Lay down and breathe
Stand up and breathe
Breathe in and breathe out
Stop, and catch your breath
Die, and lose your breath
I breathe 17,280 times a day
I will not part with it willingly
Only death, and only you
Will ever take my breath away
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141,413 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Hi,
It's an interesting topic for a poem and I can't say I don't dislike it, but I surely like this unique attempt for a poem.
**
Like Lumi said (I agreed with almost everything with Lumi's review), the strongest thing that hits me is the statistic.
And the thing I like about this poem is the flow at the beginning. I surely like the choppy stops, and abrupt starts there. Honestly, if this a spoken word piece, then it really has a strong power there. Although this kind of flow reminds me of this poetry slam, but it is overall has a power that you can experience and explore.
However, I think by adding "running" after "stop" there would interrupt the flow I mentioned earlier. Well, it's your decision.
This poem is portrayed in a simple method. I think you can improve the poem by adding something subtle or something unique that you can call this poem "Only I can write like this". That way, this poem won't be so random and more meaningful.
And in 8th line, you hinted us there is some kind of romance element here, by putting "you". Again, I don't feel this is concrete, and this is more abstract in a bad way like seriously, this "you" can be anyone or anything like for example, your brother (if this is my poem, then "you" would be referred to my little sweet bro XD), or your sister, or mom, or teacher. It is important to remind yourself what would the readers think of this when they read it, and not only what you think when you write this because seriously, it has a huge gaps.
**
Okay, overall, nice poem. I got nothing more to add, so wishing you good luck with writing. ^_^
Keep writing.
~memo
Thankyou for the poem your right it what you say, I will look into fixing it haha
Thanks a heap
No problem.
(That video just came into my mind suddenly and sharing is caring. XD)
In all of this, the thing that hits me the hardest is the statistic, though the delivery is not exactly apropos for a romantic poem. This all reminds me of guided meditation, eyes-closed, voice whispered in the earbuds of eternity where there is only you and the voice of the cosmos, and the cosmos sounds like Lisa Kudrow.
For flow, there's decorum to make the place look nicer:
So visually it's no masterpiece, and the only issue I have conceptually is that romantically this person places his great love on a scale with the great destroyer of lives and ruiner of worlds. Ah well, it'll be one of you. There needs to be something to elevate her beyond the realm of death's power, and I think you are capable of it.
Chat me up sometime. Hope this helps,
Ty
I agree with you except for the last line you fixed, I made it that way because I like having breathe in the line it sounds write to me. But I would fix it to the way you made it, but then it would besically be yours haha
anyway thanks
Hey Hey,
How are you? Ready for a review?
Oh la la! I like this a lot! A love poem which is only shown to be one on the last two verses! I did not expect that. First I thought it might be a poem about people with anxiety, reminding them to breathe.
"Only death, and only you
Will ever take my breath away"
One little thing you need to do is add some punctuation here and there, to remind people where they can take a breathe, hahaha.Just some commas and stops.
The poem is short and sweet. And I...think it's now one of my favourites....
How do you review a poem you really really like?
Anyway, very VERY well done! The simplicity, the easy memorable verses, the sweetness.
Love,
Lau.
Omg you made my day thankyou so much
Well your poem made mine! You're an amazing writer!