Young Writers Society

I laughed. I cried. I lost 200 pounds! I truly appreciated this fine work of art. My favorite part is when you said the word "moose". Thank you for your contribution. Picture me giving you a thumbs-up while I click on the Submit button.

I love line three. It might sound better as rain drops spit on me like camels, but it's your poem so obviously that's your call. I'm just saying it would sound better though. The more times you can get like into a poem, the better it is. See my example below:

Rain spits on me like camels
which have humps like mountains
and chew like my grandma's false teeth.

Still, overall it's good. I didn't understand the part about moose's though, what's going on there? That just came out of nowhere! I mean, it's like you're setting them up as better than camels when they obviously aren't so I think you made a typo there and meant to put camels. You should really proofread things more carefully before you put them on YWS!

Meh,

this was llama.

Wow, this is really good. The poem begins sort of seriously and then... poof, you've surprised me with a humorous, relaxed side to the poem. My favorite stanza is the first, because it is so lyrical and uses beautiful language.

In the second stanza, the only quibble I have is the word "juice." True, using that diction makes the poem less serious and more, uh, I dunno colloquial (I don't think that's the correct use of that word, but you get what I mean, no?), but I'm still not sure how I feel about that word. "Juice." Huh.

The shift from camel to moose in the third stanza is pretty funny. (But I'm not sure why having a moose is the true path, after all, they are kind of stinky...) Overall, great job!

~ jessiethought ~

The first two lines were fantastic, because it displayed the full range of emotions for camels... the harsh work they undergo out of love for us humans, how utterly timeless they are to us,how they trudge against the desert elements out of love...

And then you had to ruin it with the whole moose thing. Puh-leeze. Camels are way better than moose.

Also, camels drink WATER and not JUICE. Duh. They're a lot more healthy than that.

Still, since there are so few poems out for camels... here's a like. However, you really need to edit so that it isn't cluttered with moose.

I have only four words for this poem: sweet, perfect, elegant, wonderful.

The central image of a camel is just so astoundingly beautiful. They are such elegant creatures, and I think you capture this with the elegance of your poem.

SHAPE

Equally, if you turn the poem on its side it looks like a beautiful camel, with the longer central lines representing first its head and then its two humps. Well done, how creative of you.

PHRASING

The phrases and words you use in this poem are just top notch. You mix conversational and formal speech flawlessly into one beautiful entity. I really enjoyed the way you did this. Sometimes haikus can come off as awkwardly phrased, but you managed just fine to have all the syllables in the right places without it sounding forced.

ELOQUENCE

Not only is your phrasing good here, but I think that your vocabulary is also on display at its very best. There are many beautiful words here, such as "camels" and "camels" that I think you must have dug deep to find! Congratulations, they fitted in well.

A minor issue I have with the poem however, is your use of the word "moose." I just think it was careless of you to degrade such an amazing piece of work with such ugliness.

But whatever. We're not here to debate.

WISDOM

Finally, I must applaud you on your observations of camels, but a word of wisdom to you. Do not leave the light to seek out the darkness of a moose's antlers. That path leads only to destruction and death. In fact, some might say that the moose is the symbol of carnage, calloussness, fighting. It is a bad animal. If you want my advice, stick to the ships of the desert. After all, you can fit one through the eye of a needle.

Stay Pleasant, Ewok Warrior.

-Stella-pella-ella-wella x