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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Lums <3
Short is sweet, though. There's a tendency for me as a reader, whenever I'm looking at something short, I want to savor every drop of a letter. This has that kind of poignancy, but I think you can make it even sharper.
I like the focus with the "steal away" line. There's a repetition in the following lines where the speaker is not only stealing himself but nicking pieces of his own bones. That makes two instances of stealing, I like it. It's that added emphasis of loss, there's always a taking away of himself/disappearing to who knows where, but what's interesting is that it's not just loss that is happening. Stealing implies someone else's loss for your own gain. Stealing from yourself for your gain becomes that sort of paradoxical mind torture, like a moral conundrum, is this good or bad? but the ambiguity here is sweet and the phrase/metaphor/whatever you wanna call it is apt.
The reference to toradol sort of cements the context-- I looked it up as some kind of arthritis prescription, so the hospital roof line is only just starting to matter right now. The thing that "floats" and bogs this piece down is the second line where I just want to remove it completely. Does it have to be noon and does it have to be cool, or can a roof just be a roof?
What's enigmatic about this piece are the players and their relation to each other. We have the speaker, the patients, an old man and a bird. That sounds like there should be a punchline. But these are small quibbles. Love it overall.
~ as always, Audy
ow u hrtz me
i came back and read it again i want this everywhere
bae why is my poetry so short these days i don't understand what even
i dunno i ask myself similar questions babe
I LOVE this! Just not the last two lines. I feel like the maturity of the first stanza completly juxtaposes the last part, and not in a good way.
Hello
So...umm I have mixed feelings about this poem.
The flow was good, and it went along smoothly. The punctuation was appropriate.
I liked the vibe it possessed, but I didn't really understand what this was about. Even after reading it a few more times, I was still confused.
So it would've been better if the poem was a bit more clear about it's meaning.
Rating : 7/10
Hassan