Everything can't always be perfect,
just like the sun can't shine forever.
But I thought we were perfect,
the greatest of the two being you.
That look you gave when you looked at me,
sent more shivers down my spine,
than a cold and windy winter's night.
But now it is full of hate,
and I know I am the reason why.
I fell down, I messed up.
I don't expect an easy recovery.
But I didn't expect this either.
Didn't deserve any of this.
But maybe you derserve better.
Maybe you deserve better than me,
better than what I have to offer.
Baby, you derserve the world,
and all it's shining lights.
I just wish I was the one holding you at night.
Because ever since I fell down,
you have found yourself with someone else.
I guess you think she is better than me.
But you both are just dogs,
just two mutts in a bed.
Maybe that is why you fit so magically.
Baby, I didn't lie when I said I loved you.
But damn, you kicked me while I was down.
And now you took her with you.
I am happy for you two,
don't get me wrong I really am.
And please don't confuse this with jealousy,
because baby honestly,
there isn't anything to be jealous of.
She has ticks and she has fleas,
and just wait until you catch them,
because then you will be the one begging.
Begging to come back into my heart,
my home, my bed.
And I think it is kind of funny now,
looking back at all of our memories.
I thought you were so perfect for me.
I couldn't be more wrong.
I can't believe I ever layed with you,
I should have known you were no good.
Should have known she wasn't either.
But you made your choice,
now go lay with your horrid bitch.
I hope you have enough protection,
because her fleas and ticks will consume you.
And when they do, don't come back to me.
My heart, my home, my bed, are no longer open to you,
or to my so called "best friend".
Hey Brokenskye,
The progression in this poem felt a bit bogged down/weighty - I think it can actually be shorten and be read more concisely. Remember you want to be precise. "Say it once, say it right!"
I also felt that the poem felt a bit personal - in the sense that it seemed to be about an I/you over and over there is the speaker talking about some "you" and a broken heart/cheating/unrequitted love and all that, which is great - I feel like the message and the emotion came across, but it didn't really evoke emotion in the reader as much as it could have. I think part of the reason is because it's so closed (you/I) that there's no space for the reader to come in and connect or sympathize.
That being said, the more interesting bit to this was the dog/fleas comparison and I think that just goes to show the power of metaphors/figurative language. Perhaps by using more imagery/metaphors, which is something that the reader can dive right into and connect with, it might fix that problem and open the poem up a little more.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions and if you ever want to chat this out.
~ as always, Audy
Hi! Annapurna here!
Firstly I like the poem over all; I like your use of metaphors and the story you're telling.
However half way through the poem you begin to ramble a bit and repeat the same messages. Maybe try not to include so many stanzas because at the moment it doesn't flow too smoothly.
Overall though I think it is very gripping at the beginning! you have a bunch of great ideas and this poem is really on it's way to becoming really great!
Keep writing!
The whole vibe seems awkward, as though you're trying to be rhythmical but you're not. I like the overall message and the metaphor/analogy. All in all a good piece, pretty long though.
Sorry I suck at reviews. But yeah. It was kind of hard to read for me because the pace was awkward. Maybe try more line breaks? I don't know.
Yeah.
Keep writing.
Peace xx
~Ayden~~