I scream and thrash against you
Willing you to hear my pleads
My cries like a lynched rabbit
Falling into welcome ears
I try to separate us, reclaim my body
But I remember you
I remember those hands, once gentle
And I hope for an end
Reach for something lost
And I see you, feel you
And I"m gone
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140,103 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi Butterfinger, Laure here for a review. First of all, let me say this poem is very dynamic and powerful. So, let us get on with it. I'm more of a content person, so I will comment on your content.
Hm..I'm not really sure about the simile there of a lynched rabbit. Lynched is an awkward word here already, but a lynched rabbit is just a tag strange. Did you perhaps use rabbit as reference to something pure and innocence? At this time, always go to the thesaurus for help. Is what is for! Besides from that, everything else is alright.
-So you remember they were once gentle, what are they now? Detail, even just a little bit is sometimes helpful. But these are just minor suggestions.
The ending, I have to admit is a tag mystifying but overall, is a good point! Well done!
-Laure
Hi!
I love how the first part of the poem describes the action rather than telling what the poet's feelings. It allows the reader to feel what is perceived based on the poet/speaker's actions.
*Nice simile, but to be honest, it's a bit awkward. Finding the perfect simile is quite difficult.
*Is it a personification? I'm not so sure with this line.
Tone of voice coincides with the theme. It looks very sad, feeling frustrated and despair. The last part looks like there is a hope, but it ended in a less convincing / obvious.
Maybe you need some more lines to explain why the speaker feels she gone when actually already (get what is lost/what she wanted) to see and feel him. It's maybe an irony within the poem itself. The reader have to find the real meaning behind the word 'gone'.
The use of punctuation is good. It does affect the tone and straighten the meanings of the poem. I enjoyed reading your poem and I wish to see more from you!
Keep writing and good luck.
Hey Tiny here!
I reallllyyy love this. I have made a couple changes to it to maybe improve it, its my opinion though so take it or leave it.
I scream and thrash against you,
Willing you to hear my pleads .
My cries like a lynched rabbit
Falling into welcome ears .
I try to separate us, reclaim my body
But I remember you .
I remember those hands, once gentle
And I hope for an end .
Reach for something lost
And I see you, feel you
And I'm gone .
Besides the last I'm (you had I"m) I would have to say the poem is otherwise perfect. It was simple yet deep and I could tell it had a lot of meaning to you. Again those marks in bold are only suggestions, no need to apply them.
Keep Writing