Chapter 11: Insights Over Patrol
Date: 1003 After Dawn, September 20th
It's nine in the morning and Alexandra's called Hilda over to her office, set a few steps north of the infirmary. It is, as one would expect from a queen, quite the classy place. A large mahogany desk beset by fine chairs lies front and center atop a red carpet. By the walls, a beautiful – albeit common – set of armor and a shelf filled with assorted curios from all over the world. Behind Alexandra are two flag poles holding both the Corps' and Great Britain's flag. And, finally, hanging to her right, a painting depicting her husband and daughter, easily recognizable due to having the same flaming red hair as her mother.
Hilda has half a mind to ask about them but Alexandra wastes no time in giving her some orders. Her expression frowns in a mix of surprise and dejection upon hearing them.
"What? Patrol duty?"
"Indeed," says Alexandra. "Ryouma's told you of how we rotate our outpost crews every week, yes? It's your turn now."
This is hardly the assignment Hilda was expecting. It's been over two weeks since the mess in Almdalir and the best she's had was a tiny enclave. Of course, low Valnr activity is always good but she's been training nonstop and wanted something with more "oomph" in order to check her progress.
Alexandra probably notices her dissatisfaction because she soon adds: "And, barring special circumstances, there is no overturning this assignment. Every Scion has gone on patrol one time or another, so you'll simply have to do your part."
"Aah... fine," Hilda sighs – can't really say no. "Do you know where I'm assigned to, ma'am?"
"A relatively safe area: Outpost #12, at the north of the western region," Alexandra takes out a piece of parchment from a pile beside her and hands it to Hilda. "These are your orders, to be delivered to the outpost's leader."
Looking through the document, Hilda at least spots something that shines as a silver-lining for all this. "Oh, Paula and Owen are also assigned to this?"
"We tend to consider each person's relationships when deploying them – it helps foster teamwork and companionship. Owen has done this once before but it'll also be Paula's first patrol duty. Any questions?" Alexandra asks.
"No, ma'am."
"Then, off you go. Pack up what you might need for the week, meet with your partners at the Hall of Soldiers and head to your designated outpost," Alexandra gestures towards the door before turning her attention back to her tall pile of documents. Hilda salutes and leaves out into the bustling hallway, pondering if Ryouma, Vanessa and Ragnar also have to deal with as much paperwork as Alexandra and Eliza.
Monday is typically one of the busiest days within Valarheim Keep, as you have a swarm of people coming in from their deployments as well as those heading out. Those coming in rush towards their beds, the underwater lake, the dining hall and what have you to make up for the time they've spent without those amenities. Meanwhile, those leaving are busy packing as much as they can carry in their bags – food, clothes, books and more.
Hilda didn't have a whole lot of clothes coming in but last week, Ryouma presented her with a gi of her own, white with black details. The ease with which it fits with the Alterium armor quickly made it her favorite piece to wear out on missions and this time is no exception. Wearing said gi with some black woolen pants, she only packs her spellbook and an extra change of clothes just in case – she can make do with almost any food.
As she reaches the Hall of Soldiers, she finds Owen and Paula already waiting inside while people walk to and from the Prime Gate Crystal.
"Hey, there!" Hilda runs over and greets heartily. "You two haven't been here for long, right?"
"No, no. We've just arrived," Paula answers back with a smile.
This is the first time Hilda's seen her in armor as they've only sparred before. She's wearing a plain leather coat reinforced with Alterium chainmail that runs down her legs and is held in place by a studded belt, laced leather pants and two rounded leather pauldrons. Hanging from her back is her trusty halberd, a spear with a straight knife head flanked at the base by a crescent moon-shaped axe and beak-shaped hook, all fitted upon a simple oaken shaft.
Hilda turns over to Owen and, as usual, he's got that unflappable and serious look on his face. Both of them haven't worked together since her first mission and while they haven't exchanged more than a few short words every now and then, at least things aren't as antagonistic as before.
They'll be working together for a week, so Hilda tries to be as nice as can be. "Good day to you, too. Been a long while since we've been teamed up, huh?"
"Hm, two months," he replies, already sizing her up as usual. "Has that period of time helped temper your skill and spirit?"
"I guess you'll have to see for yourself, right?" Hilda answers with a smirk, trying her best to sound confident. Hopefully, they can put this matter to bed today.
"Indeed," Owen nods calmly. "Shall we be off, then?"
The two girls confirm, so they all get in a small line to be warped away by Wally. Busy with the nonstop arrivals and departures, he only bids them good day before quickly opening a portal. Crossing through, they find quite the clear skies welcoming them. This will be their home for now: Outpost #12, sitting atop Banks Island which floats amidst the frozen waters that separate the Northern Reaches from Canada.
It seems like the personnel shift is well underway as several people can already be seen at work. Waiting by the outpost's Gate Crystal is a fair-skinned man in his early thirties with short, wavy hair and a full brown beard.
