It started out so innocently.
So solemn and quiet.
You were just another face,
Lost in the sea of humanity.
*
But then you started to speak to me.
You had something that I'd never seen.
I found myself earning for your presence.
You were the reason I woke up in the morning.
*
The way you smiled made my heart race.
Your glimmering eyes made my nerves tingle.
I never realized I had fallen so deeply
Into a love I knew could never exist.
*
You never knew the way I felt.
You had seen us as only friends.
I would just clench my jaw and agree,
To scared and worried to say anything.
*
But, it remains to late.
I have already fallen to deep,
And loves tender embrace
Doesn't want to help me up.
*
So, I remain stuck in the deep pit
Of a secret passionate love.
And the scary thing is,
I don't know how to get out.
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
You wrote a beautiful poem and did a wonderful job. And I liked the last four lines the best.About love being a deep pit almost impossible to get out. Keep it up!
Hi! Hermione here for a review. I enjoyed this poem and the sense of helplessness and desperation that you expressed when it comes to person that secretly loves someone they can never have. I especially liked the lines that read, "And loves tender embrace doesn't want to help me back up." It showed the unforgiving side of love. How that once you've fallen, it's nearly impossible to get back up. Here is another line that I liked the idea of but thought may need to be reworded:
The second line seemed a little off to me, like maybe it's one syllable too long or one syllable short. This is a suggestion of how I'd go about rewording it (even though it's completely up to you whether you decide to or not because it isn't bad how it is):
"I never realized I had fallen so deeply
Into a love that could never exist."
'Had seen' in the second line should be changed to 'saw'. Whenever you say 'clench my jaw', there's a mood shift in the poem (whether it was intended or not). Suddenly it seems like the narrator is angry at his love, which to me seems out of place. Of course that's my own personal opinion and it's up to you whether or not you want to portray the narrator's feelings that way. I suggest changing it to say 'bite my tongue' instead. That would better portray the thought that he wants to speak up, but he's too scared. Also, in the last line, 'to' should be changed to 'too'. There were a few other places you made that particular mistake in your poem, so you might want to proofread.
Those were the only few mistakes I noticed. I hope that I wasn't too harsh and that you can find this review helpful. Overall, you did an excellent job on this. It was super easy to sympathize with the person's situation, and I'm sure this poem is relatable to a lot of people. It definitely was to me. Keep writing!
Awwww! This is adorable!
Ah! The feels!
I hope everything works out for you. Great job!
Never stop writing!
XxX
Awwww! This is adorable!
Ah! The feels!
I hope everything works out for you. Great job!
Never stop writing!
XxX
This poem describes the feeling of a person deeply in love. It gives us, the readers, both sides of love: pain and happiness. Your poem reflects the "real" love and, thus, I find it realistic. I'll not comment on the technical/structural aspects as I'm not very familiar with poetry. That aside, I enjoyed reading it.
Just few nitpicks:
"Earning" should be "yearning".
"To" should be "too".
Overall, beautifully written.
Well done, and keep writing!
this poem truly describes love from the sight of sm1 who is not bold enough to say hat he/she is in love. or it may be that love had made him so weak.then it bis serious issue. i love the way u narrated the poem. the line that he was another face hid in the face of humanity is my favourite line.u wanted to confess but cant .once again the illogical sate when one cannot reason for his actions like rising is brought out very beautifully. this poem has a lyrical quality for me. congrats on a good work. lastly confess ur love else as u said it is late ,u cant comeout of it.
Hi.
Hallo, let see here. Oh! I had secret loves too and a lot of them. This was great; I was scared. Scared, if the things you wrote are true and next, I'll have a lot of troubles. The way you made this poem was quite good but are you sure to have the dot..dot..dot after a stanza and another? Overall, I love this and I hope this helped even it was short.