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Young Writers Society


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War of Dawn - Chapter 2

by Costa


Chapter 2: Divine Burden

Date: 1003 After Dawn, May 15th

Indeed, Hilda didn't sleep as well as she should have. Taking a look at the mirror, some slight bags have taken up residence under her eyes, courtesy of that dream. While getting dressed, it doesn't take long for her to hear some loud swooshes coming from outside. Seems like the weather has decided to get very windy overnight and that bodes ill for her.

Closing her eyes and clenching her jaw, Hilda walks down the bar's steps praying to herself: "Please, please, please..."

Her prayers go unanswered, unfortunately. One of the bar's rickety windows has broken under the mighty gusts of wind and the whole area around it, plus furniture, is filled with dirt and snow from the street.

"Of course..." she grumbles.

After nailing the broken window shut, Hilda finds herself a broom and gets to re-cleaning the place up. It takes half an hour to get it all done by herself. Her day is not off to a very good start. Taking a deep breath, she calms herself down and goes have breakfast. Once again, the usual bread and cheese – though, just this once, Hilda takes a small mug of coffee. Her face scrunches up as if she licked a lemon on the very first sip; she's never liked bitter stuff, but she needs to wake up.

Edda arrives just as she's finishing eating, covered from head to toe in a heavy woolen coat and scarf, straining herself to close the bar's door against the wind outside.

"Urgh... that's some awful weather we have today," she says with a gasping breath.

"You're telling me. It broke that window and made a mess of the place," Hilda answers, greeting Edda from behind the counter.

Edda sighs, looking at the weary girl with sympathy. "Oh, you really should've waited for me to get here. I could've helped with that."

"It was no problem. Besides, the way things are looking outside, I reckon this'll be a very slow day."

"Hm, you might be right. People'll likely stay home." Edda hangs her coat and scarf on a hook set by the kitchen. "The guild will need its lunch, though, so there's that."

"You're up, then. I'll get the tables set up in any case." Hilda punctuates her statement with one final drink of her coffee, her face once again crumpling over the sharp taste. "Argh... How do people like this crap...?"

"It's an acquired taste. You'll see, once you're older," Edda laughs.

Hilda gets the plates and steins all in their usual position and the bar opens for business on time. But, as expected, no clients come during the morning. Bored out of her mind and with nothing to do, she resorts to flipping through Gustaff's book of drinks. His special recipes have quite the many fans, so it's always good for the resident waitresses to learn how to make them. That aside, there are only so many recipes one can read before it starts to drag and, despite the coffee, the lack of sleep starts getting to Hilda.

Propping her cheek onto her right hand, she closes her eyes and begins dozing off. That is, until a voice cuts across the silence, whispering to her – the same whisper as her dream. Looking around the bar, however, there isn't anyone.

"Hello?" she calls out.

"What?" answers Edda, pitching her body over to the kitchen door.

"No, not you..." Hilda waves her off, still giving the empty establishment the look-over. "Wait. Did- Did you hear that, just now?"

Edda shakes her head in negation. "Not a thing. Why?"

"I dunno," Hilda answers, confused. "I had this weird dream last night and could swear I just heard the same voice I did then..."

"What voice? Saying what?"

"Again, no idea. The dream didn't make sense – just a bunch of random stuff." Hilda shrugs, moving off the counter and leaning by the kitchen door. "What do you think?"

A pensive frown forms across Edda's face. "Huh... that's strange, alright. But since you were drinking coffee, I'm guessing you didn't get much sleep. Maybe that drowsiness is making you hear things?"

"I guess," Hilda puckers her lips before setting out into the pantry. "Bah... I need some more of that crap, then."

"And, on the off-chance that you're going crazy, don't forget which one of us has knives at arms' reach!" Edda jokes with a playful grin.

"Very funny, Edda," Hilda deadpans.

Regardless, she probably has a point. After drinking another cup of coffee, Hilda's sleepiness fades away and the whispering along with it. The boredom persists, however, as the bar's movement remains nonexistent for the whole morning. Then comes one in the afternoon and off goes Hilda to bring the mining guild their food.

Edda loans her coat and scarf to help with the cold but they don't really do much against the wind itself – to say nothing of how difficult it is to see. At least the weight of the food basket helps keep Hilda from being tossed around.

The streets themselves are quite empty but not the mining district. Barring a bona fide blizzard, they can't afford to ever stop their production; the miners working in the open quarry, sorting the ore, have it worse but they still soldier on. The guild leaders are serving as an example, though, as Joan tells Hilda that they're also down there with their men and women.

Grabbing the money and yesterday's basket with Joan, Hilda starts making her way back, fighting every step against the weather. As she makes it to the center of town, however, the wind picks up in a hurry and the gust surprises Hilda, blowing the empty basket right off her hand. She lets out a growl of frustration and runs after it.

As it turns out, however, she didn't need to worry as the basket suddenly shifts directions and slowly lands right onto the grasp of a man standing right next to the bar. He's a rather tall one, covered in a thick green cloak.

"Aah, Qujanaq!" she says in Greenlandic, as that's one of the more common languages among the townsfolk.

"I assume that's 'thanks'? You're welcome," the man answers in English, instead, his deep voice bearing a moderate accent.

Hilda still understands, thankfully. During the mining boom, she and her family came here from Sweden and she needed to learn the language to deal with the many Englishmen who'd done the same.

"Yes, yes – it was!" she yells, struggling in vain against the wind's howl, as the man supports her inside the bar.

Once inside, Hilda lets out a sigh of relief as the door slams behind her and notices that he's followed her in.

"Oh, you're a client?" she says with slight surprise before gesturing towards the empty chairs. "Just a minute and I'll be right with you. Please, take a seat."

As he does so, Hilda makes a quick stop by the kitchen and drops off the basket.

"Someone's finally come in, huh?" Edda asks, glancing at the man who's decided to sit by the counter, right next to the fireplace. "Time to get back to work, then."

"Yeah. Fire up the oven again and I'll let you know if he asks for anything," Hilda answers before heading back.

As she approaches and takes a closer look, she notices that the man isn't only tall but also built very strong. His face is hidden by the cloak but she can still make out a goatee across his slightly wrinkled face. And that's saying nothing about the strange aura that wafts around him - peaceful like a meadow bathed by the spring's sun and, yet, with such fortitude that it feels he could withstand the end of the world.

"Sorry for the delay," she says, once again switching to English. "What can I get you?"

"Just beer, please," he answers.

Hilda nods, grabbing a stein and filling it up with a keg kept off to the side. Normally she'd rather stay quiet but, taking sideway glances at this strange fellow, her curiosity gets the better of her. "New in town, are you?"

"Why you ask?"

Hilda hands him the stein, filled with Gustaff's bubbly, somewhat foamy weissbier. "Nearly everyone here speaks Danish or Greenlandic. Your accent isn't from around, either..."

The man lets out a quick chuckle and takes off his cloak, revealing himself to be a strong-jawed Asian gentleman. His jet-black hair is short but slightly scruffy, sporting a thin mustache along with said goatee; the handful of gray hairs and wrinkles indicate someone at least above his forties.

Asian men and women aren't exactly common sights in the Northern Reaches – Hilda could count in one hand the number of times she'd met one – but a quick look at the man's forehead answers that question: a brand of three nested circles and, at the center, several diamonds intersecting in a cross-like pattern.

"Oh, boy..." Hilda grunts, her brow reflexively furrowing with worry. "The Valnr up to something, Mr. Scion?"

Any northerner knows that, nine times out of ten, the Scions visiting doesn't mean good things. And an incursion was about the last thing her city needed right now.

"Relax," he says, sipping from his drink, "we haven't seen problems in this area for a while. Something else brings me here."

The man lays down his stein and looks at Hilda from head to toe, seemingly sizing her up. Hilda notices and gets a bit annoyed with his leering, crossing her arms and glaring back.

Letting out a small huff, the man smiles and takes another sip before speaking. "Allow me to introduce myself: I am Ryouma Hirayama, the General – that is, the leader – of Orlen Brigade."

"Orlen?" she shakes her head in confusion, eliciting Ryouma's face to frown with a bit of dejection.

"Each brigade takes name of its patron Altr god or goddess. I take it you're not Altrian?"

"Eeh..." Hilda shrugs. "Most folks around here are Catholics and whatnot... even with a broken down church. I never really thought about it," she answers while taking Ryouma's now-empty stein to be refilled.

Ryouma lets out a small sigh before recomposing himself. "That's understandable, I guess... but it matters not. What I wish to discuss hasn't anything to do with faith."

He looks straight into Hilda's eyes before continuing. "As northerner, I presume you already know what the Corps of Scions is and what we do. That saves time. It's almost certain that this centuries-long battle with Valnr is something you've been exposed to, so you understand the importance of our work, yes?"

Hilda exhales sharply through her nose and stares back at Ryouma in silence. In the corners of her mind, she isn't pleased with his question. Not one bit. Still, she can't well expect someone from outside town to know anything. Following a small bite at her tongue to calm down, she answers.

"... Sure. We don't have as many problems as others but still had enclaves built around or a necromancer or two worming their way into town. I'm sure you can find people who've good things to say."

Ryouma nods, bearing a serious expression. "Still, the current situation of conflict shows that it takes more than gratitude for us to prevail. Our divine burden weighs heavy on each of us and, more often than we'd like, it claims the lives of comrades."

He stops for a second, taking a long gulp of his beer and finishing it. Placing the stein squarely upon the counter, he wipes the foam off his goatee and resets his gaze on Hilda.

"Despite what most want to believe, our struggles with Valnr aren't limited to the Northern Reaches. Their influence can reach beyond the Paling and, thus, it falls on us to act wherever they appear. That is not a task that can be done with few people. Our forces are in constant need of new, capable, men and women... and that brings me to you, Hilda Solberg."

Hilda's face crumples, surprised that he knows her name. In a couple of seconds, however, a strained gasp bursts out her lips, like she's just had a bucket of cold water dumped onto her, as she realizes what he's implying.

"Wait... are you—!" she blusters, backing away and knocking a few empty steins to the ground. "Ah, damn it!"

"Everything alright, Hilda?" Edda asks from the kitchen.

"It's fine – don't worry!" she answers, picking up the steins as fast as she possibly can and standing back up to stare at Ryouma with the look of someone who's seen a ghost.

Lowering her voice, she asks: "Back up, there. Are you asking me to join the Scions?!"

"Not quite. We gain our powers from ancient covenant with the Altr gods and it is they who have final say on who'll join our ranks or not," Ryouma declares. "Potential Scions are presented so they may decide. There are two ways this comes about: either general sponsors someone or one of us receives vision from the gods indicating person whom they believe has potential. This is called 'conscription' and it's your case."

Hilda rushes up front and sits on the stool next to Ryouma. Confused, afraid, shocked and angry all at the same time, she tries and fails to protest. Her thoughts slip away through her fingers before she can pin them down into coherent phrases, reduced to simply making random gestures and grunting gibberish at the man.

