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I think what you have as the first line is actually supposed to be the title, so if I were you, I'd separate it.
This whole thing made no sense to me. Still they say 'dumb and in lust'? Are people talking? I don't even know.
For some reason, this poem made me feel tired. I think that's maybe how you felt when you wrote this. Tired and looking for an outlet or an escape, and used writing as exactly that. It was nice, I suppose. But I can't help feeling that it wasn't what it could have been. Maybe that's just me, but I think this poem didn't live up to expectations.
Sorry, I'm not making sense right now. It's my eleventh review and things are just starting to run together.
Hello, misstoria. Alvarin here to review
I agree with PenguinAttack about the short lines, and how it messes with the flow. I also want to point out that you've written I like i in some places. Probably just a typo, but I thought I should point it out so you can fix it.
I don't think that there's any need for you to write more about why the narrator's father doesn't like the boyfriend/girlfriend, I like it vague, but maybe that's just me. The vagueness makes it possible to apply it on almost anything. I do, on the other hand, think that some more descriptions and/or emotions would lift the poem, and put the reader in the mood.
I think there should be quotes here, since someone else is saying it.
All in all, I liked the poem. It was quite easy to read and understand, and I liked the little story in it and how you can apply it to many situations.
Good work, keep writing more
Hey misstoria,
The best thing I can say about this is its sweet. And truthful. Its all quite lovely and nice.
BUT. It also sounds like something you'd put in a greetings card. Because it's cliche. "Kiss and makeup", "learn and love", "looking into your eyes", "I simply whisper forever". It's like a carousel of bad rom coms. If you were writing this to put in a Valentine's Day card, I'd give you 9 out of 10.
There's just nothing here that makes me care about the narrator (which I assume is you). The ONLY time you mention something particularly personal is the bit about your dad and how he somehow hates your partner more than war. That was the best bit and that's a pretty poor analogy.
Drop most of this and give me a poem from deep within your bones. I want to know how you feel using your OWN words, not words you've subconsciously acquired form Hollywood or Hallmark or High School. Poetry is messy and open and all your emotions are out there for everyone to see. That's how it should be done. Not like this, where I can't see anything about you. It's boring, it's what 99% of people would write if asked to write a poem about how love can be hard but is essentially worth it in the end.
Show me something unique, show me something new, show me something that only YOU could write. And then I'll come back.
Good luck.
Hi Misstoria!
I feel like I’ve seen you about a lot but not commented on your work so much? I don’t know. xD This seems like a very sweet poem, but you’re doing really funky things with your structure!
I like to think we can punctuate poetry like we do prose, putting in capital letters, commas and full stops where applicable. That also means that we should be more comfortable with longer line breaks. What I mean by this is that your poem lacks rhythm because we’re breaking so often to move to another line that we get distracted. You should be able to flow from one line to another. Conversely, we should be ending on hard words, or words which are not transitional. Which is to say, not “in” or “the” or the like, because they’re soft and you want your lines to have strong definition and character. At least, I certainly do! (Writing this in Word is alerting me to my terrible sentence structure!)
What I find difficult, and this will tie into your structure, is that you don’t have a lot of meat on these bones. We get a bit of description here and there to keep us really moving through the poem. Right now when we slide down those lines, we’re hitting the bumps and rocks of elbows and knees but I’d love for us to be sliding down a belly or shin or something with a softer landing. That’s because love isn’t easy and it’s hard but it’s also buoyant and joyful and we need to fill in some of those blanks. The dad hating the boy more than war is a good line, though I think we need some background as to why. I feel like perhaps this is an age differential love. That’s an awkward topic to be talking about, so I don’t mind the vagueness here. I do think you could shape the dad’s reasoning a little more; I worried a little about domestic violence between your Narrator and her man. But settled on a relationship her parents don’t like and that’s most likely age. I have to speculate because you haven’t given much in the way of help, for my little brain to know about the context of your poem. Context helps the meat form, all that muscle and sinew and the description is the skin we pull over it to make it look nice.
If you change this, please let me know! Same if you have any questions.
-Pen
I like this. It's sweet and sort of innocent in a way, and I think you get the message across really well. It is slightly predictable, like most of the poems that talk about love, but it's still a very good poem. I think you have a lot of potential as a poet