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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

War of Dawn - Chapter 10

by Costa


Chapter 10: The Pains of Duty

Hilda and the Valnr charge towards one another, her foe flinging a couple of Icebolt spells on approach. Hilda dodges, left and right, and keeps going. Closing in, she attempts a slash at the Valnr's throat. The Drone's reaction is immediate, blocking it with a Shield glyph. Pushing Hilda away she moves to run her through with her longsword. She manages to deflect it away just in time, though the edge still grazes Hilda's jaw. The missed attack is a good opening, though.

Hilda takes a step back to regain her stance and counters with an overhead slash. The Valnr expected that, taking a quick sidestep and blasting her away with a Burst spell to the chest. Hilda is sent flying backwards, only stopping when she smashes into a wall.

"Hrrmm... gods...!" Hilda flinches in pain as she rises from the ground. The spell hit her in full and something's seriously broken. Maybe a rib or two.

Adrenaline takes her mind off the injury, though, as she sees the Valnr charging the water elemental on her weapon. Sharp ice streaks shoot off from her longsword and rip through the air towards her. Hilda counters with a couple of lightning streaks of her own. Both attacks crash into one another, ice and electricity flying in all directions.

The Valnr dashes right through the cloud of crackling elements, her blade descending upon Hilda. She barely manages to parry the incoming attack in time, her knee bending under the Valnr's might. Acting quickly, she pushes the guard of her katana onto the flat of the Drone's blade, shoving it away. Before the enemy recovers, Hilda slams a Bolt spell into her stomach, knocking her far back.

A gaping wound the size of an apple has been left on the Valnr. Despite the gushing purple blood, however, she stands uncaring. Casting a Haste glyph, Hilda keeps up the pressure and closes in from the side. She opens with a thrust, dodged, and follows up with myriad slashes. From all directions, she attacks. The Valnr deflects it all and answers in kind. Hilda defends just as competently.

The two warriors exchange various swings, sparks and elemental forces flying from the clashing blades. Nothing connects on either side. That is, until Hilda's adrenaline pushes her into a mistimed counterattack. Amateurish. Her blade is caught by the cross guard of the Valnr's longsword. The Drone steps closer and pushes it aside. Hilda's wide open and her foe capitalizes on it, casting a swift Wave spell that flings her into the air. The Valnr jumps up high and follows with a mighty swing, unleashing a large crescent of ice.

Hilda gasps in panic and conjures a Shield to block the attack. Far too small for something like this, as a good chunk of the crescent strikes true. A deep gash is torn across her waist and down the base of her left leg. The impact also sends her crashing, hard, into the ground.

"Damn it... this isn't good..." she grunts, slowly standing back up.

A wide stream of blood oozes from her injuries and everything hurts like hell. The Valnr is just as strong as her – if not more. Plus, it's the better caster and has the advantage of not feeling pain or exhaustion. Hilda takes a quick look to the cage to check on Leona who's watching the battle, terrified. She's still safe but for how long? Hilda's not going to win the way this is going, and that'll mean the death of her and the two other captives.

Shishou, where the hell are you?! she thinks with rage.

There's no time for that, though, as the Valnr's coming over once more. Hilda's determined to protect this child, so she decides to try something drastic. If it gets her killed, whatever - what's important is making sure it dies with her.

Hilda brings forth a Shield in her left hand and shrinks her blade down to a size where she can hold it one-handed. The Valnr closes the distance and attacks as relentlessly as always. Hilda lets out a firm huff and does her best to hold the line. Her foe swings from up high, from the sides, from down below, and Hilda focuses solely on dodging and parrying. The Drone unleashes Icebolts and Waves which crash against her Shield, pushing her about. Some attacks still go through. Hilda groans in pain as she's cut in the arms, as spells strike her bones like hammers.

For two seemingly endless minutes, she maintains her defensive stance, never attacking back. She's waiting for the right moment to do so. It finally comes when the Valnr attempts a Burst spell to bash her shield aside, like Alexandra once did.

"Not this time...!"

She positions her Shield to take the brunt of the spell just so. The Drone assumes she's imbalanced and attempts to end her with a thrust aimed at the heart. Hilda sees it coming, however, and steps to the right. The thrust misses and the sword moves underneath her left shoulder. Perfect. Hilda wraps her arm around the blade and holds it still.