"Last of the newcomers, are you?" he asks in a gravelly voice.
Paula quickly answers, shifting to the much more formal tone of voice she reserves for her superiors. "Yes. Novitiates Paula Monteiro, Hilda Solberg and Owen Kendrick. We have been assigned here by Lady Alexandra. I trust you are the outpost's leader?"
"Hmm, sent by the 'Dame of Light' herself? Nice," the man says happily. "And, yeah, I'm the leader here – Michael Hammond, High Scion of Sarfis. You ready to get to work?"
"Yes, sir!" the three Scions salute him before handing the orders given by Alexandra. Michael quickly takes a look through them, mouthing the words as he reads.
"Good, good. Says here you're on patrol duty, so go drop your stuff at the bunks," he says, pointing them towards the wide wooden lodge on the northern side of the outpost. "When you're done, come to my office and I'll assign your area."
Michael heads off, so they do as told and start heading towards the barracks. Hilda sees another four Scions already leaving through the outpost gates for their own patrol runs. Six more Scions can be see standing guard atop the stone walls, with another three at the observation tower – one of them concentrating on sensing any Valnr presence.
"Seems like we really are the last ones," she speaks.
"Then we should hurry to make up for lost time," Owen answers, opening the door to the barracks.
Inside there are several small bunk beds laid side-by-side, with a couple of tables and chairs set about the interior and close to a pair of fireplace set at opposite corners of the building.
"Huh... this is actually better than I expected," Hilda thinks aloud as she looks for what beds are empty.
She spots a free top bunk on the far right side of the lodge but, as she gets close, Paula dashes in front of her with a Haste glyph. "Sorry! You're going on that one there!"
Paula bears her "I know best" smile and points towards a bunk right under a window on left side of the building. It is completely empty... that is, until Owen steps over and claims the bottom bed.
"Paula..." Hilda looks at her with an accusatory glare.
She points even more insistently, pushing Hilda away. "The best way for you two to truly make nice is to stay together. Go with your future partner. Chop, chop!"
Hilda sighs dejectedly, heading over to the bed – no time to get into a discussion that she'd probably lose anyway. A pair of small chests lies beneath each bunk to store each Scion's luggage, so Hilda goes and dumps everything inside. She can sort it out later. Owen, however, has already gotten his things all organized, including a book that doesn't look like the corps' spellbook. Before she can get a decent look, however, he closes the chest and stores it away.
"Stare at my personal effects later, Hilda. Come on," Owen says firmly before moving out the lodge.
Hilda huffs at him but Paula looks like she is also ready to go, so she decides to leave this be. The three of them head out to the other side of the outpost, where Michael's tent/office is located. Over half of it is taken over by a large map of the Northern Reaches stretched across a wide wooden table. Several markers are placed throughout it, indicating other nearby outposts, towns, potential Valnr locations... as well as two areas enveloped by Dark Atriums.
Michael beckons the three Scions closer. "Come on in. I already know where you'll be patrolling today – about east of here, down towards the end of the Prince of Wales Strait. From there, further east towards Melville Island. Once you get around the center of the island, you head back the way you came. Repeat."
Michael points at a section of the map that he's already drawn upon and marked with the three Scions' initials. Other patrols are assigned to other parts but theirs takes them a bit closer to something problematic...
"The Valnr have an Atrium due north of where you'll stop, so we keep a constant watch, lest they move in. From here, it'd be a hop, skip and a jump to the island of Kitlineq and its large settlements," he continues as the Scions watch attentively. "Keep an eye out for undead packs from the Atrium and if you spot an enclave, relay that intel immediately. Got it?"
Everyone confirms, so Michael picks up an unenchanted Comm. Crystal from a pile by the table, charges it up with his Prana and passes it to Owen. "Since you're going around 'Prince of Wales Strait', I reckon it's only fair for the resident Englishman to take charge of this. Here you go."
"As you wish, sir," Owen salutes firmly. "I'm Welsh, mind."
"Even better! Now get going and grab a Gate Crystal Shard over there. Be back here by 1800, when the next patrol will relieve you."
Michael indicates a small batch of shards sitting atop a small table by the entrance of his tent. Owen picks one and stuffs in into a small satchel hanging from his waist.
"Want me to hang onto that?" Hilda pokes him. "Don't wanna risk that satchel coming loose and some Valnr grabbing the shard, right?"
"I'd have expected you to know this by now... the Valnr can't make use of them," Owen says with his voice bearing a slight tinge of lordliness.
"Would you be so kind as to educate me, then, sir?" Hilda sasses, mimicking his accent.
Paula jumps into the conversation, hoping to nip any hostility at the bud. "Once energized, a shard converts itself - and nearby things - into elements and Prana. Then, they go through the flow and back to their original Gate Crystal. A Valnr's Prana, what with its incompatibility with ours, would simply be destroyed if it tried doing that."
