Last night, upon the sandy shore,
I found a boat, a boat I saw.
With a golden sail and windbeat wood,
We wanted to find the most that we could.
So we took the boat and named it ours;
we planned to take it long and far.
On we rocked, on the waving seas -
we couldn't stop laughing, for now we were free;
away from this world and the horrors it holds,
but to cross these waters, we were brave and bold.
I knew what was coming but it couldn't be true,
and the waves looked so pretty, all foaming and blue.
So after days, and the moonlit nights,
we reached the land that was set in our sights.
On we ventured, with bright eyes and hearts,
And left our boat, our boat we did part.
Yet soon the ground was quick replaced,
By clouds and air as fine as lace.
My back was winged with gliding blades,
Though all cannot flee so far from the shade.
I flew like fay, for I know nothing else;
I knew all the sights, and the beautiful smells.
And when I had finally reached His side,
I realised I left my old world behind.
I've embraced something new, and found something great,
And for others to follow, I simply can't wait.
So I leave them still dreaming of boats and sails,
That shall take them far away.
(Though a young poor traveller, my friend, I should say,
Has been tugged and twisted today.)
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Charlotte, the base and the soul of this poem is excellent. I had no idea what was coming, and you hinted it at me with the line "I knew what was coming but it couldn't be true", but I still couldn't guess, so I had a moment of genuine surprise when I realized where the ships and sails had led them. But you went beyond the simple surprise with the addition of a poignant wish from the narrator: "I leave them still dreaming of boats and sails". That line is what makes the poem. That line is what makes it worth more than a simple reversal of expectation.
I do have two suggestions, however.
The first is that you clean up the meter. Your rhythm, for the most part, is excellent. None of the rhymes tripped me up too much, although you can change them if you'd like to keep working on them (I know how hard it is to get rhymes to work once, much less if you try to change the meaning of that part of the poem...). But what I can't reconcile is how the meter doesn't match. There are too many small syllables you ask me to skip over, like in this moment:
a, wanted to, the most, that <- these are all unnecessary syllables.
"With golden sail and windbeat wood, we went to find all that we could."
Written this way, the meter matches exactly. Each line now has 8 syllables. It feels tighter, while still sticking to the rhythm you worked so hard to craft. Now, I'll just be able to move over it more easily, without tripping over the small, meaningless syllables. If you could clean up the other lines in similar ways, I think you'd find a more pleasing poem.
The second suggestion is to deeply consider the last two lines. I liked the poignancy of "I leave them dreaming" so much, that I don't need anything more, that I almost suggest getting rid of it. However, I also realize that it gives REALITY to the people who are left behind -- that there are still people incoming who were once alive. So I'm not quite sure what I want to suggest with those lines, but because this is your poem, I'd just say think about it and see if it does what you wanted it to do.
Thank you so much for sharing. Feel free to reply or message me if you have any questions about this review.
Keep writing!
Hannah
Hi Charlotte2, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
. I think this was a perfect title for your poem.Title: So first off we'll talk about the title. I though the title was simple and yet inviting. It encased the main theme of your poem and connected with the poem on multiple lines like this one
Theme: Now on to the theme. I really liked the theme in your poem. You had a whole lot about the boat and traveling to a far off land with many struggles along the way. Then later on in your poem you started getting spiritual and it turned out that the boat before was actually a picture of our belief.
Description: The description in your poem was absolutely beautiful. It wasn't over the top, but was instead it was just the right amount. The way you described the boat in the beginning was wonderful. I could see this sweet little boat crystal clear and then you described the journey and they feelings of the travellers. I really loved the description.
Rhythm: Now onto the rhythm. Your rhythm for the most part was great and the rhyming scheme was great. The rhymes were a wonderful addiction and really helped with the rhythm, but it a few inconsistencies. [quote]So we took the boat and named it ours;
we planned to take it long and far.[quote] Like in these lines. The rhymes have vanished. So if I were you I'd just go back and tweak some of these lines so that they fit in with the rest of the rhyme scheme.
Grammar and Punctuation: As far as I could see, your grammar and punctuation was perfect.
Overall a great poem and I look forward to more from you. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Amazing! x I absolutely loved the imagery and the flow of it. The rhyme scheme, though not consistent, I thought was beautiful and greatly added to the overall tone of the poem. I especially loved the last four lines "So I leave them still dreaming of boats and sails, That shall take them far away. (Though a young poor traveller, my friend, I should say, Has been tugged and twisted today.)" I think they not only did a beautiful job of concluding the piece overall, they were so nicely written and it is obvious that a great deal of thought went into this poem. Loved it! x
Thank you!