on. Very quickly he catches up to Hilda, Bust spell in hand. The explosion to the chest knocks her straight into the ground, the heavy impact creating a wide crater. Her piercing yelp echoes across the battlefield, accompanied by loud, crunching sounds that come from her bones.

"Hilda!!" Paula yells and looks about to enter the fray herself when Vanessa grabs her by the shoulder. She merely shakes her head and holds the girl in place. If they act without thinking, the hostages are done for.

The Risen returns to the ground and Owen moves to intercept. As his chakrams dangle from their tethers, he swings them across the entire room. Back and forth, they fly off his hand and return, drawing sharp contrails across the air. It does not faze the Risen in the slightest. All of Owen's attacks are dodged, blocked and parried with ease. Drawing upon his previous experience with Drones, Owen decides to exploit his limited intellect. He readies the Wall glyph, a single circle with a trapezoid within. With a swing of his hand, a thick barrier of flame emerges before the Risen.

Jumping up high, Owen charges both chakrams with flame and fires a single red streak at his foe. That should act as a good distraction. Meanwhile, he sends his second chakram around the long way. Even if the Risen dodges the first, he shouldn't see the other coming. The streak of flame goes through the Wall spell and, indeed, the Risen predictably dodges. He's right in the path of the incoming chakram - a clean it, it'll be. Realizing that, Owen dashes through his Wall, to capitalize on it... That is, until the Risen waves his hand and uses a small explosion to rebuff the chakram.

Owen's eyes widen with shock, his mind frantically trying to make sense of what he sees. "How...? This kind of awareness is beyond the level of a Drone!"

Asking that won't do him any good, however. The Risen intercepts his attack vector with a pillar of stone that rises from the earth. It strikes Owen in the stomach, stopping him in his tracks and leaving him open from above. Indeed, the Risen dashes over and and dropkicks Owen onto the ground near Hilda.

"Owen... you alright...?" she asks, as she drags herself upwards.

Owen groans, clutching his head with drowsiness. "I am not... though I think you have it worse... How bad is it?"

"I think the bastard broke some stuff... Grgh!" Hilda answers, every word marred with pain. "A lot of stuff... But I can keep going...!"

Owen's voice is just as strained, his usually firm tone having been reduced to weary whispers. "This man is certainly above any Drone... in strength, skill and intellect..."

"Hmhmhm... As the lady general said, I might not have given the Risen his due recognition. Shame on me, right?" Nokor laughs from his balcony, thoroughly enjoying the show. "Would you two care to surrender now? Make things easier for everyone?"

Hilda's anger with Nokor grows by the second, his nonchalant attitude despite the death he sows filling her with indignation. Gritting her teeth with outrage, she grabs her sword off the ground.

"Dra åt helvete...rövhål!!" Hilda yells and charges towards the Risen.

"Hilda, wait!" Owen yells but she isn't listening.

The Risen fires several EarthBolts at her, all dodged and parried on approach. Hilda gets in close, her blade crackling with the lightning element. She swings madly, each attack unleashing a streak of violet energy. And, yet, none find their mark against her agile foe. He slashes and thrusts, coming from every angle, are sidestepped and parried away. The Risen isn't even attacking, merely withstanding her onslaught and letting her tire out.

And it catches up to her soon as Hilda attempts to unleash a Burst spell. In the split second, her hand is moving into position, the Risen sees a chance to counter. He brings out a Shield that fully blocks her attack. Instead of being buffeted away like other previous Shields, however, this one bends inwardly.

"What

—" she thinks, confused.

From that dent, it splits off into hundreds of small, jagged rocks that are blasted right at her. Hilda's taken by surprise, the stones cutting and piercing her body as she's sent reeling back. Here's the chance for the killing blow and the Risen will take it. A lot of earth element spins around his axe as he brings it back and swings with all his might. As the previous attack stops, Hilda opens her eyes to see the massive streak of orange energy ripping through the ground towards her. She looks at it with horror and attempts to evade. There is simply no time.

But before the attack connects, Owen jumps in front of her, Shield glyph at the ready. The streak's energies flare wildly against the surface of his spell, sending shockwaves through the enclave.

"Pull... back...!" Owen yells, struggling hard to stand firm. Every single part of his body is being subject to the force he's attempting to hold back, his expression contorting with pain.

"Owen! What are you doing?!" Hilda protests but her words are overwhelmed by the booming sound of the Risen's attack and Owen's Shield cracking under its strength.