The Valnr answers this by unleashing a myriad of ice spikes from the longsword's surface. They pierce Hilda's arm and chest deeply and while she cries out in pain, Hilda holds on. During the Drone's momentary distraction at her move, she's positioned her sword. And, now, she commands it to extend. Her blade moves as an arrow, rising and piercing through the base of her foe's neck.

The Valnr ignores the gaping wound, raising her hand to attempt one more spell at Hilda's face. It doesn't come in time, however. Hilda unleashes a burst of lightning elemental from her blade and pulls it out the side, tearing out another part of the Drone's neck. Taking a step back as the Valnr reels, she raises the sword above her head and swings it with all the strength she can still muster.

"ChesTOH!!" she yells, as the edge comes down and cleaves the Drone in two.

No emotion is seen on the being's human-like face as the life fades from her eyes and she vanishes into dust. From her remains, a small glowing red light emerges and disappears into thin air - the Valnr's soul, she'd learned. Not that Hilda's paying much attention in her state. She lets out a faint laugh as the pain from all her injuries twists her grin. Unable to hold her weapon further, she drops it to the ground. Hilda slowly slowly turns towards Leona, who's poking out her head from the cage's opening.

"See...? I told you... you're safe... Ahaha..." she says wearily before falling onto her knees.

"Hilda!" Leona exclaims, dashing across the room towards her. "You hurt!"

Hilda's breathing is shallow as blood spills from her various wounds. The girl is very worried, unsure of what to do, but, then, a voice speaks out from the far side of the room: "Keine Sorge. Alles wird gut."

It's Ryouma, walking towards them as he casts a second tier spell: two nested circles, with runes written inbetween them, and the drawing of an urn-like shape with a spiral within. Unleashing it, a stream of glowing green wind emerges from his hand and surrounds Hilda; the gusts converge upon each of her injuries, pouring Prana into them. It doesn't take long for the pain to diminish and the bleeding to stop. Even her broken ribs don't seem to hurt too badly.

"There. That should do it until you can get to Matu," he says.

"Oorgh, thank the gods you got here, Shishou..." Hilda groans as she slowly rises off the ground, her face cringing. "Is the area clear?"

"Indeed. Every other foe has been killed, though there was no pylon," Ryouma then turns to Leona, who's hiding behind Hilda's legs. "Lil' Leona, I presume? She seems well, all things considered."

"There are two other men inside the cage, bruised... They're out cold."

Ryouma nods and squats to take a gander at Leona – she's giving him an annoyed look. She sounds annoyed, too, as the two of them exchange words in German. Hilda's a bit surprised at this, as she had no idea Ryouma knew other languages aside from English and Japanese. Still, knowing that kind of thing is probably very useful in missions.

At length, Ryouma chuckles before standing back up to talk to Hilda: "Indeed, she's fine... albeit angry that my delay caused you to be hurt so."

"Hmm, she has a point... what took you so long? These basic mooks shouldn't give you pause," she asks, her weary face frowning inquisitively.

A yellow smile stretches across Ryouma's lips. "Would you believe me if I said I got lost?"

"No. You could've sensed the Valnr," Hilda's eyes narrow as she steps towards him. "Shishou, where were you...?"

"Hiding there. Watching, he say," tattles Leona, pointing to the corner of a tunnel leading out of the room.

"Petze!" Ryouma exclaims and the girl answers by sticking out her tongue at him. "None of you were ever at risk, Hilda. I was absolutely ready to intervene if need be!"

Hilda's angry expression very clearly states she's not satisfied with that answer. "You let that one wander off so it would find us, didn't you...? And didn't you think some help would've been good when she started kicking my ass?!"

"I was about to... though I'm glad I didn't. You recovered nicely and can proudly say this kill is one hundred percent your own. Congratulations on your first Valnr!" he smiles.

"You're lucky I'm sore as all hell or I'd be wringing your neck right now... go grab those two and let's head back, OK?" Hilda grumbles, clutching her ribs.

"Yes, ma'am," Ryouma jokes before casting a gust of wind that picks up both knocked out men and floats them over. They've marks of a few bruises but, overall, appear in good shape – the Valnr would take care not to greatly injure potential sacrifices before the time is right.

Ryouma beckons Leona to take seat onto the unseen platform: "Alle an Bord. Why don't you get on, too, Hilda?"