"Which is why these shards are useless to them. Understood?" Owen adds as the three Scions head towards the outpost's wooden gate.
Hilda sighs, annoyed that she didn't think to ask Ryouma before and be spared the lecture. "Yeah, yeah, I got it. Thanks."
With a signal from Owen, one of the Scions assigned to guard the outpost's entrance pushes the portcullis up via a small Earth construct that materializes after a spell. Stepping outside, it is readily apparent that the island is quite empty: dark, treeless soil marred with snow stretches out as far as the eye can see. Patches of grass and shrubs are the only plant life found, though it is enough to feed a small pack of caribou seen not too far away from the outpost.
"Not a whole lot going on around here, huh?" Hilda sighs, scanning the landscape for anything significant. There isn't.
"But you heard Lord Michael – this island serves to keep the Valnr from reaching nearby settlements, so it's important," Paula counters.
Owen, meanwhile, is already casting a Haste Glyph and getting ready to set off. "Every centimeter is important in a war of attrition. To say nothing of the fact that the local flora and fauna would still provide a decent source of Prana for the Valnr. With me, you two."
Both girls cast their own glyphs and nod in agreement. "Aye, aye."
The Scions set off into the empty wilderness, keeping an eye out for any encroaching enemies. It doesn't take too long for them to reach the edge of the island and Prince Wales Strait. All there is to see around here is dirt, water, ice, snow and more dirt, so Owen leads them due east. The path from Banks to Melville Island is very frozen from the overall cold autumn weather, so it's not difficult for Hilda and Owen to jump from iceberg to iceberg, until they reach land. Paula doesn't need to worry about that, however. She simply conjures portals of darkness to fade from one surface to the next.
They reach Melville Island at about noon and while Banks was just empty, this one is very dreary. Though they are in the southwestern part of the island, the Valnr's Atrium can already be seen piercing the sky above the distant center. The sight of it, combined with the knowledge that this meant the Valnr were definitely close, causes Hilda's hands to tremble slightly. Ryouma's soothing presence isn't here today, so she clenches her fists repeatedly in order to calm herself down. At least she takes solace on the fact that Paula and even Owen are with her.
Their patrol continues around the southwestern peninsula of the island, with nary a soul around. As they approach the center, they inch closer and closer to the Atrium. Soon, they can see how its area of effect envelops not only a large chunk of the land but also part of the nearby bay. Many dead animals – birds, fish, bears, and caribou – are found dotting its vicinity. Some corpses having already been reduced to bones but most as still rotting: the eyes have long since melted into mush, the flesh displaying gray spots that will, eventually, turn black and soft before drooping to the ground. Where the flesh has already decayed, the muscle and sinew can be seen to be suffering the same effect.
Despite them keeping a safe distance from the Atrium, the smell of the corruption is appalling and not even Hilda's normally steadfast companions remain unaffected by the sight.
"Damn these fiends..." Owen spits with indignation, his gaze firmly set on the pillar of darkness.
Paula bears a deep frown, shaking her head dejectedly. "Hm. Their very presence corrupts our world... What an sad end to those poor things."
"It's what they do. Everything they touch rots away..." Hilda mumbles, her eyes setting upon the tainted, gray earth around the Atrium and the rotted skin of the animals. She stays doesn't say anything but this particular smell of freshly corrupted flesh sickens her to the stomach. Breathing in and out, she calms herself down.
"Which is why our duty is to relieve them of their hands and their lives before they get a chance to do so," Owen says before turning his sight eastward. "And speak of the devils...."
All three Scions spot a Valnr group off in the distance. Hiding behind a nearby dirt mound, the Sight glyph reveals that it is ten Revenants and three Drones, all wearing simple dark cloaks that obscure their faces, seemingly on patrol around the Atrium.
"What do we do?" Paula asks.
"Mike said you were in charge, so I guess it's your call," Hilda adds.
Owen ponders deeply, drumming upon his crossed arms as he tries to formulate a plan of attack.
"I could dispose of single Drone easily but two would be troublesome... to say nothing of three, and accompanied by ten Revenants. We'll dispose of one of them in a surprise attack and engage the rest directly."
"Alright," Hilda nods, cracking her knuckles. "I'll grab one of the two Drones that are left."
Owen, however, raises his hand and gestures for her to stop. "No. You'll engage the Revenants only – Paula and I will handle the two Drones."
"What...? Why?" Hilda's face frowns almost instantly.
"I am not about to chance an uncertain plan of attack. This is the safest option."
Hilda doesn't accept his answer, scoffing in protest. "'Uncertain', yeah right... what you mean to say is that you don't think I can pull it off, huh? Doesn't it cross your head that maybe I did grow in these two months?"
"Maybe but I'm not certain yet," Owen answers her arguments with a completely impassive stance which only aggravates her further.
