Have you ever had a moment when all you want to do is run? Well, here's my side...sorta...Critique!
She runs
Legs pumping
Wind rushing
Blood hammering
She runs
Away from hurt
Dark days
Darker nights
She runs
Making the ground pulse
Sending vibrations through the earth
She runs
Free.
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140,103 Literary Works • 673,002 Reviews
Good wording, it was really good wording.
And I think there are people that would run with you too, for freedom, but also for love.
Great work sis! You always succeed in blowing me away
Great use of imagery, it makes it quite easy to imagine it. I agree with rayneisthename when she said that we all want to run away sometimes, and you captured that in this piece.
That is my favorite part. Great job! And thank you for your comment on my piece!I appreciate your Critique Incognito! I can definitely see your point. I've always thought of poetry as a way to get away from the strict English teacher way of writing and this place is definitely the place to escape to. Thank you for your thoughts, we all are here to learn from each other and discover our own true voice. I look forward to reading more from you to!
Because you commented on my critique I felt like I should take a gander at some of your work.
And I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.
You see, I understand imagery is not necessary in a piece of poetry, but to me imagery expresses emotions and feelings better then simply stating would. That is the difference between your poem and hers. They are about total different things, obviously, but for me, I gain much more emotion from your work then hers. Yours is much more passionate and I feel the girls feelings, I understand where she is coming from. With that other girls poem I was getting mixed feelings and it didn't quite seem to fit. I want you to understand the difference and where I am coming from with that. Eh, but anyways, this is about your poem and not hers.
Your poem has excellent imagery resulting in much more emotion coming accross from it. Just the action of running shows the urgency the feeling of wanting to escape, to be free. And you got that accross quite well. I am no expert in poetry. I can only review on the overall feeling and impression I get from the poem and what you can do to fix it, and I want you to understand that I get a lot of feeling from this poem, and it almost feels like I am in her shoes. I kind of feel the escalading feeling of finally being free for once. Though its guarenteed someone is going to pop up and critique this better then I can. I just want you to know my feeling about it, and the imagery you used.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is this line;
The word 'vibrations' doesnt seem to fit for me. It is simply because vibrations to me seems mechanical, forced, small and brisk. Not the way running footsteps are in this sense. You are trying to get the feeling of enlightenment, of enjoyment and happiness. Vibrations going through the earth doesnt seem very fetching to achieve such a thing. Not to mention the line before this was pretty much a long the same lines for meaning. I would suggest changing it so something else, or choosing different wording.
And again, you dont have to listen to anything I say. I understand how fragile poetry is and how once it is written it is awfully hard to change. Just keep in mind the things I have said next time. I don't know everything, all I know is the feeling I get from the work.
I hope to see more from you. (:
~Incognito
I loved this because it has sort of a hidden meaning to it. I think we all want to run away sometimes and this is exactly how I would picture it.
Away from hurt
Dark days
Darker nights
She runs
Making the ground pulse
This is my favorite part, I loved the imagery used here.
Keep writing
-Rayne