"Hrrmm...! Get away! I can't—"

Owen's Shield collapses, the streak of energy breaking through it like a piece of glass, hitting him directly. The blow knocks him into Hilda and repels both across the room. As she lands, Hilda feels the entire world spinning around her. She's struck with a hacking cough as blood starts shooting off her mouth. And it's not just there. She can also feel it pouring down her face and from several parts of her body. However, all that becomes a secondary worry. When she wipes her eyes, what she sees makes her heart sink deep into her chest: Owen's lying face down before her, a pool of blood surrounding him.

"Owen...? Owen...!" she calls out but he doesn't answer.

As she turns him over, she sees a large, deep gash cutting straight across the left side of his chest – where the brunt of the Risen's attack hit. Blood gushes from the wound, as Hilda tries desperately to stop its flow with her hands. She can still feel his heartbeat but it's getting slower.

"No... no, no, no... Owen!" she yells. "Don't you dare do this! Come on, damn it!"

Observing it all, Paula turns to Vanessa with a panicked expression but the general remains unmoving, even at the sight of her own apprentice's grave wounds. That being said, Paula feels her grip on her shoulder tighten up.

"He's a stubborn one, indeed... I'm surprised he's still alive after that hit," Nokor says, his amused face propped upon his left hand. "That's nothing that cannot be fixed, however. Say your farewells, girl, for your friend's soul has an appointment with the pylon!"

Hearing this, a surge of raw emotion pours forth from deep within her. Her hands are shaking once more. This time, however, it's not out of fear but out of pure hatred. She will not let them claim his life. Not again. He cannot die like this – not for her, of all people!

"NO!" she roars, swinging her sword madly and unleashing a streak of electricity so large, it strikes the entirety of the room before her. Nokor raises his hand and effortlessly shields himself and the pylon. The wall behind him has a massive tear opened in it. The Risen, however, has difficulty defending himself. Like Owen before him, his shield is cracking under the pressure of Hilda's attack. From the gaps, electricity gets through and starts tearing and piercing his body.

At length, however, he manages to break the spell apart. Bolts of lightning crackle across the chamber, destroying parts of the floor, walls and ceiling. More importantly, some of them make their way to one of the Drones holding a hostage. He dodges a couple but the third one requires the Drone to deflect it with his sword, causing it to leave its position on the hostage's neck.

That's it. That's the opening that Vanessa was looking for. It was too risky to try anything with both Valnr poised to kill their hostages. By moving his sword, however, this one Drone will now need a small bit of time to reposition.

Vanessa lets go of Paula and begins her move, casting a Haste spell with a flicker of her fingers. She'll start with the Drone still keeping the hostage well in hand. As she runs towards it, the very world slows down to a crawl. The moment she moved, she positioned several pockets of wind across the chamber. Nokor has noticed this and is heading towards her in an attempt to intercept.

"Psh," Vanessa huffs at him, "this'll be over before you're even halfway close to me."

Stepping over the wind, Vanessa reaches the first Drone – ever-too-slow to realize what's incoming. She grabs his sword's edge and sends a flash of green energy across. The blade immediately shatters into hundreds of pieces. Next, she touches the hand holding the hostage and a gale of wind severs it clean off. Finally, positioning herself beside the Drone, she leaves behind a small sphere of wind element. That's four tenths of a second thus far.

Vanessa soars through the chamber, towards the second Drone. He's now halfway through repositioning his blade at the hostage's throat. However, he won't get a chance to do so. Vanessa extends her spear ahead, aiming at his sword hand. The hand is skewered with such strength, it's simply ripped off the wrist. Retracting her spear, Vanessa swings the hand off the tip and closes the distance to the Drone himself.

Again, she severs the hand holding the hostage and frees her. This time, however, she jumps right above the drone, spear in both hands. Vanessa runs the Drone through like a pig roast. Lifting herself atop the spear shaft, she swings back down and flings the Drone towards the pylon's balcony.

As he flies off, Vanessa gathers as much wind as she can in her spear and thrusts front and center. The bright green gale unleashed pierces the Drone, ripping him to shreds, before continuing on its path towards the pylon. Due to Nokor's silly attempt at obstruction, there's nothing to stop it from striking the sphere of darkness. The bit of wind she'd previously left by the first Drone activates now, cutting him in half with a ferocious gust. It strikes the precise spot to leave the hostage safe.

