empty footsteps; shadows, legless,
crawl up my thighs, make the bed of snow crunch
its approval (denial), holds me down, nails in my limbs.
Latching leeches, podless peaches.
empty skull, tainted mind, gray matter gone gray.
Fetch the hammer. Drive pointing, prodding fingers
through my skin. nails leave furrows, fury leaves marks.
fury of kind to shame, shameless masks reveal
poverty in flesh.
head on block,
indifferent axe swings.
Feel free to grasp your hair.
Who knows? might help.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello life. Jordin here to write you a review for you your work and my team, I hope it is of some use to you in your writing.
Firstly I would Capitalize the first letter of each line in this poem.
This is good it sounds very christian but there were a few other problems that I noticed, I would advise you read through it find the mistakes and correct them.
In other words I absolutely loved it.
Your Spelling, punctuation, grammar and stuff like that was great.
Keep writing and good luck.
Until later "Good bye."
~Jon~
Hello there! I can't believe this hasn't received any reviews, well not to worry, I am here to fix that! Let's have a closer look, shall we?
While I adore the sounds of this line, the images are awkward because what's a podless peach? Only peas have pods so how can a peach be podless? It's a cool word, but there's not enough to back it up. I'd say if you had more strange words like this and you were verging on a nonsense poem then go for it because it does suggest a sort of hollowness, but the rest of your poem has too much clarity for this to work.Specifics
1. The first line is currently a huddle of words that don't have much meaning. They create disconnected images and don't give you reader much to work with. However! If you were to add a few more words, this could be really cool. Here's an example:
empty footsteps in the shadows of the legless
It would also emphasise your half rhyme of footsteps and legless more because it gives your reader a little breathing space to hear the sound of the words.
2. I think crunch needs to be on the next line! Otherwise I'm reading this as 'snow crunch' and wondering if that's some kind of awesome monster. If you have it go over the line, we'll be able to follow much more easily.
3. I like the denial in brackets, that's nice!
4.
Overall
I think that more could have been done with this, especially with your title. I wanted to see this persona shelled out, to see what has been taken away from them to leave them in such a state, but I couldn't get a grip on that. I want to know details! There's some nice emotion and some pretty cool imagery going on here but at the end of the day we have a persona fighting with their bed and floating skulls, axes, hammers. I want to know how she/ he got there and what's going on! Give us hints of why they are this way. I do like that you end on an uncertainty though, that was cool.
Hopefully this gives you a few ideas. Keep writing and maybe I'll see you around,
Heather xxx