She looks to Hilda for confirmation and she grants it with a weary nod. Grabbing the child's hand, both girls hop onto the spell; Leona still gives Ryouma the stink eye, though. The wind is, indeed, quite comfortable: like resting upon an incredibly soft cushion. Hilda doesn't mind it in the slightest, hurting as she is right now. Thankfully, the way back up to the main tunnel is uneventful, so they get to rest. With the undead and Valnr gone, it's simple enough to retrace their steps through the large holes burned in the walls and up the stairwell. As they make their way towards Almdalir, Leona falls asleep on Hilda's lap – she must've been exhausted from the whole ordeal.

Half an hour later, they arrive at the Zangari's makeshift tunnel. The metal gateway at the entrance to the hideout rises as they approach and Hilda can hear people inside yelling: "Boss! They're back! They got her!"

As both Scions enter, loud cheers echo throughout the cargo area – men, women and children raising their fists, tools and weapons in the air in celebration. Hilda isn't in the most celebratory mood as, healing aside, much of her body still hurts. Still, she manages to at least break out a smile. The noise wakes up Leona just in time for her to see Maria jump off the catwalk and dash out towards them.

"Mama!" Leona calls out, jumping to the ground and rushing to meet her. The two share a tight embrace and, despite Hilda's previous uncertainty, she can see genuine joy and relief in Maria's eyes. Maria speaks to Leona a bit, in German, before picking her off the ground and turning to her people.

"We've got our Lil' Leona back with us, people! Finish loading the cargo and we'll go celebrate upstairs – drinks are on me!"

The workers cheers are even more thunderous than before – Hilda flinches under the head-splitting noise – and they resume their work in a very frantic pace. With that, Maria calls a couple of her underlings to carry off the wounded men from Ryouma's spell and walks over to see the two Scions.

"I knew asking for your help was the right call. I owe you big for this, Ryouma," she says with a big smile.

Ryouma waves his hand in dismissal. "Not at all, Maria. Your intuition about there being an enclave was right, so we dealt with them before they became a problem... and I made sure to burn a few Valnr very slowly, on your behalf."

"Hmm, you're such a good man. Vanessa's damn lucky to have you," Maria laughs before turning her sights to Hilda. "Though you're looking a bit worse for wear, rookie. Had a tough time out there?"

"Yeah, kind of... but I'll be back on my feet soon," she answers in a strained voice.

Leona tugs at Maria's shirt, getting her attention: "Hilda... fight Valnr. Protect me."

"Oh? Then I guess I owe you as well. Many thanks, girl," Maria chuckles.

"Ah, don't worry about it... I'm just glad Leona's safe."

"So you say but I never forget a debt. Will you guys be joining us for a few pints?" Maria asks.

"Much as I'd like to, our job is never quite done. To say nothing of the fact that Hilda could probably use a bit of rest," Ryouma answers with a slight bow of his head.

Maria let's out a disappointed sigh before setting Leona back on the ground and firmly grasping his shoulder. "Well, that's a shame. But, listen, if you two ever need anything, just ask. Got it?"

Earning a big time mobster's favor feels a bit odd for Hilda but she figures it beats being on her bad side. Leona, meanwhile, has come over to speak to her.

"Hilda... you going? Already?" she asks sadly.

"I am, yes. Have to get these wounds looked at."

Leona pouts at this, staring at Hilda with those big green eyes. "Will... see you again?"

"Maybe... my job takes away most of my time, so it could be a while. But if I'm ever in town, I'll visit," Hilda crouches and speaks with a comforting smile. "In the meantime, you be good. OK?"

Leona nods a confirmation and, after giving her a tight hug, Hilda moves over to Ryouma for the trip back.

"Be safe, you two. Don't let those Valnr worms get the better of you," Maria kind of commands them.

"Not even once, Maria," Ryouma answers with a confident smirk as he picks one of his Gate Crystal Shards. "You stay safe as well."

Hilda waves Leona goodbye as shard hits the ground and starts manifesting the teleport glyph. Before they're whisked away, the child speaks one last time: "Hilda! You is...my hero!"

A "hero"... just listening to Leona's words sends a rush of joy throughout Hilda. It's been years since she's felt like this and even the pain of her wounds seems to momentarily fade away. Killing a proper Valnr was a proud moment for her but this, right here, easily sets itself as the highlight of Hilda's career as a Scion thus far. For the first time, she actually feels like she's worthy of her status and this fosters some much needed hope for the future.