Nine tenths of a second have passed. Nokor is only barely off his balcony by this point. He can tell that Vanessa had done something but is far too weak to do anything about it. Face the speed of her movements, only now he notices the attack that blew past him. He turns back in time to see the pierced pylon disappear. As he stands dumbfounded, the Drone hand Vanessa swung away strikes him upside the head.

Paula has just realized that Vanessa is gone. Gasping in surprise, she looks around until she sees her in the balcony above. Both hostages are safe but very confused.

"What... What happened...?" she asks.

A confident smile breaks across Vanessa's red lips. "I saw a chance and took it – didn't have time to explain. Get those hostages out of here, yeah?"

"Y-yes, my lady!" Paula blusters before conjuring a pair of portals beneath the man and woman, pulling them towards her.

Hilda takes this opportunity to try to cast an Elemental Cure glyph – a single circle surrounding a spiral – upon Owen's gaping wound. She's too distraught, however, and the spell doesn't take.

Nokor's calm countenance has broken and twisted into anger, and Vanessa is very much enjoying this change. His broken emotional control hampers his grip over the Risen, making him simply stand by.

"Hah, you're not as quick as your tongue... Did you really think a Knight could tag Vanessa, the Genoese Gale?" she laughs.

"I... they—!" Nokor struggles with his words, being interrupted as Vanessa moves back to her spot by the chamber's entrance in blink of an eye.

"Actually, I think what you didn't expect was that I would actually do something that would put the hostages' lives at risk," Vanessa says, watching as Paula runs outside with the civilians. "Problem is, I'm no naïve rookie. This little game of yours was all a smokescreen, no? You didn't really need to sacrifice anyone else – you just needed to buy a few more minutes and the pylon would've charged by itself."

Nokor says nothing but the frustrated glare he gives to the destroyed pylon is all the confirmation she needs.

Vanessa wags her finger at him. "I figured as much... But your plan was doomed from the get-go. Any Atrium gives you Valnr a toehold from which to attack so many folks, so I was ready to give up one hostage if it meant saving the other and wrecking your pylon. Hilda gave me another option, thankfully."

"Very well said... my lady..." Owen says, having just recovered his consciousness. He slowly rises, though his wound is still open and he groans in pain.

"Owen...! Oh, thank the gods!" Hilda exclaims, supporting him off the ground. "I thought you weren't going to make it...!"

Placing his hand over the gash on his chest, Owen begins filling it a fiery healing spell.

"I might not have, had I slept for any longer...Uurgh...!" he grunts at the searing pain as his wound is cauterized. "Someone's shrilling cries brought me back to reality, though..."

Hilda rubs her eyes, exhaling in relief, as Owen gently pushes her hand away and stands on his own.

"Oh, shut up. You're nowhere good enough to be giving me sass," she chuckles wryly before turning to Vanessa. "He needs some better healing, Vanessa. Give him a hand, would you?"

Owen gives Hilda a tired glance and shakes his head. She doesn't understand what he's trying to tell her but, then, comes the answer: "No."

Hilda looks at Vanessa, dumbstruck, words failing to come to her. The general thrusts her spear into the ground and crosses her arms, standing unmoving and away from them. Even Nokor raises an eyebrow in surprise.

"Huh...?! What do you mean 'no'?!" Hilda huffs in anger.

"This is your opponent – your battle. There'll be times when there won't be people around to bail you out, when you can only rely on each other," she answers firmly.

Hilda stands there, mouth agape, not believing what she's hearing. Outraged, she yells back: "Are you crazy? Owen is your apprentice and he's not well!"

"You two have learned enough that defeating this Risen is doable. And I'm doing this because he's my apprentice – as I'm sure Ryouma would do, were he in my shoes."

"He could die, damn it! How can you just sit there like that?!" Hilda exclaims, her trembling hands gesturing madly towards Vanessa.

"If you two die, that means you've reached your peak as Scions and that's it. The Corps won't lose much from two dead Novitiates," Vanessa yells back, her voice ripping as a shockwave across the room. "There's no one here to help you but yourselves. You are Scions of Orlen and Taserus – partners. You fight, live and die together. Now shut up and get to it!"

Hilda looks back at Owen with an appalled frown but he simply shrugs. "Though she's usually as friendly as they come, she can also be quite the harsh teacher..."

