Deleted 52

by Lumi

Published December 19, 2014

In Poetry: 2014

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Deleted at author's request.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Rook
Review
Rook wrote a review Review · Dec 22, 2014

Hey Lumi. I figured I would save this from the green room. Hope you don't mind.

I'll tell you right now that I haven't read any of the LotR books except for the Hobbit, and I haven't seen any of the movies. I'm a disgrace to nerd-kind. So if any of this is an allusion to that, and it completely goes over my head, you'll know why.

The main idea of a great legacy is a wonderful one, and like always, your words seem to strike the most harmonious of chords. They just sound really good together, even if the laws of English complain about their courtship.

That said, the Laws of English are complaining, and I must act as a messenger. I'm sure you've thought about all of these things already.

to read my legacy as yours has been

The "has been" here is really throwing me off. Is it referring to how millions have read this other person's (I will call them Crysi) legacy? That's what it seems to be after I read it several times, but when I first read it, that's not at all what I thought it was saying. If that is what you're trying to say, I'd suggest maybe putting something after "been," like poured over or something. And maybe instead of "as" you could say "in the way." Does that make sense? eh.
I'm personally not digging the semi-colon. Why is it there? What is the conjunction it's replacing?

I love those italic lines. They give me shivers.

But I think it's a different feeling altogether

The "But" is suggesting that this directly connected to the last stanza, but I'm not seeing a different feeling from before. Mostly, I'm missing the bridge between the first stanza and the second stanza.

"Glance" seems like a strange word to use at the end of something. I'm torn between liking it and hating it. Usually one glances at something, not just glances in general, though I don't see why they couldn't. But I'm confused at how that line flows into the next line. It almost reads like they're glancing the film, but there's that pesky comma, and it doesn't fit into the syntax of the next line either, so there's that.

"Taps" seems so... I don't know... vague, and general?

they make the eyes shine brighter,

What is "they?" The taps? the breaths? the film? Are we going back to glances?
And these last two lines read rather cliche for me, especially because I don't know what they're talking about, but for any of the options... they read cliche.

As long as this lonely poet has breath,
your legacy will be a happy tale.

So when you die, her Crysi's legacy will be sad? Why does it matter if it's happy? Maybe it's more important that it's remembered? There are my two cents.

Chocolate wine is such a lovely detail. Beautiful ending.

I hope this made some semblance of sense, and helped you somewhat.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis

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Panda11
Review
Panda11 wrote a review Review · Dec 19, 2014

I only have a feww suggestions.
This is an awesome poem, by the way, and it flows well. There were only one or two spots that i stumbled over my tung...
Here it is!

I only saw a few tumbles in this stanza, so... yah...

But I think it's a different feeling altogether
how a single person will {could} lie awake at night and glance,
film through snippets of your breath given in exactly one hundred and sixty taps;
they make the eyes shine brighter, the heart {a bit} lighter
than a spirit untouched.

User avatar
Crysi
Comment
Crysi commented Comment · Dec 19, 2014

Ilu, Lumilu. Still wiping away tears. My mom had me read it to her and she got goosebumps. Best present ever. <3



[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] GrandWild: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— GrandWild