I absolutely hate it
when there's no wifi.
*
I kind of want
to break my device.
*
Instead, I have to
play the dinosaur game.
*
My high score on it
is about 1,000.
*
Sometimes, though,
I just play it for fun.
*
I have to admit,
I am pretty good at it.
*
I guess it's okay
that I have no wifi.
*
Because I can still play
the awesome dino game.
A/N: This is actually true - I like to play the dinosaur game and I think my high score is around 1,000, maybe higher. Normally I end up playing on it for hours or so, because I lose track of time.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
We meet again Sunset101. Hello!
What about:
"I kind of want to
break my device"
It puts the suspense first and ends the line properly.
Instead, I have
a dinosaur game to play.
This does not have a flow. The two stanzas don't really go together.
Try:
My high score on it
Is about 1000
I only reach that goal
When the WiFi is down
Sometimes though,
I just play it for fun.
Surely you play some other games...
That's that part done. Now, normally, poems go in a flow. That flow that connects the whole poem together is normally the rhymes. Need some ideas for rhymes? Just search up the web. If you want a really good example of rhyming but still in a story form, read Dr Seuss's. Those books are amazing. Trust me.
That's it.
~~Tay01
Hey, yo, Sunset101! Stranger here on this wonderful day and I have a review for you!
Alright, this is going to be fairly short as I have nothing really to comment on. There isn't that much meat on the bone to tear away so it makes it difficult to give a proper analysis on it. I can't say this is a bad poem, but I can't say it's a great poem either. It's incredibly simplistic, childish, and light hearted, which is hard to dig deep into. Let's jump into this, shall we?
This feels forced, to be honest. "I kind of" is an awkward phrase, but I can see why you used it, so the line wouldn't be that short. I would suggest finding a different phrase to replace it.
A little bit too conversational for me to digest. It would be substantially better if you said "I have to admit that", it would look much better on the surface.
That's the biggest problem I have with this, all this is is "surface". I get that you're having fun with it but at least try to add more creativity with it instead of have some silly poem talking about a game. If you added more depth, it would be a substantially more funnier and better poem.
Keep writing, and stay groovy!
This is so cute!!
Hi, this is Meda for a review~
(I actually didn't know what the dinosaur game was until I googled it just a few seconds ago -.-)
So, this is a really original topic I think. The style reminds me a lot of the kind of stuff I was writing back when I was in seventh grade, maybe? (I see that you're eleven--congrats on being brave enough to post your stuff! I was always to shy to do so, haha)
I was a little bit confused about how it's stylized though. Why are there asterisks between stanzas? Does it have something to do with the game? Is it a stylistic choice? It broke my immersion, to be honest. I want to note a few other things: it might be a good idea to play around with punctuation a little bit. I know that personally I really started to get how punctuation influences a poem when I read Jorie Graham's Never. A period or a semicolon can really impact how the poem comes across.
Thank you for posting, and keep writing!
Meda~
Your welcome! And the asterisks were to separate the stanzas, because they wouldn't separate on their own. I know it can be confusing though!