"Please tell me she's not serious," Hilda asks, desolate.

Owen answers with a shallow sigh. "Maybe she is, maybe she isn't... I am not sure, so we should act as if we're alone on this one."

"But—!"

She hasn't the time to protest any more, as Nokor has reached a decision. With the pylon gone and no way to dispatch Vanessa, the only thing left is to use the situation to kill as many as possible. He waves his hand and sends the Risen to once more attack the two Novitiates.

He dashes in once more towards Hilda, axe at the ready. Despite the many bruises around his body, the Risen's attacks are as unrelenting as before. Her debilitated state, however, is making her cut really close with the parrying. Hilda blasts at him with a Burst – which he blocks – and moves backward to gain some breathing room.

Casting as many LightningBolts as she can, as quickly as she can, she tries to keep the distance. The Risen just weaves between them, never stopping in his pursuit. His focus on Hilda gives Owen an opening, though. He engages from above, throwing both his chakrams downward, at the enemy's back. The Risen evades one, though the second rips into his left shoulder.

Owen closes in from the left with a Burst spell handy, while Hilda does the same from the right, her blade glowing violet from the charged electricity.

"We've got him!" Hilda thinks.

She aims her swing right to slice right through the Risen's waist while Owen is gunning for his head. But their offensive fails. The Risen catches Hilda's blade with the heel of his axe and blocks Owen's Burst with a well-timed Shield. His attempt at following up with a swing of his chakrams is interrupted - like before, the Shield breaks into a shower of rocks and carries him off. Pulling Hilda in via her caught sword, the Risen knees her in the chin. With an upward slash, he unleashes a streak of earthen energy that blasts her away.

As she lands hard on the ground, Hilda sees the Risen heading straight for Owen. He hasn't recovered from the hit he took before. Plus, the injury has reopened – and then some – due to the jagged stones that've just embedded themselves in his chest. Owen's hunched over in pain, struggling to keep himself erect. The Risen's closing in, a strong elemental charge upon his axe. Owen is in no position to defend against something like that.

Hilda's mind goes blank, desperation seizing control of her heart, as she charges at the Risen and grabs him from behind, wrapping her arms around his.

"What are you doing, Hilda...?!" Owen yells, healing his wound shut once more with a quick spell.

"Hurry!" she screams, holding tight as the Risen tries shaking her off. "I'll keep him pinned! Do your strongest Burst and kill him now!"

"That's insane...!" Owen protests with heavy breathing. "You're too wounded to survive a hit like that!"

Hilda's holding the Risen's arms in place but he can still cast. Conjuring several EarthBolts, they lash away at her armor and body. She cries out in pain with each bloody hit but doesn't let go.

Hilda holds even tighter, her voice becoming more and more strained by the second. "You took that hit for me... And I told you before, I won't have people die because—... aargh... because of me...!"

The Risen tries moving away but she momentarily stuns him by channeling electricity through her battered armor. Streams of blood gush from all her wounds, running down her face and covering her eyes to the point where she can't see. EarthBolts, pellets and shards of stone envelop her in a constant stream of attacks. Still, she doesn't let go.

"Enough, Hilda! Drop him and we'll—"

"For once... shut your mouth and listen to me! We can't beat this guy... but with this, you can! If only one of us will make it through, then you're the better choice by far! Do it!"

Owen doesn't answer, merely glaring at her and the Risen with a mix of pain and anger. He's trying to find a way around this – any way to win that doesn't require going through with her plan. But he can't see any weaknesses. The foe is superior to them in all aspects. This may well be the only chance and if he lets it go, they'll likely not get another one. Furthermore, this would be the rational choice: Owen's the better Scion, the better warrior, the better caster. If one of them's to survive, he would be the more useful one in the war against the Valnr. Cutting their losses would be the logical thing to do. It would be...

"Go!!" Hilda screams.

Owen opens his eyes and sighs ruefully. "...Cicio'r doth."

Vanessa's clenched jaw and deep frown showcase her frustration at observing all this – she will not interfere, however. Nokor, on the other hand, is displaying a wide grin at their suffering. Owen begins running towards Hilda and the Risen, his chakrams hanging from his hands as he begins conjuring the glyph. Hilda still cannot see over the blood covering her eyes but she hears his footsteps getting closer and closer. Every muscle in her body is tightened, focusing solely on keeping the Risen electrified and in place.

