When I spin around,
my head gets dizzy,
and after that
I feel so fizzy.
Once I spin around,
I fall onto the ground,
and listen to the sound
that my heart makes.
I feel like a flying saucer,
crashing on the ground,
letting my head
roll around with different thoughts.
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi, Unnatural here to review
This really caught my attention because I love spinning around sometimes and thinking about what it feels like while I'm spinning
Hahaha I really loved your word choices like "fizzy" because it was just new and fresh. Feeling fizzy can't really be described, but at the same time I really know what you mean. You feel me?
maybe you could write: "I fall onto the ground, then listen to the sound" instead because you have too many "and"s.
and in the last stanza:
why don't you put:
"and my head
rolls around with different thoughts"
because you don't "let" you head get dizzy. It just happens. And because of parallelism, don't write "letting".
Anyways, great poem overall! Keep up the good work!!
Hi!
I really like this poem for its simplicity. It works well with the idea of spinning around. One thing I want to say is that I love that you broke the rhyme pattern with the line eighth line: "that my heart makes." But I think you should include more internal rhyme (rhyming in the line instead of at the end) so that when you read the poem, you feel dizzy yourself.
Sincerely,
Dianne E.C.E.
Ok, thanks for the review!
Wow. I like how it was simple but had so much that i could relate to. The rhyming through out the poem was good but the last line i didn't see a rhyme to go with it. But besides that it all looks good to me. Keep up the good work.
Yeah, I didn't mean to make the last poem rhyme.
Hey Sunset!
Again — nice poem. And I like your topic, too, it's very unique.
Edits:
I know you were trying to rhyme fizzy with dizzy, but what?
Fizzy doesn't make sense. Fizzy as in sprite?
It may sound better if you make it "listening".
This last line seemed really long compared to the other lines in the poem. Shorten it maybe...?
Overall, this poem was great! You told us how you felt about spinning. Great!
Hope this helps~
I think I like my other poem better, but still, this one is fine.
yo yo, veeren here to critique your adorable little poetry here.
alright, first off is your structure. of course to be poetry, it usually has to look like poetry. now this isn't a problem here, but what is a problem are the lines themselves. what you seem to have done here is take three regular sentences and split them up after commas and turned them into individual lines. not really "poetic" if you ask me. but then again, why would you ask me, i don't know much xp
looking like a poem is just half the job, the rest comes with what is in the poem itself. while yes, there are people who just take sentences and turn them into poetry (walt whitman, anyone?), their thoughts are expressed in such a way that you can find a bigger picture by putting the small details together. what you have here is a simple description that gives us the big picture in enough detail. this isn't a bad thing, of course, but for a poem, it's... er, questionable xp
now this isn't all bad of course. if you must know, when i spin around my head also gets dizzy while i feel fizzy. your sentences are grammatically correct, and it seems as if you emphasize your poetry looking proper. this is good. while some people (moi *cough cough*) prefer various other stylistic choices, it's entirely acceptable to have your poems adhere to the norms of a prose work.
one nitpick i do have, however, if the last line:
i feel like it would be much better split in two, as so:
if gives the reader a chance to breathe and allows them to focus on the message. emphasis is a wonderful thing you know
otherwise good work. i look forward to more pieces from you
Yeah, I thought that about that line, too. It's my second poem, so it may not be the best.
no worries, we're all here to help you in your poetic ventures xp
Thanks!