Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
that's deep and kind of relieving to know that your pain has ended in this poem its almost calming to know and I can just picture myself there I'd be shocked by the events unfolding before my eyes but then a calming sense of realization would come over me as I notice its almost over for you I would be glad your pain had come to an end and I would be restless for days knowing what I saw this poem was a pleasure to read thank you for reading my opinion
BrokenSkye;
When I began to read this poem it started off typical - like something I'd heard more than a million times. But, as I read on, I saw the personal 'flavor' you added to it. You really started catching my eye at:
"You rip the knife out,
and start your masterpiece,
splattering the walls with crimson."
I thought that was truly creative right there. I can tell you were in the zone when you wrote that because it really speaks to me. The way it sounds, the way it flows. Love it.
I must say though, the ending was a bit ant-climactic.,"Crimson and white, that's all I see." I thought maybe you were going to incorporate it into the poem more than that, but it works. Other than that, it was wonderful.
Keep on writing!
Hi Roxy here!
It's a really interesting poem! I love the title, the idea of the contrasting colours, and then in the poem the contrasting personalities of the person you once knew and loved and the person now standing before you, really nicely done!
I dont think that you should have commas at the end of every sentence, its distracting and slightly takes away from the read, so maybe look into that!
I think the poem becomes more confident as it goes on, the first paragraph is a little blunt in what its saying whereas the last few paragraphs are filled with emotion and more lyrically written, if you could add a bit more of this lyrical quality to the first few paragraphs, while still keeping the message that they hold, I think that this could be an even more awesome poem!
"My pain disappears within a blink,
but then, so does the world.
Crimson and white, that's all I see."
These are my favorite sentences, just brilliant!
All in all a brillaint piece, and with one or two tweeks it could become even more awsome!
Keep it up!
I am glad that you liked it, I will try and fix the first three stanzas so that they are as powerful as the last three. I do agree that it in the beginning it is kind of blunt. But thanks for your review!