Note: I'm not looking for super intelligent reviews, just whatever you guys think...any comments to help make this more.....clear? better? Thanks
waiting is the worst torture
when what's lost has crossed the veil.
watching time creep by cruelly
faces change, distorted
into something beyond the light.
wasted, left out in the cold night air
browned by the breath of humanity.
I see the whisper of your features,
hear the rustle of your voice
but time has had its way with you.
a devious affair, unstoppable.
so here my bones will stay
on a bench, devoured by bugs and wind
waiting, willing time and space to end their dance
waiting for you.
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hey there Kat here to review for you!
I hate waiting but your poem sort of left me wondering..waiting for what? Love? A person? The love of a person and the person you love I guess. I liked all the imagery and your grammar seemed to be practically flawless except I think you should really capitalize at the beginning of your sentences... you are right that it is in fact a little unclear. did something bad happen? I think all you really need to do is look in yourself a little more and let more lines from the poem form or add and take words where needed. I can't really help you much else with clarity because after all it is your poem and I don't know what yo are thinking. AS a reader you have to I've us enough information to really feel your emotions. I feel like this is the basis of a very strong poem but that it wants to be something bigger and something more. TO be honest though it's not really that bad at all on fact I very much enjoyed it . Especially the way you described time and space using nice descriptors and literary tools. Very well done there.
Lemme know when you write more!
~Kat
Wow, look at the beautiful but sad imagery and mood you've set here. This is a very well written poem but...
Usually we start each sentence with a capital letter. This applies in poetry as well. By the way, wonderful first line. I agree with you, waiting is torturous. I hate waiting even though we do it all the time.Nothing else grammatical. I will just point out my favourite lines.
I think you've tied this bow with a wonderful end, waiting for you. Is truthful yet is suspenseful the only problem I find is, bugs and wind. I find bugs a bit too plain for this poem, now is the poem to go to the good old thesaurus for help!
Really nice poem! I enjoyed reading it!
-L
Actually, it doesn not. Never comment on the capitalization of poetry. It is required for the poet to cap the i's and place periods where they're needed. Ever heard od ee cummings?
Whoops! It isn't required*
Hey Butterfinger
A well written poem! Even though I'm not much of a poetress, I loved reading your poem.
I Think you could have started with a capital letter like 'Waiting is the worst torture. ...'
'see the whisper of your features,
hear the rustle of your voice
but time has had its way with you.'
These are my favorite lines. Its beautiful :')
Keep writing!
Love,
Krish
Capitalization and punctuation aren't required in poems! Just to let you know.
Yeah I get that Iggy. Thank you
But I just thought that the starting would look better like that. Just an opinion!
Missing piece here for a review! WONDERFUL! I really love this because its so true. When you wait for someone it feels like torture. I don't see any grammar mistakes (yay!). So great job! Now, my opinion...LOVE IT! My favorite part was...
"so here my bones will stay
on a bench, devoured by bugs and wind
waiting, willing time and space to end their dance
waiting for you."
I really like it because it flows so easily and it can touch the heart. Thx for letting me review! I had fun reading your poem! Keep writing!
~The Missing Piece