About six meters until Owen's in range. That's good. She's glad he saw reason. She had a good run but, really, this was always just her playing hero. It was only a matter of time before she got killed.

Four meters. At least Owen and Paula will be fine. She's certain they'll be great Scions themselves, which is why doing this is hardly a problem. They deserve to keep going.

Two meters. It's just a shame that Ryouma's efforts will have been wasted... despite all the hardships, he's made these past months some of the happiest times of her life. If only he was here, so she could thank him for giving her a chance.

One meter.

"Henrik... I'm coming..."

Comments & reviews · 3
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Megrim
Review
Megrim wrote a review · Sun Sep 11, 2016 12:18 am

This is my favorite chapter so far and the fastest read. It has some serious tension! That's the magic ingredient! There's a solid arc to this chapter--a unified scene with beginning, middle, and end, and a theme that carries it through. There's real conflict, the fight isn't just fluff, and there's real danger. The battle sequence at the very beginning is great. I really liked Owen in this chapter, how he acted, and I liked seeing him wounded (my heart always goes out for wounded characters and it makes me like them more).

A small thing is that you use the word "indeed" a lot. You should do a ctrl-f in your manuscript and tell me how many there are in total :P

I liked how time slowed down when Vanessa went for the drones. That was a fun way to approach it. However, there was a LOT of explaining. The narrative got dense and long-winded in a moment where it needed to be tense and fast-paced. Try cutting out as much as possible and keeping that action scene feel. Even though this is a good chapter, don't let it get to your head and forget to trim ;) Lots of places you can cut words still.

Here's an example of a paragraph I skimmed. It feels dense and bloated for the context, and slows down the read:

As he flies off, Vanessa gathers as much wind as she can in her spear and thrusts front and center. The bright green gale unleashed pierces the Drone, ripping him to shreds, before continuing on its path towards the pylon. Due to Nokor's silly attempt at obstruction, there's nothing to stop it from striking the sphere of darkness. The bit of wind she'd previously left by the first Drone activates now, cutting him in half with a ferocious gust. It strikes the precise spot to leave the hostage safe.


I loved Owen getting wounded, so I didn't love as much how easily he dealt with it. I'm surprised he can still run at the end there. This is also part of a larger issue: there's kind of a weird pacing thing here, where there's this intense battle, and a post-battle lull that's actually only an intermission, then we're back into the thick of the same battle. I expected the action to end once they "defeated" the enemy, by Vanessa removing Nokor's leverage (freeing the hostages). The way everyone was acting, with a release of tension, that felt like it should have been the ending to the scene. So it was weird feeling for Vanessa to basically say, "Okay, now continue!" I pictured Vanessa physically leaving them as she left them to fend for themselves--and actually I had interpreted it that they had to fend for themselves with regard to *healing*, and assumed Nokor was going to slink off or whatever. I loved that she left them to that hard lesson, but then when I realized she was actually asking them to return to that fight, I thought that was TOO harsh. Having to deal with healing Owen and getting back to the outpost on their own would have made sense. Standing by while they fight again didn't sit well with me. Especially after all the hoo-ha about bringing powerful people along to deal with this whole situation... and then she goes and leaves the two novitiates to mop up and maybe get killed (AFTER the conflict is done, too!)

If it were me, I'd structure this scene by ending on the note of Owen still unconscious and bleeding, Hilda needing to heal him as Vanessa takes Paula and goes back home (after dispatching Nokor). I'd end the chapter on the question of whether Owen will live or not. If you want to keep the second fight scene, which I assume you do due to Hilda's character development, maybe make that the next chapter, where it turns out Nokor hadn't actually left and was just waiting for Vanessa to get out of the picture so he could go in for the kill on the two of them out of spite. I think that makes the situation a lot more believable, and also has the advantage of adding even more tension to the second fight.

I figured I'd left enough room for doubt regarding whether Vanessa would actually leave them to die or not. Was that not clear, in your opinion?
This is pretty much what Ryouma did back in Almdalir, leaving Hilda to fight the Valnr by herself but still keeping a very close eye.

The generals came along to deal with the resident big bad who is FAR beyond the levels of Novitiates - anything else is fair game. :)

I didn't catch that Vanessa was planning to hang around and keep a close eye, no.

She never left - the only one who did was Paula, when Vanessa asked her to take the hostages away. I guess I'll need to rewrite to make it clearer that she's still watching everything.