As both Scions emerge at the feet of the Prime Gate Crystal, Ryouma can easily tell how Hilda's feeling from a quick glance at her face. "Looks like someone has a fan. Ours is a very tough job but very few things are this fulfilling."

"You can say that again..." Hilda sighs with a smile. "It makes everything worthwhile."

"Indeed, it does. Never forget the way you feel right now for it is that which'll push you towards greater heights," Ryouma says sagely, pointing at Hilda's head. "Now, you'd best go see Matu right away – I'll take care of reporting what happened to Lady Eliza."

Both Scions start heading towards the door leading out of the Crystal room when Hilda asks him: "Um, Shishou...if you don't mind me asking, where did you learn German?"

"Why, is it odd for the old Japanese man to know such a tongue?" he asks, placing his hand upon his chest and feigning surprise.

"No, no. But I'm guessing you didn't know it before you joined the corps?"

Ryouma chuckles lightly and nods a confirmation. "Your guess is correct. I chose that language on a whim, as I simply wanted to increase the pool of common folk I could properly communicate with. Thus, I asked Ragnar to teach me about... fifteen years ago, I believe."

"I figured that was the reason. Hmm..." Hilda mumbles while thinking a bit. "Shishou, do you think you could teach me Japanese?"

Ryouma seems genuinely surprised by her request as both his eyebrows raise high. That said, a grin also crops up on his face. "Oh? Do you truly wish to learn that one and not 'something from this side of the world'?"

"I'm fighting with a Japanese weapon, being trained by a Japanese man and I'm already memorizing some of your idioms by proximity. Maybe I've taken a bit of a liking to this stuff," she shrugs.

"Haha... Alright. It won't be easy but I'm certain we can find some time for it whenever we're not busy with more important matters. Still, right now, your priority is still to recover, so..."

Ryouma opens the door for Hilda and accompanies her towards the infirmary. It's already close to nine in the evening and the main corridor is starting to empty out as the Scions converge in the living quarters. Looking out the windows towards the training grounds, however, it's still possible to see sparks and spells flying to and fro. Some folks are getting as much work done as they can before curfew starts – Hilda would probably also be out there, had this mission not happened.

Halfway through the main corridor, however, the two Scions pass by Valarheim Keep's entrance. Hilda spots something a few meters ahead: a group of about five Scions huddled in a circle, with one of them holding a single small light between his hands.

"Hm...? What's going on there?" Hilda ponders aloud.

Ryouma takes a look and a dark cloud immediately sets over him, eliciting a deep sigh. "That's... a funeral for one of our own."

"A funeral? But... I don't see a body anywhere." Hilda asks.

"More often than not, it's not possible to recover one. Thus, we make do with the next best thing: the deceased's Spirit Orb, kept in the Hall of Soldiers," Ryouma says, pointing towards the small light whose glow is starting to fade in and out. "An Orb's connection to its Scion is unbreakable. When one perishes, while the soul ascends to the Altr plane of Aetonem to serve as their warrior, the Prana within said soul unravels which, in turn, cracks the orb."

As he says that, the Spirit Orb in the Scion's hand explodes into sparkling silver light which settles upon each of the five people present. A couple salute their fallen comrade, another cries profusely and the leader of the ceremony offers a prayer.

"A Scion's funeral involves unleashing the Prana in their orb, so that it may touch and strengthen those present. By doing so, a small part of the deceased joins with the Prana of their friends and comrades for the rest of their lives..." he finishes, observing it all with morose eyes.

Ryouma takes the time to salute as the silver light fades away, with Hilda joining him. Though she does not know who it is, she figures a fellow Scion deserves at least this.

"Do you think you knew that Scion, Shishou?" she asks.

"I – and the other Generals – have had a hand in training so many of our warriors... It is likely I did," he answers grimly before sighing and tapping Hilda on the shoulder. "I'll look into this later. Right now, we should get you to the infirmary."

"Yes, sir... and, for what it's worth, you've my condolences."

Ryouma lets out a single, huffing chuckle – not really as laughter. "I've heard those words more times than I can count over these past decades... I'm still not used to it, though I suppose that's a good thing."

The remaining walk towards the infirmary is silent, as Ryouma lies deep in thought. Is he pondering who the deceased could be, Hilda wonders. Maybe it was an old friend or an up-and-coming apprentice? Hilda's been down this road but she won't deign to compare herself to Ryouma – gods know how many old apprentices he's seen die over his career as a Scion.