"What, and I'm supposed to just stay mum until you make up your mind? That's not how things work, 'partner'...!" Hilda glares at him before Owen takes a step forward, grabs her right hand and pulls it before her eyes.
"You have been quivering occasionally ever since we arrived at this island. Despite your claims, that is still a problem."
Hilda pulls her hand away, crossing her arms in a vain attempt to stop the shaking. "This is nothing. Hell, I'm already used to fighting through it."
"That is hardly a good enough solution and I know you see that, Hilda. Fighting a Valnr in this state is, at the very least, a risky decision," Owen shakes his head, telling her off with the tone of a chiding father.
"Everything we do puts us at risk! So long as the enemies are dead and the people are safe, what do you care?"
Paula decides to intervene, getting between both Scions. "Enough, Hilda; this will have to wait until later."
Hilda sees the Valnr patrol coming in closer and, with her jaw clenching in frustration, grunts in confirmation. With that, Owen quickly explains the attack and sends both girls into position. Drones don't have the intelligence to be wary of ambushes, so they'll capitalize on that. Hilda stays lying behind the mound and Paula hides into a notch in the ice wall overlooking the bay.and Owen moves beyond the Valnr's field of vision and ascends to the sky via multiple waves of flame which act as pathways for him.
He will make the first strike as he can't maintain himself aloft for long. As the Valnr patrol approaches Hilda and Paula's hiding spots, he begins his descent. His chakrams are in hand and, with the tip of his index and pinky fingers, he conjures a pair Burst spells. The gathered elements leave trickles of fire across the air, as Owen dives as a bird of prey towards the Valnr leading the pack.
The plan is simple: even the odds before the battle begins. Owen's descent is undetected until he is a couple of meters above the Drone leading the pack. By then, it is already too late. He unleashes both his Burst glyphs directly into the Drone's head, searing flame blowing it clean off. The Valnr fades to dust, as before his soul emerges from the corpse and vanishes.
Paula and Hilda pop out of their hiding spots and jump into the fray. Hilda rushes the confused Revenants and blasts four of them skyward with a wide Wave spell. Charging her sword, she follows it up. One, two, three, four swift slashes and the waves of lightning cut them down like butter.
Another four undead make a beeline for her. First, an unhinged attempt at clawing at her. Easily dodged and countered with three quick slices that cut massive gashes across the undead's body. Second, an attack from the back as she is busy with the first Revenant. The undead aren't sneaky, however, so she hears it coming. Placing her sword facing backwards, she extends it right through target's chest. After that, it's a simple task to finish it off with a head-splitter overhead swing.
Third and fourth, a pair attacks together. They do so stupidly, ignoring the Burst spell she's charging. As soon are close enough, she unleashes it and blasts them both away. After that damage, the two Bolts that follow are more than enough to finish the job, tearing wide holes through their heads.
Taking a quick look to the side before going after the last two Revenants, Hilda spots Paula fighting one of the Drones and is amazed by her prowess.
Paula, using her Haste spell, runs circles around the Drone via her portals of darkness. It conjures an Earthbolt and shoots it towards her path. The second the attack would strike, however, she is no longer in place. Instead, she's now at his back and unleashes a Burst spell straight at him. The Valnr is sent sliding across the ground by the blast. Before he can get up, Paula catches up to him via a new portal. She jams her halberd's axe into his back and, utilizing the momento, tosses him upwards.
Paula rushes him down and the Valnr, expecting a follow-up attack, conjures a shield up front. What he doesn't see is the portal that opens behind him. Paula vanishes and emerges behind once more, kicking the Drone to the ground. As he's careening about the dirt, Paula charges her halberd with elemental darkness and moves it clockwise. A circle of dark energy is left behind, splitting into five spears. With a flicker of Paula's hands, they rain upon the Valnr. He even manages to dodge the first but the remaining four spears impale him through the shoulder, chest, neck and head. Death is instant. Once more, the Valnr fades into dust, his soul also emerging and disappearing.
Owen has already dispatched his own Valnr and the last two Revenants are also gone. The patrol is completely wiped out and Hilda quickly runs towards Paula, eyes wide open.
"Wow, Paula! You kicked that guy's ass!" she exclaims with an amazed smile.
"Oh, it was nothing." Paula shakes her head, though her blushing face speaks volumes. "My teacher is very strict, so this was the bare minimum I needed to have done. You were also great."
"Yeah, against Revenants..." Hilda sniffs at Owen, who answers with an annoyed sigh.
"Easy, the important thing is that the Valnr group is gone. We should continue with our patrol," Paula argues sympathetically, placing her hand onto Hilda's shoulder. "I'm sure you'll have other chances to fight them, so be patient."
Much to Hilda's chagrin, however, the next five hours of patrol are quite uneventful. Despite the battle at their doorstep, no activity is seen from the Dark Atrium itself. She spends all that time with a sour expression, frustrated with herself for giving Owen cause to doubt her progress. She's moved past that "make him eat his words" agenda but they're still meant to work together, so some recognition would be nice.
