Tell me what you think....
So much beauty
Erupted from a seed
Velvet petals of pink
So fragile, like china
Like the skin of an angel
Glowing, angelic
The sun pouring life down
Into its soul
Like sugar it shines
Radiant is the Lily
Precious as gold
Or the heart of a child.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey! I didn't mind this poem but it needs some work. The imagery is there but probably the flow is missing as well as a generally direction. It feels incomplete, that's why it has really no direction. If you could elongate it somehow, it is likely it would improve the quality of the poem but not necessarily fix it. Punctuation needs to be looked over. Other than that, you have the makings of a fine writer.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hello Butterfingers!
I really liked this, I loved the imagery used.
I do agree, however, with Kingolions in that I thought this could have been expanded more. There is so much you could write about a Lily. You could write it like a life cycle in a way up until the Lily withers and dies which would give you a lot more opportunity for more of your beautiful imagery.
The only line I had a problem with is this one:
I don't think that this image is strong enough really. Sugar doesn't really shine and I can't picture it. If you used something else I think it would strengthen the image. I think you were probably trying to avoid being cliche but because you have used other original imagery then I it's alright to use a bit of a cliche for this line. You could use: gems;jewel;star;snow (in the light)
The only other point I had was the punctuation. There were places where there were natural stops and there needed to be either a comma or a period in there. If you were aiming for enjambment it didn't really work I'm afraid, I think this works with the lines end-stopped anyway. Here I've added in some punctuation in bold:
There, with this punctuation in the poem makes a little more sense and it helps the natural stops to happen. (It also lets the reader breathe!
Other than these points I really enjoyed it! I loved your imagery and the description you used. I thought it was really beautiful. If you have any questions about what I have put then please PM me.
Well Done!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia
Hey. I thought that this was good. The imagery is good, and I can see what you are trying to say. I only really have two things to say about it.
The fist is that I think that it can be expanded on. If you keep the same last line, which is really good, but made it a bit longer, I think it would be a lot better.
The second, is that I think one of your lines don't work well. Where you say, 'So fragile, like china'. I think you should substitute the word china for something else. I think it just takes away from the effect that the poem has. (But this is all just what I think.) But what you have is good.
I'm not good at reviewing poetry, but I think this was a very nice poem. You did a really good job with the imagery; the descriptions were very vivid. I look forward to reading more of your beautiful poetry. Good luck with your writing~bluewaterlily.