I love you more than the merfolk's waves,
I love you more than the midsummer days.
I love you more than the dancing devas,
I love you most in so many ways.
I love you more than the shooting stars,
I love you more than the moonlit nights,
I love you more than the hope of our hearts,
I love you most for you're a wonder of light.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi! herbgirl here for a review!
So, to start, I would like to say that I liked the repetition in this poem of the phrase "I love you more." Repetition is something I use in some of my poems and can be very helpful in driving home a point. I think you did that well here, however, I do have some suggestions.
First of all, just a little spelling mistake. In line three I think you meant "diva" instead of "deva." Just a little fix, not that bad! Another thing I noticed was that your rhyme scheme changed from the first part to the second. The first four lines have an AABA sort of pattern, whereas the last four lines have an ABCB rhyme scheme. Changing rhyme schemes aren't really that bad, but in this case I felt it kind of threw off the flow. If there is a way you could change the words but still keep the meaning, I would suggest doing that.
Another thing I noticed (sorry, almost done!) was your fourth and eighth lines didn't really make much sense, especially the fourth one. I kind of get what you're trying to say, but if you could demonstrate it in a clearer way, that would be great.
Finally, the last thing I would love to see would be if you made this poem LONGER! The poem as it is now doesn't really seem to have a conclusion, but if you lengthened it you might be able to end with a "Punch," or leave the readers really feeling your message.
Anyways, good job on the poem, and good luck with future writings!
herbgirl
Hi, thanks for the review. I get what you mean about the rhyme scheme, and I think your critiques are very helpful. Just to let you know, about the whole 'deva' thing. I did mean to write 'deva' because I'm actually a Buddhist and a 'deva' is a very spiritual being. But, thanks for the review anyway!
Oh, I'm so sorry! That makes a lot more sense! Ugh, now I feel like an idiot
No, don't worry, it's fine!
Hi again! Here to leave you another review.
I wanted to start by telling you it seemed to start out brilliantly.
That is simply beautiful rhyme.
I do like the repetition of I love you more, its' use is obvious, and I do like how you broke the repetition by using 'most' it made it refreshing as it wasn't just repetitive thoughts.
However I do have a slight issue with the rhyme scheme of this poem.
-side note devas should be divas. Back to the rhyme scheme, in this part it is aabb (however divas doesn't really rhyme with waves) and in the second part it changes abab.
This could have worked if you split the poem into two stanzas and also in the second stanza the rhyme scheme could have been changed to show a change that is happening... for example using different diction ie. from positive to negative.
Again these are all my opinions. I enjoyed this very much as it captured the love perfectly.
Keep writing!
~RS
Oh, I did mean to write devas. I'm Buddhist, and a deva is a spiritual being. But don't worry about it, your review was still very helpful, and I'm glad you enjoyed my work. Thank you!
oooh ok please forgive my ignorance!
Hey Spartan here again for another amazing review.
First off let me just say I hope the person you love loves you back. You're lines are clearly made to show how much you love this person. I hope you don't have the problems I've had and made poems of and posted on here. Second your writing is nearly perfect just some things that seem like errors to me but might not be I'm not an English professor or anything so I'm not even going to mention them. The title and the poem go so well together and the title really catches your eye when you see it. I love your work it makes me feel like I am looking into two lovers minds. I hope you keep writing these amazing poems and hopefully one day you can write something that makes everyone review or comment on it.
Have a wonderful day, evening, morning, or night. Spartan out!
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you