As they reach the infirmary, Ryouma opens the door for her but does not go in. "I'll tender our report right now, so you go and get yourself treated. I imagine Matu will tell you rest for about twelve hours to heal everything, so I suggest you try sleeping early. Good job today, Hilda."

"Many thanks, Shishou. I'll see you tomorrow," she answers, heading inside.

Ryouma gently closes the door and immediately sets out to Eliza's office. There are many questions in his mind. On top of wanting to inquire about the deceased Scion, there was one other thing about the enclave in the Qusam tunnels that he didn't mention to Hilda. Casting a Haste Glyph, he runs across the hallway, swerving between a few Scions like a swift wind, and arrives at the commandant's office.

As he knocks upon the wooden door, Eliza answers right away: "Come in, Ryouma."

Stepping inside, Ryouma notices that Paula isn't in her desk. Eliza's, however, is the same as always: piles upon piles of reports and documents that she meticulously goes over.

"Paula's off training, hm? How is she doing?" he asks.

"Well – she's fiercely dedicated to our mission. All three of them are, honestly."

Ryouma follows her answer with a wry laugh. "I'm glad to hear that, especially considering the other two's... quirks. Hopefully they'll be easing yours and Julius' burden soon."

"Hardly. It'll still be a while before any of them are ready for it," Eliza replies firmly, shaking her head. "But you're not here to discuss this. How did the Maria mission go?"

"Quite well, ma'am. There was a small Valnr enclave, deep in the Qusam tunnel network; Hilda and I cleared it, rescued three hostages and she even killed her first Drone," Ryouma stands at attention and reports.

"Hm, your apprentice is growing steadily... though, judging by the absence of your paternal grin, I'm guessing that's not the end of it?"

Ryouma's face tenses up slightly. "Indeed. As I scoured the enclave for the enemy, I came across something... odd. A passageway of sorts, freshly dug by the Valnr themselves, leading deeper into the ruins – the walls around the unearthed area were marred with trace energies of ancient spells."

"Qusam spells?" Eliza asks, setting her quill aside and propping her chin onto her clasped hands.

"I would assume so, as I've never felt anything like it. Do you know anything about this?"

Eliza ponders the question for a few moments, tapping her feet on the ground as she flips through her memories. At length, she answers: "No, I can't say I do. I've braved the Qusam tunnels many, many times but never found anything fitting that description... Still, there are countless parts of their network we've never been to."

"From a cursory glance, the passageway the Valnr opened leads into an ever deeper, equally complex web of tunnels," Ryouma answers gravely, sitting on one of the chairs before Eliza's desk. "Add the fact that they didn't set a pylon in that enclave – rather close to a treasure trove of Prana like Almdalir – and it's not difficult to assume that they were there specifically to search for something."

Eliza listens to his theory, slowly nodding in seeming agreement. "Setting a pylon would eventually start distorting the flow of Prana, catching our attention... I do not like this. Drones wouldn't go digging about ruins unless directed."

"You're thinking a Valnr Knight is in the area?"

Despite the blank expression on her mask, Ryouma can tell that Eliza's brow is furrowing. "...A couple of hours ago, the Spirit Orb of Agustín Paredes – the leader of Outpost #57 – cracked. One of his scouts had gone missing earlier today, so he took to the field to look for her. Her own orb cracked about the same time his did and we've had no success in finding the killer."

That answers the question regarding who that funeral was for but it raises another much more worrisome issue.

"Agustín was a fine High Scion, so it would take more than your average Knight to kill him... and I don't suppose you've sensed a Wraith?" Ryouma asks.

Eliza shakes her head, before rising off her desk and moving to her office's window. "No, I haven't. My guess is we're dealing with an upper class Knight, meaning it'd take either one of us Generals or at least a very experienced High Scion to dispatch it... We'll have to reorganize our troops around the southeastern region accordingly."

"We should probably also ask the Zangaris to investigate that excavated area. Maybe they can find something about what's down there or it might lead us to Agustín's killer," Ryouma suggests.

"You may try but I wouldn't hold my breath for answers if the unearthed ruins are as deep and complex as the remainder of the network." Eliza turns to face Ryouma before continuing, though she's more thinking aloud than talking to him. "That said, those energies you felt likely indicate the Qusam left some kind of lingering magic, somewhere down there. Could the captives have been taken so that their Prana could fuel an attempt at dispelling whatever it is...?"

