Ok, not sure how I feel about this one, but I need feedback! It doesn't matter what you have to say-say it. Enjoy!
A colony of ants march
Marching across deserts
Daring mountains
Tangled jungles
and mounds of trash.
I sit here
Watching
Magnifying glass in hand
Wondering
Do they have soul?
A thumping heartbeat?
Brains so developed
We just don't understand?
Could he be my Uncle?
Cursed to live a tiny life?
An army of insects
Chewing through houses
Yet, they live
They move
What if they're like us somehow?
Again I wonder once more
Grip my magnifying glass
And a single thought enters my brain
What the hell
A single ray of sun to start a fire
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[/quote]Ok, not sure how I feel about this one, but I need feedback! It doesn't matter what you have to say-say it. Enjoy!
A colony of ants marchperiod or comma.
Marching across desertsThe march being repeated seems a bit silly since this is the only time its repeated.
Daring mountains;
Tangled jungles
and mounds of trash.I don't understand this... Mountains and Jungles and Trash? Its like a bunch of imagination and then BAMB no more imagination, so blunt.
I sit here,
Watching.
Magnifying glass in hand,
Wondering
Do they have soul? Do would sound better if it was changed to If. "Wondering, if they have a soul."
A thumping heartbeat? Heartbeat is thumping. Try a different adjective.
Brains so developed, NEED a comma here or it doesn't make as much sense.
We just don't understand?
Could he be my Uncle?What? That is weird.
Cursed to live a tiny life?
An army of insects,
Chewing through houses.Chewing through houses?
Yet, they live,
They move.
What if they're like us somehow?
Okay I like the poem TO HERE. The end is just so out of place. I mean maybe try a little foreshadowing.
Again I wonder once more
Grip my magnifying glass
And a single thought enters my brain
What the hell
A single ray of sun to start a fire[/quote]
Well, I have a lot to say about this. Its a yummy poem. It makes me wonder.
I like this, I like the links that you make to humans and ants.
I like how you're exploring the links between them both and giving the ants human characteristics.
I also think it helps to convey the human conscience, and what the person in the poem thinks about people, what characterises a person (heartbeat etc).
It was interesting, well done