You played hide and seek,
A lot.
Now you're hiding,
And we can’t find you.
When you were eight,
You favourite hiding spot was,
Under the trampoline.
When you were twelve,
it was under the office desk.
When you were sixteen,
at school,
always the library.
Eighteen, the Greenway bridge.
We can seek no longer,
Under that bridge.
God already found you.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Heya, Burrow! Casanova here to do a review for you as promised! Anyway, I'll be taking this section by section(stanza by stanza) So I hope you don't mind. Anyway, to the review!
Anyway, I like the first line of this, but I felt like you should expand on the hide and seek a bit more. You go into a permanent hide and seek type thing, but I feel like this should be a bit more playful than the serious tone it has, if you catch what I mean. I mean, I get that it's a serious topic, it seems as if you're talking about death here, but I don't think the playfulness would hurt it too much, if you're reminiscing about someone playing hide and seek.
Here you're just giving us a shopping list of used to be things. Expand on the images and create the feeling of fear or something, that way we can put ourselves inside the poem.
Alright, here's where I think that you're talking about death. "We can seek no longer/God already found you." That does make it seem like death, and I feel like you don't really do that topic justice. There's no emotion nor barely any imagery here, and it seems a bit bland and I think that you could do better than that. Expand on images, create your world with emotions, and let us feel what you're wanting us to see. Let us put ourselves in the poem, and let us feel.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thanks a heap I will look into fixing it
Hey! It's Mahvash here. I officially loved this poem. This is so engaging and so touching. You have amazingly described your state of mind and the game hide and seek. The selection of words makes this poem so interesting. The last lines are specially so heart wrenching.
But dear there is a mistake. Like you have written your instead of "you're". Use a little more imagery to make it incredible. But overall it is amazing.
Thank you
Dear Burrow,
How do I even begin?
This poem is amazing. I absolutely love it. It makes a comparison between the childish games of hide and seek to the mysterious (yet brutally depressing) teenage behavior. A comparison but also a divide.
I am as in love with this poem as I am with my teddy bear --> and believe me that goes a long way.
NightKaizer wrote a very well done review, and perhaps I did not look at this poem the same as he/she did. But, I still found it most interesting.
Thank you for opening this poem to YWS. Pleasure reading it
Sincerely,
bmnovelist
Thankyou, that review made my day
Spreading smiles since 2001
or at least attempting XD
haha yeah
HEELLO Burrow,
A poem about a teenager who was killed. By what? Since the poem ends with the last hiding place- a bridge- I'm willing to accept that he was killed by, well, a bridge.
I like how you did a time lapse in between. From eight to twelve to sixteen to eighteen. I also understand that in most situations, eighteen is "coming-of-age". And it can be stressful. Maybe that's why the teen was found by God.
This poem is strangely touching. it feels as if the teenager had a tragic life, always hiding.
Don't hid from your fears,
Night Kaizer
Thanks for the review! and yeah that was what I was kinda trying to get across