"At least we put a stop to it before they did anything but the problem is said leader wasn't around." Ryouma rises off the chair and salutes Eliza. "If you'll excuse me, I'll get in touch with some people to request their assistance; please give my regards to Julius and the others, ma'am."

As Ryouma leaves, Eliza sits back on her chair and quietly ponders this new information: a new, powerful Knight leader, inconsistent behavior by the Valnr and hidden sections, deep within Qusam ruins which apparently interest them somehow... She is not sure how all these things fit together and that leaves her ill at ease.


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Thu Sep 08, 2016 9:34 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Onward! Some new developments here, and more fighting. The most exciting part is when she starts getting hurt and really has to think to beat the Valnr. (Though I was a little skeptical that she was still standing and using the leg after that big gash). I did wonder why they haven't used the float spell for transportation before, but i think that's because haste is better. Is there a limit to how long they can be in haste form?

I'm getting a little lost in all the names and rankings and things. I feel like I need a spreadsheet to keep track of it all. Especially when Ryouma and Elizabeth are talking, I felt like the overall message was getting muddled in all the details. While I appreciate that *you* have all these things worked out to fine detail, do they neeeeeed to be in the narrative? It might be better to leave a lot of it to the underwater part of the iceberg.

Prose-wise, I think working on tightening will be the biggest thing you can improve. The fewer words you use to say something, the crisper the prose and story are, and if there's anything I think makes a powerful and staying story, it's efficiency. Theoretically, you should strive to get *every single sentence* (including dialogue) to forward plot, setting, AND character. Personally I think you're doing good if you can hit two out of the three. If a sentence can do more than one job, it should. If two sentences do the same thing, they should be one. Etc.

It sounds like things are set up here for Hilda to come back and either stay with Maria (eg on the run, injured or something?), or enlist Maria's help for something important in the future. I'm also wondering about Leona and the mission she was on. I don't know what you have planned, but if it were me, I'd for sure have those two men involved in something that comes back around later.

See you next time




Costa says...


Well, a whole lot of the things Eliza and Ryouma were talking about are stuff we haven't learned about yet. The two of them do, though, which is why they made mention of all those points. Is it unadvised to have characters speak of things that the reader isn't in on the take?

And that floating spell is meant more for transportation than for speed! :)



Megrim says...


The best way I've ever heard it is: "Confused character good. Confused reader bad."



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Mon Jun 13, 2016 12:36 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm back again. :D

Well then! This certainly is interesting. I really liked all the stuff with Lil' Leona. It definitely gave Hilda a bit more of a human feel.

I will say, I feel like I'm missing some of the foreshadowing I know you're putting in here about what's going on with the Valnr and the magical stuff. Whether that's because it hasn't been explained well or because I'm not reading closely enough to understand it, I'm not sure. Either way, I think your explanation of how things work tends to be a bit jargon-heavy, which might be why I sometimes have problems following exactly what's going on wrt the magic.

Something specific I was confused with was how the Spirit Orbs worked. If they can't find a body, how come they have the Spirit Orb? Are the Spirit Orbs kept somewhere outside the body? If that's the case, wouldn't they know whose Spirit Orb it was, since they'd probably have them labeled?

You also have some of the same things I said about battle scenes in my last review here as well. In particular, try not to have super-long paragraphs. Your first two especially are hard on the eyes.

Also, I don't really follow why Hilda wants to learn Japanese. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like since she doesn't need to use it really, why would she want to? She's just shown little to no special interest in Japanese culture, and as you and I both know, learning Japanese is not an easy task. I feel like she's underestimating what she's getting into. Just because you have a Japanese teacher and are learning a few Japanese phrases doesn't mean you want to learn everything.

It also put me off a bit that Ryouma waited specifically to show himself, letting Hilda defeat the Valnr by herself. Maybe it's just me, but I always think that's a bit of a jerkish move on a character's part, because in a battle so many things can go wrong so quickly, and she could have been dead before he had time to react.

Also, this just occurred to me, but what language was Ryouma speaking when he was talking with Maria? Because the translation thing only works with other Scions, so he would have been speaking in English to her, wouldn't he? I think something you could do as a little realistic side note is to show that he has to think more and maybe sometimes makes mistakes when he's speaking in English. (A really, really common one is to leave out articles like "a" or "the" and/or mix them up. Also plurals. Take it from someone who's living in Japan. :P) I think it would just be a nice touch, especially since he's not constantly speaking English -- most of the time he can just speak Japanese.

