Please feel free to voice your thoughts, spill your rants, I'm open to your Critique!
You build me up
To tear me down
You spread your smile
Like a stupid clown.
You cut me deep
Leave a wicked scar
Saunter off
Hop in your car.
You bruised my heart
Ripped and slashed
You beat me down
You make me crash.
The sun is bright
This bridge is high
I spread my arms
I fall, I die.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Absatootly fabulous! You are bursting with talent girly!
I liked this. It's just the right length and I liked the language you used (especially that you used "sauntered off" ).
Wow. That was really good. I usually prefer longer poems but thought that this poem was very well written and the perfect length.
Amy.
This is such a strong poem!
a few tweaks would be;
"You build me up
To tear me down
You spread your smile
Like a stupid clown."
I am, rather pathetically, scared of clowns, so this line painted a picture of some creepy guy with a knife covered in blood.
(Probably not what you're looking for, but hey! I am just one person, after all)
"You cut me deep
Leave a wicked scar
Saunter off
Hop in your car."
This stanza has exelent rythym, the last two lines especially
"You bruised my heart
Rip and slash
You beat me down
You make me crash."
Great imagery in this stanza
"The sun is bright
This bridge is high
I spread my arms
I fall, I die.'
the last line is good, but could be stronger
fi you could use the word "plummet" instead of just "fall".
Though "fall" keeps with the rythym better than "plummet"
anyway, your choice.
Hi Butterfinger (my favorite candybar, just btw),
First impression: If your poem were a person, they would be solid, honest, and a little in-your-face.
The punctuation is a little strange, but it does give the poem attitude (again, solid honest and a little in your face period.).
Thoughts and comments:
Straight-up. I like it.
"Saunter off" painted an image in my mind that "hop" did not agree with. Maybe "slide," "step," or "climb" would do. That is, of course, only one opinion.
I don't believe it matters much, but I prefer "made" to "make" simply because (most of) the other verbs were in the past tense.
The ending is strong, consistent with the rest of the poem. The first two lines paint a clear, stark image which is, again, consistent with the rest of the poem. The last line, "I fall, I die," is not my favorite bit. However, as a whole, I like the poem.
Hope something I said will prove useful to you.
Sincerely,
RaeSuz
Wow! Well written. Keep writing.