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War of Dawn - Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Tools of the Trade

Date: 1003 After Dawn, June 12th

A month has passed since Hilda was recruited into the Scions and Ryouma's wasted no time in fulfilling his promise of making a warrior out of her. His first goal has been to get her in fighting shape and used to handling her new sword. Every day, she's subject to thousands of repetitions of various slashes and thrusts, drills for attack, movement and defense, sparring, jogging, weight lifting... the list goes on.

Hilda's regimen starts at five in the morning and goes on until nine thirty in the evening – with only a scant few moments of pause to eat lunch and dinner – before heading to bed at ten o'clock, when curfew starts for those not on any assignment. Trying to sleep with every single part of her body aching wasn't easy at first but Hilda soon discovered that pain becomes less of a problem when she's tired enough. Thankfully, Ryouma had explained, Scions recover much faster than regular humans – she often wakes up feeling perfectly fine.

She's picking things up decently fast and already has an "okay-ish" – as Ryouma himself assessed – grasp on the basics of swordfighting. What makes it easier for amateurs like her to start out is that the Scions do not subscribe to any particular fighting school. Most of the training is meant to give the fighter a good enough feel of the weapon, and how to best manipulate its form, so that they can create their own style. Flexibility is key.

Ryouma told her on their first training session: "Widen the blade when parrying, shift its weight to maximize impact or speed, alter its length to suit the conditions of combat... Proper manipulation of the Alterium is part of what will pave the way towards learning to fight as a Scion. While most martial arts are built around a weapon's immutable characteristics, we make the weapons bend to our needs."

Once, Ryouma even made a quip that teaching a trained fighter isn't that much simpler than training an amateur. There are plenty of habits that need to be unlearned. If anything, this made Hilda feel a bit better while she struggled with the basics. And she is somewhat proud of herself that she's been able to pick up as much as she did in this short while.

Still, there's always that niggling thought that things would be far simpler for the Corps had Orlen given them a proper warrior. Hilda doesn't know how far someone like her will actually make it in this but, if anything, she's going to put in the effort to make Ryouma's work with her not a complete waste of time.

Another day comes, with Hilda dragging herself off bed at four thirty in the morning and making her way to the small closet in her room to pick up her clothes for the day. She has never been an early morning person, as one could tell from her heavy frown and squinting eyes, but she is, slowly, getting used to it.

The living quarters themselves take up the majority of the second floor of Valarheim keep, each of the two wings set with a large central hub that connects to the crossroads at the first floor. The central hubs are the main communal areas for the Scions and designed to accommodate a large amount of people. All about the area, you can see several crackling fireplaces, large and small wooden tables, comfortable chairs and couches, stained glass windows that rise to the ceiling, fine red and gold tapestries laid about the ground, shelves filled with books written in many different languages and three glass chandeliers to light up the area.

From these hubs, several small, candle-lit corridors lead to thousands of small rooms in all directions. These are as basic as they come, at least for the Novitiates: a single bed, a small closet, a pair of racks for weapons and armor and a lone mirror at the closet’s door. The simplicity of the furniture certainly contrasts with the overall elegance of the Keep itself – then again, these are the rooms of the rank and file.

Hilda, having come from a town as poor as Litnir, had no difficulty settling in, though. The harder part is just navigating the maze of identical corridors and doors, only differentiated by a small plaque, to find the room itself. For the first two weeks, she pretty much had to have someone guide her. Now, she has the directions memorized: east, up the stairs, west, north, east, up the stairs, south, east and third door to the right… It took some effort.

Most Scions wake up at six in the morning when not assigned to anything, so the underground lake is usually empty when she comes in to take a bath. The area itself is quite the impressive sight, with a massive body of crystalline water within a wide, silver-colored cavern. The walls are smooth as glass, like it was forged to shape. The lake itself is maintained by several spheres of blue light set in its deepest parts – the faint glow of these rises from the water and spreads throughout the entire area.

A high stone wall cuts the lake in half, separating the areas of men and the women. Much to Hilda's initial surprise, she heard from Vanessa that there are almost no incidents of rowdy boys trying to sneak a peek. Whoever tried soon learned their mistake when fire, lightning and more flew at their faces.

Hilda soaks in the warm water for a while, closing her eyes and listening to the soft splashes echoing through the cave. She has to take this time to relax as much as she can in preparation for her hellish training.

Sitting by the lake's partition, she angles her head to the men's area and calls out: "You there, blondie?"

"My name is Owen... How did you know I was here?" he answers, rather close to the partition himself.

Hilda isn’t too keen on him since that initial impression but figures she could try playing nice. "I saw those chakrams of yours in the weapons' rack. Not a hard guess, as those’re pretty rare weapons. So… How're things with you?"

"Busy. Between my training with Lady Vanessa and assorted missions, yesterday was the first day in a long while where I could sleep before midnight," he answers back levelly.

"Ah, I hear you. I've—" Hilda attempts to push the small talk along but Owen interrupts before she has a chance.

"I am not interested in conversing with you. In truth, had I any say, you wouldn't even be here."

And that’s enough of being nice. An annoyed frown spreads across Hilda’s face in record time as she glares at the stony partition. "You know, you could stand to be more friendly and supportive to your future partner. I've been training like hell, OK?"

"And now you can actually swing a weapon properly. Amazing," Owen deadpans.

"Oh, and I bet you were already carving people up before you could even spell your own name."

"Maybe not but, truthfully, that is neither here nor there. It takes more than simply being able to 'carve people up' to make one fit to bear this burden," he says before getting up and leaving the lake, grumbling. "Bloody fool..."

"Jävla pajas..." Hilda grumbles back, sitting half-submerged and with a heavy scowl. 

The sharp huff that erupts out of her lips sends small bubbles to burst at the water's edge, their pop-pop-pop cutting across the soothing sounds of the lake's waves. Not soothing enough, though, as she slaps it all away in frustration

"...Getting angry won't help, you know," says a voice from the far side of the lake. Hilda lifts her head to spot a serious young girl with tawny-colored skin and slightly slanted, dark eyes; her straight, jet-black hair is kept in a bun held by a pair of writing quills. Her frame is rather petite but her body already displays a few scars across her arms and chest. On her forehead, her brand is that of a pentagon enclosed in a single circle.

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know someone else was here!" Hilda blusters, inwardly wondering where she came from because she was sure the place was empty.

"I wasn't going to say anything but figured I should once you got moody," she says before casting a spell and moving next to Hilda in the blink of an eye. "Paula Monteiro... Novitiate of Lord Holfores."

"Hi-Hilda Solberg, Novitiate of Orlen," she greets her back, startled by the suddenly appearing girl. That becomes a secondary matter as she processes what Paula just said. "And, hey, what are you doing, calling me 'moody' like that jerk's in the right?!"

Paula isn't fazed by Hilda's accusatory tone, bearing a critical look on her face. "Am I wrong? His attitude aside, he didn't say anything false."

"I get it but that doesn't mean he gets to act like that..." Unable to come up with a better answer, Hilda simply pouts.

"If you don't like it, then take that as incentive to push yourself even harder. That's the only way you'll get respect out of someone like him – not by throwing a fit," Paula says with the kind of firm voice Hilda would've expected from Ryouma.

"Oof... you're pretty harsh for someone so small," Hilda grunts, reeling back from the verbal slap in the face. "Um... how old are you anyway?"

"Fourteen and this is how I've always been."

"Fourteen?!" Hilda gasps. "They actually recruit Scions that young?"

"Not exactly – I'm a bit of an exception. Most Scions are recruited at sixteen or higher," Paula answers with calm, likely used to this reaction. "In truth, it's only been about three weeks since I joined a brigade."

Hilda leans back against the smooth edge of the lake, giving Paula a playful nod. "Still, if you were chosen at that age, you must be awesome!"

Paula chuckles a bit. "Hardly; while I already knew my way around a halberd, I know all too well the annoyance of being the weaker part of a team. All the more reason for us to work at closing that gap, right?"

"I guess. It'll suck having to put up with a certain jerk's huffing and puffing along the way, though... at least we've good people helping us, right?" Hilda sighs.

"The best people," Paula answers with a faint smile. "And at least keep this in mind: when you're strong enough, you'll be able to get back at him during sparring."

"Hah! Now that's some good incentive right there," Hilda laughs. "You're alright, Paula."

"You're a fine girl, too, Hilda," she says as the two exchange a hearty handshake. "I wish we could talk some more but I only had a few minutes before having to go back to work."

"Work, eh? You already going out on missions?" Hilda asks.

"No, I'm still training for that; currently, I am the commandant's assistant."

Hilda's jaw drops at this revelation. "Whoa! A kid like you is Eliza's assistant?! And you've been a Scion for three weeks?!"

Paula's calm expression frowns, raising her index finger like a chiding mother. "That is 'Lady Eliza' or 'Commandant', all right? And while I've only served for three weeks, I like to think that I'm quite diligent and organized. Finally, between the two of us, this 'kid' seems to be far more grown-up, thank you very much."

"My attitude aside, calling a fourteen-year-old a 'kid' isn't saying anything false, no?" Hilda quips with a sassy grin.

"Very funny. You're lucky I have to leave or I'd give you what for," Paula answers with a wry laugh before grabbing a sheet of cloth and heading to the dressing area. "I'll see you later, Hilda."

"Later, Paula."

Hilda's previous annoyance at Owen has subsided after making the first friend in the Corps. She seems nice, albeit somewhat uptight. Most importantly, though, this was her first relaxing conversation since she joined. Training has taken up so much of her time that she couldn't really afford to chit-chat with anyone, even in the dining hall. Taking Paula's suggestion to heart, she was adding "make Owen eat his words" to her list of objectives from here on out.

Finishing her bath, Hilda dons a simple pair of black wool pants, gray shirt, leather boots and a white sash that has her sword tied to it. She sets out through the near-empty main corridor to reach the training grounds. Upon arriving, however, she does not find Ryouma in their usual spot – there is only this woman she's never seen before.

She appears to be about Vanessa's age, her flaming red, straight – though it had a slight front cowlick – hair descending parallel to her cheeks and resting upon her shoulders; her deep blue eyes exude glow like pristine sapphires and feel, while tranquil, as hardened as diamonds.

On her forehead lie the three nested circles of an Ascended Scion, and, at the center, what looks like a square surrounded on all sides by interconnected crescent-moons. She soon notices Hilda's approach and beckons her over with a warm smile.

"Hilda Solberg, yes? Ryouma was sent into an emergency dispatch halfway through the night and requested that I see to your training had he not returned in time."

The woman is a bit taller than Hilda but with a much fitter physique that bears marks of years of combat in the form of several scars across her arms and neck. She's wearing a sleeveless leather tunic, held together by a simple belt, and some black cloth pants.

Her voice bears a calm and friendly tone but Hilda can feel a very dignified aura around her. She's not haughty but, at the same time, stands as though she's a giantess among men. The reason why becomes evident as soon as she mentions her name.

"I am Alexandra Hyland-Langdon Vanhanen, general of Lady Sarfis the goddess of order, wisdom and guardian of heaven's gates. A pleasure to make your acquaintance," she says and Hilda's eyes grow wide, as they would have for any European man or woman.

"The Alexandra Hyland-Langdon? As in, the Queen of England?" she exclaims.

Alexandra lets out a quick sigh, waving her hand in dismissal. "I am simply a Scion who fell in love and married a wonderful man who happened to be King. That hardly requires such a reaction, I think.”

Her nonchalant attitude surprises Hilda just as much as finding out that the queen of one of the mightiest nations on the planet was a leader of the Corps. As a northerner, however, something else quickly overpowers her shock and draws her attention.

"Wait, and your last name... did you say 'Vanhanen'?" she asks.

"Indeed, I did. And before you ask, yes, I am Finnish and a descendant of Grand Scion Eliina Vanhanen – as is my brother, Ragnar. He's the general of Lord Holfores the god of knights, discipline, mountains and plains."

A queen, a general and a descendant to one of humanity's greatest heroes… Hilda has just met someone as intimidating as the commandant and this woman didn't even need to speak with crushing authority. Her awestruck stare, however, is only met with a friendly gaze.

"Um... your majesty... I-it's an honor to meet you," she stutters, trying to sound as respectful as possible.

"In that case, I would ask that you stop with that title. Who you are outside the Corps has no bearing within the organization itself," Alexandra answers firmly but still maintaining her calm demeanor. "If you must call me anything, do as you would any other superior officer."

"Y-yes, your m— Yes, ma'am," Hilda confirms, eliciting a quick chuckle from Alexandra.

"I trust you are not as nervous with Ryouma, hm? Just treat me as you would him and I'll be happy."

Hilda pale skin blushes slightly at her suggestion. "Then I would need to start calling you 'Shishou'... that is, 'Master', ma'am.”

"Oh, he's already gotten you calling him that? Usually it takes longer for his antics to sink in," Alexandra chuckles as one would to a posturing child. "But no matter, you may call me whatever suits you. Come over here and we'll begin."

Hilda follows her right over, her eyes glowing with excitement over the thought of learning from such an impressive woman. As she approaches, however, she is confused to see that Alexandra hasn't any training equipment in place – there is only a small box on her hands.

"Um... what training will this be, ma'am?"

"Ryouma told me that you’ve been advancing nicely in terms of combat abilities, so we believed it was high time you were initiated in spellweaving," Alexandra answers while opening the box to reveal several colored stones: red, blue, green, orange, violet, dark blue and white. "There are seven elemental forces that form the basis for all matter in this world and each of these stones in a mass of one; they are, respectively, fire, water, wind, earth, lightning, darkness and light."

She gestures for Hilda to take a seat on the tiled floor and positions the stones before her: Taking a closer look, Hilda can see the swirling elements within: grains of sand, flickers of fire, bubbles of water, streaks of electricity, a swerving air current and both a deep blue and a pure white glowing spheres.

"Like the Alterium in our weapons, the elements are commanded via the Prana you wield; however, the process is slightly more complicated. Every element has a frequency, so you must first attune your Prana to it before you can make your commands 'heard'," Alexandra continues. "Doing so is not easy, however, as attuning one's Prana requires not only great focus but also an understanding on the nature of that element – which, in most cases, can take many years to attain."

"But there's a way around that… right, ma'am?" Hilda asks, already expecting this to entail another grueling type of training.

Alexandra points at her and confirms with an energetic nod. "Very good. There is an exception in that every person is naturally attuned to an element. Ryouma has told you of how a person's isolated from the flow of Prana when their body is formed, yes? Before that happens, the body is constantly absorbing from the flow and that forms the essence of your being, always attuned to one element."

Keeping a steady eye on the general, Hilda starts getting a sense of déjà vu – seems that Alexandra enjoys her lectures as much as Ryouma. That being said, she wouldn’t expect a queen to be as playful as him.

"Okay but how can you tell which element you're naturally attuned to?" Hilda asks, confused but eager to start casting spells of her own. Over this past month, she's seen amazing displays of magic from the other Scions and it was a bit of a bummer that she couldn't even make some sparks.

"That is what these stones are for; take each of them in hand and visualize an element in your head. If you're naturally attuned to it, you'll get a reaction."

What kind of reaction? It's not gonna blow up on my face, right? Hilda thinks. Erm... let's start with something safe - like light!

Grabbing the white stone, Hilda closes her eyes and thinks of light... but nothing happens. The silver sphere within doesn’t change one bit. She moves on to wind, earth and, then, to water, but meets equal failure, always under Alexandra's attentive gaze.

When Hilda does so with the lightning stone, however, the electricity inside it starts swirling faster and glowing.

"And there we have it: lightning." Alexandra proclaims. "By simply visualizing that element, you've already started exerting influence over it – that is only the case when you're naturally attuned."

"What happens now?" Hilda asks.

"Next, I want you to make this..."

As she says that, Alexandra conjures a small silver light upon her hand and expands it into a single circle; moving her fingers twice, she draws an upwards-facing arrowhead within.

"This is what we call a 'spell glyph', essentially a written command to the elements. You conjure it by visualizing its effect in your mind and using your Prana to organize the elements in the proper shape; once you release it, the command goes through and the spell is cast," Alexandra says, showing Hilda the glyph up close.

She has never seen anything quite like it before joining the Corps. The glyph floats atop Alexandra’s hands, every transparent silver line, shimmering like diamonds, held in place by an invisible force. Alexandra clutches it and gestures as if flicking a rock away.

The glyph vanishes and, in its place, emerges a small ball of silver light that travels from Alexandra’s hands and strikes a distant training dummy with a loud crash.

"That was the glyph for a basic Bolt spell, the simplest one in our repertoire. Visualize a projectile of electricity hitting your target and try drawing it," Alexandra turns back to her and speaks.

Sounds easy enough, Hilda raises her eyebrows and gives a confident nod. A circle with an arrowhead inside? Visualize a ball of electricity hitting the dummy? I can do that.

As she tries waving her hand around to draw the glyph, however, the elements simply fade away instead of staying in position.

"Elements are less cooperative than Alterium and they'll run off if you don't keep them pinned," Alexandra says with a motherly smile. "You must concentrate on every single speck of the lightning element that you're trying to command – let the Prana bear the form you want them to take and force them to stay in position."

"OK, I understand. Ichiisenshin...!" Hilda says to help herself focus, closing her eyes to try again.

"… Her, too, Ryouma…?" Alexandra groans, quietly so Hilda doesn’t hear, when faced with the possibility of a second distillery of idioms.

For an hour, Hilda sits upon the tiles of the training grounds and waves her hand around in an attempt to command the unruly elements. Like children, they scatter in all directions following a split-second of distraction. Still, bit by bit, she makes progress as specks of electricity keep in place.

"Hrrmm... come on, come on...!" mumbles Hilda, as she fixates the final centimeters of the finished glyph. "Aha! Here we—!"

Her mirth is interrupted as, the second the glyph closes, it erupts in a wild surge of electricity right around her face. Blinded and with her ears buzzing from the loud crack of the spell, Hilda rubs her eyes as Alexandra’s face slowly clears up before her.

"You focused so much on drawing the glyph that your visualization of the spell itself went awry; this can result in the elemental energies acting... unpredictably," Alexandra says, trying her best to keep herself from laughing at Hilda's singed, seething visage.

Hilda takes five minutes to recompose herself after this. Her enraged yells echo across the training grounds but, thankfully, Alexandra doesn’t understand what she’s yelling. It seems that blinding anger can push you to a point where you stop transmitting you speech over the Prana. That’s good because some of the things Hilda yelled weren’t thing she’d want a general to hear.

After another hour of training, she is successful in focusing her mind enough that the glyph stays in place and with good visualization.

When Hilda clutches and flings the glyph, a small, violet-colored ball of swerving electrical currents erupts from her hands and flies at the dummy – her very first spell.

"Yes! Finally!" she cheers, punching the air with joy. "Aarr…! Is it always this difficult?"

"For first-time casters? Absolutely. I've seen people take the better part of a day to get it right, so you actually did pretty well," Alexandra says with a satisfied look. "Of course, you still need much more training before you can use spells in battle. Now that you see how it's done, you'll want to aim towards casting these as fast as possible."

"And how quick can you get? How many spells are there?" Hilda asks, curious to the obstacles ahead.

"Speed is determined by your mastery at bending the elements; train hard and, soon enough, you should be able to cast them in about two, three seconds. In due time, your mastery will be such that you'll materialize entire glyphs as easily as you breathe."

Alexandra punctuates this by simply clenching and opening her right hand to reveal a complete Bolt glyph floating inside. It didn’t even take her a second and that alone shocks Hilda.

Cancelling her previous spell, Alexandra demonstrates several different glyphs in her hand. "As for how many spells, there are hundreds of them, ranging from tier one – like Bolt – to incredibly complex tier four glyphs. Mind, each tier increase requires an exponentially greater amount of Prana to command the elements, so you'll probably be unable to cast anything above tier one until you unlock more seals."

Hundreds of spells and this was the simplest one... Hilda groans inwardly as she observes the spells shifting in the general’s hands. Ooh, my head hurts.

"But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let me show you something that I'm certain you'll like," Alexandra says, drawing the weapon she carried on her waist. A seventy five centimeter arming sword of the usual Alterium color and wave pattern but with a silver guard, shaped like a pair of wings set with a ruby in the center, plus a diamond-shaped silver pommel decorated with beautiful carvings of storks and lions. "If you're holding an Alterium weapon and you visualize an element you're attuned to..."

Saying this, waves of silver light begin materializing and wafting around her sword – like there’s a very fine veil floating around it. Hilda gasps at the display, the light glittering amid her widened eyes. Alexandra gestures towards Hilda’s own weapon. "Go on, try it."

"Alright, let's see..." Hilda draws her sword and, as before, starts thinking lightning.

Soon, a violet glow surrounds the katana as electricity starts darting about its surface. Amazed, Hilda moves the blade around and watches as the elements leave trails in the air.

"Alterium's sensitivity to Prana makes it so you can also attune your weapon. Your will does not travel through the blade, however, so you cannot weave spells with it but you can use it to control the raw elements," Alexandra explains.

As a demonstration, she once more holds out her sword and gathers light onto it. As the elements start waving about it, she does a quick horizontal slash across the air. Right then, a crescent moon-shaped wave of silver energy flies off from her blade and strikes at another dummy.

"Spells have more varied uses but if you're looking for simple ranged attacks, these will serve you nicely," she explains.

Hilda isn’t really listening anymore, though. Laughing like an excitable child, she charges her sword and slashes and thrusts about the air. With every attack, streaks of lightning dart off her weapon and swerve over to nearby dummies.

"Ahaha! But this is awesome! So much better than spells!" she answers with glee.

Alexandra lifts an eyebrow at that assertion. "Maybe. But, then, tell me: how would this help you against an enemy that's using his own spells against you?"

"Uh... you can dodge or intercept the spell with one of these attacks?" Hilda answer reeks of doubt. She can't really think of anything better, so she just says the first thing that comes to mind.

"Oh? Could you dodge or intercept all of these, then?" Alexandra huffs and waves her hand.

Hilda can only see a glyph materialize for a split second before it fades away and she finds herself surrounded on all sides by hundreds of LightBolts, all waiting for the signal to attack.

Hilda freezes in place as Alexandra continues: "As good as your weapon-based attacks may be, there's a limit to what they can do by themselves; the same applies for spellweaving. One is not better than the other and mastery of both is necessary for all Scions, understand?"

"I do, I do! Sorry!" Hilda yells, panicking as the LightBolts inch closer to her.

"Excellent. Now, put your sword away because there is a pair of essential spells for you to learn ASAP," Alexandra says with a warm smile, dispelling her attack and disregarding Hilda's pouty face. "This is the Shield glyph; as the name says, visualize the elements defending you and conjure a single circle with a pentagon within."

As she unleashes the spell, light gathers in front of Alexandra's right hand in the shape of a transparent silvery wall. It is then that Hilda catches a glimpse of a glowing symbol on the back of said hand: a small circle that twists outward to assume the shape of a ten-pronged star surrounded by a few unknown runes. Odd, she thinks, but the priority now is keeping up with Alexandra's lecture.

"You can keep this in your hand like a proper shield to block up-front attacks or you can materialize it around you – once you're strong enough, you may even shield your entire body at once," she says and even Hilda begrudgingly admits that this sounds very important. "Next in your list of essentials is the Haste glyph – a single circle with two right-facing arrowheads."

Hilda recognizes this spell glyph as the one Owen used the time she met him. A silver glow appears around Alexandra and she starts moving around so fast that she vanishes. Hilda’s eyes can’t keep up, finding only a trail of light that is left in her wake.

"This spell allows you to ride the elements and move oh-so-much faster than any normal human could; visualize yourself moving at great speeds, use the glyph to gather an attuned element around you and off you go. Let's see you try these two."

Hilda groans at the thought of spending another two hours bashing her head against the proverbial wall. She decides to start with Shield as even though the idea of zipping across the tundra is very appealing, not being hit with fireballs seems more of a priority. Thankfully, it only takes thirty minutes this time.

"And here... we... go!" Hilda exclaims as she finishes the glyph, creating a transparent, violet-colored wall in front of her left hand. Currents of electricity dash across the wall's surface as it hums softly.

"Hmm, not bad at all – it looks fine," says Alexandra, inspecting the spell up-close. "Now, let's give you some experience in its usage. The more common undead and Valnr Drones you'll fight lack the intellect for subterfuge, so they'll always attack head-on – stand your ground and we’ll see how well you hold."

Valnr Drone? Hilda wonders but hasn’t the time to put it into question. Alexandra conjures a few dozen Lightbolts right above her head and begins firing. Each bolt hits the shield with a heavy impact but, if anything, Ryouma's nonstop training has given her a pretty solid stance. She’s pushed back but holds herself upright.

After the last bolt, Hilda looks over to see if there's anything else incoming and only has time for a quick gasp as Alexandra closes the distance. She bashes Hilda's Shield aside with a small explosion of silver light and brings her sword a hair's breadth away from the stunned girl's neck.

"You blocked well but you should never assume that that is all, especially against foes as flexible as the Valnr. Always be ready to react to follow-up spells or melee attacks, lest your defense suffer," she scolds before sheathing her sword again.

"You didn't tell me you were gonna do that..." Hilda sniffs while rubbing her neck to make sure everything was in place.

A sly smirk emerges on Alexandra's lips. "Indeed, I didn't. Try casting the Haste glyph now."

Do all generals get their jollies out of abusing grunts or just the ones I'm stuck with? Hilda mumbles inwardly as she begins casting.

Twenty minutes to get this one right – she' getting better!

"OK, now what?" she asks, as the lightning element begins coursing around her, surrounding her body is a violet aura.

"Try running, girl. But DO watch where you're going, yes?"

Hilda figures Alexandra is joking – she isn’t. Her first dash goes by so quickly, it almost ends with her running face-first into a wall two seconds after starting. After that, however, she quickly gets the hang of it. Her speed isn't as great as Alexandra's but she still dashes across the massive training grounds very quickly, arcs of electricity trailing behind her.

"Wow! Now this is a fun spell!" Hilda laughs, stopping right next to the general.

"It's also incredibly useful. Its obvious applications in combat aside, we have outposts and embassies the world over and from them we can reach practically anywhere in a decently speedy fashion."

"You have embassies? I thought the rest of the world didn't really pay much attention to what the Scions do," Hilda asks, noticing a weary look forming on Alexandra's face as soon as she does.

"They don't..." she sighs, rubbing her eyes in frustration. "However, it is not uncommon for human necromancers to infiltrate cities beyond the Paling looking to seize the citizens' Prana for their Valnr masters. Our commandant, Eliza, leverages that fact to get us some token support in the form of bits of intelligence, embassies and/or outposts in foreign territories so that we may keep guard."

"But I guess you being here means we at least have the UK helping us out with more than that, right, ma'am?" Hilda prods Alexandra with her elbow.

"Oh, that was the case even before I married my husband. His great-grandfather saw the Scions stop a major necromancer enclave within London and pledged the United Kingdom's eternal and full support to our cause," she answers with a pleased smile.

Hilda's glad that at least some people out there understand what's going on in the Northern Reaches. Alexandra would probably never say anything of the sort but Hilda sees from her smile that she's proud her country isn't turning the other cheek.

The general puts her sword away and clasps her hands together with gusto. "But we're not here to discuss history. With this, you have learned the absolute basics of our techniques; now it is merely a matter of practicing until you're more proficient in combat and magic."

"Roger that. I promise I'll work hard, ma'am!"

"I'm glad to hear that as you have fine potential. That said, Ryouma does not seem to have returned yet, so we might as well take this time to keep brushing up on your spellweaving!" Alexandra proclaims energetically, eliciting another quiet groan from Hilda.

Still, she knows she has to buckle up and put her back into this if she's to become a fully-fledged Scion. In truth, she ought to be thankful that she's been given the chance to train with such a mighty woman. Hilda starts gathering the elements on her hand once more, intent on getting a firm enough grasp on spellweaving to put on a good show for Ryouma once he's back.

And that goes double for you, blondie. Just you wait…!

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Megrim
Review
Megrim wrote a review · Tue Sep 06, 2016 10:37 pm

Alrighty so we get to meet some great characters here, my favourite being Paula. She's fantastic and I just adore her. I hope we get to see lots more of her. Alexandra is likable too, especially her humility (I like the concept that it doesn't matter who you are on the outside), and the fact that she's a strong, capable woman. Also we saw some fun spells, and I felt like you had some really solid descriptions of the physical appearance/effects of the spells--believable, vivid.

The dialogue still has a similar infodump feel. I thought it might help to pick out some specific examples of how you can tighten.

"Like the Alterium in our weapons, the elements are commanded via the Prana you wield; however, the process is slightly more complicated. Every element has a frequency, so you must first attune your Prana to it before you can make your commands 'heard'," Alexandra continues. "Doing so is not easy, however, as attuning one's Prana requires not only great focus but also an understanding on the nature of that element – which, in most cases, can take many years to attain."


Could simplify to: "Alterium commands everything: our weapons, our communication, even the elements. However, to control an element, you must first be attuned, which requires a deep focus and understanding of the nature of that element."

"Very good. There is an exception in that every person is naturally attuned to an element. Ryouma has told you of how a person's isolated from the flow of Prana when their body is formed, yes? Before that happens, the body is constantly absorbing from the flow and that forms the essence of your being, always attuned to one element."


Could simplify to: "Correct. Every person is attuned to a single element, determined by the essence of their being when the body is first formed."

There are plenty of areas you can tighten, but I thought those were some particularly wordy paragraphs, that could be condensed down. You mentioned before about concern regarding the rules not feeling well defined, but it gets back to that iceberg thing. We don't have to know every little detail, we just need to know enough--understand there are rules and the basics behind those rules. Kind of like how you don't need to know computer engineering to work your phone, or maybe a more accurate comparison, you can format a web page or blog post with html/css without needing to learn hardcore php, java, etc.

I felt this particularly when we get into the nitty gritty of the magic. It feels almost like a video game--unlocking seals, learning tiers of named spells, attuning to each element. A major thing working against you is that we don't have any visual medium (seeing these glyphs is a lot more memorable and easier to parse than a detailed description of each one), like an anime for example. Though I get a sense you may have a tendency to over-describe in general (I notice it sometime with extended descriptions of rooms, characters, weapons/clothing--which are all very pretty, but sometimes quite verbose). And that tendency lends itself to over-explaining the magic system, too. Again it's not really a first-draft concern, but in editing I think you'll definitely want to consider preening down how expository the dialogue is.

I think a good example of where this sort of thing masterfully done is Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn. You could look up the free sample on Amazon but I highly recommend you read the whole thing (especially because Sanderson is like THE king of modern fantasy and it's a brilliant read in its own right). The magic system is VERY unique, so requires a lot of explanation for the reader, because there's nothing else out there like it. But he does a really really good job of introducing the magic in exciting, active ways, and when they do have the lecture-y scene, it's to the point, engaging, descriptive but not overbearingly so. As his specialty as an author is magic systems (he created Sanderson's Laws, which you should live by with this type of magic), his books are really really good examples of how to employ rules-based magic.

Hmhmm... I see your point. In truth, this is another thing I'd set to prune later.

The video gamey side of things goes to limit the scope of what rookies, and Scions in general, can do (like, say, the spells in Harry Potter and the wand movements), so I'd be hesitant to get rid of these. Still, I reckon I can cut some stuff out or save it for later.

And, yes, I'll be the first to admit that I tend to be verbose; it comes from the fact that I rather say too much than say too little. :o

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Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Sat Jun 11, 2016 6:12 am

Hey there!

So, I know I said I'd start reviewing at chapter 9, but I decided I wanted to tell you what I thought of these chapters, and if I did that all in chapter 9's review, it would be way too long. So this'll be a bit of a cumulative review for chapters 1-5.

Overall, I like it so far. I like how much you've developed the magic - it's very interesting.

I saw from previous reviews that you were writing this in past tense but you switched to present. May I ask why? In my opinion, present tense (especially third person present tense) reads a lot clunkier than past tense, and this holds true here. There's a reason why past tense is what's been used for hundreds of years, and although it's the trendy thing to use present tense now, it doesn't work as well in third person as in first person. This isn't to say don't do it - just that there should be a reason, some aspect of the story that you feel you absolutely can't convey well in past tense.

I quite like Hilda. At first, she seemed pretty bland, but in the last chapter especially her character really started to shine. I think you could drop a few more hints about her past, though - all I know right now is that there's something there that makes it so she didn't want to be a Scion, but that doesn't necessarily scream "tragic past." To me, it would make sense if she didn't want to be one just because it's not something she wanted to do with her life.

That's actually something that bothered me about Ryouma and Alexandra's reaction to Hilda not wanting to be a Scion - how on earth is that not natural? She was out-of-the-blue told she had to come and train as a warrior to fight this dangerous but important fight, and they're scolding her for not wanting to do it? Unless the cultural mindset is that being a Scion is the most glamorous thing ever, it doesn't make sense that they're surprised by her attitude.

Also, I feel like Ryouma and Alexandra's character voices are really, really similar. They use the same sort of "I'm a teacher" formal phrasings and the same vocabulary. Try to differentiate between the two - I know Ryouma uses Japanese words sometimes, but that doesn't cut it. Especially since they're from different sides of the globe, they should have very different ways of speaking, even though they're both Hilda's teacher.

In general, I feel like the way the auto-translation thing works doesn't quite gel for me. If everything is being translated automatically, how come we can still hear the Japanese proverbs/sayings in Japanese? And why can Hilda still swear in Swedish?

Two small things - how is Alexandra a goddess? Does that imply that she's immortal? That piece of description just threw me off. Also, the times - I had the impression that this was largely medieval technology. Even though this takes place after hours, etc. were invented, if they don't have clocks how are they keeping time accurately?

Finally, I'm super interested in how you know these Japanese sayings. I'm living in Japan right now, but I don't know enough Japanese to know whether or not you're right about what these sayings mean. I'd love to know where you learned them.

I think that about sums up my feelings right now. Onwards!

I write in the present simply because that'd how it always felt natural - honestly, I didn't know it was considered "trendy" until looking into it recently. Whenever I read, I always played the story in my head as if it was happening in the present so, when I started writing this, that's how it came out. Rewriting it all now, sixteen chapters deep would be... problematic.

And I reckon you're talking about Ryouma and Vanessa on the previous chapter? Being a Scion isn' glamorous per se (though it does have perks to go along with the mission) but it's not really something you can beg out of doing. If the Altr have chosen you, you're going to do it and the sooner the Novitiate makes his or her peace with it, then better for your chances of survival. Hilda's process isn't called "conscription" for nothing. :)

And I see what you meant about Ryouma and Alexandra's voices. They ARE, indeed, similar for now which is why I didn't have them in the same scene thus far. Now that the initial dust is settling, Ryouma will be showing more of personality beyond being "the teacher". Hopefully, it'll differentiate them for you.

From Ryouma's explanation on chapter 3, you can see that auto-translation via Prana works all the time provided that: the Scion is intent on getting his point across to another. Whenever someone speaks in another language, they've shirked that either intentionally or unintentionally. For instance, Hilda yells in Swedish when she gets so pissed that it breaks her concentration (which is why Alexandra couldn't hear her cussing). As for Ryouma, for instance, he actively doesn't will his Yojijukugos to be translated simply because he likes using them as part of his "wise samurai" shtick.

Alexandra isn't a Goddess but a Queen and Ascended Scion of Sarfis - one of the Altr. See here:

"I am Alexandra Hyland-Langdon Vanhanen, general of Lady Sarfis, the goddess of[...],"


Did you misread it, perhaps?

This is medieval-esque, yes, but something of a very alternate reality of ours. Keep in mind that, due to the War of Twilight, the entire world that stood got blasted into the stone age. Still, many things of it survived in the minds of those who lived, like country names, scientific concepts and what have you. Without going into future spoilers, let's just say that the pre-War of Twilight world was plenty advanced.

And I have a pretty decent grasp of Japanese from my side gig translating stuff! :D

If you're looking for Yojijukugos specifically, you can check here: http://home.earthlink.net/~4jword/index3.htm


Thanks for the reviews thus far!

Fair enough about the present tense - I've actually had a story do that to me. I wrote the whole thing in past tense and then it insisted it would be better in present.

And that makes more sense about the translating thing, I think the explanation just didn't quite click with me.

OOH I think I understand how I misread that. xD Sorry.

Also, I'm still interested in how they're keeping time. Like sure they would still have the concept of hours, minutes, etc, but how do they know it's exactly 6 o'clock?

Really, they don't know it's EXACTLY six but they can take a guess from the sun's position. With that, it's just a matter of adjusting the body's internal clock.

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Sins
Review
Sins wrote a review · Wed Mar 02, 2016 8:33 pm

I'm baaaack :P

"...As in, the queen of the UK?!”


Yay me. Not literally, I'm not an island floating around in the British Isles. Small note, most people actually say the Queen of England. I know she technically is the Queen of all of us, but I don't know, for some reason we tend to say that.

Well first things first, I didn't notice any tense inconsistencies here, so that's fantastic. Hopefully you've managed to clear them all up! Alexandra is another interesting character, and I love the fact that she's the Queen of the United Kingdom because it's super original, and adds a nice quirk to her. I keep imagining her as the 80 something current Queen of England, admittedly, but that's probably because I'm British and see her everywhere (not literally, the UK isn't that small. Anywho, in terms of engagement and writing style, it's still as good as a read as ever. I am beginning to feel like these training scenes are dragging a little, but I just read your PM about them ending in the next chapter so that's all good!

I don't really have any massive critiques or anything, only small nit-picks, which for you is a good thing as it shows that I couldn't fault this chapter much at all. Something I do find odd is the way in which Alexandra introduced herself. It was very official, grand, bold e.t.c. There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but then she goes on to stress how her title as a queen doesn't matter, that Hilda should treat her normally e.t.c. If she wants that, why did she introduce herself so grandly? She didn't introduce herself as the literal Queen of England, no, but she sure made it sound snazzy. Plus wouldn't Hilda have recognised her face anyway? Seen and been like, holy crap, that's the Queen of the UK!

Something that's been playing on my mind for a little while is Hilda's spoken language. She's Swedish, right? How come she speaks English more than Swedish? Or at least she seems to. I realise we can't have her throwing Swedish around like it's going out of fashion because, well, we'd never have any idea what she's on about... But with this idea of everyone being able to understand one another, regardless of what language they're speaking (if they allow others to understand them, of course), wouldn't Hilda just speak Swedish and allow everyone to understand her? Perhaps she's not mastered this skill yet? I don't know, I suppose it just seems like that needs a bit more explanation. For example, in the last chapter where she was going a little delusional after running away and was talking to herself, she was doing so in English. It seems like she'd revert back to Swedish int hat situation, y'know?

Aaaaaand finsally! The last thing that bothered me a little in this chapter was the dialogue-narrator balance. You had a lot of dialogue. I realise it's necessary due to the fact a lot is being explained, and there's nothing wrong with having unequal dialogue and narration ratios, but you do sometimes have to be careful not to overload it. Break some conversations up a little and insert some of Hilda's thoughts, reactions e.t.c. or some descriptions. I can't remember if I've brought this up in any previous reviews, so I apologise greatly if I'm being a gigantic broken record here. It's just a little something that I find distracting sometimes. Hardly a massive issue, but I figured i should mention it.

Negatives aside, I really am enjoying this novel thus far. All of your characters are unique and interesting, and I forgot to say how much I liked Paula earlier. She's pretty sassy, and I think she and Hilda could have a super interesting relationship. Overall, another great read. Hit me up if you've got any questions or anything :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I'm glad you're enjoying this.

Now, Hilda IS speaking Swedish and allowing herself to be understood - everyone is speaking their native language and naturally using Prana to communicate, unless specified. I'm writing it all in English because, one, I am not knowledgeable enough to write a whole lot of dialogue in each character's language and, two, this is meant for English readers so doing that it would require a lot of back-to-back translations.

So, I figured this could be used just to add flavor. As in, a language shift occurs when the "Prana Translation" actively didn't happen either because a character didn't want it or because a surge of emotion stopped it (i.e. when Ryouma uses his idioms or Hilda's angry cussing).

My idea with Alexandra's personality was to give her a rather even split of warrior/noble. Starting with a fancy introduction seemed appropriate, all things considered!

As for the dialogue balance... I confess that I thought it wasn't split that unevenly. I tried to punctuate most convos with either descriptions of what's going on/character attitude or some small insights into Hilda's thoughts. Was it that significant?

Cheers.

Ah, I see! Maybe note that she's doing it somewhere? Sincere apologies if you have and I've simply forgotten, I tend to do dumb stuff like that. I'd never sugest you write the book in Swedish or anything, now that would be a big ask, haha.

The dialogue balance isn't too bad, don't worry. The area I noticed it was where Hilda asks Alexandra what type of training to expect, and Alexandra goes on to discuss the elements. There's a lot of dialogue with little break, so that's the only place it sort of became an issue. It's not that significant, so don't stress over it!

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Tuesday
Review
Tuesday wrote a review · Sun Feb 28, 2016 8:30 pm

Hello, Blaspherica here for a review!

A little warning: I haven't read the previous chapters so feel free to ignore any predictions that I have.

Okay. I've always been a lover for action/adventure fantasy novels. They seem to have that edge of dragons racing after knights in shining armor or giant dogs fighting some sea monster. The possiblities are endless. In your novel, or rather this certain chapter, to me it seems to be in the past when everyone was getting used to weapons and wars. It also has that "sci-fi" feel to it, for some reason.

In my opinion, I don't like third person writing. It feel so awkward when people are trying to dig into their character's mind without hurting them. It feels rushed and sloppy. However, that could be since I write in first which is a lot easier (but people are people, so whatever floats your boat in writing styles). If I could suggest one thing, a beginning of a novel should be the key to what the reader will think of your novel. It is kinda like judging a book by the cover, but only "judging the first paragraph as a read or go" situation. In your case, the beginning feel weak. Also, as the Jay said below me, it feels a bit awkward. When writing a single thought or something about a character, include some breaks (periods) between writing.

When I reading over your dialogue, I noticed you used "OK" instead of "Okay". This too is a pet peeve of mine. It just bothers me when people don't use the rest of the word when writing it. I understand that, though, sometimes it is "okay" to use "OK" but when writing a novel, use "okay". Another thing with your dialogue, don't let one character go off into a tangent and leave the other character without anything to say. Give them both their time to speak. Even out the playing field for both, if possible. Also, give some description of what they might sound like. It helps some people when they read, and could create the voices a lot easier.

I like your description of the room that Hilda lives in (also, is Hilda a Scions? I'm pretty sure she is, but I don't want to throw some random suggestions around). It seems flowy and completely understandable.

“Wait, and your last name…did you say “Vanhanen”?”, she asked.


When using quotation marks within quotation marks, just use a single quotation.

I like the interaction between the characters you have. Easier to point out who is friend or foe. :P

Anyway. I enjoy where you going with this, and hopefully to make more chapters of this. I can tell that Hilda is going to be in some trouble later on in this chapter.

Blaspherica

Okay. Alll riiiiiiiight.
First off, hey there! I'm Jay, your friendly neighborhood critic!
So, your first paragraph feels a little awkward to me.

"About a month has passed since Hilda was recruited into the Scions and Ryouma’s wasted no time in fulfilling his promise of making a warrior out of her, his first goal being to help her get used to handling her new sword: thousands of repetitions of different slashes and thrusts, drills for attack, movement and defense, sparring, jogging, weight lifting and on, and on, and on."

This just feels like it's one thought that lead into a tangent. With no periods. You could make it flow much better if you did something more like:

"About a month has passed since Hilda was recruited into the Sicons. Ryouma has wasted no time in fulfilling his promise of making a warrior out of her. His first goal was to help her get used to handling her new sword; thousands of repetitions of different slashes and thrusts--along with drills for attack, movement, and defense. Not to mention sparring, jogging, weightlifting. . . The list went on and on."

This has the same problem:

"Trying to sleep with every single part of her body aching wasn’t easy at first but Hilda soon discovered that pain becomes less of a problem if you’re tired enough; thankfully, Ryouma had explained to her, Scions recover much faster than regular humans, so she would often wake up in the next morning feeling perfectly fine."

Do something more like:

"Trying to sleep with every single part of her body aching wasn't easy at first; but Hilda soon discovered that the pain became less of a problem if you're tired enough. Thankfully, Ryouma had explained to her that Scions recover much faster than regular humans--so she would often wake up the next morning feeling perfectly fine."

Basically, I'm running into the same thing everywhere. A good thing to do is to get somebody with a bit more patience and focus than me at the moment (running a high fever on my period does NOT make for a happy camper) and have them help you fix the flow of the story until you can do it without help.

Thanks for tolerating me!
-Jay



Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
— Emily Dickenson