Furthermo, Vanessa alluded that Ryouma would've also put them through trials by fire and even Owen acceded that she might step in - though he told Hilda that they ought to do this like she wouldn't.

User avatar
Mea
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Mea wrote a review · Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:17 am

Hey, I'm back again! I'm hoping to have these finished by Sunday.

I liked this chapter! Very action-packed and awesome, especially after Owen was dying and Hilda was just like nope, not going to let that happen.

It'd take half a second for the Drones to react to any hostile action and kill their hostages. While she could save one of them in a third of a second, she might not have reached the other in time. It was too risky to try, in that case. By moving his sword, however, this Drone will now require about a second to reposition.More than enough.

I felt this paragraph was largely unnecessary. You haven't really set up Vanessa as a Sherlock-esque character who calculates every move, so just saying "That's the opening she's looking for," works just fine. Having an entire paragraph explaining why kind of breaks the tension.

Psh... moron."

This line felt out of character for Vanessa - I feel like you could just delete it entirely and stick to "This'll be over before..."

This may just be me being a little bit overly sensitive, but I feel like you use just a few too many exclamation points during the fight. :P It's a small thing, though.

I'm impressed at how Hilda's willing to run after Henrik like that. Though I will say, I don't really like how Vanessa is insisting on not interfering. Among other things, I don't feel like it makes for effective teaching - if they don't know how to fight these things and if Hilda doesn't know how to heal Owen, as a teacher you don't just throw them in a life or death situation and tell them to figure it out, you tell them what to do and have them practice it before you give them a "test." Owen and Hilda have barely trained together at all!

I also feel like surely they've invested enough time and effort in Hilda and the others to not want them dead. Training anyone is a huge expenditure of resources, and there's no reason to unnecessarily throw lives away. I'd understand if this is just Vanessa's viewpoint, but if this is a policy the Scions as a whole go by, I'm going to call bull.

Finally, I felt like Vanessa managed to do too much in one second (unless she has some sort of speed magic we don't really know about). She shatters a sword, lops off I think three hands, flies across the room, and spears a Drone and sends it flying into the pylon. Now blink. That is the amount of time she supposedly did that in. There's no way that's possible, except with some form of magic. I think you were hinting at it a bit, but you should probably explain it soon or make it a bit more obvious that it isn't natural.

That's all I can think of this time! On to the next part.

I see your point with the highlighted paragraphs. I've edited the "moron" out and cut the other one down a bit. I still want there to be small analysis to make clear what Vanessa was waiting for. But, indeed, there's no need to go so in-depth.

As for Vanessa's speed... well, yeah, it IS magic at work! :P

See here:

Vanessa lets go of Paula and begins her move, casting a Haste spell with a flicker of her fingers.


Do note, all spells get stronger in proportion to the Scion that casts it and that includes the Haste glyph. A Novitiate's top speed using the Haste Glyph is about 130 km/h (I decided on this number when considering the passage of time I'd want in-between locations), give or take, and acceleration happens the very moment the spell goes off. An Ascended Scion like Vanessa will go WAY faster than that so, yes, she can pull all that off in the span of less than a second! This is why I said that, when Ryouma was hiding and observing Hilda's first fight against a Drone, he absolutely could have stopped it whenever he felt like it.

As for having Owen and Hilda not having practiced for a fight like this, they have. A Risen IS essentially a Scion and they've sparred with their peers over these months. Now was a good time to take off the training wheels and push them to the limit.

Like Ryouma, she can interrupt this at any moment she feels like, so she MIGHT just be acting. I had a few bits hinting at this possibility but, just to make it a wee bit more clearer, I've made a slight addition.

Cheers! :D

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Sins
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Sins wrote a review · Wed May 11, 2016 7:06 pm

Heyhey! :)

I'm getting to this a lot sooner than I thought, so yay for that. I should be revising for exams and not procrastinating, don't get me wrong, but screw it.

Okay, so I'm 90% sure I said this in my last review, but I very much enjoyed this chapter. I'm a big fan of action and excitement and tension and blah blah blah, so I always love these kind of chapters in novels. Some writers can occasionally fall into the trap of dragging out action scenes and making them stupidly dramatic, but you've struck the perfect balance here, methinks. I can definitely see an improvement in this battle scene compared to your first one too; everything's a lot more tense and exciting, so massive kudos there. Despite this chapter being dedicated to action, you've managed to get some good character development in too, which is awesome. Initially, I didn't care a great deal about Owen, but I was really hoping he'd be all right at the end of this, so that definitely shows how much that has changed. So yeah, really great chapter, and I'm not sure how useful I'm going to be with my critiques as a result!