Raising her tense hands up to her mouth, she presses against her cheeks and breathes in deep to try and calm down. Eventually, her hands slam onto the counter and she answers: "Listen, you must've heard that 'conscription' thing wrong because this can't be right – I'm a waitress, not a warrior. I've never even handled anything larger than a kitchen knife, for crying out loud."

"The body can be trained and fighting skills can be learned. What the Altr look for is those who've the heart to stand firm in defense of mankind. That's far more important."

Hilda shakes her head at him with such speed and force that it hurts her neck.

"No... Sorry but either your gods made a mistake or you came looking for the wrong person in that vision of yours," she argues, her voice trembling. "This isn't me. It can't be."

Ryouma doesn't look deterred, answering back in a firm, impassive voice: "The vision was clear, Hilda. I could see your face as clearly as now. There is no mistake."

"But—!" Hilda tries objecting again but Ryouma interrupts her before words even come out of her mouth.

"Haven't you heard the Altr's call? A dream bearing hushed whispers?" he asks.

Ryouma can see in her frowning, wide eyes that he's right. Hilda stammers, her head shaking nonstop face this madness but still unable to answer, so Ryouma continues: "Furthermore, while this may sound as request, it isn't. Conscription is god-given order for Scion to find a potential recruit and present him or her to them – it must be obeyed. Not even our commandant could oppose it."

His words hit Hilda like a punch to the gut. Stunned, she slumps onto her seat and lays her face into her hands.

"Mondoumuyou... literally, it's pointless to argue this matter. I apologize for putting you in such situation but my hands are tied. Our cause makes demands of both us and those who are in our protection," Ryouma says in a somber tone, staying close but also giving her some space.

Hilda gapes at the ground underneath her stool, unmoving. She had never entertained the idea of leaving Litnir – working with Gustaff was more than enough. And, now, this Scion suddenly says she has to? That she'll possibly join their group? This is insane in more ways than one.

"What then, Hilda? Will you come without trouble?" Ryouma says, speaking gently but with a firm note on each word that makes it obvious he is very serious. "Or will I have to bring you by force?"

Hilda's eyes shoot up to look at him, her dejected face immediately shifting to worry. She's lived in the Northern Reaches long enough to know that you cannot refuse the call of the Corps. There have been stories of people who tried to run or fight, only to be quickly encircled by pillars of flame, raised high into the air by mighty gales or pinned in place as the very earth engulfed their bodies. In the end, the Scions always bring in who they came for.

A part of Hilda still wants to try her luck and go crazy, do anything it takes to get away... but Edda is still in the next room and she couldn't risk her being hurt. Trying anything could also mean Ryouma might tear through the bar in order to capture her. After a few moments of trying, and failing, to find another solution, she lets out a sigh of resignation through gritted teeth.

"Damn it, no! I... I'll go," she answers, her unhappiness being very evident from the deep frown in her face. "Just... Just lemme speak to Edda and tell her what's going on."

"As you will. While is not certain that you'll be accepted by the gods, if you are, there'll be much to be done. It may be a while before you come back here," Ryouma nods with a whole lot of tranquility, clashing with the frustrated aura that irradiates from Hilda.

She grunts in affirmation, rubbing her eyes as she slumps her way to the kitchen. Edda's happily stirring a pot, humming, before she looks over and sees Hilda's dejected countenance.

"Hey, what happened? Why the long face?" she asks.

Hilda lets out a long sigh before answering: "That man there is a Scion and... he's here because they think I might be good enough to join the corps."

Edda's jaw nearly falls to the ground, shocked as though someone had told her she'd won the lottery. "Are... are you serious?"

She looks over to the counter and, indeed, sees the brand on Ryouma's forehead.

"He is serious, yeah," Hilda huffs with anger. "I have to go with him, don't I?"

Edda clutches her chin, bearing a very sympathetic look. "You're smart enough to know that answer already, Hilda..."

"I do but... but...!" Hilda snarls and stomps the ground in frustration. "Rrgh, jävlar! This whole thing is insane! There's got to be some kind of mistake!"

"I wonder..."

"What, you're not actually buying this, are you?" Hilda asks, outraged.

"I don't know... but, honestly, I'd like to think you could do way more than just waitressing." Edda shrugs with a slight smile. "I guess the Scions will answer that soon."

"You're damn right, they will. Gustaff had hired some temps for today, right?"

"Yes, they were supposed to be here later but I can ask them to come in early," Edda answers.

Hilda takes a sideways glance at Ryouma before nodding firmly. "Alright, good. I'll get this mess cleaned up and should be back soon."

"But, if that doesn't happen ..." Edda steps over and gives Hilda a tight hug. "Just know that we'll all be here, rooting for you, OK?"

Hilda is taken aback, not even wanting to consider that possibility. Surely it won't happen – it can't. "Don't say that... I'll only be away for a little bit, you'll see..."

Despite her protest, she still hugs Edda back, praying to every god out there that things go her way.

"Alright," Hilda lets go of Edda with a weary huff, "I guess I should get going before the guy gets antsy."

"Take care of yourself, Hilda," says Edda.

Hilda nods, a dark cloud atop her head, and turning back to Ryouma.

Before she leaves, though, she takes a long look out the kitchen window, towards an abandoned house across the street. The wooden structure is rotted, the rocks that form the wall are dirty and the earth around it is covered in tall grass. As Hilda walks down the kitchen's stony corridor, she clutches away at pieces of the wall – as though to delay to inevitable.

At length, Hilda she gets back to the bar, running her hands across her misty eyes before meeting Ryouma's gaze with an angry glare. "I told her what happened. Let's go and be done with it."

"I'm glad to hear it. Stand beside me and we'll be on our way," Ryouma isn't shaken by her attitude, answering with a smile.

He waves her over to his side of the counter and, as she does so, shuffles through his pockets and pulls out a small white crystal – about the size of his thumb.

"What's that?" Hilda asks.

"One of our many, many tricks. Now, breathe in, breathe out and try to relax."

Ryouma grips the crystal firmly in his hand and the white interior starts swirling before changing into a bright green color. Small rays of light start coming out of it as the crystal itself begins pulsating.

Hilda's confused by this display but doesn't have time to ask anything.

"Here we go."

At that moment, Ryouma tosses the crystal onto the ground beneath them and it shatters, bringing forth a large symbol: a circle with two triangles stacked on top of each other at the center.

The room fills with light, blinding Hilda, and when she opens her eyes, she's no longer at Gustaff's bar. She now finds herself standing in a wide open room: the floors are made of oak, with magnificent red carpets covered in intricate patterns set about; the walls are covered in dark red silk wallpaper with silver and gold-colored embroideries.

But what truly snags her attention is this massive prism crystal - almost as tall as her. It stands front and center in the room, floating in mid-air as if held by an invisible tether. From its bowels, rays of a supernatural golden light spring forth and shine in all directions as they're reflected by the crystal's many facets.

"What the hell...?" Hilda asks no one particular, staring in confusion as her eyes dart throughout the room, going back and forth between the crystal and the fine furniture.

A man is sitting in a wooden chair next to the crystal. He speaks something in a language Hilda doesn't understand and Ryouma answers back with equally unintelligible words. Despite this, they both seem to be able to communicate without any issue. Without allowing any moment to put her thoughts together, Ryouma beckons Hilda towards a wooden door leading out the room.

"Come. Follow me."

"Hey, hold on! What happened back there? How did you...?" Hilda demands an answer, her gaze moving across the room in confusion.

Ryouma holds the door and gestures for her to wait. "Patience. I explain everything soon but, right now, the only thing that matters is presenting you to Altr, alright?"

The room outside is far grander than the previous one, albeit strangely decorated. Pieces of many different armors, weapons and shields are displayed across it all but that is not what'd catch the eye of any visitor. The most significant pieces of decor are the thousands of glowing, ornate glass orbs of varying colors that are set throughout the chamber. Some hang from the walls while others are arranged in shelves. Hilda would've taken these as someone's odd collection of knickknacks but the orbs feel strangely natural... No different from watching, say, the stars at night.

All this is illuminated by a massive golden chandelier that, instead of candles, uses five different colored lights – dark blue, red, orange, green and white – which glow far brighter than fire.

"This is Valarheim Keep, headquarters of the Corps of Scions."

Hilda looks at the room slack-jawed. She's never seen anything as impressive in her entire life but, as the surprise subsides, something strikes her as odd.

"Wait, Valarheim Keep is around the border with Greenland, isn't it? That's hundreds of kilometers away from Litnir!"

"Like I said, we've many tricks," Ryouma says with a sly grin as he directs Hilda through one of two large passages leading out of the room and into a wide hallway.

Decorated in the same style as the room with the floating crystal, the hallway stands firm under the support of carved, round wooden pillars. Tall windows, its golden frames crisscrossing in an elegant pattern of flower stems, rise up its walls and bring a clear display of the windy tundra outside. Mighty brass candlesticks lay dotted throughout giving a faint glow to the wallpaper's elaborate embroideries, reflected off the polished planks that make the floor.

It is comparatively simple to what Hilda expects from a grand garrison but with a tinge of militaristic refinement. Still, it seems appropriate for a place tasked with being the Corps headquarters. The main structure of it all does appear to be as ancient as the legends themselves, with the wood showing cracks, tears and stains in its dull skin. That said, it does not feel weak in the slightest. Hilda runs her hand over one of the pillars and it is warm as though it is alive.

They pass by several other Scions as they walk down it; men and women of many different races and nationalities, each one bearing brands of varying degrees of complexity on their foreheads. They all seem friendly to Ryouma and while Hilda still can't understand most of the languages being spoken, a couple do speak to him in English. Ryouma still replies in his own language, much to her confusion as he'd shown that he had a good grasp of it.

After a few minutes, they arrive before a large set of wooden doors - each one decorated with an intricate carving depicting a battle between Scions and Valnr. On the left door, a large army stands ready to fight, basking under light that shines from the heavens. On the right door, a mob of undead and hooded, human-like beings are being directed by what looks like an enormous, winged creature.

A couple of Scions are standing guard before it and, after a small conversation with Ryouma, they pry the doors open. Unlike the previous rooms, the one within is completely made of a pearly white stone. Dozens of strange symbols are engraved on the walls but Hilda has no idea what they're supposed to mean. As for objects within, there is only a single one: a small, amber colored crystal. It is about half a meter tall and standing atop a marble pedestal. A small beam of light shoots from it and exits the room via a tiny opening right above.

"What you're looking at is the Nexus Crystal, crux of our organization. It is the very same crystal that Altr gods presented Eliina Vanhanen over a thousand years ago as proof of alliance," Ryouma explains, going back to speaking with his accented English. "This is what sustains the Paling and allows communication with the Altr to receive their blessing."

Ryouma beckons Hilda closer with his hand as she looks deep into the crystal. At closer glance, its amber color seems to come from this light that swirls within.

"What happens now?" she asks.

"Now you present yourself before them. While conscription occurs when they sense potential within someone, they are not all-knowing and can make mistakes in initial assessment. Once you lay your hand atop the Nexus Crystal, though, your very soul will be laid bare and they'll decide whether you truly have the necessary qualities to join our ranks."

An inquisitive, and accusatory, look forms on Hilda's face. "Didn't you say that the Scions are always in need of new folks? Should the Altr turn down people who could fight, especially when they were very likely much better than me...?"

Ryouma chuckles as though he's heard that question a thousand times before.

"While our need for recruits is ever present, that does not make it wise to bring everyone into Corps. Would you give sword to someone whom you felt wasn't capable of wielding it responsibly or with good intentions?" Ryouma asks, nodding at Hilda with a knowing smile. "The Altr each have their own ideas of what they're looking for in Scion but, throughout all of them, there is one constant: a Scion must be someone who has the determination to oppose the Valnr's campaign of death, no matter how dire the situation."

In Hilda's thoughts, this is all still one hundred percent nonsense. Her? Opposing anything? Maybe an unruly patron, sure, but certainly not an undead or Valnr. Still, it's clear she has no choice in this matter and all she can do is stew in her anger.

"Fine... let's see if your gods have some common sense. I just touch this crystal thing?"

After Ryouma nods in confirmation, Hilda takes one last step forward and places her hand onto the Nexus Crystal, close to the beam of light. Its smooth surface is warm and despite not knowing the first thing about the Scions' magic, she feels at ease in its presence.

"Close your eyes and relax," Ryouma tells her gently, "there's nothing to worry about."

As Hilda does so and takes a deep breath, the sounds surrounding her start fading away. After a few moments, she no longer hears the bluster from Scions passing by the room or the wind that blows wildly outside Valarheim. In fact, she soon even stops feeling the Nexus Crystal, where her hand is supposed to be resting upon, or her feet touching the ground.

She starts to get worried, wondering what could be happening. Is this part of the test or, maybe, something has gone terribly wrong?

"Ryouma? You still there?" she asks but no answer comes.

Hilda's concern is growing by the second and she decides to open her eyes to, at least, see what's going on - when she does, her jaw drops once again. The Nexus Crystal and its room are gone and, now, she stands amidst an endless sea of stars with dozens of colored lights surrounding her. She can feel she is being watched and it quickly dawns on her that these must be the Altr gods. The lights draw closer and start moving around her, dancing like embers, as waves of energy start wafting from her body.

Soon, a few lights stop moving, disappear and are replaced with other lights who also begin circling around Hilda. This process goes on for a couple minutes until only two remain: a cyan colored light and a dark red one. As the waves of energy stop emerging from Hilda, the two lights end their dance and move a few feet away from her. They begin flickering and shaking towards one another.

"Are they talking to each other?" she ponders.

At length, the dark red light disappears but the cyan one stays behind and slowly moves closer to Hilda. It stands in front of her for a moment before floating towards her forehead. The light moves closer and touches her forehead. She hears it speaking in the same weird language of those previous whispers before it unleashes a blinding flash. Hilda falls to her knees, feeling her entire body tingling and surging with warmth.

When she opens her eyes, they slowly refocus to show the Nexus Crystal standing right before her. Hilda feels very disoriented, her head burning like it's on fire. As she tries to make sense of what she'd just been a part of, the words the light spoke just now echo in her thoughts but, this time, she understands them.

"The burden of life is now yours to uphold. You stand a champion among men, a force to stem the tide of destruction. From this moment, into eternity: Hilda Solberg, Scion of Orlen..." she repeats aloud.

As Hilda slowly shuffles around, she looks at Ryouma: for the first time since the moment she met him, his calm demeanor has changed into a look of surprise. At length, a large smile forms in his lips as he lets out a laugh.

"'Scion of Orlen'... Very good. Very good, indeed!" Ryouma cheers. "Welcome to the Corps of Scions, Novitiate Hilda!"


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Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:57 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Onto number two, and I was quite right--our inciting incident is when Ryouma arrives at the bar! Now stuff is happening! Yay. How about this for an opening: Hilda is just starting her morning routine, grumbling to herself about cleaning the broken window in this frigid environment, and let's hope a necromancer doesn't get in (or something). The stranger arrives, and tells her he's had a vision of her joining the Scions. BOOM hook!

The keep is very beautiful sounding, and I especially loved the scene with the orbs of light as the Altr judged her. Your description is probably the strongest element of the story (but careful not to overdo it).

I think an area you could work on is the dialogue. Especially with Ryouma, I felt like he was often explaining things, in rather a lecturey, for-the-reader's-benefit manner. I think you could trim down a lot on what's said and boil down to the absolute essence of what they mean. Readers are pretty good at picking up on subtle cues. IMO dialogue ought to feel like a natural development of the scene/conversation, and not an obvious tool for exposition (even if that's the secret reason it's there).

Hilda, too, felt quite different to me in this chapter. In the previous chapter I got the distinct impression of a stoic, tight-lipped nordic girl, who's grown up in a harsh climate and has a cold edge to show for it. In this chapter, however, she seemed... more like your average American teenager. Her thoughts and dialogue were a lot more modern, almost anachronistic. Also she sure is... petulant... about going to help the Scions. What is her impression of them? Does she have reason to hate them? If so, that needs to be brought out asap, so we can understand her aversion. Otherwise, if all she's known of them is that they're the northern reach's enigmatic protectors, wouldn't she admire them and be honored to join? (Afraid, sure--used to a quiet life, certainly. But not *angry* at the offer surely?) I think this could be fixed by showing us more of what her perception of the Scions actually is, positive or negative, and how that influences her reaction.

Cheers




Costa says...


There IS a reason for why she reacts to being conscripted, yes... though I wanted to save that reveal for a later point in the story. She's no problem with the Scions whatsoever, though, only with them trying to bring her into the Corps - not the conflict itself, but into their ranks. Maybe I'll need to do some rewriting to make that clearer (or maybe it'll click over the next two chapters).

And Hilda's dialogue being anachronistic is one of those "lesser evils" that I figured I had enough wiggle room to justify. I didn't want all the characters sounding all "ye olde englishe", so I thought it best to mix in some modernisms in like contractions and slang.
Reason why I figured I could is that while society is AKIN to the 16-17th century, it is an alternate version of our world - the Valnr invasion set humanity back centuries, so they're not exactly the same as how we were at that time.

As for Ryouma, I did want him to come across as being the usual lecturey wise master - that's not all there is to him, of course. :O



Megrim says...


If you have worldbuilding explanations for these things they should go in the text ;) Outside of a critiquing site, you don't generally get the chance to explain yourself to readers.

As for Hilda's background, at this point in the story, it feels like a crucial part of the establishment of her motivations and reactions. You don't need to play your whole hand, but if she's making decisions based on information the reader doesn't have, it gets pretty tricky to keep us on board with her thought processes.



Costa says...


The next couple of chapters should provide some more insight into Hilda as a character now that her life's been turned upside-down. She HAS just been essentially grabbed by the neck and brought over to Valarheim, so it hasn't fully sunk in yet. Or do you think it needs to be established now?

And I agree with not being able to explain myself but... how would one explain that the characters are talking the way they do because of a loophole in the setting? I, for one, can't think of a way to organically insert that into the story - I think it's just one of those things that the reader needs to accept, no? Like a character that talks in some unique accent or uses odd lingo (have you seen Mad Max? Like that nonsensical lingo they have there).



Megrim says...


Such is the craft of writing! Maybe an offhand remark about the olden days that gives a wink wink nudge nudge that the "olden days" are today's modern days, or something like that. Again not much of a first draft worry, but definitely something to think about on second run through, because with this particular scenario, you want your readers to understand that it's intentional.

If it were me, I'd establish Hilda's major motivators asap. If it's "my parents were killed by General X who betrayed his corps at battle Y," you might only need to describe as far as "I hate the Scions because they can't all be trusted and I lost my parents because of it," or something like that, if you catch my drift. Not the whole hand, but the key cards that are affecting her emotions beyond what we can extrapolate from the information we already have.



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Wed Jun 01, 2016 10:11 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi, Costa my name is jessiebear and I am here to give you a great review. Oh and if I say any thing rood in this review pleas tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all. Okay lets get started with what can be fixt.

Okay I am going to start with what I liked about this great chapter. :D Okay lets start!!!

I like that you all ways start a chapter like this.

Chapter 2: Divine Burden

Date: 1003 After Dawn, May 15th

I think it is a good idea. :D
oh and I am happy you have not joined Chapter 2 with chapter 3 So that is good. :D
I like the characters in the story I am starting to pick up all of their different personality's. Oh and just to let you no that is a very good start to a great story. :D I all so like that you are making your chapters so long it will give me a lot to read :D :D and I like reading a lot.

Okay I am now going to start the review.
Okay the words witch are in bold are the words that have been corrected. Oh and like the last chapter I am going to go through the hull of chapter 2 and fixt your spelling mistakes. So it will be long okay lets start.

Chapter 2: Divine Burden


Date: 1003 After Dawn, May 15th

Indeed, Hilda didn't sleep as well as she should have, courtesy of that dream. Just to rub salt on the wound, as she comes down the stairs, Hilda sees that the weather, which had grown quite windy overnight, broke one of the bar's windows and filled the area around it with dirt and snow from the street.

"Great... just great..." Hilda grumbles. After nailing the broken window shut, Hilda finds her broom and, once again, starts cleaning the mess. It takes half an hour to get it all done by herself. It's not a good start for her day. Taking a deep breath, she calms herself down and goes have breakfast. Once again, the usual bread and cheese – though, just this once, Hilda takes a small mug of coffee. She doesn't really like the stuff, as evidenced by her scrunched up face, but she needs to wake up.

Edda arrives just as she's finishing eating, covered from head to toe in a heavy woollen coat and scarf, straining herself to close the bar's door against the wind outside.

"Urge... that's some awful weather we have today," she says breathily.

"You're telling me. It broke that window and made a mess of the place," Hilda answers, greeting Edda from behind the bar counter.

Edda sighs, looking at Hilda with a worried countenance. "Oh, you really should've waited for me to get here. I could've helped with that."

"It was no problem. Besides, the way things are looking outside, I think this'll be a very slow day."

"Hmm, you might be right. People will likely stay home." Edda hangs her coat and scarf on a hook set by the kitchen. "The guild will need its lunch, though, so there's that."

"You're up, then. I'll get the tables set up in any case," Hilda punctuates her statement with one final drink of her coffee, her face once again crumpling over the sharp taste. "How do people like this...?"

"It's an acquired taste. You'll see, once you're older," Edda laughs.

Hilda gets the plates and steins all in their usual position and the bar opens for business on time. But, as expected, no clients come during the morning. She is bored out of her mind, not having anything to do, so she resorts to flipping through Gustaff's book of drinks. His special recipes have quite the many fans, so it's always good for the resident waitresses to learn how to make them. That aside, there are only so many recipes you can read before it starts to drag and, despite the coffee, the lack of sleep starts getting to Hilda once more.

Propping her cheek onto her right hand, she closes her eyes and begins dozing off. That is, until a voice whispers to her – the same voice as her dream. Looking around the bar, however, there isn't anyone.

"Hello?" she asks aloud.

"What?" answers Edda, pitching her body over to the kitchen door.

"No, not you..." Hilda waves her off, still giving the empty establishment the look-over. "Wait. Did- Did you hear that, just now?"

Edda shrugs, shaking her head in negation. "Not a thing. Why?"

"I dunno," Hilda answers, confused. "I had this weird dream last night and could swear I just heard the same voice I did then..."

"What voice? Saying what?"

"Again, no idea. The dream itself didn't make sense – just a bunch of random stuff," Hilda shrugs, before moving off the counter and into the kitchen. "What do you think?"

An inquisitive frown forms across Edda's face. "Huh... that's strange, alright. But since you were drinking coffee, I'm guessing you didn't get much sleep. Maybe that drowsiness is why you thought you heard things now?"

"I guess," Hilda ponders. "Bah... I need some more of that crap, then."

"And, on the off-chance that you're going crazy, don't forget which one of us has knives at arms' reach!" Edda jokes with a playful grin.

"Very funny, Edda," Hilda deadpans.

Regardless, she probably has a point. After drinking another cup of coffee, Hilda's sleepiness went away and the whispering never came back. The boredom persists, however, as the bar's movement remains non-existent for the whole morning. Then comes one in the afternoon and off goes Hilda to bring the mining guild their food. Edda loans her coat and scarf to help with the cold but they don't really do much against the wind itself – to say nothing of how difficult it is to see. At least the weight of the food basket helps Hilda keep steady.

The streets themselves are quite empty but not the mining district. Barring a bona fide blizzard, they can't afford to ever stop their production; the miners working in the open quarry, sorting the ore, have it worse but they still soldier on. The guild leaders are serving as an example, though, as Joan tells Hilda that they're also down there with their men and women. Grabbing the money and yesterday's basket with Joan, she slowly starts making her way back to the bar. As she makes it to the centre of town, however, the wind picks up in a hurry and the gust surprises Hilda, blowing the empty basket right off her hand. She lets out a growl of frustration as she runs after it.

As it turns out, however, she didn't need to worry as the basket suddenly starts descending and lands right onto a man's grasp standing right next to the bar. He's a rather tall one, covered in a thick green cloak.

"Ayah, Quanah!" she says, assuming he speaks Greenlandic like most townsfolk.

"I assume that's a 'thank you'? You're welcome," the man answers in English, instead, his deep voice bearing a thick accent.

Hilda still understands, as she and her family were Swedish immigrants who came here during the mining boom. She needed to learn enough of the language to deal with the numerous Englishmen who'd done the same.

"Yes, yes – it was!" she speaks loudly against the wind's howl, the man supporting her to the door.

Once inside, Hilda lets out a sigh of relief as the door is closed and notices that the man has followed her in.

"Oh, you're a client?" she says before gesturing towards the empty chairs."Just give me a minute and I'll be right with you. Please, take a seat."

As he does so, Hilda quickly stops by the kitchen and drops off the basket.

"Someone's finally come in, huh?" Edda asks, glancing at the man who's sitting atop one of the counter's, next to the fireplace. "Time to get back to work, then."

"Hm. Fire up the oven again and I'll let you know if he asks for anything," Hilda answers before heading back.

As she approaches and takes a closer look, she notices that the man isn't only tall but also very strong. His face is hidden by the cloak but she can still make out a goatee across his slightly wrinkly face.

"Sorry for the delay," she says, once again switching to English. "What can I get you?"

"Just a beer, if you would," he answers.

Hilda nods, grabbing a stein and starting to fill it up; normally she'd rather stay quiet but her curiosity got the better of her. "New in town, are you?"

"How can you tell?"

"Nearly everyone here only speaks Danish or Greenlandic. Your accent isn't from around, either..." Hilda surmises as she hands him a stein filled with beer.

The man lets out a quick chuckle and takes off his cloak, revealing himself to be a strong-jawed Asian gentleman. His jet-black hair is short but slightly scruffy and he sports a thin moustache along with said goatee; the handful of grey hairs and slight wrinkles indicate someone at least above his forties. Asian men and women aren't exactly common sights in the Northern Reaches but a quick look at the man's forehead answers that question: a brand of three nested circles and, at the centre, several diamonds intersecting in a cross-like pattern.

"Oh, boy..." Hilda says, her brow quickly furrowing with worry. "Been a long time since we had a Scion in town. The Valnr up to something?"

Any northerner knows that, nine times out of ten, the Scions visiting doesn't mean good things.

"Relax," he says, sipping from his drink, "we haven't seen an incursion in this area for a while now. It's something else that brings me here."

The man lays down his stein and takes a deep look at Hilda, seemingly sizing her up. After a few moments, he takes another sip and speaks: "Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Ryouma Hirayama and I'm the General – the leader – of the Orlen Brigade."

"Orlen?" she asks and notices that Ryouma's face frowned slightly at her question.

"Each brigade takes the name of its patron Altr god or goddess. I take it you're not Altrian?"

"Not really... most of the people who live here are Catholics and whatnot. I never really gave this kind of thing much thought," she answers while refilling Ryouma's now empty beer stein.

Ryouma sighs faintly before recomposing himself. "That's understandable, I suppose... but it does not matter. What I wish to discuss with you hasn't anything to do with your faith."

He looks straight into Hilda's eyes before continuing. "As a northerner, I presume you already know what the Corps of Scions is and what we do, so that saves some time. It's a near certainty that this centuries-long battle against the Valnr is something you've been exposed to, so you can also understand the importance of our work, yes?"

Hilda silently stares back at Ryouma for a moment before answering back.

"Sure. We don't have as many problems as others but still had enclaves built around or a necromancer or two worming their way into town. I'm sure you can find people who'd have good things to say."

Ryouma nods faintly, bearing a serious expression. "Still, the current situation of the conflict shows that it takes more than gratitude for our corps to prevail. Our divine burden weighs heavily on each of us and, more often than we'd like, it claims the lives of our comrades."

"Despite what most would like to believe, our struggles against the Valnr aren't limited to the Northern Reaches. Their influence can still reach beyond the Paling and, thus, it falls on us to act wherever they appear – that is not a task that can be done with few people. Our forces are in constant need of new, capable, men and women... and that's what brings me here, to you, Hilda Solberg," he finishes, his gaze always on Hilda.

Hilda's initially surprised that he knows her name. She quickly lets out a small gasp, however, as she realizes what he's implying.

"Wait... are you—!" she blusters, backing away and knocking a few empty steins onto the ground. "Ah, damn it!"

"Everything alright, Hilda?" Edda asks from the kitchen.

"It's fine – don't worry!" she answers, hastily gathering the steins and standing back up to stare at Ryouma with a baffled look on her face. Lowering her voice, she asks: "Back up, there. Are you asking me to join the Scions?!"

"Not quite. We gain our powers from an ancient covenant made with the Altr gods and it is they who have the final say on who'll join our ranks or not," Ryouma declares. "Potential Scions are presented before the gods so that they may make their decision. There are two ways this comes about: either a general sponsors someone or one of us receives a vision from the gods indicating a person whom they believe has potential. This is called a 'conscription' and it's the category you fall in."

Hilda moves up front and sits on the stool next to Ryouma. After struggling with her words for few seconds, manages to put her thoughts together somewhat: "Listen, you must've heard that 'conscription' thing wrong because this can't be right – I'm a waitress, not a warrior. I've never even handled anything larger than a kitchen knife, for crying out loud."

"Your body can be trained and fighting skills can be learned. What the Altr look for is those who've the heart to stand firm in the defence of mankind. That's something far more important."

"No... Sorry but either your gods made a mistake or you came looking for the wrong person in that vision of yours," Hilda argues, her voice trembling. "This isn't me. It can't be."

Ryouma doesn't look deterred, answering back in a firm, impassive voice: "The vision was clear, Hilda. I could see your face as clearly as I do now. There is no mistake."

"But-!" Hilda tries objecting again but Ryouma interrupts her before words even come out of her mouth.

"Haven't you heard the Altr's call yourself? A dream bearing hushed whispers?" he asks.

Ryouma can see in her frowning, wide eyes that he's right. Hilda stammers in confusion, shaking her head back and forth but unable to answer, so Ryouma continues: "Furthermore, while this may sound as a request, it isn't. Conscription is a god-given order for a Scion to find a potential recruit and present him or her before them – it must be obeyed. Not even the commandant of our corps could oppose it."

Hilda's stunned, laying her face upon her hands and breathing deeply.

"Mondoumuyou... literally, it's pointless to argue this matter. I apologize for putting you in such a situation but my hands are tied. Our cause makes demands of both us and those who are under our protection," Ryouma says, somberly, as he moves behind the counter to clean up his now empty stein.

Hilda gapes at the ground underneath her stool, unmoving. She had never entertained the idea of leaving Litnir – working with Gustaff was more than enough - and, now, this Scion suddenly says she has to? And to potentially join their group? This is insane in more ways than one!

"What then, Hilda? Will you come without any trouble?" Ryouma asks nicely but with a firm tone that makes it obvious he is very serious. "Or will I have to bring you in by force?"

Hilda's eyes immediately rise to look at him. She's lived in the Northern Reaches long enough to know that you cannot refuse the call of the Corps. There have been stories of people who tried to run or fight, only to be quickly encircled by pillars of flame, raised high into the air by mighty gales or pinned in place as the very earth engulfed their bodies. In the end, the Scions always bring in who they came for.

A part of Hilda still wants to try her luck and go crazy, do anything it takes to get away... but Edda is still in the next room and she couldn't risk her being hurt. Trying anything could also mean Ryouma might destroy the whole bar in order to capture her. After a few moments, she lets out a sigh of resignation through gritted teeth.

"Damn it, no! I... I'll go," she answers, her unhappiness being very evident from the deep frown in her face. "Just... Just Lemme speak to Edda and tell her what's going on."

"As you will. While it is not certain that you'll be accepted by the gods, if you are, there'll be much to be done. It may be a while before you come back here," Ryouma nods calmly, heading back to his seat by the counter.

Hilda grunts in affirmation, rubbing her eyes in frustration as she heads to the kitchen. Edda's happily stirring a pot, humming, before she looks over and sees Hilda's dejected countenance.

"Hey, what happened? Why the long face?" she asks.

Hilda lets out a long sigh before answering: "That man there is a Scion and... he's here because they think I might be good enough to join the corps."

Edda's jaw nearly falls to the ground, shocked as though someone had told her she had won the lottery. "Are... are you serious?"

She looks over to the counter and, indeed, sees the brand on Ryouma's forehead.

"He is serious, yeah," Hilda says huffing with anger. "I have to go with him, don't I?"

Edda shakes her head with a very sympathetic look. "You're smart enough to know that answer already, Hilda..."

"I do but...but...!" Hilda snarls and stomps the ground in frustration. "Rrgh, java! This whole thing is insane! There's got to be some kind of mistake!"

"I wonder..."

"What, you're not actually buying this, are you?" Hilda asks with an outraged glare.

"I don't know... but, honestly, I'd like to think you could do way more than just waitressing," Edda shrugs with a smile. "But I guess the Scions will answer that soon."

"You're damn right, they will. Gustaff had hired some temps for today, right?"

"Yes, they were supposed to be here later but I can ask them to come in early," Edda answers.

Hilda takes a sideways glance at Ryouma before nodding firmly. "Alright, good. I'll get this mess cleaned up and should be back soon."

"But, if that doesn't happen ..." Edda steps over and gives Hilda a tight hug. "Just know that we'll all be here, rooting for you, OK?"

Hilda is taken aback, not even wanting to consider that possibility. "Don't say that... I'll only be away for a little bit, you'll see..."

Despite her protest, she still hugs Edda back, praying to every god out there that things go her way.

"Alright," Hilda lets go of Edda with a weary huff, "I guess I should get going before the guy gets antsy."

"Take care, Hilda," says Edda.

Hilda nods sombrely, turning to head back to Ryouma. Before she goes leaves, though, she takes a long look out the kitchen window, towards an abandoned house across the street. The wooden structure is rotted, the rocks that form the wall are dirty and the earth around it is covered in tall grass. Ryouma notices this but can't see anything significant there and wonders what importance it holds to Hilda.

At length, Hilda steps over, running her hands across her face. She meets Ryouma's gaze with an angry glare. "I told her what happened. Let's go and be done with it."

"I'm glad to hear it. Stand beside me and we'll be on our way," Ryouma answers with a smile, beckoning her to his side of the bar counter.

As she does so, he shuffles through his pockets and pulls out a very small white crystal.

"What's that?" Hilda asks.

"One of our many, many tricks. Now, breathe in, breathe out and try to relax."

Ryouma grips the crystal firmly with his hand and the white interior starts swirling before changing into a bright green colour. Small rays of light start coming out of it as the crystal itself begins pulsating. Hilda's confused by this display but doesn't have time to ask anything.

"Here we go."

At that moment, Ryouma tosses the crystal onto the ground beneath them and it shatters, bringing forth a large symbol: a circle with two triangles stacked on top of each other at the centre.

The room fills with light, blinding Hilda, and when she opens her eyes, she's no longer at Gustaff's bar. She now finds herself standing in a wide room: the floors are made of polished oak, with magnificent carpets set about, while the walls are covered in dark red silk wallpaper with silver and gold-coloured embroideries. Right behind her is a massive prism crystal floating in mid-air, almost as tall as her.

"What the hell...?" Hilda asks no one particular, staring in confusion at the room around her.

A man is sitting in a wooden chair next to the crystal. He speaks something in a language Hilda doesn't understand and Ryouma answers back with equally unintelligible words; despite this, they both seem to be able to communicate without any issue. Soon, Ryouma beckons her towards a door leading out the room.

"Come. Follow me."

"Hey, hold on! What happened back there? How did you...?" Hilda angrily asks, confused, her gaze moving back and forth across the room.

Ryouma holds the door and gestures for her to wait. "Patience. I'll explain everything in due time but, right now, the only thing that matters is presenting you before the Altr, alright?"

The room outside is far grander than the previous one, albeit strangely decorated. Thousands of glowing, ornate glass orbs are set throughout it, some hanging from the walls while others are arranged in shelves; pieces of armour, weapons and shields can also be seen. All this is illuminated by a massive chandelier but instead of candles, it uses five different coloured lights: dark blue, red, orange, green and white.

"This is Valarheim Keep, headquarters of the Corps of Scions."

Hilda looks at the room slack-jawed. She's never seen anything as impressive in her entire life but, as the surprise subsides, something strikes her as odd.

"Wait, Valarheim Keep is around the border with Greenland, isn't it? That's hundreds of kilometres away from Litnir!"

"Like I said, we have many tricks," Ryouma says with a sly grin as he directs Hilda through one of two large passages leading out of the room.

Walking down a wide candle-lit hallway, they pass by several other Scions; men and women of many different races and nationalities, each one bearing brands of varying degrees of complexity on their foreheads. They all seem friendly to Ryouma and while Hilda still can't understand most of the languages being spoken, a couple did speak to him in English. Ryouma still replies in his own language, much to her confusion as he'd shown that he had a good grasp of it.

After a few minutes, they arrive before a large set of wooden doors - each one decorated with an intricate carving depicting a battle between Scions and Valnr. On the left door, a large army stands ready to fight, basking under light that shines from the heavens. On the right door, a mob of undead and hooded, human-like beings are being directed by what looks like an enormous, winged creature.

A couple of Scions are standing guard before it and, after a small conversation with Ryouma, they pry the doors open. Unlike the previous rooms, this one is nearly all white - save for some small symbols that are engraved on the walls - and only one object is inside: a small, amber coloured crystal. It is about half a meter tall and standing atop a marble pedestal. A small beam of light shoots from it and exits the room via a tiny window right above.

"What you're looking at is the Nexus Crystal, the crux of our organization. It is the very same crystal that the Altr gods presented Eliina Vanhanen over a thousand years ago as proof of their alliance," Ryouma explains, going back to speaking with his accented English. "This is what sustains the Paling and allows us to commune with the Altr to receive their blessing."

Ryouma beckons Hilda closer with his hand as she looks deep into the crystal. At closer glance, its amber coloured seems to come from this light that swirls within.

"What happens now?" she asks.

"Now you must present yourself before the gods. While a summoning occurs when they sense a potential within someone, they are not all-knowing and can make mistakes in their initial assessment. Once you lay your hand atop the Nexus Crystal, though, your very soul will be laid bare for them to see and they'll decide whether you truly have the necessary qualities to join our ranks."

An inquisitive, and accusatory, look forms on Hilda's face. "Didn't you say that the Scions are always in need of new folks? Should the Altr turn down people who could fight, especially when they were very likely much better than me...?"

Ryouma's face looks as though he's heard that question a thousand times before.

"While our need for recruits is ever present, that does not make it wise to bring everyone into our order. Would you give a sword to someone whom you felt wasn't capable of wielding it responsibly or with good intentions?" Ryouma asks, nodding at Hilda with a knowing smirk. "The Altr each have their own ideas of what they're looking for in a Scion but, throughout all of them, there is one constant aspect: a Scion must be someone who has the determination to oppose the Valnr's campaign of death, no matter how dire the situation."

In Hilda's thoughts, this is all still one hundred precent nonsense. Her? Opposing anything? Maybe an unruly patron, sure, but certainly not an undeaden or Valnr. Still, it's clear she has no choice in this matter and all she can do is stew in her anger.

"Fine...let's see if your gods have some common sense. I just touch this crystal thing?"

After Ryouma nods in confirmation, Hilda takes one last step forward and places her hand onto the Nexus Crystal, close to the beam of light. It is warm and despite not knowing the first thing about the Scions' magic, she could feel at ease in its presence.

"Close your eyes and relax," Ryouma tells her gently, "there's nothing to worry about."

As Hilda does so and takes a deep breath, the sounds surrounding her start fading away. After a few moments, she no longer hears the bluster from Scions passing by the room or the wind that blows wildly outside Valarheim. In fact, she soon even stops feeling the Nexus Crystal, where her hand is supposed to be resting upon, or her feet touching the ground.

She starts to get worried, wondering what could be happening. Is this part of the test or, maybe, something has gone terribly wrong?

"Ryouma? You still there?" she asks but no answer comes.

Hilda's concern is growing by the second and she decides to open her eyes to, at least, see what's going on - when she does, her jaw drops once again. The Nexus Crystal and its room are gone and, now, she stands amidst an endless sea of stars with dozens of colored lights surrounding her. She can feel she is being watched and it quickly dawns on her that these must be the Altr gods. The lights draw closer and start moving around her, dancing like embers, as waves of energy start wafting from her body.

Soon, a few lights stop moving, disappear and are replaced with other lights who also begin circling around Hilda. This process goes on for a couple minutes until only two remain: a cyan coloured light and a dark red one. As the waves of energy stop emerging from Hilda, the two lights end their dance and move a few feet away from her. They begin flickering and shaking towards one another.

"Are they talking to each other?" she ponders.

At length, the dark red light disappears but the cyan one stays behind and slowly moves closer to Hilda. It stands in front of her for a moment before floating towards her forehead. The light moves closer and touches her forehead. She hears it speaking in the same weird language of those previous whispers before it unleashes a blinding flash. Hilda falls to her knees, feeling her entire body tingling and surging with warmth.

When she opens her eyes, they slowly refocus to show the Nexus Crystal standing right before her. Hilda feels very disoriented, her head burning like it's on fire. As she tries to make sense of what she'd just been a part of, the words the light spoke just now echo in her thoughts but, this time, she understands them.

"The burden of life is now yours to uphold. You stand a champion among men, a force to stem the tide of destruction. From this moment, into eternity: Hilda Solberg, Scion of Orlen..." she repeats aloud.

As Hilda slowly shuffles around, she looks at Ryouma: for the first time since the moment she met him, his calm demeanour has changed into a look of surprise. At length, a large smile forms in his lips as he lets out a laugh.

"'Scion of Orlen'... Very good. Very good, indeed!" Ryouma says happily. "Welcome to the Corps of Scions, Novitiate Hilda!"


Okay this is really good but I think you can describe a little bit more in some places in the chapter like the characters in your story I think you can ad little decryptions about what they look like some times when one of them is done talking. And I think you can ad some smell and touch to but that was just a suggestion. Oh and don't get me wrong your story so far is really good. I hope I helped you.


So that is all thank you. :D I hope you will keep on righting great work. I am looking for word to reading more of your of your fantastic work. I hope you have a great day are night.




Costa says...


Well, I usually prefer to go in-depth on the characters' looks when they first show up. Every now and then, I do make reference to their appearance but maybe not as much as I could. I'll keep this in mind.

I've made a few edits regarding some of the typos you found. That said, many of them are still simply differences between the US and UK English spelling of words, so those haven't been changed.
Also some words you highlighted aren't typos but, rather, foreign words. Qujanaq, for instance, is "thank you" in Greenlandic... Or are you fluent in the language and are pointing out that I did mess up there?

Either way, I'm glad you're enjoying this.



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Fri Apr 15, 2016 9:54 pm
Sins says...



Hey again!

So I want to start off by saying that I definitely think this chapter is an improvement on the last version. As stated in my last review though, that's not to say the original was bad! Generally seeing more of Hilda and her day-to-day life is once again beneficial, and she does seem to fight against Ryouma a little more now. I like that we get to see more of Edda in this chapter too, as well as the fact that we see more of Gustaff and co. in the last one. I can't help wondering how this bar isn't out of business though, considering it's always so dead! Some of your subtle changes were nice too i.e. the way they get to the Corps and what not. Partly because seeminglymeaningless has gone through this with a fine toothed comb, and partly because I enjoyed reading this, I don't really think I'll be much help in this review...

I suppose the one thing that's still bugging me, and continues to bother me at times in the next 10 chapters or so, are Hilda's emotions. I know I've brought this up before, and I don't want to sound like a broken record, but it's important. You go through the motions a lot, and while we do get an insight into Hilda's emotional reactions via her dialogue, it often doesn't feel like enough. As I previously noted, her reaction to Ryouma basically kidnapping her is definitely better, but it could still do with improvement.

Now, I may a tad bit on the biased side because I'm a first person writer (and generally a first person reader) myself, so portraying emotion is huge for me. Nonetheless, I do genuinely think you need to draw more out. The tiniest of things can help. For example, as Hilda leaves the bar, give her five minutes of reflection. Have her look back and gaze at what she's leaving behind, make her chest ache with the prospect of never returning, have her take it all in one last time in fear of forgetting e.t.c.. She looks at the abandoned house (childhood home?), which is awesome, and a great example of what you need more of sometimes. I know you want to show and not tell, and that totally makes sense, but sometimes it can be best to just give us direct access into Hilda's mind. Body language is another great way of expressing things, so really emphasise that when you can.

That's kind of it, really. Apologies for being so useless here, but I can totally see an improvement from the last version. Of course, it isn't insanely wonderful and perfect and impossible to critique, but nothing will ever be like that! You could read the greatest literary works of all time, and you'd find plenty of flaws. But I kinda like imperfections because hey, we're not perfect, whether we're real people or literary characters. Anywho, before I try to get all deep, I'll cut this here. You know where to find me if you need anything! :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Thu Apr 07, 2016 4:13 am
seeminglymeaningless wrote a review...



Heya Costa,

Thanks for requesting a review! While you did mention you'd like me to check in at chapter 5, I figured it'd be a good idea to start at the beginning.

I want to address something disturbing. You have 6 reviews and quite a few of them are rather lengthy and in-depth with very knowledgeable and worthwhile suggestions - yet you have not taken any of this advice in. That is the sign of a poor writer. Please do not request or welcome reviews if you don't take the time of day to reflect accurate feedback.

For instance, Yuriiko's comment about dialogue tags. They're right and you're wrong, so you should fix it. I always despair when I notice authors not bothering to edit clear mistakes that have been pointed out.

Also, Steam's comment about the Asian symbols. Just why are they in your dialogue of all things? That needs to go.

Skins' assessment of Hilda's sudden and carefree leavings of her only known home at the drop of a hat as being odd is perfectly good feedback that you obviously have not addressed.

All of that said, critique sandwich time. Though I do wonder if I'm wasting a significant amount of my time reviewing this if you don't reflect reasonable feedback.

1. What did I like about this piece?
> You are clearly a writer with a good grasp of grammar and sentence structure.

> Your world background is well-developed and you have a plot going for you, so you'll be able to carry your story much further than many other writers who struggle with backstory and a direction for your story to go.

2. What specific points need improvement?
> I skimmed the prologue as it didn't interest me at all. Too many foreign words, too many foreign people, too many things happening I didn't care about. The one word that I recognised was incredibly jarring - "Finnish"?

> I don't get why you'd base the races/countries of your world on our world. It doesn't make a lick of sense to me. You're trying to merge this mystical/magical/science-fictional Scion tale with human races we're familiar with. Why? The worlds are obviously very different and nothing seems to be shared besides the geography of Earth and the looks of the people. In fact, things are SO different due to the 800 years after the world was thrown into chaos. Why would the people even still hold those certain names or traditions or looks?

> Your story is a mix between high fantasy and sci-fi. Perhaps you intended this, but I have the feeling that you did not. It's very rare for a science fiction story to feel realistic if magic is involved and vice versa. Why do I think it sci-fi-esque? The portals in the prologue lean heavily towards interstellar travel. The description of the lights and the Scion place sounds very modern-tech-like. I think you need to decide what sort of genre this is. Also, the dates at the beginning of your chapters are unnecessary, as we readers don't care/have no knowledge of their significance to your backstory.

> You build up the backstory of the town Hilda lives in, only to take it away a few paragraphs later. It's a waste. Instead, it would be much better to observe Hilda working as a barwench, getting to know her, learning how much she likes/dislikes her jobs, what she thinks about during the day, what her hopes are for the future. Instead we're treated to an info dump about a mining town, followed by hollow description of the bar, chased by stilted dialogue between the Scion and Hilda, rubbed raw by her seemingly effortless parting with everything she has known, thrown into another new environment that will probably be glossed over and then thumped over the back of the head with descriptions of light that are obviously choosing her reminiscent of the Sorting Hat/Divergent Sorting/cliched protagonist is assigned a role that is completely unexpected... It's a lot to take in and it's done on a superficial scale, instead of nurtured and grown lovingly. You need to isolate the important parts of this chapter and actually develop them.

> Hilda's hometown - what's it like there? How did she get her job? Where are her parents? Isn't 16 too young to be working as a barmaid? Shouldn't she be in the kitchens? Or working with the horses? Does her being a barmaid have anything at all to do with her character? Could she easily be a blacksmith's daughter, and then at least familiar with weapons? Could she be an apothecary apprentice, and then at least familiar with the struggles of the world around her? Does she have a lover? Does she care for no one in her home town? You do not need to answer all these questions, of course, but even two of them would make Hilda more of a character instead of a blank, emotionless sheep who does as she's told.

> Ryouma - why did they need to send him? Couldn't they just teleport her using the runes without her permission? Did they have to have him there to introduce her to this world? Does she even need to be pulled from a lowly peasant status? Couldn't she have grown up near the Scions so knew everything about them? If Ryouma is going to abduct her anyway, why did he bother trying to be nice about it? It just leads to boring dialogue about things she should already know.

> "?!" - when resorting to using these, it means the author hasn't taken the time to describe the reaction properly. You don't need to use "?!" if you just show instead of tell. eg:

"Wait..." Hilda's mind was racing, denying thoughts of grandeur, slapping aside hints of I am special!, "What?" Finally her mind stopped rebelling at the thought of her in the fancy robes, the tattoo glistening on her forehead, defeating crime and emboldening goodness in the people around her. She gulped and blustered, "You're asking me - me, a simple barmaid - to join the almighty Scions of the Ultimate Shroud?"

^I took artistic license here. Just playing around. But I'm sure you get what I mean.

> When using ellipses (...) ensure there is a space after. They are punctuation, after all, similar to commas and periods.

> If Ryouma is going to abduct her anyway, why did he bother trying to be nice about it?

> How can she not know about magic, but not present any confusion when she's teleported? It's as if she waits to be confused only when she gets a chance to talk.

> Dialogue - they sound like the same person and the dialogue is not befitting a fantasy story. "Alright" isn't something used by many fantasy-esque characters. Neither is the word "corps". This ties in with my problem earlier, where you've got this sort of fantasy/sci-fi mess going on.

3. What are my concluding thoughts?
> Overall, I did not really enjoy this first chapter. You've obviously got a tonne of backstory planned out and your world is well established in your head. Us readers would appreciate a length, loving, devoted introduction to that world that doesn't consist of an infodump. We'd like to be able to experience Hilda (I detest her name, btw) in her natural habitat and explore the universe before she's magically whisked away to face her destiny as the Chosen One. Part of the Hero's Journey includes "refusing the call" - this doesn't happen in your story because you're happy for Hilda to gleefully abandon her old life for the new. This smacks of author convenience.

Anyway! I have more to say on this chapter, but I'll spread it out to the other chapters waiting for me :D I hope my review helped in some way! If you found my review abrasive, I apologise. You've clearly got talent, but you're not listening to the kind and caring words of others, so perhaps some acidic bite will get through to you! :)

All the best,
Jai




Costa says...


I didn't ignore the reviews and I reckon you could stand to tone your attitude a bit. I wouldn't have asked for these if I didn't intend to listen.

Now, I did change the dialogue tags and I thought they were all fixed. Can you point out where they're still broken?

Hilda is not nonchalant about this. Following those reviews, I've added things in this chapter to point it out. And it is stated time and time again that she has no choice at all in this matter.
She's angry but Ryouma tells her in no uncertain terms: you are being conscripted and that is it.

As for the Japanese, I must've skimmed over that point in the review. I'll see to it later today.

What about "Finnish" irks you? People from Finland are Finnish.

Why do you assume there's Sci-fi in this in the first place? Simply because we're dealing with enemies from a different plane of existence? What makes them any different from "demons from Hell"? There is absolutely no interstellar travel going on and I really don't see how you came to this conclusion.

I used the same races/countries simply because I figured it made for an interesting change in the standard fantasy plot. Society was torn a new one by the Valnr 1k years ago but, when the war got limited to the Northern Reaches, they went and rebuild in the molds that were already there. Thus, while borders and nations have been changed, other things like names and cultural identity stayed the same.

I figured it was best to err on the side of caution with the dates because this story will take place over more than a decade and with plenty of time-skips. Wouldn't want the reader to have to break out a calendar every time I do to check how long has passed since the last chapter.

Hilda's backstory will be shown in bits, including much of what you asked, as there wasn't really an opportunity to add it right now. She wouldn't talk about that to a stranger and people who know her wouldn't ask.

As for Litnir's "info dump", is it really that much at just three medium-sized paragraphs? Regardless, it's just there so the bar doesn't exist in a void. There's a reason I'm being intentionally vague about Hilda's life thus far. I could skirt about the issue and reveal bits right now but it'd just be telling, so I chose to immediately open with her getting drafted and go into more detail about this later, when she can actually talk a bit about it.

They sent Ryouma because he is the one who got the vision for her. It's just the way it is. And Hilda does know much about the Scions and their legends - everyone in the Northern Reaches does - which is precisely why she knew her only choice here was the capitulate. It says right here:

Hilda's not happy in the slightest but northerners know you can't refuse a Scion's call - and there is absolutely no way she could outrun this super-powered warrior.

As for why Ryouma's being nice, that's just who he is. Just because you CAN force someone to come, should you? If you can convince them to come willingly, why not?

As for the dialogue, it stems from the same reason country and people's names are the same. The world may be at a medieval technology level but society has been around for longer than that. Language has grown accordingly, even if things slowed down to a crawl while everything was rebuilt after the War of Twilight.
I talked about this with others and they agreed that there was enough leeway there.

And I'll fix the ellipses.

Regardless, I appreciate the review. I'll take it into consideration but do keep in my that I might not follow it in the way you want if I think it'll conflict with the vision I have for this.





Sorry for the late reply!

The two dialogue tags I noticed that are still unfixed from a previous review are the ones I meant. Ctrl F "relax" and you'll find both of them.

If she is angry about being conscripted, it does not come across at all. Perhaps work on letting her emotions out.

You didn't skim over the part about the Japanese because it's been mentioned several times by other people in other chapters. So you know about it, you chose not to listen. And if you did skim over it, that's a disservice to yourself and to the reviewer.

No one is going to go back to a previous chapter to check a time skip. Time skips are covered in the dialogue and description of events.

You don't need dialogue to reveal characterisation. She doesn't need to talk about herself to a stranger, she can just think, feel and do. She can think about a lover. She can feel impatient. She can splash liquid angrily on the bar to wipe it down. All this tells us: she's got a BF, she has a short temper, she doesn't like working at the bar. You give us absolutely no idea of whether she is happy in her environment or what she even thinks about anything.

Three medium sized paragraphs is three medium sized paragraphs too many. I'm guilty of info dumping, yes. I do try to keep it to one sentence at a time though, and maybe that's something that you can endeavor to do. When I feel my eyes glaze over and realise I'm reading a textbook/history book (ie, your info dumps), the immersion is lost.

The part you've quoted:
Hilda's not happy in the slightest but northerners know you can't refuse a Scion's call - and there is absolutely no way she could outrun this super-powered warrior.

Let's focus on this as a prime example of all the contradictions throughout your story.

"Hilda's not happy in the slightest" - but does not reveal this in emotion, thought or actions. Instead she willingly goes and quits her job remorselessly with pretty much a shrug of "oh well". Now, if you were making her resigned to her fate, she'd have emotions yes, and still go about doing what she knows she needs to do. Her throat may clench at the thought of leaving the familiar. Her eyes might burn with unshed tears. Fleeting snatches of hope for a better life may dance amongst her thoughts. Anything instead of the blankness.

"absolutely no way" - why not elaborate on this of all things? This is the thing that people are interested in. What happens if she tries to run? This is the sort of thing that would be best in dialogue and actually give her reason not to run. At the moment you've just told us this. because. It's better when you show us this because this. If she tries to run, her town will be blown up. If she tries to run, her bloodline will be traced back to six generations and all relatives slaughtered and all graves desecrated. If she runs, she'll be driven mad by the endless phone call echoing in her mind. If she runs, Ryouma will challenge her to a tickle-match and the Void knows, that's a fate worse than death.

"super-powered warrior" - again with the mixing of fantasy/sci-fi words. In a fantasy setting, "super" would be "mighty" or "heroic" or "unobtainably powerful". However, if you're writing a sci-fi, sure! Super-powered jet propellers of doom! You think there is no issue with language - then be more clear of the time period these people exist in. I think the time period is wishy washy and instead of being interesting, it's convoluted and unnecessary that the world we lived in was destroyed and replaced with this rebuilt world. Again. Why bother? With Harry Potter, the separation of the worlds is a plot point that is addressed over and over again. With your story, the only necessary plot point is that the world has been destroyed and rebuilt - it doesn't have to be Earth as we know it. You ride on the cottails of a world of premade races, prejudices and land formations. And then dismiss many of them anyway because the world has changed since then? What?

Ryouma's niceness is a characterisation that you've obviously given him for some reason. Therefore, throughout the remainder of the story, he needs to be nice to Hilda. That means that she can always count on him to be willing to help her. There is no conflict. And all you've done is created a character that can get Hilda out of every single problem she may encounter. With him starting off nice at the get go, there's no need for character relationships to develop, because, apparently, they're already there. Think of Dumbledoor and Harry - the Headmaster is nice, yes, but he's aloof, untouchable, not immediately available for help. Think of Yoda and Luke - did Yoda give Luke the answer to everything? Was their relationship friendly and open from the get go? Think of Edward and Bella - does he just bite her straight away? If Hilda is forced to join, she should have some resentment for Ryouma and he should be able to feel that and give her some space. Just some thoughts.

Hope this helps! You obviously have a vision for your story. I'm just telling you how it manifests in one reader's mind as they read. A sample pool of one is not that great - which is why reviewer and reviewee make two.

Cheers,
Jai



Costa says...


Alright, I see some of your points. I've changed the "not happy" paragraph into this to add meat to it:

Hilda's unhappiness manifests in a deep frown that stretches across her face but northerners know you can't refuse a Scion's call. There have been stories of people who tried to run, only to be quickly encircled by pillars of flame, raised high into the air by mighty gales or pinned in place as the very earth engulfed their bodies. It's not possible to outrun the forces of nature and they are the Scions' loyal allies.


This chapter is about 3.3k words long so, indeed, I can afford to add more prior to the day of her conscription without the risk of pushing the length too far. I can't go into a whole lot of detail regarding Hilda's life itself, mind, since I need much of it to be withheld in order to push the story the way I want BUT I can certainly showcase her day-to-day life before it all goes down.



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Wed Feb 17, 2016 10:37 pm
ForeverRun wrote a review...



I really like this story. I can't wait for more. There aren't any obvious problems, still there are a few things that don't entirely sit well. Ryouma is set to be a wise teacher. He fills this role at the very beginning, but he seems to emotional and slightly condescending. For example, in your story you have him telling her something, but you have him phrase it as a question and with a smirk. I feel like this implies he looks down on her and I think that that isn't who he is supposed to be, but that's just me, so feel free to disregard that. Also, In the last part, you have two opening quotation marks, but that's just nitpicking. This is really great!




Costa says...


Two quotation marks because Ryouma opens it by quoting what Hilda just said "Scion of Orlen".

As for that Ryouma line, I don't see it as him being condescending but, rather, just being playful when answering her question. He is the wise teacher but he won't be fully subscribing to that "old zen master" trope, mind!



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Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:58 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello Costa, steampowered here for a review as promised, and to welcome you to YWS! I see you have quite a lot of reviews on this piece already, so this will be a reasonably brief review to try and pick up on some of the things other reviewers haven’t mentioned.

The first thing I’m going to talk about is your prologue. Personally, I’m not a big fan of prologues because many of the authors who use them, use them only as a means to info-dump or else to write great long narratives which have little relevance to the actual plot. Your prologue doesn’t do the latter, but it’s somewhat guilty of the former, so I’d really suggest cutting it out. Alternatively, you could write the prologue as more of a narrative to really hook the reader. Why not write a prologue with Eliina as the main character? That way you can subtly introduce some of the background information, and keep the rest to introduce later. Just a suggestion, obviously.

even the beautiful set of candlesticks that Gustaff had needed to be replaced with candle stubs


This doesn’t read too well – maybe consider re-phrasing?

A sixteen year-old girl of average stature and build, pale skin, chestnut-colored eyes and nigh-silver hair which she wore at shoulder length and with some wispy bangs.


This sentence doesn’t actually make a lot of sense as a standalone clause – consider linking it to the previous sentence.

On the afternoon of an ordinary day, Hilda was laying dishes and beer steins on the tables in preparation for the evening rush when the doors of the establishment pried open: it was a rather tall man, covered in a green cloak. He took a seat on the bar stand, close to the fireplace - odd, thought Hilda, as it was this rather old, splintery piece of furniture that even the toughest miners avoided touching when drinking. "A beer, please.", the man ordered in heavily-accented English. Hilda and her family were Swedish immigrants who came to Litnir during the mining boom, so she knew enough of the language to deal with the numerous Englishmen.


You switch tenses a lot and it kind of jars… this is in the past tense, but the bit that immediately follows is in the present tense. Choose one tense and stick to it. ;)

you're here at 3 in the afternoon


I’d suggest writing numerals out as words – it gives the piece a more literary feel.

"問答無用(mondoumuyou)


I’d really suggest writing in English. Since you need to transliterate the Japanese kanji anyway, you may as well just say “Mondoumuyou” – perhaps you could use italics to make it stand out from the rest of the text, but really you should only use another alphabet if another language is written, and the character is reading. Definitely don’t use a different writing system in dialogue!

The other thing I’d say is that there’s a lot of action in this first chapter – action’s good, but I feel like too much has been packed in and it might be best to build up the bit about the Scionic Corps across several chapters so Hilda’s approach to decision to initiation doesn’t seem so sudden. But that’s just my opinion. :D

Overall, I feel like this has a lot of potential – the story and concepts are there and for the most part it’s well-written, but like previous reviewers said, you might need to look at your speech tags and dialogue punctuation and there’s also a bit of a tense issue you might want to look at. Hopefully this review didn’t put you off, and keep writing!

-steampowered-




Costa says...


Thank you for the review!

I hadn't noticed the iffy writing in the lines you mentioned - they've been fixed.

As for the prologue, it's been mentioned by other people but I couldn't figure a better place to fit it in as the story's starting. First issue is that Hilda, as a resident of the Northern Region, would be expected to know all of that since she's right in the middle of it; and the second issue is that, in honesty, there's a lot that I needed to expose when her training starts and adding a history lesson to it seemed like it would only make thins worse.

Between both choices, adding "history book excerpt"-like, two page Prologue seemed like the lesser evil.

As for the speed of events, it honestly is just the way it is with the Scions in this world I thought up; I wrote it as slowly as I could but, ultimately, a Scion shows up, tell a person that they WILL be coming with, and whisk them away to HQ in order to present them before the Altr.

Hilda's not a recruit but a conscript, so she has no say in this matter - that does not mean she's OK with it, mind.
The action does slow down in the next chapters, though, as she starts getting introduced to the corps.



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Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:12 pm
Yuriiko wrote a review...



Hello there Costa!

Here as requested :)

I noticed that you're fairly new to this site, so I welcome you to YWS and hope you enjoy your stay!

Just a heads up, I'll be focusing more towards the inner core of the story.

Okay so, perhaps my main concern here is the prologue- which frankly, I don't see it as such. Aren't prologues supposed to be short and direct to the point? Shouldn't it serve as a good hook to your reader's attention?

As far as I could see, it was just a massive deposit of world background and constant introduction of characters. I know you're trying to explain the conflicting sides and build the setting for your reader's benefit, however, one should be careful without overwhelming them. This has the tendency to come off as tedious, dragging, and intimidates your readers by spoonfeeding them with new information.

One thing I can suggest is to scrape off unnecessary things and sprinkle the leftover bits as the story progresses. What you need to focus on the prologue, is the transition from the first Scion victory to the second Valnr invasion. As much as possible, emphasize only a scene, action or conversation that gives out the significant backstory. In addition, I think you should've focused less on Eliina and more towards Marco. You can simply present her as the first Scion summoned by the gods or something. I don't exactly see her recurring in the succeeding pages, so why bother use a whole paragraph to reveal a character who's possibly not going to come back?

If such given details plays an important role in the story, do you think your readers will be able to remember them when they reach the middle part of the story? I think it'll be inconvenient for them to rewind the pages. And at the same time, redundancy is not an effective way to retain information, rather it can more likely throw the readers off a bit. So try to weave most of the character background into the chapters instead.

The thing is, readers don't have to know exactly how everything happened. This could also appear to some as if you're condescending their ability to pick up on the story as it goes along the way. Sometimes it can be the characters' responsibility to unfold relevant information of the story- like through a dialog, flashback, event or a mini-conflict.

In some real life scenarios, you have to consider that some readers tend to skip the prologue and just go straight to the first chapter. So try to create a prologue that would leave your readers in engaging suspense and enjoyment, not the other way around. ^^

So on to the first chapter!

Personally I think your first chapter can stand alone without the prologue. The chapter provides a solid background making it independent. But of course it's entirely up to you, the writer. It's just my opinion so you can totally ignore this part.

Kicking aside the negatives from my previous comments, don't get me wrong, I love the concept of the story! It was interesting and refreshing. The pacing flowed well and I loved how natural their dialogs were.

Now this is the part, as the writer, to provide sufficient and concise character details, specifically with Hilda and Ryouma. I know this is the first chapter and a lot of things will still happen and another set of characters that'll be introduced. I'm not saying to unfold everything at once, but include small relevant chunks about your the main characters presented. Perhaps a slight tinge of Hilda's characteristics that sets her apart from other teenagers.

Another thing that this chapter lacks is the atmosphere build-up. For now it seems rather vague. It was quite difficult to visualize some scenes- specifically the bar. I think a balance between the surrounding and action portrayal should be evident throughout the chapter. Say for example, describe the people, such as the other bar staffs during Hilda and Ryouma's conversation-- if they overheard the two, what were their reactions?

After a few moments, her tense face relaxes slightly and she lets out a sigh of resignation.


Let's take a look at this. The sentence is short but it serves as a foundation and plays a great deal in plot development. I wished you had given more tension and emphasis on this one.

On the technical side, I have nothing really to say much about the grammar- I think this was written very well. There are a lot of times when writers use an omniscient POV and it's poorly written- they end up confusing the readers which slightly lessens their interest to the story. However with this piece, I think the execution was great.

Although there is one thing I'd like to point out and that is your punctuation within a dialog. It's nothing major really, but sometimes can disrupt the flow of this piece.

"Relax." he says, sipping from his drink.


"Close your eyes and relax." Ryouma tells her gently.


Remember, if a speech tag (such as 'he said' or 'he replied') exist within a sentence, always remember to end the dialog with a comma, not a period.

So it should appear like these:

"Relax," he says, sipping from his drink.

"Close your eyes and relax," Ryouma tells her gently.

Okay so, I guess that's it. I have nothing more to say. (Wow it's already past one in the morning) To be honest, I'm not much into fantasy, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. As what I've mentioned before, the prologue is what you need to work on more. I think it can turn into an awesome starting point once edited. But then again, it could just be me and may actually have worked to some.

So yeah, everything is solely based on my opinions and views. If you have any questions, please let me know.

Keep writing and peace out!




Costa says...


I get what you're saying about the prologue but the problem I saw is that this is a legend known throughout the world - especially to those who live in the Northern Reaches and get a refresher on a daily basis.
I figured having Hilda ask details over the next chapters to provide exposition wouldn't work because she'd be expected to know all that, no?

I figured it'd be best to simply get the world-building out there and, when something becomes relevant, to make mention of it. Mind, I swear that there's no fluff in there - everything that's written in the prologue will be very relevant at different points in the story.

Thanks for your insight.



Yuriiko says...


Oh now I see. I think that's a great device in providing the historical background, but remember, we are writing for the readers, not for the characters. ^^ As what I've mentioned before, information like this can be spread out, it doesn't necessarily have to be told from your MC, but through a sub character's conversation, event or a conflict.

Second, I understand that the characters are expected to know the legend. In this case, think Star Wars- those yellow bold thingy at the beginning of the movie. You can try to make it abrupt while keeping the meat in the prologue. Again, these are only my personal opinions and suggestions. Nonetheless, thanks for the good read! :)



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Sun Feb 07, 2016 11:19 pm
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hi!!

Welcome to YWS; I hope you're here to stay, and that everyone has been kind and you have found everything smoothly! It's an amazing site here full of wisdom and techniques! I genuinely enjoy writing here, and sometimes i only write just to put on here, which boost my confidence, so I can keep writing.

Because you're semi-new and I wanted to make a good impression, I decided to take a shot at reviewing this, but I don't think I can. It's just not my type of material to read, which is not a bad thing. Every genre has a target audience, for this genre I'm not it.

Some small things to point out that someone else might have already, is to split your work into small chunks, so that's it's easier to read and review. Maybe post the prologue and chapter one separately.

Thank you for requesting a review! Sorry if this wasn't exactly helpful.
~Tiffany




Costa says...


Fair enough, thanks for giving it a try.

I only posted these two parts together because I figured the prologue would be too short by itself to work as a part proper, mind. The next ones will be coming in single chapters, though.



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Mon Feb 01, 2016 9:40 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



Hey there, Costa!

Welcome to YWS :P I hope you have a great experience here and decide to stick around because this site is such a fantastic place to improve your writing, and it sure as hell has improved mine. I've been here almost 7 years now, so I'm fairly well educated on this place. Please feel free to hit me up if you ever have any questions about YWS because I would be more than happy to help, and like I said, I'm quite well experienced.

Before I get into the review, I want to suggest that from now on, you split your posts up a bit. People on here (well, people in general, let's be fair here) have very short attention spans at times, and so a big chunk of text like this can put them off reading something. For future reference, for example, I'd post your prologue and first chapter separately. Anywho, onto the review!

This was written extremely well, so I shall take a moment to applaud you. It reeks with originality (a good thing, I assure you), and you have some seriously fascinating concepts here. I'd love to see how this blossoms because I'm fairly sure Eliina is in for a bit of a ride from this point onwards. I hope you do stick around and post more of this story because I'd love to continue reading it, and I desperately want to know more about this world you've created. Your descriptions are lovely--not too much, not too little--and your characters seem pretty interesting thus far. It's also pretty funny because I shared a house with a Finnish girl last year, and her name is Iina (iina), so I keep going to call Eliina that! But yus, anywho, let's get into the constructive stuff.

I am going to pre-warn you that as I was very impressed with this, it has forced me into harsh-reviewer-mode, so please do take everything i say with a pinch of salt. When I read something I think is really awesome, I want to help make it even awesomer (totally a word) as much as possible, so can come across aa a bit mean! I'm not, I promise.

One reason I think breaking up posts, chapters e.t.c. when posting on YWS is that when it comes to stories like this, there can be a lot of information to take in. I can vaguely recall what happened in the War of Twilight, but becuase I was led straight into the first chapter I did forget quite a bit of the information given in the prologue (though admittedly, my attention span is insultingly bad). As a more general comment, bear that in mind when you're creating an entirely new world and are introducing it to your readers. You have to be careful not to overload us with information because it can potentially lead us to be a little confused and forgetful, whereas if it's spread out it's a lot easier to remember it all clearly. It's not a big issue here, really, but it's something to bear in mind.

Now, I'm going to note a small nit-pick I have before I move on to more intricate things, and that is the way in which you introduce characters. Now I have to be fair, this is somewhat a personal bias, but each time you introduced a character you began with a description of their full physical appearance. Personally, I prefer it when characters' physical appearances are given to me in small chunks here and there i.e. in one paragraph you'll inform us of a character's hairstyle and eye colour, and then in another two or three we'll be informed of their outfit. Like I said, it's 100% dependant on the person, but sometimes it can be nice to receive information like this in trickles, particularly when you're beginning every character introduction with a detailed physical description. I like to mix things up!

As for meatier critiques, something that kept bothering me was Hilda's age. She just seemed much.. older. She's 16, right? I'm almost 20 and, not going to lie, she seems way older than I am. I understand that these are hard times and I'm sure people are forced to mature more quickly than in this here world, but she still seems oddly young to me. Even if she was just a few years older, maybe 18, it would sit a bit better with me. Particularly considering she's just gone and agreed to disappearing off with this random dude without much of a second thought. I think her dialogue was part of it as well because that was very old sounding. Oh--that's something else I wanted to mention actually. Okay, hold that thought. Anyway, yes, if possible I would suggest making Hilda a little more youthful somehow. I don't want her to prance around the place like an immature little swine, don't get me wrong, but make her act a bit more like a 16-year-old girl.

Anyway, the dialogue thing! Basically, Hilda and Ryuoma's dialogue were very similar, and at some points I forgot which one of them was speaking. Considering one of them is a 16-year-old girl while the other was noted as being over 40, that's a bit of an issue. As well as that, I got the impression they're from different parts of the world, right? That in itself would form a notable difference in the way they speak. They'd have different dialects, slang words, phrases e.t.c. As it stands now, though, I couldn't really spot any real differences in the way they speak. Dialogue can be a fantastic indication of personality and character too, so by making the differences in characters' dialogue more obvious, you also get that added bonus :D

Aaaaaand my last critique! Hilda's willingness to up and leave to go with Ryuoma bothered me a little. At his initial suggestion of her doing so, she seemed pretty distraught. She made it clear the idea terrified her, and she didn't exactly seem eager to do go off with him. Then all of a sudden, she was almost totally cool with it and went ahead without much of an argument. I don't want her to fight him or anything, but even just for her to ask some questions would make this seem like less of a sudden change of heart. For example, what happens if she's rejected to join? What does the process entail? How long will she be away if she's accepted? Does he really think she can do it? Would she be important to the group? If she were to ask questions like this, you could have Ryuoma reassure her and eventually convince her that it's something she really must do. I'm not saying this is how you have to do it, it's merely a suggestion, but I think spending more time on Hilda's change of heart would be beneficial.

Anywho, all of that gross negative stuff aside, I honestly can't tell you how much potential I think your story has. While the whole epic war with chosen people to restore harmony plot isn't super original, the way in which you've executed this is extremely refreshing. I can tell that your head is bursting with ideas, and I seriously look forward to unveiling them if you do chose to stick around here and post more of your work on this site. I really hope I've been of some help, and as I said earlier, if I've sounded at all harsh. I don't mean to be! I truly did enjoy reading this, and with some small tweaking here and there, it could be brilliant. If you've got any questions about this review, or about the site in general, please do feel free to give me a nudge and ask.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




Costa says...


Many thanks for your in-depth review.

I'll try to rewrite Hilda's lines to make them sound a BIT younger (as you said, not too much) but she kinda needs to be 16 for what I'm going for.

I've had this cooking in my head for a while and this is meant as a story that expands over more than a decade. I went with 16 as a good starting point considering how much older she'll be by the end of this.

And I suppose I could have made it clearer but Hilda didn't accept out of good will - Ryouma outright stated that this divine order DEMANDED that she come with him. Had she refused, he would have conscripted her and brought her in by force.

I'll make some revisions accordingly but rest assured that the next parts won't be as long!



Sins says...


Her being 16 is cool and can totally work, so don't fret over that too much! In fact, her ageing throughout the novel could create some pretty cool dialogue development to portray that ageing i.e. how she sounds as a 16-year-old will differ from her as a wise, experienced grown woman! But yeah, nothing extreme, just something to distinguish her from Ryuoma a bit (and make her sound a little more her age).

Ah I see, that makes sense. It was probably just me being a little slow (I tend to be so), but perhaps make her fear a little more prominent? So that we know how threatened she is feeling.

But awesome, I'm glad I could actually be of some help :)



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Mon Feb 01, 2016 9:04 pm
KaiRyu wrote a review...



I'm just going to start with stuff that I find AMAZING about this book. Cool? Of course it it is. Number one, I love, love, LOVE the whole Doctor Who thingy at the begining. Totally awsome. Number two, I also love how you said "Elemental forces lay at their mercy and our mustered troops had no measure to stand up against them." Mainly because of the Elemental part, don't know why it just does. Number three, I love the title because it's totally unigue usually you see titles like "Dawn of the War" but you totally turned it arround! Now for things I don't like, which is like one thing. I don't like how the Valner's are so dependent on gods, I mean, if their so powerful, then how come they're so dependent? That's it for now, LadyRanicorn out!:)




Costa says...


I'll be going into more detail on Valnr hierarchy and how they work on the next chapter, as Ryouma puts Hilda through Scion 101. Hopefully, that'll shed some light on the subject.

Thanks for your opinion!



1626632 says...


Cooleo.




What's stopping you?
— David Mamet