It might've been easier to dismiss his claims when they first started but now that she's opened herself to his insight, everything cuts deeper. Hilda's started feeling like a proper Scion in Almdalir but Owen easily brings her back to earth with a scant few words. Hilda knows that's not exactly a bad thing but it certainly irks her.
Their patrol continues on, heading up the peninsula towards the center of Melville Island, back to northeastern Banks and back to Melville for one last sweep. Everything looks clear and the sun setting over the horizon signals the end of their shift. Owen charges the Gate Crystal Shard and they're whisked away back to the outpost.
Upon arrival, they can already see the new patrols already on standby for departure as the previous teams start coming in and spreading across the outpost.
"I'll present our report to Lord Michael, so you may both do as you will for the rest of the day," Owen says. Paula nods a confirmation but Hilda just angrily waves her hand in dismissal, turning her back on him and leaving.
There is still an hour left before dinnertime, so she decides to take a walk by the edge of island, a few meters outside the outpost. Nights are starting to fall progressively earlier as they go deeper and deeper into the later months of the year – the silver-lining is that it gives her more time to gaze at the sea of stars up above. Even better, an aurora borealis starts cropping up in the sky, bathing it in green and blue lights that swerve across the dark. They're not too uncommon in the Northern Reaches and the sight always beckons fine childhood memories of when Hilda would watch the phenomena with her father and brother.
"Heh... Are you trying to cheer me up, Henrik?" she cracks a tiny smile, sitting down upon the snow-marred earth. "Thanks. I'd say you shouldn't bother but... That's just who you are, right? I never really deserved a brother like that.'
Hilda picks a piece of rock from the ground and tosses it onto the frozen water, where it slides until falling down a small opening in the ice.
"This hasn't been easy –
at all. Shows how much we knew as kids, huh? Swinging sticks around, yelling 'sword of justice!', 'destroy the Valnr!'... Master Ryouma would probably like that but he's a huge kid himself," Hilda lets out a faint chuckle before lying on the ground with an uncertain countenance.
Hilda breathes the ocean air in deeply, watching the aurora dance away. "I don't really know how far I can actually make it here but I'm taking things one step at a time. It's the least I can do... for both of us."
The entrancing lights soothe her spirit and relaxes her body, even more so than when she lies upon her bed in Valarheim. Soon, she stops paying any mind to the passing time, simply resting amidst the snow. This sensation is about the only thing she still has left of days long past.
She is brought back to reality by the distinct ringing of the dining room's bell – food will soon be served. Picking herself off the ground and cleaning the snow away, she moves back inside to rejoin her comrades. As she approaches dining room, she is struck by a very appealing smell of chicken. She's not the only one, as the many Scions inside are already taking frequent glances at the kitchen, waiting for the food to come.
Paula is sitting by a simple wooden table right next to the door and waves Hilda to come over. "There you are. Is your mood any better now?"
"Yeah, sure..." Hilda answers dismissively before sniffing towards the kitchen door. "Do you smell this? Hmm... my mouth is watering."
Paula nods, her eyebrows raised with slight curiosity. "I do, though I'm more surprised than anything else. I expected the food of the outposts to smell... well, not like this."
"It usually doesn't," says a blonde Scion in a nearby table. "This is my fifth outpost assignment and, lemme tell you, most of the time they serve you crap."
"Guess we lucked out being posted here!" chuckles another Scion, a young Asian man.
"I guess we did," Hilda shrugs to Paula. "...Speaking of 'we', where's blondie?"
"I haven't seen him since we got back," she answers, shaking her head.
The room's bell rings a second time, signaling that dinner will now be served. All present Scions eagerly wait at their tables. Hilda's already holding her knife and fork in hand in anticipation for whatever smells so nice. She quickly loosens her grip on said silverware, though, as she's dumbstruck when Owen and the kitchen staff enter the room, bearing everyone's food.
"For your dinner tonight, we've prepared some chicken piccata. We hope you'll enjoy it," he says with a quick bow, as the plates are placed on the tables. The Scions waste no time in starting to eat, devouring the food like they haven't eaten in weeks. Owen himself brings two servings for Hilda and Paula before sitting on their table with his own plate.
"Goodness, Owen... Care to explain what is going on?" Paula asks, her mouth half agape.
"What is to explain? I know my way around a kitchen, so I requested Lord Michael to assist in preparing dinner," he answers matter-of-factly.
"Well, color me surprised. I guess you're good for more than just huffing and puffing," Hilda taunts with a sly grin before stuffing her mouth with food. "Hey, this is pretty dang good!"