Something I do want to touch on, but also emphasise that it's not a massive deal, is Vanessa's character. I'm not really sure who she is, or what to make of her because she changes a lot. Now I know no one is two-dimensional and only has one aspect of a personality, but I think the issue is that she can be quite extremely different, and it sometimes seems a bit random. I know someone (can't remember who) touched on it in here, noting how she can be like a teddy bear one moment, and harsh the next e.t.c. but, I mean, there's being harsh and there's letting two young kids(? not sure how old Owen is) die. I'm explaining this badly, but I just think she could do with a bit more consistency at times. Like I said, this is such a small thing and I am being picky, but just something to bear in mind.

On a more specific kind of note, why did the knight wait so long to relaunch the attack on Hilda and Owen? After Vanessa saved the hostages, Hilda, Owen and co. were able to have a small conversation about healing and what not, and the knight just stood there? Why didn't he relaunch the attack then, when they were distracted? I know he didn't really care about them, he was just pissed off at the fact he'd been outwitted, but surely that anger would've flared up pretty much immediately and caused him to relaunch the attack sooner than he did. Again, I'm being crazy fussy here, but it felt a bit odd to me.

Finally, this is super vague and I'm not sure it even classes as a critique, but I feel like there's not really much plot going on here at the moment. It seems like some larger conflict should've started emerging by this point, and I mean, not every story has to have a main source of conflict, but you do need a climax (and a lead up to said climax). It's just that it can create a slight monotonous feel, which can lose the attention of some impatient readers. Hilda left home to become a Scion, has done some training, and not really much has happened since, despite being thirteen chapters in. Please don't take this the wrong way because I personally like slower things and have plenty of interest in this to want to keep reading, but unfortunately, I can be quite a rare breed. And hey, I do like feeling like there's some kind of direction. As I said earlier, I don't even really know if this is a negative, just something to maybe think about and figure out? I'm sorry, I'm so useless.

But yeah, anywho, that's it for this chapter, I think. Your battle scene writing is definitely improving with each scene you write, and this really was a tense chapter. Unless there's some sudden twist, I'm sure Hilda will be fine, but leaving this on a cliffhanger is awesome nonetheless. And I want to know what happened to Henrik, goddamnit (some kind of undead attack, right?)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

As sweet as Vanessa can be, she wants the kids to learn self-reliance as they won't have a general present for every mission. What if they had run into something like this during a routine enclave? They've been at this for a good while now, so they can't have the training wheels on anymore. Vanessa's been around long enough to know the difficulties of a war against an enemy like the Valnr. If you can't fend for yourself, you die and then you either become food for a pylon or are brought back as a Risen. There's no room for coddling.

When you say "knight", are you referring to Nokor or the Risen? The Risen obeys Nokor and since he had lost his focus with Vanessa's surprise attack, he hadn't any orders to comply.
And like I mentioned in the previous chapter, Nokor knows he can't beat Vanessa. But with her allowing the battle to continue, he at least has a chance to kill two Novitiates. Had he attacked then and there, he would've been dead where he stood.

I do get what you're saying about the pacing but this story is really slow and really lenghty - I wanted to build on the character relationships first before things going down for good. That said, I HAVE been dropping hints that stuff is happening here and there... it'll just be a wee bit before it starts coming together.

That's totally fair enough, I got that impression from the chapter on the whole really, so that's completely understandable. I just remember her seeming al mysterious and stuff in her introduction, then being warm and quite, then being cold, and switching quite a lot. But in fairness, that could just be me and my confused interpretation :p

I was referring to the Nokor, apologies for being unclear (I've a bad habit for that). What I meant was that I didn't grasp why he didn't order the Risen to go for it (pretty much) the moment he realised what Vanessa had done.

Yeah, to be honest, I personally like that in stories so I'm certainly not complaining. I'm just thinking on a wider scale with people who might be more impatient. And I have noticed hints, in fairness!

Vanessa was never mysterious! :x

She was always super nice and friendly but that was because they were in Valarheim. You don't live long enough to be a general if you don't put your game face on when in the field!

Eeergh, that's not the emoji I expected that to be...



Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko