Lace-laiden gloves made with spiderweb silk,
Tiny sweet skirts made of butterfly wings,
Porcelain masks as bright white as milk,
All of these things . . . such wonderful things.
~
Red rosy ribbons formed of ladybird blood,
Dainty blue shoes formed of cornflower flakes,
Dresses that bloom like growing young buds,
All of these things . . . all that God makes.
~
Long flowing hair, the colour of the oak,
Gleaming jewel eyes, like the sparkling of the moon,
This little pretty faery, of whom I have just spoke,
And no one can know this faery, just myself . . . and the moon.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Heya, Charlotte! Casanova here to give you a review!
Anyway, I read your other poem and I think you're a good writer. Your strength, from what I can see, is definitely imagery. You create a breathtaking image that stays in your brain and envelopes the person reading. It's absolutely wonderful, no kidding.
Anyway, to the review!
the first thing that I noticed was the first stanza. Lines two and three.
"Tine sweet skirts made from butterfly wings."(the imagery.. OMG) and "All of these things . . . such wonderful things." They're supposed to rhyme, right? Well, you say things in this last line twice, so it kind of created a repetitive form that stuck in my head. That, in all honesty, is just personal preference but something I noticed. Your internal rhyme is,"Thing, thing." which just doesn't seem to flow well.. If you want to keep the external rhyme with,"Wings," you could try changing the first,"Things," into something else. But again, that is personal preference.
The second thing I noticed was that everywhere BUT the second stanza you kept an absolute rhyme(where the sounds of the rhyme are exactly the same." But the first line in the second stanza,"Red rosy ribbons formed of lady bird blood," and the third line in the second stanza,"Dresses that bloom like growing young buds," kind throws it off. If you changed the line to something like,"Dressing that bloom like a growing young bud," it might help it- but again I think this is just personal preference.
And finally- the last stanza. You rhyme,"moon," with,"moon." I don't know if that was intentional or not- if it was then why? If not- for me it kind of disrupts the rhyme scheme. Maybe try changing one of them to something else? Again- everything I have said is personal preference.
I hope this helps! See you around!
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron
The imagery that you have created is breath taking. You have painted a picture with words, which I suppose we all try to do, but you have done it well. I did notice a problem with the rhythm, and when I have trouble with that I count out the syllables in each line, and so I've done that for you. In your first two sections the syllable breakdown is around 9-10, but in your last one it is 10-14. I think if you could play with the wording a bit and drop that down a little it would help with the flow.
"Long flowing hair, the colour of the oak" I think "the oak" kind of adds a hitch in the line, maybe just "the colour of oak".
"This little pretty faery, of whom I have just spoke" take out either have or just, just to drop the syllable count down.
"And no one can know this faery, just myself . . . and the moon." Again for the sake of syllable count if you replaced "this faery" with her it would help.
These things would drop the count in the last section to around 10-11 which is better.
Lastly in the final section you rhyme moon with moon. Which breaks the rhyme when I don't think it should. Unless that was on purpose, I would try to change the first moon to something else.
Hope this helps.
I wrote this quite quickly, but I'm not sure how to improve it, so if you have suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.