Owen answers her slight praise with a humble nod. "'No warriors fight on an empty stomach, and well-fed warriors fight ever better.' my mother once said. She was a knight herself but seeing how my father was already training me in combat, she decided to teach me to cook. The book in my bag, since you were curious, is a compilation of her recipes."
"She sounds like quite the impressive woman," Paula says, eating happily but with a lot more finesse than Hilda. "Is she still active today, if you do not mind my asking?"
"No, no. She lost half her left leg during a battle about two years ago, so she retired and now owns a restaurant in Cardiff."
"I'm certain business must be booming, if her cooking is as good as yours," Paula laughs.
"Oh, she's far better. Despite the years of training, I am as amateurish as it comes when compared to my parents and..." Owen starts answering but his attention is quickly taken by Hilda. She isn't looking too good, her eyes blinking profusely and her face bearing a disoriented expression.
"Are you alright, Hilda?" Paula asks with worry.
"I'm... feeling a bit woozy," she says, like she hasn't slept in days. "What's in this dish?"
"Nothing major: chicken breast, some pepper and parsley I brought with me, a bit of white wine, flour—" Owen starts reciting the ingredients but is interrupted when Hilda drops her hands onto the table.
"W-Wine...?" Hilda gasps, running her hands over her exasperated, tired visage. "There's wine in this...?"
Owen raises his arms in confusion. "Of course it does! Cooking chicken piccata with wine is as standard as it gets!"
"Uurgh, blondie... din... jä...vel..." Hilda mumbles progressively lower until she slumps in her chair.
Owen and Paula stare at each other in silence with a look of genuine surprise and confusion. She moves over to check on Hilda, bringing her face closer.
"...She's sleeping," Paula says, baffled. "How much wine did you use?"
"Less than half a cup for each serving – not even a child would react in such a manner!"
Paula's normally polite stance vanishes for a split second, as she chuckles heartily at her friend. "I guess she is quite the poor drinker. Still, she'll be fine considering how quickly our bodies process substances."
"Lord Ryouma is known as a connoisseur of alcohol and, yet, she faints after the smallest bit... It's like Lord Orlen went out of his way to choose his exact opposite," Owen deadpans.
"Or, more likely, he found that the strength of her heart offsets those issue. Despite your reservations, I'm sure you've seen that," Paula argues, moving to finish her dinner.
"I did. Still, you cannot deny the fear, insecurity and sorrow hiding beneath her eyes... She's growing steadily, yes, but I still worry that she might crumble beneath it all. And that could cost her and others dearly."
Paula nods in agreement and props her head onto her left hand, looking firmly at Owen. "Perhaps. But what if that doesn't happen? What if, as a tree swinging in the wind, she bends but doesn't break?
"I don't think—" Owen starts replying but, this time, Paula raises her hand and interrupts him.
"That's right, you are 'thinking' – assuming. We don't know what the future has in store for any of us, so why should you assume the worst where she's concerned? Maybe all she needs to overcome that fear, insecurity and sorrow is some help from her friends... and partner."
Owen stares deep into Paula's steely expression, his lips narrowing. After a while, he grunts faintly: "There may be some truth to what you say... I'll have to think on it."
Paula cracks a satisfied smile. "I suppose that's a start. Now, come on, we can't well leave her here the night away."
"Can't we? She seems to be sleeping soundly," Owen answers, raising an eyebrow at her suggestion.
"That's not a very partner-y thing to do, hm? You grab her arms, I'll take her legs."
With a begrudging sigh, Owen does as she says. As the two Scions carry the sleeping Hilda to the barracks, the other men and women present make sure to thank him for the great food.
"Were that I could also appreciate it instead of hauling people around..." Owen grumbles inwardly.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I enjoyed this chapter a lot, one of the more interesting ones IMO. I think it's the combination of the new setting and patrol stuff along with the mix of the three characters. I like Paula and Owen, so having the three of them together is great. I enjoyed how their relationships developed and I liked how Owen's a good cook!
My overall impression is a similar sense that you could get a lot more bang for your buck if you work on trimming and tightening. You could probably cut the word count for this chapter (and probably the book) by at least 30% by that alone. The fight with the Valnr was an area that definitely felt more dense and fluffy than it needed to be (lots of flashy spells and blow-by-blow details, but not much that really makes a difference at the end of the day). I also felt like the dialogue, in general, is quite expository. There are extra words and phrases that slow things down a little and make it a teensy bit less natural feeling. For instance, some random examples...
The middle sentence in particular stands out as awkward to me. Honestly you could just cut it out:
"'No warriors fight on an empty stomach, and well-fed warriors fight ever better.' my mother once said. The book in my bag, since you were curious, is a compilation of her recipes."
Could be: "We keep a constant watch on the Valnr Atrium in the north, since we're a hop, skip, and a jump away from the settlements on Kitlineq. Undead roam the area, and if you spot an enclave, report it immediately."
From 69 words to 39!
