I posted this a while ago, but only got 1 review! Awwww! If you click this, review it! Rip and Critique please!
Like a shadow he enters my realm, my solitude
Darkening my thoughts and purging the light.
He whispers harsh, seductive, daring words
Pulling me to desperate action.
Planting a scene of scarlet blood
How marvelous the wonder,
How it longs to escape the captive body.
He lounges in my space, nesting like a vulture
Cackling, ridiculing, clawing for result.
Lucifer, he's called
With out a body to control
Oh, how he burns to make me pull the trigger,
Take a life
Take her life...
No, I say
You can't drag me down.
He strokes my cheek, moves in next door
Waiting, Watching, never giving up.
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
perdido! Thanks for your comments! I love constructive criticisms! They always help!
The words are all of those things at different times just so you know.
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Thanks!
The blood longs to escape the body, I know, that part's a bit weird, but it's the thoughts I had at the time.
These were the thoughts of a suicidal moment. Boring??!! Wow, thanks, not.
Like a shadow he enters my realm, my solitude
Darkening my thoughts and purging the light.
He whispers harsh, seductive, daring words
Pulling me to desperate action.
first thing, sorta nitpicky, you don't need to capitalize each new line. Only if its a new sentence, it works the same as prose. Yeah it doesn't really matter but it bugs me dood! I don't know that words can be harsh and seductive and daring at the same time. Maybe pick one of those. Too many adjectives can be a bad thing, yo.
Planting a scene of scarlet blood
How marvelous the wonder,
How it longs to escape the captive body.
He lounges in my space, nesting like a vulture
like the last line of this bit, lounges in my space, nesting like a vulture. The other three lines I found... dull. The word choice seems a little forced ('planting a scene?') How it longs to escape the captive body. It's the body that's captive, or the thing (blood?) that wants to escape from it? A little confusing. Also "how marvelous the wonder?" Give me a break. If it's a 'wonder,' then duh of course its marvelous. You don't have to tell us that.
Cackling, ridiculing, clawing for result.
Lucifer, he's called
With out a body to control
Oh, how he burns to make me pull the trigger,
Take a life
Take her life...
No, I say
You can't drag me down.
He strokes my cheek, moves in next door
Waiting, Watching, never giving up.
so it seems as though this is about demonic possession? I don't know. The power structure in this poem is like an upside down pyramid. It starts stronger than it ends, which I think is a problem. It needs to end much stronger than it starts, with a bang. This sort of just ends at a continuum. I donno. This poem doesn't move me at all, I found it sort of boring.
Come on people! 42 views and only 3 reviews!
I love this! The poem has an almost dream-like quality. I felt as if I was floating through the 'realm' of your mind as I read, being seduced and enticed by 'Lucifer' along with you. The imagery is very vivid, especially in the first two lines. They're fantastic and are a strong, bold start to the poem.
- The verb 'planting' sounds a little bit odd here. You don't usually use it with a noun like 'scene'. It's a great image and I understand what you're trying to convey but the verb throws off the rest of the sentence because it doesn't gel right. Maybe 'playing' or 'fabricating' or something like that would fit it better.I just have a few points to raise,
- Love these lines! Great simile and the verbs fit perfectly with the image.
- ' ' around Lucifer. Also would 'he's named' sound better? I'm not sure though.
- Without is one word.
- 'No', I say, 'You can't drag me down.'
Overall though, I really enjoyed this poem! It's very well written. Keep writing!
WAGH. AWESOME.
It's without, not with out. One word.
Also, unless you want to give it special emphasis, watching shouldn't be capitalized on the last line.
How true this is! I really like this one, because its so easy to relate to. He comes to all of us at one time or another, but you have to resist. Hang on to that light hes blocking and never let go. I really love your work, keep writing.
Best Wishes!