I am forgotten
still all alone,
stuck in the shadows,
and never shown.
* *
People either scream,
or run away,
But what they don't realize
is I just want to play.
* *
I'll always be forgotten,
to many, to most,
I am what they call
a lurking, forgotten ghost.
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
**For this review, I am going to break every four lines into stanzas so it can be read more easily. I suggest doing this whenever writing a poem.
I really liked this poem. Here's my review.
This is a good opening stanza for a poem. Though it is vague, it gets the readers curious. Perhaps the lack of detail is what made me think. When I read this, I mentally pause after the first line. You may or may not wanted this stanza to be read this way, but that's how I see it.
I don't think that you intended to capitalize 'but' in the third line of this stanza. I would've put 'is that I just want to play'. This makes it more clear and less foggy to the mind. That line maybe is appropriate, because it sounds a little cryptic, and this is a poem from the viewpoint of a ghost.
First, I will say that I love your choice of words in these last lines. ' To many, to most' is pleasingly alliterative to speak. The last line though, sounds a little rough. I think the reason being is because it is longer than the rest. When this occurs in my writing, as it often does, I look for shorter synonyms. If that doesn't work, I consider changing the line completely.
After reading this, I debated if this was supposed to be interpreted literally as a poem by a ghost. The other option that popped up was that it was a metaphor for something more deep. If the poem itself wasn't a metaphor, then I suggest spicing it up with a little figurative language to color it.
That's my review. Thanks for the read.
I know. I was going to do that, but something was weong with my device. Thanks anyway.
Finally fixed it!
Hey there.
I like the simplicity of this poem, the rhyme scheme also adds to the flow and it's really nice,
I'd prefer it to be more expressive though.
Lengthen it a little. There is a skeleton, a good constructive, but not a lot of content. I understand that maybe you wanted to make it short. But after I read it, I thought you'd make it a great poem if you put your heart and soul into it.
Anyhow, I enjoyed it. Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Thanks..
Hi there!
and sometimes the shortest endings are the most powerful.
I love the simplicity of your poem, its clear but moving. It flowed really well although I'd say the last line is too long and disrupts the pace of the poem.
"a lurking and forgotten ghost" change this to "a forgotten ghost" - then the poem will flow perfectly
Other than that I thought this was a great little poem, I could really connect and relate to the narrative, great job.
Keep writing,
~*Annapurna*~
Thank you for your review. When I get the time I will switch that error.
I definitely enjoy how simple and to the point this is. The wording flows beautifully and conveys the message clearly without there being too much if you get what I mean? I know everyone at one point in time will feel like they are forgotten, alone and barely even existing in this world. A ghost for others to use and or ignore at their whim.
An amazing job.
Thank you!
Hello there! I am trying to get a template set up so all this reviewing I hope to do be doing is a little easier, so you get to be the test subject! So here we go. I'll start with grammar issues. If I seem overly picky, my apologies, this is just the way I review!
"People either scream, or they run away" For that couplet, I feel like the "they" could be omitted just for a smoother read, so the length of the lines matches each other a little more.
"but what they don't realize - I just want to play." In this couplet, the "but" needs to be capitalized and I feel like an "is" should be added before "I" making the couplet look like this, "But what they don't realize, is I just want to play." Also omitting the hyphen. It looks and sounds good either way.
"a lurking, forgotten, ghost." For this line, you have a comma in the wrong place. You should remove the comma before forgotten, after lurking and replace it with an "and" as well as remove the comma after forgotten, so it looks like this, "A lurking and forgotten ghost." No commas!
Now, onto the emotional ins and outs of this poem. It is short, but it packs a lot of punch, as the poem eludes to both feelings of loneliness and rejection, something every human goes through, therefore making it a very connectable poem, so kudos for that!
"I'll always be forgotten, to many, to most" I like this line because it still eludes to hope, as many and most is still not everyone, which is a good, but cleverly disguised note for your poem. Good job all around,
Wow! You had a lot to say. I will try to edit some of what you said!
No problem
This a clear poem with a very easily identified tone. If you ever feel the need to add any extra ideas later on or revise it, I suggest stressing the loneliness of the ghost. For instance, you could try adding the emotional toll of being alone or maybe create even more of a setting by describing what it's like living in the shadows while all of life is moving around the ghost. You could even try really making this authentic by giving the ghost's perspective on people telling/believing ghost stories (from it's view would be considered rumors, lies, etc.) This has some really nice potential that can be added onto if you ever feel the need to because of the many angles it gives. Keep writing
Good suggestion. I will definetly consider that. ^_^