Here's a really good at example that gets to the core of what I'm seeing in your writing. Look at this out of context, really look. Everything after "halberd" can be cut--a whole 26 words you don't need at ALL, because everyone reading the genre is likely to know what it is. But here's something to consider, even if a halberd were a made-up, story specific thing, all you'd need to say is something like, "a weapon like a spear crossed with an axe." You don't need the finely detailed, paint-by-numbers visual. I think this makes a great example because you can extrapolate to all the world-unique description you DO have, and how I'm always saying there's way more than you need for us to understand. Think of them all like this passage here. See if you can't spot the "crescent moon-shaped axe and beak-shaped hook" over-detailing in other areas of the worldbuilding.
Oh and I also quite liked her reflection and "conversation" with her brother's memory.
Yeah, I see your point with simplifying stuff - I'll probably be cutting a lot once editing begins. As for the halberd, I confess I did ask myself if it was needed to go into details but decided to err on the side of caution. Wasn't too sure if skimping on the description there would've given a reader unfamiliar with medieval weapons a hard time.

And I'm glad you're enjoying the characters themselves.
Back again.
I forgot how old Owen is, but I definitely feel like he's older than Hilda. He's just so serious.
I'm also kind of skeptical about the whole beds thing. Nearly everywhere, men and women have separate sleeping places (and for good reason), and it feels weird for them not to do that here. Especially since half of them are teenagers. In general, I don't think people would trust teenagers enough to let them have mixed sleeping rooms. At the very least, I think you should make some sort of excuse for why they have shared rooms.
Okay, this really reads like an infodump. To the point where I'm almost wondering if you're kind of trying to parody them, or if Paula's trying to mimic/make fun of their teachers. But it doesn't feel extreme enough to me to feel like a parody of an infodump, and Paula hasn't really been set up to be the sort of know-it-all that would say something like this. I would expect it from first-year Hermione, but not from Paula. If this was intended to be a parody, exaggerate it more. If not, try to work it in more naturally. Right now, it reads awfully like a textbook.
(And it may be that this is what you're trying to present Paula as, but I just haven't really gotten that so far. In my mind, she's smart but too quiet to be a know-it-all.)
The battle scene was a lot more readable, but it still felt quite flat in terms of emotion. I'm not sure if this was one of the ones you edited, but it's another place I feel like describing Hilda's emotions would benefit it. Especially describe her physical responses - adrenaline, the shaking, her heart skipping a beat as someone narrowly dodges an attack - all of these things will help.
Okay, when I think about this, this is a really, really cool image. He's literally using jets of fire to climb up into the sky! But when reading, I just skimmed right over it, because the prose doesn't make it sound cool at all. It makes it sound exactly like he just walked across the street. But this should be Really. Darn. Cool! It's all about punching up that prose. It helps if you have Hilda think it's cool, too - even though she's somewhat used to magic, especially these days, and has lost a lot of that sense of wonder, I think it would take a while before anyone standing on literal jets of fire isn't cool.
An example:
Owen jumps behind the Valnr, out of its field of vision. He stretches forth his hand and casts a wave of flame in front of him, burning brightly against the brown moor. He plants a booted foot on it and casts another flame, then another, striding upward like he's climbing the steps of {insert place name with steps]. Soon he's x meters in the air, ready to attack.
That's just an example. I'm not very good at this either, but the things I tried to do were use interesting, vivid verbs, and emotive language. "Jumps" conveys tension/suddenness, "stretches," "wave," and "striding" convey power/coolness, etc. Little bits of description help, too, i.e. the burning brightly part. (If you totally think this doesn't work at all, that's fine.) All this can be applied in general to punching up your battle scenes, or anything that's supposed to be cool. Coolness is very important in fiction.
I thought this dialogue was just kind of awkward. After this, it got better. It's just too many big words not typically used in conversation all at once, with really poetic phrasing.
Sorry I kind of harped on the same things again - that's just what I was thinking of as I read this. On to the next part!
Yeah, I see what you mean.
The issue with showcasing Hilda's state on THIS particular fight is that it's kind of a curb-stomp. Not a whole lot of tension here. On the subject of Hilda's trembling, I figured I can't point at it too much since I actually made it a plot point that she's actively ignoring it in combat. Wouldn't bringing attention to it beyond what was already done run counter to this?
I do agree with the other bits you mentioned and they've been rewritten accordingly. Owen IS meant to be overly formal, as he's kind of the prototypical "knight" persona - he was trained as such his whole life. Paula, however, isn't meant as a know-it-all, just more of a precocious child due to how she was brought up as. I've simplified the dialogue to make it flow better.
Oh, and the Corps has no issues with fraternization. So long as you do your job, it's all good!
Cheers.
Heya!
Not to sound like a fussy swine here, but surely in order for them to interact, it would make more sense for them to be on opposite beds of the same bunk... err, as in, both be on the top bunk of two beds that are close together? That way they have to stare each other in the eye at night
CYMRU AM BYTH. Also,
Spoiler
He's my new favourite. Should've guess by the name, in fairness, but I'm an idiot so y'know.