A small thing:

I'll tender our report

I think this is a typo?

That's all I can think of right now! I'll do the next chapter tomorrow.




Costa says...


Ryouma is speaking english with Maria, yes. I've had it in my list to rewrite the dialogue where he's doing so to add his accent but I haven't gotten to it. I'll do that soon.

And why can't she want to learn Japanese on a whim? I know I started as such. :)
In truth, she's taking a liking to the stuff after spending these months with Ryouma. I'll make a few changes to reference this.

Spirit Orbs were mentioned over in chapter 8, when Ryouma helped Hilda create hers. All of them are kept in the Hall of Soldiers, which is why they're always handy.

And you're underestimating how quickly an Ascended Scion like Ryouma can move! You'll get an example in later chapters but he could have easily interrupted the fight at a split-second's noticed.

Also, yes, I'm being deliberately vague with the foreshadowing and using terminology that we haven't been introduced to yet. My reasoning is that experienced Scions like Ryouma and Eliza would be making use of jargon. They'll be explained as we go along, of course.

Finally, tender can also mean "to present for acceptance".



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Mon Apr 11, 2016 12:02 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Here I am, at last! I won't ramble, so let's get straight into things :)

Things are turning a little dark now, I like it! I was suspicious of the dead Scion being someone we knew, and at the mention of Paula being away, I was like OMG. But nah, she's cool. I liked having that sense of tension over that though, despite no one we know coming to their tragic end. The end of this chapter suggests that something big may be coming up in the future, so that's all pretty exciting. It's nice to see Hilda developing too, in terms of her abilities and skills. You didn't make the mistake of having her defeat the Valnr with ease, but instead, she struggled a lot. It added heaps of realism to the situation, and made it a lot more interesting to read. On the whole, this chapter was another good one, and I feel like it was an important one. It'll be interesting to find out where you go from here!

I'll start my critiques with something super minor and technical. During the battle scene/scenes involving the Valnr Hilda was battling, you refer to said Valnr as both she and it. Basically, you just need to stick to one. Switching between she and it can be a little distracting and doesn't feel as clean. It's the same thing as switching between he and she really, which would certainly be distracting. It's super easy to fix; you just need to read ver the beginning of this and shift through it with a fine toothed comb.

Sticking to the theme of that scene, I think the battle could be improved a bit. At the moment, it's quite monotonous and doesn't really have much tension. The main reason for this, I think, is that you don't have much sentence variation going on. They're quite long sentences too, and this has a tendency to make battle scenes seem quite slow. What I'd suggest for you to do is to simply mix things up. Throw in some shorter sentences, but don't be afraid to keep some longer ones too. Variation is what you need because in real battles, some moments speed past while others seem to drag on forever. Smaller paragraphs could help too, methinks. As of now, the battle scene paragraphs are quite hefty, which can further make it seem slow. It also makes the scene feel a little too long, and part of me is actually tempted to suggest generally shortening the scene... but then that's probably just me because I have the attention span of a deformed goldfish.

Finally, this is another minor thing really, but I kind of want a bit of foreshadowing/hinting at Ryouma's discovery in the tunnels when he's with Hilda. I understand why he wouldn't have told Hilda about what he found because it's some serious stuff, but him revealing it at the end seemed a little too random. This is largely based on opinion, so please do take it with a pinch of salt, but I'm quite the fan of foreshadowing. Even something as simple as Hilda acknowledging the fact that he seems a little distracted. Just so that it gets us readers thinking hmmm... what's going on there? and for us to then be like OMG when it's revealed. I won't dwell on this because eh, like I said, it's an opinion thing really. It's just something that may be worth considering!

Anywho, that's me done, I think... Apologies for taking a while to get to this. Alongside my horrendous internet (which should be fully fixed now, fingers crossed), I've got a wave of exams fast approaching, which are becoming more and more distracting. On that note actually, I won't be as active for the next month or so, and so I may be slower in responding to things. I like to log onto YWS as a break from revision though, so I should hopefully be able to get to future chapters via that! You know where to find me if you have any questions or comments, anywho :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




Costa says...


I noticed the she/it thing during the weekend, actually, but didn't get around to fixing it as I was working on something else. I'll work on it and on what you mentioned about the fight soon.



Sins says...


Yeah, it's just one of those things that slips through the crack sometimes!




We all share half a braincell that bounces like a windows screensaver
— WeepingWisteria