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140,177 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hi! I haven't been on here for a while so here goes! First of all, I love your unconventional writing style. You've pulled off some great images and meaning without any punctuation and few adjectives. This is muscular writing that doesn't call for its meaning to be understood but rather felt. For the most part youve suceeded. However, I think using sparing punctuation would serve to highlight some of the more striking parts of this poem and make it even more impactful.
For example, in the first statement you jump right into the meat of the poem. Defining the soul is some bold sh*t. But maybe place a period after "gravity" to let the reader absorb that for a second before second guessing whether the next line is part of that statement. It distracts from the power.
My second suggestion would be to take away the "or maybe" right before that gorgeous bit about the bears neck. It sounds like you're uncertain and doesn't add to what you're trying to say.
Next, I would recommend a comma after "breath is still". The next four lines are my favorite in the poem, especially the part about broken knees, and the comma would also give the reader a breath before plunging into that.
My last critique is to switch the order of " horizon ever-empty". I like the alliteration but it sort of sounds overdramatic this way. Also I like the cadence of the phrase "ever-empty horizon".
The ending is very emotive and reminded me of my relationship with this guy who already has a girlfriend. We have chemistry but we're constantly fighting it because we work together. The fact that you gave me that is meaningful.
I see *looks down* nevermind, but I'll tryyy to give ya a decent-ish review. Maybe. Hopefully. We'll see.
I mean, I still don't feel I know what I'm doing with the whole poeting thing, but my critique would be that it's a wee bit clunky in spots--no, not clunky--it's a stylistic thing, so maybe i shouldn't even mention it, but the break between bear's neck and if this is true seems a bit abrupt. Maybe insert another line between the two, as you're sorta... shifting the focus, and since there's no punctuation here, the line break's what I'd recommend most. (It's that thing that's the reason we use semicolons that I totally know that my brain cannot grasp atm because reasons.)
That's it. That's all I got. Keep in mind that I was actively looking for something to criticize, so ymmv.
Hey there! Let me first say that I loved this poem!
I love how you used the term "gravity" to describe a soul. I also loved the imagery used in "nightmare inside a bear's neck."
I would also like to compliment your ending, " as I tear from gravity, into your ether" is a stunning and perfect phrase to end the poem, since it leaves the reader with a great impact and bombarded by feelings.
Great use of literary devices and word choice!
You got a great talent, would love to read more of you!
~M.C.
Study of righteous wrath.
I'm going to keep that in mind.
Take with salt; mind the edges.
Diction. What is a "core" of gravity? Is it as a "core" to an apple?
Perhaps you could use "well." A "well of gravity."
Excellent.
wat.
Perhaps a "bear's neck" is a metaphor, and it's simply beyond me to understand.
Or perhaps you mean to say that a soul's draw, like ocean rifts and gravity, is like a child's fascination with his nightmares; the objects of which are often natural and simple - like the bear. "A bear's neck" can fit a child - and so he is afraid of it - and because he is afraid, he is fascinated.
Except that's not what this said. This said "a child/holds a nightmare in a bear's neck." Which just leaves me imagining a child, strangling a bear, shoving his fingers in its throat like it's a misbehaving dog that swallowed his favorite Hot Wheel. Which is, indeed, nightmarish. But, again, then I'm all like "wat."
"so when I die..."
"... run to watch in vain for my ascension into heaven, begging for redemption."
All I can suggest, here: give the sequence of events a more explicit trigger. Perhaps "if this is true, then when my breath is still..."
It would be really cool if you had incorporated the famous "and if i die before i wake..."
That could've given me shivers. Ooh.
"likewise" to what? I do not think you ever say. What is the comparison?
As for interpreting the last two lines:
"as i tear from gravity" - escape my soul - "into your ether" - to haunt you, or to join the sky above you ("the great beyond?"), something like that... hm, a little awkward, I think. Or I'm overthinking.
The brunt of it all, so far as I can tell, is that you, edging ever closer to the wrath of God, in your fascination step too close - are torn away - but, for it, you somehow urge in death your friend (or love? or abstract witness?) to redeem themselves, to fall on broken knees to gaze at the horizon.
They do not see anything happening; which seems dismaying, but then! a-ha, they hear your steps. Er... Is that right? That seems odd.
Or perhaps you are proving to them, since no sign suggests you've joined the "ever-empty" sky, that truly all there is to fear is death itself. But that interpretation ignores the second stanza - since "ether" rather explicitly suggests (as per the dictionary)
Also, the message must be personal, as this ether is "your" ether; belonging to whomever it is you are exhorting to witness what may or may not come upon your death.
So I think again that you are somehow stealing into someone else's heaven. But what are you stepping on? And why is the horizon empty? And again, steps likewise to what?
I think you have created a complex, beautiful metaphor, but parts of the puzzle do not quite fit.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. It's irritating that my interpretations all feel somehow incomplete; I cannot fit the final piece. But I do not know for certain if that is a shortcoming of yours, or of mine... I'd love for it to be your fault, of course, because that way I get to feel less stupid, but alas.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
Hi Lumi, ABarros here for a review!
I will be straight. I think you should capitalize the first letter of each line. Maybe it's only the way you write, and don't get me wrong, you write as you wish. Writting poetry is a way to free yourselves and I consider it to be a "freestyle". But I still think the capitalization makes the poem a little bit more beautiful. (If you don't want to change it, that's your choise. I'm not here to judge anyone.) The same thing happens with the pontuation, but this one doesn't need any of it, so it's ok!
Well, I don't have anything else to say. Your poem is perfectly perfect. It beated right inside of me, which most of the times it doesn't happen when I read some works related to poetry as well. I think you have a great talent for this. Go for it!
I hope to see this poem published someday (and other works too)!
Good work, Lumi!
poetry! does not! need! capitalization!
I never said it needed.
Hey there, Lumi! Unknown391625 here with another review!
Ok so, I think this is a great poem! I was writing this review earlier and it only had one like, two because i liked it. Now it has five likes when I am now writing this review! So good job on getting literary spotlight. That's awesome! Anyways, this is great stuff! No wonder it got five likes. You categorized the genres perfectly. Same with the rating. I would say it is a bit of dramatic, but you can't do three genres. Anyhow, great job! Love it, love it! I will look for more by you. Don't give up and always write, Lumi!
-Unknown391625
Hello, Lumi. Wonderful Sunday mornin ain't it.
Okay now to review this poem.
It is a wonderful poem, in which the title draws us in. There is something about the title that drags us in if we don't really understand what it is. That is the main reason I chose this poem. Not because it was in the green room, rather because its name made me want to read it.
Okay, so if this were in a published book of poetry, I may give you this piece of advise though it may not be applied to poetry. The lines have no capitalization and I don't now if that is just your style or if poems don't have to follow those types off rules. And also you have no punctuation. Gain, it is for the same reason above that I am jus t pointing it out to you.
The poem was greatly well written, and I see no reason to point out any flaws in spelling or formatting anymore than I have already. And I loved the whole poem so me pointing out one point will be no good.
Keep writing, Link.
From,
Tulip.