In case I've not made it obvious, I'm Welsh.
Legit where I'm from, so weird. Though as a reviewer, I find it quite strange that Cardiff would still exist this far into the future. It's a bit shabby tbh, can't really see it withstanding a massive war of ages.
Right, now I've finished obsessing over my home country, let's actually be useful...
First things first, I can definitely see improvements in your battle scenes, which is something I brought up in my last review. The scene here felt a lot quicker, tense, exciting e.t.c. and it didn't drag at all. I do still think that some varied sentence structure could go down well, like shorter sentences and what not, but it's certainly a massive improvement. I feel like this chapter was very character focused too, which I personally love, especially as something that was starting to bug me a bit was that I still felt a bit distanced from certain characters. I especially like the insight into Owen here because he's turning into someone other than the major dickhead who hates on Hilda, plus he's Welshh so obvs he's the best. This is probably one of my favourite chapters so far, actually.
Something that I don't even know is a critique is that I kind of want to see more non-Scion related things. I know how dumb that sounds, but what does Hilda get up to when she's not Scioning it on up? Does she have hobbies? Are there any villages Scions visit to relax, shop in, go to restaurants, pubs e.t.c.? Don't get me wrong, I don't want chapters upon chapters dedicated to this mediocre stuff or anything, but I'd just like to see a bit more of the world outside life as a Scion. I want to see Hilda being Hilda, not just as a Scion, is what I'm saying. In fairness, this chapter does a decent amount of that, so I won't berate you with this. Just don't be afraid to explore other things in Hilda's life, y'know?
For a nit-picky, small thing, I do sometimes feel you could manipulate structure, grammar e.t.c. a bit more to portray mood and atmosphere sometimes. This is kind of related to the shorter sentences in battle scenes thing I mentioned earlier, but I mean it in a general sense. For example, take the scene where the three Scions came across the animal carcasses. You told us they were gross and we did get some decent description, but I want you to make me feel physically uncomfortable. Force me to imagine the sight of flesh falling off jagged bones, the stench of rotting animal guts, envision the insects crawling along the glassed eyes of dead animals e.t.c. What I'm basically saying is that I want things to be graphic, and a good way to do that is really go for it with the description, use long (run on, even) sentences to cram in a load of gruesome imagery to portray the chaos of it all e.t.c. Err, is that making any sense?
Finally, one last small thing, the wine scene. That just seemed so bizarre to me. I'm a bit of an avid cook myself, and you put the tiniest amount of alcohol into dishes, and generally you put it in the whole dish (as opposed to pop wine into each plate), so that would dilute it even more as the dish is split up and put on different plates. I mean, there's being a lightweight, and then there's Hilda. At first, I'd assumed it was because she was allergic or something, but unless I'm being an idiot, that's not it, right? The amount of alcohol she would've consumed from the few bites she had of that chicken would be pretty much non-existent. I feel like I'm probably just being a raging idiot here and missing something obvious, but I would suggest explaining that a bit more so it doesn't seem so bizarre.
Hope I've been of help anywho, and you know the drill by now
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Heh, I didn't know you were Welsh yourself. If I ever have Owen say something complicated in Welsh, I'll run it by you first!
Scions DO get time off at rare occasions but Hilda simply hasn't had any yet - it's just been train, train, train, fight, train all day. It'll happen soon enough, mind.
As for Cardiff, remember that the conflict has been mostly limited to the Northern Reaches ever since the War of Twilight. We'll get there eventually but Great Britain did suffer damage back then - and its been permanently scarred - but its since been rebuilt. Scions also keep an especially close eye on capital cities, so the Valnr and necromancers seldom try anything there.
I confess I wasn't sure if I should've described it too deeply out of fear of making things drag. Still, I suppose I can add a bit to it.
As for the wine, it's meant to be bizarre, really - Hilda is extremely intolerant to alcohol and even the smallest, tiniest bit causes her to pass out. Of course, it's exaggerated as a mild gag (probably, I wonder if cases can get this bad?) but it is an actual condition.
As for the beds, they are laid about side-by-side by the head and footboards, so Hilda and Owen would simply be facing away from each other. Being in the same bunk at least makes sure they need to interact!
Ooooo please do, I'm fluent and everything *flips hair*
Ah okay, that makes more sense now. I'm quite awful for forgetting details of the war (and its aftermath), so apologies for when I do that! Your explanation does make total sense. You don't necessarily have to write lots in terms of the animal scene, but just be very vivid. In fact, being more blunt (and shorter) in the process, could even be a better option!
The bed thing is just my bad then, apologies! I'd imagined it differently in my head is all. Oh, and really, the alcohol thing is an actual condition? Yikes, that would be pretty suckish!