Suddenly before you could ever even know,
There's a frost-biting chill as if it were snow.
It's just like a fear that bites at your heart,
But it's probably Valeria, who waits in the yard.
~
You're waiting and waiting, but it just won't go away,
And the tapping begins in the cruel light of day.
It's a gentle little sound, with the twinkling of a star,
So it's probably Valeria, who waits in the yard.
~
The tapping is thunderous, it just shall not cease,
So soon you shall wonder: should you ever find peace?
It's seductive, and subtle, yet it gives you a start,
But you know it's Valeria, who waits in the yard.
~
You just couldn't refrain, so you opened the door,
You saw nothing there, but a knife on the floor.
It's fresh, staining blood, and you knew you couldn't part,
From the she who's named Valeria . . . who left your corpse in the yard.
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140,870 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Hey Charlotte! Casanova here to review!
Anyway- good poem I really enjoyed it.
When I first came upon the poem.. I thought it was going to be a bit more depressing, but that doesn't mean it didn't live up to the expectation of being good!
My first though- I'm like 99 percent sure the repetitive use of,"yard," has some sort of meaning or something- it's constant. Though in the last line,"From the she who's named Valeria . . . who left your corpse in the yard," seemed a bit... off pertaining to the other lines. The flows not the same, and for some morbid reason at the part,"Left your corpse in the yard," I busted out laughing. I have know clue why.
I love how you have it in stanza form- it took me awhile to get into the habit of doing that(Not that yo'll find any of my work on here, that is.) So it's refreshing to see. Not many people's poems, that I've read anyway, have it in this form.
Your capitalization is on point- which is always a good thing. Most people don't capitalize the beginning of a line anymore- and just like the stanza thing I always had trouble with it as well.
Your punctuation is in the right spots- it gives the poem the correct flow that YOU want. And as a reader I appreciate that because I'm not just reading a wall of text that is continuous and seemingly non ending.
The only thing I can nitpick on this is in the last stanza. "It's fresh, staining blood..." For some reason this just claws at me, I have no reason why. It just seems to upset the poem for some reason- or that could be me.
Well, I hope this helps and I hope to see more from you.
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron
I went into this expecting it to be dark, but the end still caught me off guard. The rhyme scheme is, intriguing. In the first quartet, I found it a bit jarring when the third, and fourth lines didn't rhyme. That being said I love the repetition in the last line. This is quite possible a coincidence, but did you mean for the third lines in the first, third, and fourth quartets to rhyme? If so I would make the second one fall into that pattern, but again its probably just coincidence.
"It's fresh, staining blood, and you knew you couldn't part," the words "staining blood" throw me. I mean blood does stain, but is it staining the knife. Maybe a little re-wording is in order.
I love how the pace seems to pick up over time. All-in-all its good work. Keep it up.